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Revived, (critique welcomed, be nice)
Started by: ~Forever*Alone~

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~Forever*Alone~
Empress

Gender: Female
Location: EveryWhere And NoWhere

waaaaaaa! i want someone to comment on my poems! i dont care if you hate them! be mean if you want to! just acknowlegde my existance!!!


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Old Post Oct 23rd, 2007 07:08 AM
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~Forever*Alone~
Empress

Gender: Female
Location: EveryWhere And NoWhere

^
^
^oh god i am pathetic. heres another poem based on a book, The Hobbit, by JRR Tolkien. its not finished obviously, and probably never will be.

its called "Bilbos Ballad"

There once was a hobbit that lived in the Hill,
And he hated adventures but he’d have his fill,
He’d face elves and goblins, giant spiders, a dragon,
Then back to his Hill for a nice tasty flagon.

One day Gandalf the wizard came wandering by,
To this unwelcomed guest he said goodbye,
If Bilbo Baggins had known what he was in for
He would have scratched off the symbol scratched on his front door.

The next morning poor Bilbo awoke with a shock to find,
Dwarves knocking his door of all shapes and each kind.
Courteously he invited them all in, gave them food, what a host!
But as he heard their story he turned pale as a ghost.

Poor little Bilbo really had no choice, he was forced to this quest,
But he’d be such a help no one could’ve guessed.
At the start of their journey he hated it so,
But later his love for adventure started to grow.

After a cold rainy journey, losing food, nearing night,
They saw deep in the forest a comforting light,
Bilbo scouted it out and saws three ugly trolls!
And that was the beginning and least of their woes!

The trolls caught them in sacks and prepared to feast,
When Gandalf saved them they weren’t ungrateful in the least
He tricked the trolls into fighting by his mimicking moans,
And in the sunlight of the morning they turned into stones.

Nearby in a cave they found treasure, food and swords,
This might come in handy when fighting the goblin hoards.
Later that week they were met by elves singing,
And were heartened by the memory ringing.

The Last Homely House they soon had to leave,
Over the Misty Mountains to find a dragons gold to thieve
Where the rain and cold would drive them into a cave
And goblins would come for them to enslave

Dragged deep inside the Misty Mountain tunnels
Escaping in darkness and other difficult trials
Bilbo got separated and made a meeting with golem,
They had a riddle contest to solve their problem,

Bilbo won the lifestake contest to his surprise,
And came out with an even greater prize,
A magical ring that would make you disappear
But this was a ring that golem held dear

Golem went after him but he couldn’t be seen
Then he found his way out and back with the thirteen
Gandalf and the dwarves were glad he was alive,
But they hadn’t even seen him arrive!
He’ll make a right burglar yet, they thought,
If he couldn’t be seen then he couldn’t be caught!


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Old Post Oct 24th, 2007 06:51 AM
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~Forever*Alone~
Empress

Gender: Female
Location: EveryWhere And NoWhere

wow that was longer than i thought..... wow.
heres one i wrote the other day at school cause i was bored.

Leaves.

The leaves on the ground where they lay,
brown bodies crushed into the concrete,
shall still remain after every day,
forever, simple, unique and sweet.

the fall is eternal as it was in the past,
there is no more summer winter or spring,
frozen forever in a fall that wont last,
that is what the future will bring.

it is our nature to seek freedom from our fate,
we struggle without realizing the ties that bind,
are generated by cruelty, fear and hate,
We all share a freedom that in death we find.



i think that looks more like two poems....


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Old Post Oct 24th, 2007 06:58 AM
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chillmeistergen
Restricted

Gender: Male
Location: United Kingdom

Account Restricted

quote: (post)
Originally posted by ~Forever*Alone~
Bad Sonnet #2

A slowly flowing river is as time,
A course long carved and followed endlessly,
It's eternal path so cruel and sublime,
Its duty to act so maliciously,
Time like a cycle of lovers quarrels,
Separated by hate, bound by their love,
the river will take them in its whorls,
They'll be taken home by the lord above,
Time lets them know where it is that they stand,
Friends and enemies all by the same bide,
like walking along the beach in the sand,
our footprints are washed away by the tide,
in the end all that will be left is time,
not even remembered will be this rhyme.


i dislike sonnets, because of all the rules.


You've sort of kept in it the iambic pentameter, which is pretty hard to do.

Good effort.


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Last edited by chillmeistergen on Oct 24th, 2007 at 09:00 AM

Old Post Oct 24th, 2007 08:51 AM
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~Forever*Alone~
Empress

Gender: Female
Location: EveryWhere And NoWhere

when i saw you i was scared to enter my thread....

uh, thank you.


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Old Post Oct 24th, 2007 05:19 PM
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~Forever*Alone~
Empress

Gender: Female
Location: EveryWhere And NoWhere

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, I KNOW ITS CRAP BUT I DONT CARE, I JUST WRITE THE SHIT THAT COMES OUT OF MY BRAIN!

I sit and wait for inspiration,
To me rhyme is like a game,
Words come like a communist nation,
Growing slowly keeping tame.

The State, the Party, Big Brother all,
I am told they will rule the “free”
And their empire will never fall,
As long as they’re a water monopoly.

The books will be burned,
All history will be rewritten,
They’ll kill all the learned,
Death in love, actually smitten.


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Old Post Oct 27th, 2007 03:22 AM
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~Forever*Alone~
Empress

Gender: Female
Location: EveryWhere And NoWhere

There was a very poor man who didnt have a house,
he lived out in the cold, and when winter came he froze,
first he lost he feet then hands, then he lost his life,
he had a dog, who chewed his bones when he was gone.

my sister has a friend who is very dear to her, and me,
she is a catholic, because her parents are catholic,
when her mom got cancer they thought she would be fine,
they prayed a lot and hired a priest, but she still died.

there was a very rich man once, who lived well and warm,
he had a lot of people who loved him, he was giving,
his plane crashed into the earth it tried to fly over,
needless to say he didnt survive, many people mourned.




hmmmmm... i dont get it.....


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Old Post Nov 3rd, 2007 01:15 AM
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~Forever*Alone~
Empress

Gender: Female
Location: EveryWhere And NoWhere

based upon a real story, which isnt over yet.

My Mistake

Because i was born into this life,
im forced to follow this path,
and when i got my hands on that knife,
i was determined to release my wrath.

it was fear and hate that took control,
that day you came to fight,
and now i will either pay the toll,
or run away, take flight.

if i stay i know it will get worse,
so i have to leave, to run,
i cant tell if it was my curse,
but im through with this im done.

to be continued...


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Old Post Nov 12th, 2007 11:28 PM
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~Forever*Alone~
Empress

Gender: Female
Location: EveryWhere And NoWhere

Let Me Sing.
Please let me hear my voice.
All i have is song.
You've taken it all away.
Please Let Me Sing.


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Old Post Nov 14th, 2007 05:01 AM
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TheMercurial
Unmythical mortal

Gender: Male
Location: Ireland

Impressive. Your stuff is seriously good. You have a real knack for getting your message across, but not letting it distort the flow of the poems. That's a skill which is too rare these days.
Keep it up, it'd be a true shame not to.


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Old Post Nov 21st, 2007 01:20 AM
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~Forever*Alone~
Empress

Gender: Female
Location: EveryWhere And NoWhere

i, dont know what to say to that....

im, sorry?


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Old Post Nov 21st, 2007 05:09 AM
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TheMercurial
Unmythical mortal

Gender: Male
Location: Ireland

Why sorry? I'm saying your stuff is great.


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Old Post Nov 21st, 2007 12:31 PM
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~Forever*Alone~
Empress

Gender: Female
Location: EveryWhere And NoWhere

i dont get it....


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Old Post Nov 21st, 2007 08:57 PM
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TheMercurial
Unmythical mortal

Gender: Male
Location: Ireland

I'm saying that you have a talent for expressing your message in your poems, and that, at the same time, that doesn't compromise the flow and rhythm of them, which a lot of people can't seem to do.
Then I said to keep up the good work.

?


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Old Post Nov 21st, 2007 09:01 PM
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~Forever*Alone~
Empress

Gender: Female
Location: EveryWhere And NoWhere

ahhhh why are you saying these mean things to me!!! you are so cruel!!


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Old Post Nov 22nd, 2007 02:33 AM
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TheMercurial
Unmythical mortal

Gender: Male
Location: Ireland

Global warming?


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Old Post Nov 22nd, 2007 12:30 PM
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Fëanor
Senior Member

Gender: Male
Location: Winterfell

she's an odd one, but in a normal sort of way.

Old Post Dec 10th, 2007 04:55 PM
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~Forever*Alone~
Empress

Gender: Female
Location: EveryWhere And NoWhere

i feel like i have MPS, oh well!


I sold my soul for passion
In flame i sealed my fate
the demon chose the fashion
so my passion became hate

i hide my hate in darkness
i still her the monster shout,
the thing that makes me fearless
is clawing to get out.

what is it i've become?
a creature undefined,
what i see so loathsome
i wish that i was blind

with destiny fate reckons,
wheres my seraphim, my saint?
because the demons power beckons,
the light is growing faint.

give in to your temptation,
if it feels if is right,
bring passion in a lifeless nation,
and darkness turns to light.


i started writing that after the knife incident.... i never actually hurt anybody, but he still wont shut up about it.


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Old Post Dec 10th, 2007 06:33 PM
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Fëanor
Senior Member

Gender: Male
Location: Winterfell

MPS?

now if i was privy to what that incident was...i'd be more the wise. I think.

very good tho'.

Old Post Dec 11th, 2007 09:59 PM
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Lara
Belladonna

Gender: Female
Location: Some where in the Poison Ivy

ok this is the third time I've tried to post in this thread so I'll keep it brief other wise I'm likely to throw my laptop out the window!



your work is good, my fave is the romantic graveyard. it has a good rhythem, it rolls easily off the tongue. the rhyme is well timed and balanced.

I would avoid basing you work on Poe's as his work is both complex and irregular.
stick to simpler forms and structures until you feel you have conquered them.

visionary work is well percieved and people can mentally envision the tale and message you are tring to get across.

one thing you must never ever do is look at other peoples work and think "my god, I'm crap I think I'll quit right now, I'll never be as good as they are!"
been there done that. but that isnt important. being creative is as it comes but you also have to work at it.

looking back at some of my art work from college now I think, "did I really do that? its great, that cant be my work!"
But it is my work and at the time when I was doing it I had so many other people working around me on their projects, I was lookin at their work and losing motivation of my own work. I was losing faith in myself and my creative ability.

I'm not saying dont look at other peoples work, not at all. use their ideas and techniques but dont ever, ever think that your work is worthless are rubbish. we all have to learn and progress and the only way to do that is to work through it for it.

keep writting what I've seen so far is great. big grin


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Old Post Dec 29th, 2007 05:00 PM
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