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My Stuff
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silver_tears
Senior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location:

It is, like I said, I love Dr.Seuss big grin

Old Post Aug 6th, 2006 07:44 PM
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TheMercurial
Unmythical mortal

Gender: Male
Location: Ireland

Ok, thanks big grin


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"Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"

Old Post Aug 6th, 2006 08:19 PM
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Coldfire
<3 <3 <3

Gender: Female
Location: Vancouver, Canada

I don't think it reminds me of Dr. Seuss (even though he is genius), but good stuff big grin


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Old Post Aug 7th, 2006 04:51 AM
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TheMercurial
Unmythical mortal

Gender: Male
Location: Ireland

A new one. (I know it's been a while, when I have more time I'll post up more)


I wander over scorching sands,
The sun too bright to see.
No oases, no promised lands,
No salvation for me.

The vultures circle overhead,
Their shrieking fills the air.
I know I am as good as dead,
I break down in despair.

I close my eyes and wait for death,
And give a final sigh,
And with that final, depressed breath,
I fin my peace.......and die?

My eyes snap open suddenly,
Adjusting to the light.
What is that sound that revived me?
It lies just out of sight.

I stumble from my chosen grave,
Just following this sound,
And come across a hidden cave,
That leads into the ground.

I enter it and lie within,
Embracing it's cool shade.
I hear the vultures cry, and grin,
As fear begins to fade.

I journey on and realise,
The cavern's dark and deep.
I strike a match, and then my eyes
Reveal coyotes, all asleep.

The sound's source now revealed to me,
My puzzle solved at last,
I run away to safety,
Praying they won't be too fast.

But then they wake and start to chase,
My prayer's amount to naught.
Before too long, they win the race,
They pounce and I am caught.

When they surround I know I'm dead,
But find that I'm not sad.
Still one thought just won't leave my head;
Those vultures won't so bad.....


__________________

"Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"

Old Post Jun 15th, 2007 10:24 PM
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TheMercurial
Unmythical mortal

Gender: Male
Location: Ireland

Dammit, I only just noticed the mistake in the last line ^

That should be "weren't", not "won't" Oooops.


__________________

"Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"

Old Post Jun 16th, 2007 08:29 PM
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Disturbed Angel
~.:Fae:.~

Gender: Female
Location: On the quest for Neverland

Wow. Your stuff is...beautiful. Just beautiful. That's all I can say- I'm speechless. embarrasment Wow.


__________________

Do you believe in faeries?

I do.

Old Post Jun 18th, 2007 02:32 AM
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TheMercurial
Unmythical mortal

Gender: Male
Location: Ireland

Thanks, that means a lot. big grin


__________________

"Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"

Old Post Jun 18th, 2007 11:37 AM
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Disturbed Angel
~.:Fae:.~

Gender: Female
Location: On the quest for Neverland

Welcome. smile Your stuff is truly amazing.


__________________

Do you believe in faeries?

I do.

Old Post Jun 19th, 2007 05:06 AM
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King of Blades
The King

Gender: Male
Location: The South

quote: (post)
Originally posted by TheMercurial
A new one. (I know it's been a while, when I have more time I'll post up more)


I wander over scorching sands,
The sun too bright to see.
No oases, no promised lands,
No salvation for me.

The vultures circle overhead,
Their shrieking fills the air.
I know I am as good as dead,
I break down in despair.

I close my eyes and wait for death,
And give a final sigh,
And with that final, depressed breath,
I fin my peace.......and die?

My eyes snap open suddenly,
Adjusting to the light.
What is that sound that revived me?
It lies just out of sight.

I stumble from my chosen grave,
Just following this sound,
And come across a hidden cave,
That leads into the ground.

I enter it and lie within,
Embracing it's cool shade.
I hear the vultures cry, and grin,
As fear begins to fade.

I journey on and realise,
The cavern's dark and deep.
I strike a match, and then my eyes
Reveal coyotes, all asleep.

The sound's source now revealed to me,
My puzzle solved at last,
I run away to safety,
Praying they won't be too fast.

But then they wake and start to chase,
My prayer's amount to naught.
Before too long, they win the race,
They pounce and I am caught.

When they surround I know I'm dead,
But find that I'm not sad.
Still one thought just won't leave my head;
Those vultures won't so bad.....


laughing i hope you do not find me cynical, or offended if I took your poem the wrong way, but this made me laugh. Your rhyming scheme is impressive. Your meters seem very well balanced, and the topics are spread all over the field making your poems a delight to read. Granted so few one finishes quickly, but regardless of the quantity the quality makes me read over and over again...


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Old Post Jun 23rd, 2007 12:08 AM
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TheMercurial
Unmythical mortal

Gender: Male
Location: Ireland

quote: (post)
Originally posted by AOR
laughing i hope you do not find me cynical, or offended if I took your poem the wrong way, but this made me laugh. Your rhyming scheme is impressive. Your meters seem very well balanced, and the topics are spread all over the field making your poems a delight to read. Granted so few one finishes quickly, but regardless of the quantity the quality makes me read over and over again...


No offence taken at all, I wanted that poem to end on a slightly humourous-ish note.
Thanks, I appreciate the input!


__________________

"Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"

Old Post Jun 23rd, 2007 05:11 PM
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King of Blades
The King

Gender: Male
Location: The South

quote: (post)
Originally posted by TheMercurial
No offence taken at all, I wanted that poem to end on a slightly humourous-ish note.
Thanks, I appreciate the input!


Likewise I for yours. laughing I still read that poem and laugh. If ever we be famous for our poetry, we should rival each other. Not for the sake of seeing the other fall, but just for kicks and fun....


__________________

Old Post Jun 24th, 2007 01:12 AM
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TheMercurial
Unmythical mortal

Gender: Male
Location: Ireland

Deal smile


__________________

"Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"

Old Post Jun 24th, 2007 01:44 AM
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TheMercurial
Unmythical mortal

Gender: Male
Location: Ireland

I wrote this about three minutes ago, about my grandmother who's dying. It's probably not great, because I wrote it an about ten minutes, but I'd appreciate some feedback or suggestions.

For Rita

As cold descends, and all sound leaves,
she moves towards the light.
While all around, my family grieves,
we know she's lost her fight.

But fight she did, she never bowed,
no sign of weakness was conveyed.
Her strength in life has made us proud,
though it's begun to fade....

In her time she has done so much,
her life was always full.
But as she falls to Death's cruel touch,
does it amount to null?

No. She herself has shown no fears,
but looks forward with hope.
So though I grieve, through falling tears,
I know that I will cope....


__________________

"Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"

Old Post Jun 27th, 2007 05:39 PM
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Kenshinswife
Flash Cry

Gender: Female
Location: I will posses your heart

Geez, your poems are really something. its nothing short of great good job.


__________________
"So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."

Old Post Jun 27th, 2007 05:54 PM
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TheMercurial
Unmythical mortal

Gender: Male
Location: Ireland

Thanks, I'm glad you like them.


__________________

"Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"

Old Post Jun 27th, 2007 05:58 PM
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Disturbed Angel
~.:Fae:.~

Gender: Female
Location: On the quest for Neverland

quote: (post)
Originally posted by TheMercurial
I wrote this about three minutes ago, about my grandmother who's dying. It's probably not great, because I wrote it an about ten minutes, but I'd appreciate some feedback or suggestions.

For Rita

As cold descends, and all sound leaves,
she moves towards the light.
While all around, my family grieves,
we know she's lost her fight.

But fight she did, she never bowed,
no sign of weakness was conveyed.
Her strength in life has made us proud,
though it's begun to fade....

In her time she has done so much,
her life was always full.
But as she falls to Death's cruel touch,
does it amount to null?

No. She herself has shown no fears,
but looks forward with hope.
So though I grieve, through falling tears,
I know that I will cope....


This is really pretty... Nothing I can say can do it justice, though. confused


__________________

Do you believe in faeries?

I do.

Old Post Jul 1st, 2007 09:25 PM
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King of Blades
The King

Gender: Male
Location: The South

quote: (post)
Originally posted by TheMercurial
I wrote this about three minutes ago, about my grandmother who's dying. It's probably not great, because I wrote it an about ten minutes, but I'd appreciate some feedback or suggestions.

For Rita

As cold descends, and all sound leaves,
she moves towards the light.
While all around, my family grieves,
we know she's lost her fight.

But fight she did, she never bowed,
no sign of weakness was conveyed.
Her strength in life has made us proud,
though it's begun to fade....

In her time she has done so much,
her life was always full.
But as she falls to Death's cruel touch,
does it amount to null?

No. She herself has shown no fears,
but looks forward with hope.
So though I grieve, through falling tears,
I know that I will cope....


I critique with great respect to your grandmother. I too have written poetry for fallen comrades of mine. The beginning stanza does not flow smoothly and kicks the poem off a rocky start. The poem seems to be attempting archaic prose. Trust me, I do it all the times, but it is very difficult to keep the count that way when moving in and out of styles. I'm sure people tell you this, but rhyming isn't everything. It's more the shape and form of the poem then how it sounds.

But hey overall it's an amazing poem. Consider redoing it when you have the time, yes? I sometimes post down poems that took me five minute to write. That after about 30 seconds after posting them, I am rewriting them; fixing mistakes I couldn't believed I wrote.


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Old Post Jul 2nd, 2007 02:27 AM
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TheMercurial
Unmythical mortal

Gender: Male
Location: Ireland

quote: (post)
Originally posted by AOR
The beginning stanza does not flow smoothly and kicks the poem off a rocky start.


Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. Can you explain where it doesn't seem to flow to you, because when I read through it in my head, it seems to fit. Is it any line in particular?

quote: (post)
Originally posted by AOR
The poem seems to be attempting archaic prose. Trust me, I do it all the times, but it is very difficult to keep the count that way when moving in and out of styles.


I didnt set out to write it with any style in mind. I never do. I just sat down, and that's what came out so Im not entirely sure what you mean.
If you want to reply here or you could pm me, I'd like to discuss it some more, and Id appreciate any more input you have.


__________________

"Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"

Old Post Jul 2nd, 2007 05:10 PM
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King of Blades
The King

Gender: Male
Location: The South

quote: (post)
Originally posted by TheMercurial
Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. Can you explain where it doesn't seem to flow to you, because when I read through it in my head, it seems to fit. Is it any line in particular?



I didnt set out to write it with any style in mind. I never do. I just sat down, and that's what came out so Im not entirely sure what you mean.
If you want to reply here or you could pm me, I'd like to discuss it some more, and Id appreciate any more input you have.


As cold descends, and all sound leaves,
she moves towards the light.


9-7

While all around, my family grieves,
we know she's lost her fight.

11-7

The numbers are the "count" per lines. Your fist two line has 9 syllables followed by seven. Your second two lines have 11 in the fist sentence and then seven in the second. Like I said, it's a little off and starts off rocky. Maybe because I'm thinking of this:

The cold descends, and all sound leaves
as she moves slowly towards the light.
While all around, my family grieves,
for we know she's lost her fight.

It's not perfect but you see it moves roughly like a [11]-[10]~[9-10]-[8] poem. It helps the flow of the stanza. Because poetry, unlike music, can not be written to differing speeds. You may get readers who will look at it and understand a shift in pace, but not everyone diverges that much into the poem.
---------------------------------------------

But fight she did, she never bowed,
no sign of weakness was conveyed.
Her strength in life has made us proud,
though it's begun to fade....


I call this archaic style. Not that it is an ancient and old style, but the way it moves its subjects and verbs make it seem old. For example you say "fight she did, she never bowed" instead of "and yet she fought, she never bowed". I don't think it's wrong or makes the poem anything less. I personally agree that sometimes it is necessary to move subjects and verbs around to keep to the rhyming scheme. Which is why I say:

quote: (post)
Originally posted by AOR
I'm sure people tell you this, but rhyming isn't everything. It's more the shape and form of the poem then how it sounds.


But yeah there's my two cents


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Old Post Jul 3rd, 2007 01:42 AM
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TheMercurial
Unmythical mortal

Gender: Male
Location: Ireland

quote: (post)
Originally posted by AOR
As cold descends, and all sound leaves,
she moves towards the light.


9-7

While all around, my family grieves,
we know she's lost her fight.

11-7

The numbers are the "count" per lines. Your fist two line has 9 syllables followed by seven. Your second two lines have 11 in the fist sentence and then seven in the second. Like I said, it's a little off and starts off rocky. Maybe because I'm thinking of this:

The cold descends, and all sound leaves
as she moves slowly towards the light.
While all around, my family grieves,
for we know she's lost her fight.

It's not perfect but you see it moves roughly like a [11]-[10]~[9-10]-[8] poem. It helps the flow of the stanza. Because poetry, unlike music, can not be written to differing speeds. You may get readers who will look at it and understand a shift in pace, but not everyone diverges that much into the poem.



............Are you sure about that? Its seems to me that it's more like 8-6 for my first two lines, and 8-6/9-6 for my second two (depending on how you pronounce "family") I know that isn't exactly perfect, but I think it helps set out the rhythm of the rhyming scheme for the rest of the poem.
---------------------------------------------
quote: (post)
Originally posted by AOR

But fight she did, she never bowed,
no sign of weakness was conveyed.
Her strength in life has made us proud,
though it's begun to fade....


I call this archaic style. Not that it is an ancient and old style, but the way it moves its subjects and verbs make it seem old. For example you say "fight she did, she never bowed" instead of "and yet she fought, she never bowed". I don't think it's wrong or makes the poem anything less. I personally agree that sometimes it is necessary to move subjects and verbs around to keep to the rhyming scheme. Which is why I say:


But yeah there's my two cents


For some reason I just felt that "fight she did" emphasised what I was trying to say better. I try not to place too much emphasise on rhyme if it costs the poem it's rhythm though.


__________________

"Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"

Last edited by TheMercurial on Jul 3rd, 2007 at 05:42 PM

Old Post Jul 3rd, 2007 05:30 PM
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