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Star Wars: The Starkiller- The Psycho Brigade
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Star Wars: The Starkiller- The Psycho Brigade

Here is a random chronicle of Galder Starkiller and his cohorts in
the Psycho Brigade,
in an attempt to make Lana thoroughly amused.

===


“Okay, so, here’s the plan...” Galder started.

“No.” Rianna was very adamant on the subject of not letting Galder plan. Ever.

“What do you mean no?”

“Your last plan failed horribly, didn’t it?”

“That wasn’t even my plan, it was Dak’s!”

“Well, you convinced me to go with it!”

“Who’s fault is that? You weak-willed *****!”

“And you’re a rancor-raping bastard!”

“Oh god, we’re going to die,” Dak sighed. If he could have smacked himself in the forehead, he would have. He tried using his tail, but it didn’t reach.

“Well, it could be worse, right?” Xavier asked, trying to lift the feeling of the conversation.

At that moment, the random pirate thug obeyed the orders he received and began lowering the lava-mining crane towards the molten river below. It was safe to say that he did not know why he was lowering them into the liquid flames, but then again, he did not know a lot of things about the Universe. The Force was one of those things he did not know about. But then again, who did (other than the obvious)?

“...great, Xavier...great...” Dak shook his head. “Here we are again, the Psycho Brigade...”

The term ‘Psycho Brigade’ was coined on the planet Kuoni, a small Republican world in the Mid Rim. It had been applied to Galder Starkiller and Rianna Xi, two very dangerous individuals who weren’t all there, if you know what I mean. Short story made shorter, they made a suicidal charge against an enemy that vastly outnumbered them and refused to die as easily as Galder and Rianna would have liked. Technically, the Dark Jedi won.

The term was later extended to anyone in the group who was One- somewhere between vaguely and obviously insane, Two- a combat freak, Three- a mass murderer, Four- a user of two lightsabers simultaneously (optional), and Five- just as bitchy and manic as the pair that the term originally applied to.

Unfortunately for Dak and Xavier, they fit they bill just fine and were now strapped to the lava-mining crane alongside Galder and Rianna, who were being indecisive and confrontational even as they were being put to death.

“How the hell did we get here anyways?” Xavier asked.

===


The planet of Santrojenus V was not all that terribly interested. On the surface, it was more or less an endless rain forest. It rained almost constantly, and the rain was very cold, meaning anyone on the planet would want to be seeking shelter in the caves. Said caves were just about everywhere on the planet of Santrojenus V, and due to the fact that they led to the lava rivers below the surface, they provided good warmth and protection against the rain. The Fire Fist pirates had taken advantage of this. Visitors to the world most likely would not want to hide in the caves of the Fire Fists. Visitors also would not want to hide in the other caves; they were full of creatures that resembled tiny, organic toasters that spit fire and enjoyed the taste of human flesh. In fact, Santrojenus V was not a planet that would normally have visitors whatsoever. Anyone claiming to be a visitor to Santrojenus V was either lying or just so incredibly stupid that their ignorance had somehow saved their lives against the toaster-creatures.

However, Santrojenus V had four visitors today, and they knew exactly where they wanted to go.

“There’s the cave entrance,” Galder said. Galder Starkiller was a powerful swordsman of Corellian lineage, born to rebellious Jedi parents who had died in his youth. Using a lightsaber had come naturally to him, and his skills were fine tuned by a phenomenal man known as Kuylen. Since Kuylen had supposedly died, Galder had been slowly losing his mind as he completely lacked any goals in his short, miserable, violent life. He had dark, tousled hair, and always looked as if he needed a shave. His outfit consisted of black pants with the Corellian bloodstripe on either pant leg and a black shirt with a gold arch across the front.

“What do you suppose we do?” Rianna asked. Rianna Xi was also an accomplished swordswoman, though her lineage came from Bespin miners from the Outer Rim. She had been raised in the Jedi Temple, though she made a terrible Jedi by most accounts. Finally, one day, she snapped, and needless to say, a lot of people died. If Rianna had ever been in a pleasant mood, her current company had never seen it. Her demeanor was usually very cynical and deliberately bitchy. She wore a tight black jumpsuit, concealed under her blood-red cloak. Strands of her fiery red hair protruded from the hood.

“I say straight charge,” Dak said. Dak Kaliero was yet another skilled swordsman, an Arnian from the icy and isolated lizard lands of Arnia. Back home, he was a revered Hero of the Revolution. Unfortunately, that was only back home. The blue-scaled black-spiked lizard was a long ways from home and had little opportunity for going back. Besides, home was boring. Dak was too hyper and excitable to be sitting at home manipulating people. He too was wearing a cloak, though his was black.

“Straight charge might be too dangerous,” Xavier replied. “We don’t know their defenses.” Xavier was a former Jedi, like Rianna, who had left the Jedi Order when he too snapped and killed his Master Ko Cabas in a fit of jealous rage. He was more cautious than the other three, paranoid about almost everything, though with good reason. His head was clean-shaven and he sported a goatee, and was clad in a butchered and sleeveless Jedi tunic, wearing a vest and dark combat gloves and boots.

“We don’t need to,” Galder said, looking through his electrobinoculars again. “I see two guards. Easy kills.”

“Lunkwill’s not stupid,” Rianna reasoned. “He knows he failed us and he deliberately cut ties with us. He’s not going to let us walk right in.”

“Eh, he lost a lot of men in the Newhaven run,” Galder replied, lowering the device. “Besides, since when have shown any competence whatsoever?”

“Um, that’d be NEVER,” Dak said. “If it’s anything to Rianna, I want to do the frontal charge, but let’s do silent take downs. Makes it more interesting. Won’t attract attention...”

Xavier and Galder supported the plan, so Rianna finally gave in to the vote after further coercion and arguing with Galder. Something told her that this would go horribly wrong and she was, of course, proven right. She felt secure at the time, however, with the fact that it was not Galder’s plan.

The two pirate thugs guarding the entrance to the cave were completely unprepared, trudging back and forth through the black mud at the cave’s entrance. Their blaster rifles were old and rusty, their wits were duller than a protocol droid’s sense of humor, and their necks were now broken as Rianna and Galder snuck up from behind and gave their heads a nice friendly twist. The pirates dropped into the mud.

“All too easy,” Rianna said, looking up to see the other three charging full on into the mouth of the cave. She followed quickly, groaning to herself when she heard the noise of a scuffle. Rounding the corner, she saw that her fellow Psychos were now engaged in combat with the specialists of the Fire Fists, from which the clan got their name. They wore gloves that had a special coating on them that allowed them to be ignited without damage to the glove or the wearer.

Galder was squaring off against the leader of the patrol they had blundered into. The leader sent in a jab with his burning gauntlet, but Galder ducked swiftly out of the way and landed a solid punch into the man’s stomach. Slightly winded, the leader stood no chance against Galder’s next blow. Powered up with the Force, Galder landed a punch on the man’s sternum that must have shattered it and all his ribs. The leader was flung backwards into the rock wall of the cave and crumpled to the ground.

Dak’s opponent had no better luck. While he managed to land a kick on Dak’s thigh, he never hit him or anyone else again. The Arnian had unsheathed his bizarre Arnian knives and performed a series of wild, spinning blows, slashing the man across the chest and arms. One swipe managed to catch on the fuel line that fed the flames on the pirate’s gloves. The fire instantly took advantage of the extra fuel and snaked up his arm and into the open line. As flames spit across the man’s body, burning him badly, the initial spark worked its way to the small fuel tank at his belt. The explosion blew open his stomach and right hip.

Xavier was busy punching out the lesser mooks who had obviously just been given the honor of wearing the burning gloves. Three of them charged him, and three of them were thrown over Xavier’s shoulder and into the wall. One tried to get the drop on Xavier as he dusted his hands, but Rianna quickly approached from behind and snapped his neck.

“So much for a stealthy entrance,” Rianna hissed at them.

“Yeah, well, this was more fun,” Galder snarled back.

“Not as fun as this will be,” came a voice from higher up. A secret door had slid open, and now a figure was outlined against the light. Said figure was holding a rather large, four-barreled proton rocket launcher. The sights were fixed in on the Dark Jedi currently standing below him.

“Hello Lunkwill,” Galder greeted, crossing his arms and beaming at the figure. “I take it that you’re not ready to die then...”

“Not quite.” With that, the old pirate pulled the triggers on his rocket launcher. The missiles weaved through the air towards the Psycho Brigade, leaving a trail of thick dark smoke. The Darkies immediately threw themselves aside, but they had been expecting an explosion. Instead, when the warheads burst, a cloud of poisonous gas billowed out from the blast and settled over the Dark Jedi.


__________________

Last edited by REXXXX on Jan 10th, 2007 at 06:47 AM

Old Post Jan 10th, 2007 06:44 AM
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REXXXX
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Location: San Diego

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“You’ve...got to be...kidding me,” Rianna said, between yawns. Slowly, she and the other Dark Jedi began to lose consciousness. Galder managed to stay awake long enough to fire a few unprepared potshots at Lunkwill, but only managed to blow apart pieces the rock wall.

And then, darkness.

===


“And that’s how we got here!” Dak cheerfully explained.

Xavier looked at him as if he had a Kowakian monkey-lizard seated on his head. “...I was being rhetorical.”

“And this is me not caring,” Dak snorted, turning to look down towards the stream of lava.

Galder and Rianna had stopped talking at this point.

For the Psycho Brigade, it seemed that this was the end. Spouts of flame burst up to lick at them as they were lowered closer and closer to the molten rock, the heat washing over them almost reminiscent of the feeling one gets when downing a bottle of Flaming Wookiee.

Suddenly, Rianna had a brilliant idea.

“Galder, do you remember what I said to Rand when I wanted him to catch all that junk in the Citadel?”

Galder glared over his shoulder at her. “Yeah, why?”

“Well, what was it?”

“’Use the Force, moron!’” Galder said, performing a poor imitation of Rianna.

“Then get to it!” Rianna shouted. With a snap of her finger, the stuncuffs that kept her hands pinned behind her back snapped off and dropped into the lava below with a amusing pop. Galder got the hint and did likewise, then passed it on to Dak and Xavier. Soon, their hands were all free. But just their hands.

“That doesn’t solve the ropes,” Galder snarled. They had had their elbows tied uncomfortably behind their backs, keeping them from using their hands.

“Vibroblade,” Rianna said. Galder knew what she meant, and he flexed his mechanical left hand. The vibrating knife slid out of his knuckles. With another snap of her fingers, Rianna solved the problem of the stuncuffs around her ankles and kicked them off, then edged around the small walking space of the crane and pressed the robe up against Galder’s vibroblade. The ropes were shorn almost instantly, and she tossed them aside too. She then set about getting Galder’s rope untied, and then let Galder cut the others free while she began climbing the crane.

By the time the random pirate thug realized that they were free, it was too late; Rianna had climbed to back to the crane’s loading-offloading platform and charged straight for him. He fired off a tell-tale shot from his rifle, but Rianna strafed it and wrenched the blaster from his hand with the Force. Rather than returning fire at the now unarmed pirate, she simply used it to bludgeon him into a bloody pulp.

Said pirate had a wife and three kids, but that was not entirely relevant to Rianna’s or the Psycho Brigade’s escape.

Having heard the gunshot, another pirate charged into the cavern. He raised his blaster to fire at Rianna, but she had retrieved her lightsabers from the pirate that she had bludgeoned and deflect the shot back into his chest. Another pirate was behind him, and another behind him, and she continued to reflect the shots back.

Finally, one shot hit a computer panel near the door, and a warning siren blared on.

“Good work,” Galder growled. “You’ve opened the dam down there. The lava’s going to fill up the room.”

“Not my problem,” Rianna said, cutting down a pirate as she proceeded to the next room.

===


Lunkwill had barricaded himself in his throne room, surrounded by twenty of his best gunslingers and his four most professional Fire Fist boxers. Currently, all twenty-five pairs of eyes were trained on the blast door as a purple blade penetrated it and began to cut a perfect circle through it.

“Don’t let them...!” Lunkwill began, but the rest of his sentence was drowned out by the roar of gunfire from the twenty riflemen and the two heavy turrets positioned on the ceiling. The barrage of laser bolts collided with the blast door and the walls around it, reducing paneling and armor to molten fragments and filling the room with smoke and light.

Then, the circle cut from the blast door was hurled at full speed inwards, crushing three of the pirates. Galder and Rianna had combined their power for a focused Force push.

“Not too shabby...” Galder said, raising his red lightsaber to intercept the incoming shots. They bounced off his blade and into one of the gunners, riddling him with bolts and sending him crashing to the ground.

“Shut up.” Rianna ran forwards, deflecting shots with her purple blade and chopping down a man with the orange. She leaped nimbly over a barricade and landed amongst more gunners, cutting several of them down with precise, well-aimed swings of her lightsaber. Galder did likewise, though his leap was less elegant and his blows more along the lines of wild swings.

The twenty gunmen had been finished off within two minutes of their entry.

“We’re almost finished up with the hangar,” Dak’s voiced crackled in over the comlinks as the four flame-glove boxers moved in on Galder and Rianna. “Xavier’s killed his second-hand man. Wooo.”

The first came at Rianna, swinging his fist wide. With a well-timed blow, his swinging fist went flying across the room as it was separated from his arm by Rianna’s orange blade. He cried out and sunk to his knees, where Rianna let him lie as she did the same to the next fighter. Once the two were down, she sank her lightsabers into their chests, then ripped the blades upwards and out through their necks.

Galder’s opponents had even less luck. He toyed with them, letting the punches come as he evaded with relative ease, then planted nasty, nerve-numbing kicks in their thighs and stomachs. Finally, tired of playing around, Galder swept his blades out in front of him in a wide arc, cutting into their chests and frying their hearts. They collapsed to the ground.

This just left Lunkwill.

“I-I-I can g-get more, we c-can raid Newhaven again!” he dribbled, raising a pistol towards the approaching Darkies. “We’ll work for you, I promise!”

“Who? We’ve wiped out all of your men,” Rianna hissed. “Stop sniveling, you knew this was coming...”

“Well, let’s get this over with,” Galder chuckled, lifting his lightsaber. He sent it whirring towards Lunkwill’s throat...only to be met with the clash of Rianna’s lightsaber.

“I want to kill him,” she said, glaring at him.

“I’m sorry, but I think you just prevented me from killing him...”

“Yes, because he’s my kill.”

“I disagree!”

Galder forced her blade upwards and out of the way, then kicked Lunkwill to the ground and out of the way. Stepping towards Rianna, he brought his red lightsaber around to her left and his blue lightsaber around to her right. She lifted her blades and intercepted the attack, and they were locked. With their lightsabers crackling, they began kicking at each other while Lunkwill began to sneak away. Once he was out of lightsaber range, he got to his feet and began to run while the pair of Darkies smacked their lightsabers together in a heated battle...which ended suddenly as they noticed their prey leaving.

Suddenly, Lunkwill felt four piercing pains in his back and fell to his knees, looking down to see the orange, red, purple, and blue shafts of light protruding from his chest. The two had concluded to just kill him together, and hurled their lightsabers at him from across the room. He slumped to his side, and was dead.

“Well, mission accomplished,” Galder said.

“Yup,” Rianna said.

They stood their a second, then shrugged, retrieved their lightsabers, and left the room.

Shortly after they left, the room began to fill with lava due to some deliberate sabotaging of the lava dam systems that Lunkwill had installed. There was much snickering as the Psycho Brigade watched from the viewscreens in Xavier’s ship as explosions emanated from various entrances to the base and lava seeped out in waves.

And that was more or less the last time anyone set foot on Santrojenus V again without being eaten by toaster-creatures.

===

Here ends part of Galder’s tale, and my attempt at amusing Lana with mass murder and chaos, as sadistic as that is.

Yay massacre!


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Old Post Jan 10th, 2007 06:46 AM
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Peach
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I...think I'm dead from laughing or something.


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Old Post Jan 10th, 2007 06:54 AM
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WARNING: The above post may contain sarcasm and/or sophisticated satire. Any psychological damage sustained is purely your fault.

Old Post Jan 10th, 2007 07:12 AM
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Newjak
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That was great Rex although it could ahve used more Xavier he is the coolest after all stick out tongue


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Old Post Jan 11th, 2007 02:49 PM
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Lol, Rancor-raping bastard...

Old Post Jan 19th, 2007 10:42 PM
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