were I a writer, I would.....hmmm...well let's give it a go.....
Leo: Hi, Sailorleo here, for once I'm here to talk about something important, that doesn't involve my love for Norrie....
*crickets chirp*
Leo *angry* Oy! I'm being serious! *puts hands on hips*
Will: Hi, Will Turner, Captain here *looks and an angry petite woman dressed in pirate garb* Ah, hello there, allow me to assist you-
*is shoved off the screen by sailor
Leo: *haughty* this isn't a duet! *fixes hair and looks into camera* Ok, where were we? Ah yes, I remember now *sits into an old dusty chair and sips from a bottle of Rum, there is a fire going in the hearth* Hi, Sailorleo here, the love of Norrington's life. I'm here today to speak on a very important topic with you all-Buggery!
Director: *from off screen* NO! That's not the material we agreed on! *leo gives a pout to the camera* Just read the damn lines as written!
Leo: Oh fine *coughs* Hi, Sailorleo here, I'm here to talk about a very important subject dear to my heart-
Director: Ok, that's a wrap! Thanks for coming
Leo: WTF!
*camera goes off, Leo is left in the dark*
Leo: Oh, you guys all suck!!!
This PSA has been brought to you by Norrington's hat...It's pointy,and blue...
__________________
Norrie+Sailor= Happiness !
Banner by Sailorleo *me*
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
Lol, they screwed you over. We'll get revenge. I've been forgetting to mention all the sponsers of the specials. I'll have a lawsuit on my hands. Okay, sailor, this is for you.
Will: (sifts his brandy) Mmm, pretending to be rich. (sees camera) Oh, hi. Will Turner here, retired ship captain. You all saw James Norrington's drunken behavior at the awards show, which is why I'm letting you visit in on an important event: his intervention.
(James enters the Turner shack. Liz sends Junior into the other room)
James: Hi, I was told someone could take me to the gun factory here?
Elizabeth: Sit down, James. We need to talk.
(James sits, a confused expression on his face)
Wll: We don't have to play the tape of you getting your Pearly to tell you where this going, do we?
James: I don't understand. I was just so happy I'd won something after being killed off.
Swann: Happy meaning wasted?
James: Wasted? I beg your pardon?
Will: We have another tape. (puts tape into old-fashioned vcr. Don't ask.)
(Tape shows James suspended in the air by a very visible wire. He is in a Peter Pan costume)
Video James: (singing) I won't grow up, I won't grow up. Don't wanna go to school.
(Will shuts it off and looks at him)
James: That was for the KMC charity benefit. Everyone did a musica number. Harry Potter was a gangster in Guys and Dolls, Gimli and Aragorn were Sharks in West Side Story. Hell, the kid from Transformers played Evita!
Barbossa: But you choosing Peter Pan (shake his head) Drunken judgment, James. Drunken judgment.
James: You can't be serious! (points to Jack) He's the alcoholic!
Jack: Me?
James: Yes! I'll tell you a story, a story of a well-to-do pirate who had finally gotten his ship back.
Jack: Boring!
Elizabeth: This is about you.
Jack: Still the boring part.
James: This pirate then decided to drink all the way through two of his own sequels, especially the last one, which made people dislike it more so than the other two movies!
Jack: Actually, that was a pretty good story.
Will: We're sending you to rehab, James. You need some help.
James: I'm not an alcoholic!
Elizabeth: You know who says that: alcoholics.
(Suddenly, a grenade is thrown through the window.)
Barbossa: Everybody run!
(everyone but James leaves. The grenade is actually a small bottle. Sailorleo comes out of it like Jeannie.)
James: Whew. That was close.
Sailorleo: To think a bunch of drunks would tell you to get help. You're the most sober of all.
James: I like you in your Jeanie costume. Let's see...I WISH you would get me out of here.
(Sailor does the link/blin/bow and runs off with James, choir music in the background)
(Will pops out from behind the door)
Will: That was close. Well, uh, I'm Will Turner, retired ship captain, and the rest of us are going to, uh, get some tea.
This special brought to you by the brig: What you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
"James: That was for the KMC charity benefit. Everyone did a musica number. Harry Potter was a gangster in Guys and Dolls, Gimli and Aragorn were Sharks in West Side Story. Hell, the kid from Transformers played Evita!
Barbossa: But you choosing Peter Pan (shake his head) Drunken judgment, James. Drunken judgment."
^^^Oh.My.Gosh. I laughed so hard at that part I about fell out of my chair!!!
Great!!!
Lol, Jaeh, you're right! I once read this fic where they changed the lyrics to "What do you do with a drunken sailor, put him in bed with the govenor's daughter" - lol!
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
Oh I think I know which one you're talking about savvysparrow. Yeah, that's the song I used for the sponser. I can't remember the name of the fic, though, but I remember Jack singing that.
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
(Will is sitting around a poker table with the other POTC guys. We see his hand. He has absolutely nothing.)
Will: Stupid hand...oh hi! Didn't see you there! Will Turner here, retired ship captain. You may be wondering how I'm going to win this hand in spite of such pitiful cards. One of the most important lessons I will ever teach you is how to bluff and psych out your opponents. (to the guys) So...how about those Mohicans, huh? Savage brutes, or misunderstood warriors?
Jack: What the hell are you talking about?
Barbossa: Play the game, Will.
Will: (to us) Sometimes distractions aren't the best. I've just thrown my chip in, indicating I have more than I do. Now it's time to get the others to fold. This is my move.
(Will raises one eyebrow in a strange, yet sexy manner)
James: What's that look for?
Will: Oh nothing. I was just imagining what it's like when you nibble little Sailorleo's ear? She told us your little nickname for her.
(James throws the bowl of pretzels at Will)
James: I fold. (his cell phone...I know, just run with it...starts playing Under the Sea) Ooh, that's Mer-Girl! (runs off to talk on the phone with sailor)
Will: One down, two to go.
Barbossa: I guess Norrington folds!
Jack: To Sailor, if not us.
Will: (does his eyebrow thing to Barbossa)
Barbossa: Stop coming on to me.
Will: Oh, that's not what this is.
(Barbossa looks a little freaked out. He stares back at Will, trying to figure out what's going on)
Barbossa: Uh, I'm going to leave. Will, I suggest you get back to the wife. (leaves)
Will: So, Jack...
Jack: No.
Will: Just you and me.
Jack: No.
Will: (to us) Jack is a good bluffer. He will be a challenge. (does his eyebrow thing)
Jack: That just doesn't look right.
(Scene shifts to James on the phone)
James: Okay, ooh, the nurse outfit. I'll be there as soon as I win all of Jack and Will's money. It looks like Barbossa left. Okay, love you too. Bye. (gets off the phone. Looks in at the poker game)
(Scene shifts back to Jack and Will)
Jack: You can't beat me, William.
Will: Then decide: call or fold?
(Scene shifts back to James. He shakes his head. He puts a sheet over his face and gets out his pistol)
James: All right! Hands up! This is a robbery.
(Will and Jack stare blankly)
Jack: He's the one with all the money. I lost it all.
Will: Jack!
James: Hand it over.
(Will gives the "robber" all the money on the table. Jack gloats)
James: And you, since you didn't have anything. Dance!
Jack: That's a vague command. There are a variety of... (James shoots at the ceiling)
(Jack starts doing an uncoordinated jig)
James: All right. Have a lovely night. (leaves. He takes off his sheet and laughs) Pizza tonight, sailor.
(Back to Will and Jack)
Jack: Well, I'd best be going. Hey, mind if I take that axe with me?
Will: You want to crash on our couch tonight?
Jack: (jumps onto it) Goodnight.
Will: (to us) Okay, so that's how to bluff. I will next bluff by telling Elizabeth I simply lost the game and managed to stop the robber from taking the baby pictures. I'm Will Turner, retired ship captain and expert bluffer saying goodnight.
Brought to you by Bicycle Cards: the best cards with a naked baby on them
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
Well it's that time again. Will has decided to go on a break from his specials because all of us here at the forum apparently don't listen to him. But that's okay. We have a back up.
(The dog with the keys is balancing on a beach ball)
James: Wait! I'm here! Cancel the dog.
(The dog sees a treat backstage and disappears)
James: Hi, James Norrington here, Renaissance Man. Will thinks every bit of your lives should be spent following his guidelines. Well, I'm here today to tell you that if you follow only one lesson ever, follow this one: How to Properly Bust People Out of Brigs
(James strolls along the Dutchman brig. Elizabeth and her crew are screaming at him to be let out)
James: Everyone remembers this delightful scene that made Sailorleo stalk Elizabeth for a few nights. But that's not the focus here. I did onscreen what you are NOT supposed to do. So now I will show you the way it's done.
(looks around. He opens his coat and pulls out a rather out-of-place grenade. He pulls the pin and tosses it down the corridor)
Voice 1: Ooh! A gigantic raisin!
(EXPLOSION!)
James: Step 1 is to get rid of anyone who might stand in your way. Step 2, get the keys.
(James approaches one of Davy's crew. He curls his fingers in and out to get warmed up, then pinches an exact point on the sea monster's neck. The monster passes right out.)
James: A little trick I picked up in the British navy. We want you! (points to the camera like Uncle Sam for a split second) Never liked the way Americans recruit, but it works...anyways, I have the keys now! Yay me! (steps over the sea monster carefully)
(He unlocks the cell)
Elizabeth: What are you doing?
James: Step 3, come up with a witty line that is a callback to a previous exchange to signify meaning. (to Elizabeth) Choosing sides.
(They sneak around the ship to the back. People start climbing across the rope)
James: Glad I don't have to do that.
Elizabeth: You're not coming with us?
James: Meh, I have a feeling I can take over this ship. You better get going, though. Step 4, just because they're out, doesn't mean everything's smooth sailing. There are dangerous, foul, odious, bad-smelling things afoot.
(Bootstrap appears)
James: Take him, for example. (to Elizabeth) Climb across. Now! (draws his sword) All right, stunt training, do your stuff.
Bootstrap: (sighs as he reads his script with no feeling) Prisoners, oh no. Sound the alarm.
James: (hamming it up) Stand down, man!
Bootstrap: (draws sword) Okay. I'll be in my bunk. (sulks off)
(Davy comes out)
Davy: What are you doing? You're releasing the prisoners.
James: Step...uh...next: ALWAYS have a good story to get you out of trouble. (to Davy) I'm not releasing any prisoners.
Elizabeth: James! Come with us!
James: Dammit, thanks a lot, Liz! (back to Davy) She's just a little drunk, you know, kissing this guy and that guy and making a spectacle of herself.
Davy: I'd kill you if I had a sword!
James: Yeah, well, you don't.
(James somehow magically cuts to a cozy Masterpiece Theater-style living room with a cozy fireplace and armchair. He's in only a bathrobe and Chilly Willy the Penguin house slippers. He's smoking a pipe.)
James: So there you have it. Because I know you fangirls are crazy, you will probably need to bust each other out of jail at least a few times in your lives. Remember my words to live by, and you'll do just fine.
(Will comes out)
Will: What are you doing in our living room? Where did the pipe come from?
James: (out of the armchair) Uh...just finishing an after school special. Just let me collect myself...(yells up the stairs) Hey, Sailorleo! You told me they wouldn't be home! (back to the camera) Well, I'm James Norrington, all-around skilled guy. See you next time!
This after school special brought to you by Scarlett's Pastries: They're Cheap and Easy
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
(Will is looking out to sea, possibly pissed)
Will: Hi, Will Turner here, possibly newly appointed ship captain...if I lose my lawsuit. Well to get my mind off the proceedings, I've come up with a new lesson for all of you. How to overrun a fort.
(flashback to James and Swann walking along the fort)
Swann: Has my daughter given you an answer?
James: I don't want to talk about it! She was ogling some pirate in her underwear!
Swann: No need to shout. I was there, you know.
Will: (to himself) It would be so funny if they kissed right now. (sees us) Oh, hi, Will Turner here. These two unsuspecting oafs are about to experience the first lesson of a successful fort take over: the element of surprise.
(Barbossa's undead pirates storm the fort wreaking havoc)
Will: No one expected these party animals to unleash hell like they are.
James: Barricade yourself inside, governor! (Swann looks at him funny) That's an order.
(Swann does a Jack-esque "lizard run" inside the fort as James takes out his sword)
Will: This would be an awfully short lesson if surprise was all you needed, though. The next thing you need is a strategy. After you overtake the fort, then what? Do you, as the captain, just sit in an easy chair reading magazines?
Barbossa: I would have preferred that, actually. (sits down in the fort with the newest issue of Cosmo)
Will: Ew, Cosmo. I'm more of a Vogue man myself. Best Step 2 of taking over a fort: have a plan.
Pintel: (speaking uncharacteristically intelligent) All right, comrades. If we are exactly 9 miles from the governor's mansion and we know the governor's daughter will be in the highest room in the highest tower of the house, and we approach through the town going roughly a mile every 10 minutes, by what time should we be telling the poppet we've come for the medallion?
Ragetti: (raises his hand)
Pintel: Ragetti?
Ragetti: What's the word for if you've gone cross eyed but only have one eye?
(Pintel smacks himself in the forehead)
Will: So make sure you have an effective plan. Hostages are always effective, especially rich, beautiful ones. Be warned: it helps to be undead.
(shows clip of Elizabeth burning Ragetti with hot coals and he reacts in pain)
Will: Well how did that happen?
Director: Will? Uh, Will? You just brought a plot hole to everyone's attention. Move on.
Will: Yes, well, the last step is to tie up any loose ends. You've surprised them all, taken your hostages, now it's time to make sure you can get away with it.
(cuts to Barbossa and Elizabeth's parleying scene)
Barbossa: I am disinclined to acquiese to your request...means no. Welcome aboard the Black Pearl! (they sail off)
Will: What happened to all those soldiers up there on the fort? They still had guns and cannons. They could have fired.
(sees a beaten-up soldier crawl towards him)
Will: Gross!
Soldier: We could have fired our guns and cannons as they were leaving, but then it wouldn't have been a successful fort take over. (dies)
Will: Oh of course! Well, I need to go bust my girlfriend out of the brig before those pirates do something nasty like give her a new dress, feed her, and then prick her hand. Until next time!
This special brought to you by the direct-to-dvd sequel: Pirates of the Caribbean 4: How Barbossa Got His Groove Back
KMC Community Forums
Oct 12th, 2007 04:42 AM
*blinks* omg, love you willo, and I am so buying your book when i get paid today 
