I like the to the point straightforward laying the facts bare method. It actually stings where its supposed to and that is quite the achievement. However, there I couldn't help but see, was a sense of inconsistency to the narrative tone here. I can't picture the protagonist through the naration.Fleshing out the narrator would have served you well. And at the way it is now, it seems kinda contradictory for the same person to say something like, "She's a wicked devil and her words crack like a whip" and then go on to more softly worded, "She appears delicate but something is amiss."
You seem to be teetering back and forth between and hestitating when it comes to giving our narator a definite sense of personality. Had you taken one route with him, the end result probably would have been more satisfactory.
But regardless, an honestly impressive piece. You have a vision in your head and obviously know how to put it forth.
Here's a little something I've been working on. Possible song.
What Is The Rain?
I'm traveling
Walking a path for a woman
A path I have walked many times
But this is different
My legs refuse to quit moving on
But I'm weary of the path
I can't see straight
The world moves under me
In place of me moving over the world
I have to rest
The rain is my savior
I have everything to thank it for
It gives me a reason to steady
But it falls on me like drops of metal
I stop for a moment
But I get back up and keep moving and I reach my destination
To this day I look back, and think about that rain
It was only the thought, that it kept me from getting to you
That made me move on
Last edited by Dusty on Aug 31st, 2006 at 04:32 AM
Gender: Female Location: every which way but loose
It's great... chorus;
But I get back up and keep moving and I reach my destination
To this day I look back, and think about that rain
It was only the thought, that it kept me from getting to you
That made me move on
KMC Community Forums
Aug 23rd, 2006 03:03 PM
However, there I couldn't help but see, was a sense of inconsistency to the narrative tone here. I can't picture the protagonist through the naration.Fleshing out the narrator would have served you well. And at the way it is now, it seems kinda contradictory for the same person to say something like, "She's a wicked devil and her words crack like a whip" and then go on to more softly worded, "She appears delicate but something is amiss."
