hey everyone i decided to post my own story i hope you like it!!!! One very dark dusty summer afternoon in a muggle hospital two wizards were born. Thier mother died giving birth to them but before she did she named them Lance and Tom riddle. there father never wanted them so they were sent to seperate orphanages. They never got a chance to know each other.many years later the boy tom had become a dark wizard known as lord voldemort.he was nearly killed by some kid called harry potter but he managed to come back to power.his servant snape had killed the other strongest good wizard named dumbledore. no knew of voldemort's bro not even dumbledore.lance currently in aship called the snake slyder. he was too a dark wizard but he had bin undercover he was setting sale for england where voldemort was supposed to be. he had been fascinated with voldemorts return and his dream was to become a deatheater. and nothing was going to stop him not even voldemort.
Before we go any further into the story we will see what potter is doing.Harry was at the dursleys packing to go to godrics hollow. he wanted to go to is true home where it all began. it was 5 in the morning when he snuck out of the house he didn't want anyone to know. He bewiched his trunk to be light then he strapped it on his firebolt and went off into the night.when he reached his house he was dissapointed to see that it was filled with cobwebs and the windows were boarded up.Harry walked up to the locked door and said "alohmora", instantly the door flew open harry peeked inside and let out a blood chilling scream"aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" Meanwhile on the ship SNAKE SLYDER Lance was heading into the harbour . he got off the ship with his escorts Zinc and Percival."Master lance we have arrived " said zinc."i know that you fool ", spat lance ,"do you i am stupid"."No sir i am sorry"he said. "well you better be".the got on thier new gigatech213 standard broomsticks and hovered in the air ."to godrics hollow we shall go "said lance "voldemorts downfall hahahahahah"! Harry stare d at the floor on which laid two things a wand and a body.Harry had screamed for he thought the person was dead but he realized he was breathing.Harry gave him a swift kick."What the.......where am i how did i get here said the man.""Why are yuo in my house" said harry."STUPEFY" yelled the man .Harry fell like a bowling pin ."That was too easy everyone said you were smart Potter but they were all wrong". the man removed his mask and revield his self as none other than .........Lucius Malfoy.And right at that moment lanc e and his croonies enter
Lance walks into Godrics hollow when he saw Malfoy and Potter's limp body he had a evil grin on his face."WHO-OO ARE YOU " Malfoy trembled."The question is who are you" asked lance still smirking "your the one with all the questions".He stared down at harry as if realizing him for the first time .Then he pulled out his wand and said"Everate".Slowly harry stired then he woke up."what happened" he said.Then he remembered."You ," he said staring at malfoy ,"IMPEDIMENTA"! Malfoy fell like a bowling pin.Harry grinned " not so strong now are you malfoy scum".Malfoy was too frozen to reply but he gave harry a killing look."Very good potter now tell me why have you not responded to my owl i sent you earlier "said lance ! "Sorry sir i was busy packing to leave to come here and i left before the owl came.But it won't happen again ", muttered Harry .Lance grunted and walked around the room .He ordered Percival to keep a look out.What should we do with Malfoy sir . "Your brother might send someone looking for him"said Harry."Put him under the Imperius curse and send him back .Tell him to make up an excuse to give Tom" snarled Lance.Harry did as he was told Zinc performed the curse since Harry's birthday was in 6 more hours and he was still 16.When Malfoy left Harry Lance and Zinc went on a tour of the house.
no offense, i try to give people CONSTRUCTIVE criticsicim, but there's alot to fix. Spelling, grammar, and spacing. You might want to read it over. You need to add more detail, and separate in between paragraphs. Take things slower. Explain more and try to make transitions smooth. Dont worry i constructively criticzize everyone, so don't feel bad.