A bright sting zap crashed full spead a head.In a small farm near by seen every thing from the broken glass window.Camille ran her small fingers on the hard warn out wood on the table.She closed her eyes and wished for some thing,some thing that she could have a better life, before her pa could yell at her she headed of to hersmall broken room up stairs.She didn't have much,clouths,food,toys, she was lucky enofe she got a nice wood stone bed that she had shared with her sister.Camille closed her eyes and tryed to get some sleep,but couldn't she listened to the vosies that seem to come up the old wooden stairs that lead down to the kitchen door.Her ma and pa oways got every thing,the best of the foods,clouths,and other stuf.They didn't care about there daughters,neaver once.They didn't even planed to have them,IAtt just happened.As the long night drew darker and darker and the stars began to show camille made her way to the window.Rubing the new dirt away as her sister came in her curly hair hung in her eyes ,she smothed it back be hind her dirty ear.She snuged up to camille that put her arm around her and wisperd"it will get better it will"and tears filled in camilles sisters eyes.."are you sure?"she asked with a broken vosie and a lost dream.."yes sarah ..i promise you that."as camille smiled and looked deep into the night,wishing some how..some way she will find away,to leave this hurting place.
__________________ --MATT FEEL BETTER ILL BE COMING TO HANG OUT WITH U SOON!!!
The next morning Sarah laded on the bed still asleep,but camille,she was still at the window.She had her big eyes in fixed on the high smoked area where the light had crashed,ma and pa thought they where to good to go near it...camille wished she could go check it out,But how?Sarah's big brown eyes opened just a little looking at camille,who had been siting on her nees all night.But sarahs eyes opened when ma called them down.Camile and sarah head down stairs, there ma wasnt that good looking...hwer ugly hair that was pulled back in a bun, she had a mole on the tanish skin of her and her eyes,the looked so ...wronge?..? she shoved the plate of scareps at camille and sarah.Camille split it down in hafe.They made it last and went to work on the chores.There pa..he was mean to.... her was tall..not as fat as ma thouw but chuby i gess.He was tall with a blackish gray beard.With blue eyes and hardly any hair.To day ma had orderd me to go milk a cow,That was rare, sarah came with me.The nice freash air felt cgood on are skin.We made it last sarah milked the cow as i slowly made sure ma or pa didn't see me.I went over the the luight crash last night.I leaned forwerd to see but only a hole with smoke.But... i felt..wuho ?? it wasnt ma or wasnt pa? no..to light.My eyes moved to the side of my head and seen a angle.A tall white angle.She seemed nice but my heart raced"w-who a-are y-you??" i tryed to say with out the fear comeing to take over.My hand was shakeing my heart felt wierd and i felt like i was going to drop.Where is sarah my mind raced?
__________________ --MATT FEEL BETTER ILL BE COMING TO HANG OUT WITH U SOON!!!
Very low level of grammar used, Capital letters and so on. Spelling is quite poor.. infact atrocious! You should always run your entries through a spell check. Having a clutter of text is hard to read and will instantly tell the reader that you have little knowledge of grammar and punctuation. After reading both chapters I feel lost, confused and I have no idea what this story is telling me. Stories wrote in First-Person need to be written well and need to make the reader feel like their in the story.
If I sound harsh, I mean to be. You may call me a Simon Cowell of Creative Writing but at the end of the day the world needs criticism to function.
--MATT FEEL BETTER ILL BE COMING TO HANG OUT WITH U SOON!!!
Aug 17th, 2006 03:57 AM
