i hope you do not find me cynical, or offended if I took your poem the wrong way, but this made me laugh. Your rhyming scheme is impressive. Your meters seem very well balanced, and the topics are spread all over the field making your poems a delight to read. Granted so few one finishes quickly, but regardless of the quantity the quality makes me read over and over again...
Likewise I for yours. I still read that poem and laugh. If ever we be famous for our poetry, we should rival each other. Not for the sake of seeing the other fall, but just for kicks and fun....
I wrote this about three minutes ago, about my grandmother who's dying. It's probably not great, because I wrote it an about ten minutes, but I'd appreciate some feedback or suggestions.
For Rita
As cold descends, and all sound leaves,
she moves towards the light.
While all around, my family grieves,
we know she's lost her fight.
But fight she did, she never bowed,
no sign of weakness was conveyed.
Her strength in life has made us proud,
though it's begun to fade....
In her time she has done so much,
her life was always full.
But as she falls to Death's cruel touch,
does it amount to null?
No. She herself has shown no fears,
but looks forward with hope.
So though I grieve, through falling tears,
I know that I will cope....
__________________
"Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"
Geez, your poems are really something. its nothing short of great good job.
__________________ "So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."
I critique with great respect to your grandmother. I too have written poetry for fallen comrades of mine. The beginning stanza does not flow smoothly and kicks the poem off a rocky start. The poem seems to be attempting archaic prose. Trust me, I do it all the times, but it is very difficult to keep the count that way when moving in and out of styles. I'm sure people tell you this, but rhyming isn't everything. It's more the shape and form of the poem then how it sounds.
But hey overall it's an amazing poem. Consider redoing it when you have the time, yes? I sometimes post down poems that took me five minute to write. That after about 30 seconds after posting them, I am rewriting them; fixing mistakes I couldn't believed I wrote.
Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. Can you explain where it doesn't seem to flow to you, because when I read through it in my head, it seems to fit. Is it any line in particular?
I didnt set out to write it with any style in mind. I never do. I just sat down, and that's what came out so Im not entirely sure what you mean.
If you want to reply here or you could pm me, I'd like to discuss it some more, and Id appreciate any more input you have.
__________________
"Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"
As cold descends, and all sound leaves,
she moves towards the light.
9-7
While all around, my family grieves,
we know she's lost her fight.
11-7
The numbers are the "count" per lines. Your fist two line has 9 syllables followed by seven. Your second two lines have 11 in the fist sentence and then seven in the second. Like I said, it's a little off and starts off rocky. Maybe because I'm thinking of this:
The cold descends, and all sound leaves
as she moves slowly towards the light.
While all around, my family grieves,
for we know she's lost her fight.
It's not perfect but you see it moves roughly like a [11]-[10]~[9-10]-[8] poem. It helps the flow of the stanza. Because poetry, unlike music, can not be written to differing speeds. You may get readers who will look at it and understand a shift in pace, but not everyone diverges that much into the poem.
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But fight she did, she never bowed,
no sign of weakness was conveyed.
Her strength in life has made us proud,
though it's begun to fade....
I call this archaic style. Not that it is an ancient and old style, but the way it moves its subjects and verbs make it seem old. For example you say "fight she did, she never bowed" instead of "and yet she fought, she never bowed". I don't think it's wrong or makes the poem anything less. I personally agree that sometimes it is necessary to move subjects and verbs around to keep to the rhyming scheme. Which is why I say:
............Are you sure about that? Its seems to me that it's more like 8-6 for my first two lines, and 8-6/9-6 for my second two (depending on how you pronounce "family") I know that isn't exactly perfect, but I think it helps set out the rhythm of the rhyming scheme for the rest of the poem.
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For some reason I just felt that "fight she did" emphasised what I was trying to say better. I try not to place too much emphasise on rhyme if it costs the poem it's rhythm though.
__________________
"Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"
Last edited by TheMercurial on Jul 3rd, 2007 at 05:42 PM