Will and Liz are appearing on Oprah, to taut Will's new book: "True Love Waits", which is on Oprah's book list.
Oprah: And now we are going to hear from some dear friends of mine, who have truly exemplified a commitment that can inspire us all. Ladies and Gentlemen, William and Elizabeth Turner!
(everyone claps. Will and Elizabeth come out looking very smart and stylish.)
Oprah: Thank you both so much for being here. I'm sure it must be difficult, after being separated for so long, to take time.
Will: It's a pleasure. We are so honored to be here.
Elizabeth: He watches your show constantly. He's such a big fan.
Oprah: Now, Elizabeth I know you have this incredible story of love. You crossed some clear class boundaries to get together, had your wedding day ruined, and then actually experienced the death of your husband, only to have him restored to you. And then you were seperated for 10 years?
Elizabeth: Yes, 10 years.
Oprah: Tell me about the journey. Were there ever moments you didn't think you would make it?
Elizabeth: Oh, all the time. People see it as this epic grand story, but having your wedding ruined? Do you have any idea how much money we'd spent on that? So there's a ton of credit card debt right there, not to mention, we had to send the gifts back.
Oprah: Did you ever get the storybook wedding you'd hoped for?
Elizabeth: Well, it was sort of rushed. We were in the midst of an epic battle, and then Will died, but once things got sorted out we had a day to ourselves before he had to leave again.
Oprah: I'm sure it was a truly special day.
Elizabeth: Of course, but frankly, we've had much better since. The first time is always a little awkward.
Oprah: (changing the subject) Will, what was the separation like for you?
Will: Well, we skyped a lot. Wrote a lot of letters. There were a few times we cheated on the curse a little bit: a little trick I learned from Davy Jones about a bucket of water. Long distance relationships can work, they just take a lot of effort and commitment. Plus, Elizabeth was raising a kid and working full time as Pirate King, and she had a lot of people looking after her. That made it much easier on me.
Oprah: (to Elizabeth) And during this time you raised your son.
Elizabeth: Yes, Will Junior.
(Camera shows Will Junior in the audience, waving.)
Oprah: What was that like for you?
Elizabeth: It was a great experience. I had a lot of help, especially from two people: Captain Jack Sparrow and Captain Hector Barbossa.
Oprah: (to audience) We've asked Captain Sparrow and Captain Barbossa to be here with us today. Ladies and Gentlemen, please give them a warm welcome!
(Everyone claps wildly as Jack and Barbossa come onstage. Both look snazzy.)
Oprah: So you two were there for Elizabeth while she was raising this child apart from Will?
Jack: Every inch of the way.
Barbossa: We love him like he was our own son.
Jack: It was a little like living in a sitcom. Every day you wake up, go up on deck, and think, what trouble is the kid going to get us into today?
Barbossa: And if it wasn't the kid, it was Elizabeth. Oprah, I don't know if you know what a hardened criminal she is. Why, just thinking about all the violence, all the debauchery...
Oprah: (interrupting) So, Will, what inspired you to write this book?
Will: (clearly drumming it up to get attention away from Barbossa and Jack) Coming back to find my love with Elizabeth stronger than ever. I just wanted to remind modern couples that true love can last forever. I don't think people have heard that message since the Princess Bride came out.
(Everyone smiles and nods.)
Oprah: That is such a powerful message.
Jack: (interrupting, clearly to steal attention away from Will) You know, Oprah, what made this whole experience that much more dramatic? I was in love with Elizabeth at the time she and Will were married.
(the crowd gasps.)
Oprah: Oh my goodness. I had no idea!
Jack: Most people didn't. I didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize Elizabeth's love for Will. I tried to treat her with absolute honor and respect.
(Will rolls his eyes. The crowd claps.)
Oprah: It was incredibly selfless of you to save Will's life and assure they would be together.
Jack: Well, I care about them both so much. That's why I stayed around to help raise Will junior.
Oprah: What was that like for you? Were you still in love with Elizabeth?
Jack: (tearing up) Yes... for a long time it was incredibly difficult. I had to deny myself for the sake of her marriage. I didn't think I would ever love again...
(The crowd is all misty eyed. Will is rolling his eyes and Elizabeth is shaking her head, no doubt remembering Jack's many exploits during the time period.)
Oprah: What helped you finally move past her?
Jack: Well, I worked a lot. Stole and buried a lot of treasure, you know. After a while, though, I knew I needed to move on. Will was coming back, and they would get on with their life. That's when I met Kate Beckinsale. We are currently dating. She is the first person to make me feel this way in a long time.
Announcer voice: Ladies and Gentlemen, Kate Beckinsale!
Kate Beckinsale walks out in armani. Even Oprah seems surprised.
Jack: So Katie, tell me. What is it like, dating the most notorious pirate in the caribbean?
Katie: It's a blast. We're having a great time. We're still in the flirty romantic stage, so it's all, "will he kiss me? will he use tongue?"
Jack: (giggling) Oh, he will.
Oprah: And do you ever talk about his past?
Katie: Oh, all the time. He's legendary. He's got endless stories. So I have to come up with endless stories to top him. It's kind of like a game.
Jack: Which we often play naked.
Oprah: I think there's a lot modern couples could learn from you. Do you have a message you want to leave the audience with?
Jack: Just follow your heart. Don't be afraid to love again...
Will: Excuse me, Oprah? But I thought this episode was about ELIZABETH and I!
Oprah: Oh, right. Ladies and Gentlemen, you will all be taking home a copy of Will's new book, "True Love Waits"!
Jack: And, stay tuned for MY book, which will be released soon, entitled, "True Love or True Lust? A Pirate's approach to romance."
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
"Elizabeth: Oh, all the time. People see it as this epic grand story, but having your wedding ruined? Do you have any idea how much money we'd spent on that? So there's a ton of credit card debt right there, not to mention, we had to send the gifts back."------Kate
Oh my gosh! Every bit of this was hilarious! Oprah, never thought of them all going on there. And for some reason I imagined Jack pulling a Tom Cruise and jumping on her couch to shout how in love he is...but I guess he and Katie aren't there yet.
(Will and Elizabeth are in their living room. They look like they are expecting someone)
Will: (watching tv) You know, I really like this show Everybody Loves Raymond. The Frank character really reminds me of Barbossa.
Elizabeth: It's won several awards.
Will: What night are the new ones on?
Elizabeth: Oh, sweetie, the last episode was a few years ago.
Will: I hate Davy Jones. (pouts)
Elizabeth: (snuggles next to him) You know, I'm sure he's in hell, those tentacles burned to a nauseating crisp. Little goblins are pecking away at his wooden leg so he can't run away from them. Then, he sees a glimpse of Calypso walking seductively towards him, smelling like the wind on the sea. She's naked, but he can't touch her. Because he's in hell!
Will: (responds to her snuggling) Damn, you're hot.
(there is a knock at the door)
Will: That's the lawyer.
Elizabeth: Let's pretend we're not home!
Will: But...the wills.
Elizabeth: Yes, you're right.
(Will answers the door. A bookish lawyer enters with a briefcase.)
Will: Hi, I'm Will. (shakes hand) This is Elizabeth. (she waves and smiles) I hope there's not a subpoena in there! (jokes, the lawyer doesn't laugh) Sit down.
(Hours later...Elizabeth and Will are trying to contain their boredom)
Lawyer: For a couple separated for so many years, such dangerous, volatile jobs you both have, on top of providing for a child...you're actually very secure financially.
Will: Don't let some of our friends know that. (Elizabeth laughs but the lawyer doesn't.)
Lawyer: There's just one final matter and it's what becomes of your son if something should happen to both of you at the same time. Will, you're mortal now and Elizabeth, with such a dangerous job...
Elizabeth: Oh well, (looks at Will) hmm. My parents are dead. Bootstrap?
Will: Flying Dutchman. He won't be available for a while.
Elizabeth: Yes. We could always change it back to him ten years from now. I suppose we should leave him with Jack.
Will: Uh, I'm not sure that's a great idea.
Elizabeth: Who would you leave him with, Barbossa?
Will: Surely there must be other people we know. I mean, you run a whole island and I've saved...what about James?
Elizabeth: James is an idea. But we don't hang out with him all that much anymore, and sailorleo's so wild.
Will: He would be hard to get in touch with.
Lawyer: This can wait if you need a while...
Will: No, I guess I'd rather have Jack be his guardian than Barbossa.
Elizabeth: Are you sure? (Will nods) Captain Jack Sparrow.
(Jack comes bursting in with a wild look)
Jack: Quick! Someone's going to come to the door and I need you to tell them I'm in Croatia. (runs up the stairs)
Junior's Voice: Uncle Jack!
Lawyer: Is that Captain Jack Sparrow?
Will: No. (nervous laugh) No. That's um...
Elizabeth: That's Will's crazy Uncle Jack Lark. Jack Sparrow is MUCH much more responsible and, what's the word, dear?
Will: Low key?
Elizabeth: Low key.
Lawyer: Wait, I think that is Jack Sparrow. I saw him on Oprah.
Elizabeth: Oh, everyone thinks they saw everyone on Oprah. Here, take a signed copy of Will's book.
Will: (showing him to the door) Just remember, we're good parents with clean cut friends. Drop in any time you're in the neighborhood! (closes door) (to Elizabeth) 3, 2, 1...
Will: Can we help you?
(Scarlett is at the door)
Scarlett: I thought I saw Jack Sparrow running down this block. He said he'd met someone and he wasn't going to see me anymore!
Will: That cad! I saw him. He ran down that way.
Scarlett: Thanks. (runs down the street)
Elizabeth: (turned on) Oh, Will, that was sneaky. (Will climbs over her on the couch and they start making out) Oh! Jack and Junior are upstairs.
Will: I'm willing to face the thrill of being caught.
(Jack and Junior have a bunch of legos out and are constructing a massive fort)
Junior: (takes his red power ranger and climbs over the lego wall) Roar! It's a gigantic kraken and I'm going to terrorize Fort Port Royal.
(Jack looks over his shoulder)
Junior: What's wrong, Uncle Jack?
Jack: I smell sex and candy. (looks at Junior) Hey, wow. We can make Star Wars ships take off from inside the fort. (Junior is happily distracted. Jack sighs in relief)
Jack is sitting on the couch, watching the disney channel with Will Junior. Elizabeth comes in.
Elizabeth: Did Hannah Montana finally reveal her crush on that guy?
Will Junior: No... but Jack finally realized her hair was a wig.
Jack: It looks so real!
Elizabeth: So Jack, do you and Katie have big plans for tonight?
Jack: (playing with one of his braids) We're in a fight.
Elizabeth: What? Why?
Jack: You wouldn't understand.
Elizabeth: Jack, you can tell me! Of course I'll understand.
Jack silently points at Will Junior and makes a face. Elizabeth takes the hint.
Elizabeth: Uh, Junior, I think I hear the ice-cream man.
Will Junior: Hooray! (runs outside.)
Elizabeth: So... what's up?
Jack: Well, we were fooling around last night,
Elizabeth: Not here, I hope...
Jack: No, at the movies.
Elizabeth: Right. Go on.
Jack: And she asked me where the relationship was going.
Jack: And, I told her I was having fun with her and it was refreshing to be with a woman who was independent and didn't need a man to define her.
Elizabeth: (groans) Jack! You NEVER say that to a woman!
Elizabeth: When a woman asks that question, you are supposed to say, "It's going forward, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever met, I love the way our minds connect, I can't wait to see where this goes!"
Jack: Ahhh... flattery and deception.
Elizabeth: The key ingredients to romance.
Will: Am I interrupting something?
Jack: Come to think of it, Lizzie does look especially saucy in that apron.
Elizabeth: Jack! (to Will) He and Katie are in a fight.
Will: So, did you sleep with her and forget to call her, or attack her for drinking your rum?
Jack: She was upset that I dated your mom.
Will: (rolls his eyes) You have got to learn how to be in a serious relationship, Jack.
Jack: Mate, I'm captain Jack Sparrow. I just love my freedom more than women, that's all.
Elizabeth: Jack, you need to call her and fix things. Deal with this maturely.
Jack: Alright. I'll call her later.
(the doorbell rings)
Jack: Ah, she's here.
Jack: No. The jealousy factors.
Jack opens the door. The Olsen twins, Lindsey Lohan, and Scarlett Johanson are standing outside in skimpy clothing.
Jack: Make sure you call the paparazzi. I don't want anyone to miss this night.
Jack winks at them and walks out the door. Will and Liz look at each other.
Liz: Well, I would dump him.
Will: Maybe we can fix this. (picks up phone and dials) Hi, Brad? What are you doing later? Do you think you could get a couple friends-- say, George Clooney, Joaquin Phoenix, Matt Damon, and take Kate Beckinsale out for a wild night on the town? That would be great, thanks...
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
Ooh, I love this, Kate. Let's see where this goes.
(Will, Elizabeth, Junior, and Jack are walking around at the zoo.)
Jack: Thanks for inviting me. Always a pleasure goin' out with the Family Turner.
(Junior starts imitating the bears as they stop and watch them at their pavillion)
Will: Uh, Junior?
Junior: I'm a bear, Daddy!
Will: (screams) Oh my God! A bear! A bear! Run, Elizabeth! (she laughs as Will runs and Junior runs after him)
Elizabeth: Those were some provactive pictures of you in Us Magazine.
Jack: Meh, I've had kinkier.
(Will runs by with a magazine in his hand. He sprints past them as Junior chases after him. He throws the magazine to Elizabeth, who catches it)
Will: (breathless) Page 22. "Pirate Hero Pegs Paris Hilton Wannabes"
Jack: Did you hear that? Pirate hero. (looks proud of himself) Katie will be running back begging to be in the arms of a pirate hero.
Elizabeth: I used to think you were smart. (takes a picture of a bear standing straight up) Will! Let's head to the dolphin pavillion before their show starts.
(Will comes back carrying Junior on his back)
Will and Junior: I love the zoo! (look at each other) Nice.
(Elizabeth takes a picture of them)
Elizabeth: Oh it's fun to be a mom...to three boys.
(Sitting waiting for the dolphin show to start)
Junior: Where's Aunt Katie, Uncle Jack?
Jack: First of all, kid, she's not Aunt Katie. She's just a big-name celebrity who wants to have her cake and eat it too...and looks damn sexy when she eats it.
Will: Don't use that kind of language in front of Junior.
Elizabeth: I think he meant literally eat the cake.
(Suddenly Katie enters the dolphin pavillion with George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Matt Damon with her)
Elizabeth: (in a fake voice) Why, it's Katie Beckinsale! (they do that fake kissy thing rich women do) Famous actress and well-known daredevil. How have you been?
Katie: (in a fake voice) Why, it's Elizabeth Turner, Pirate King and well-known ship hijacker. It's been forever. Hi, Will. I'd like to introduce you to my friends George, Brad, and Matt. They've just completed a movie. Maybe you've heard of Ocean's 13.
Jack: Katie, two of those three a**holes are married and to be honest, your upturned nose might put off the one with the bags under his eyes.
George: (to Katie) Does he mean me?
Will: I was named Sexiest Undead Pirate last year.
Brad: That was you? (high-fives him) Wow, no flesh came off when we touched. You must be back to normal.
Matt: I was named Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine. (looks Will over) But I bet a lot of young teen girls will like you. Glad I have caps on my teeth for my dazzling smile.
Katie: Matt once considered cheating on his wife with me.
Junior: Cheating like on a test?
(Elizabeth covers his ears)
Elizabeth: Yes, well, you all will have to excuse Will and me. We promised Junior we would let him pet one of the dolphins.
Will: Uh, we just managed our finances, Elizabeth. I'm pretty sure it costs a lot of money to touch a dolphin here.
Elizabeth: (trying to whisper) We're pirates now, Will. We can negotiate. (to Katie) Well, it's been lovely running into you. Do stay. I hear this is the top dolphin show in town!
(they head further down, closer to the tank)
George: Do you like motorcycles?
Jack: Mate, I steal ships, make the prisoners memebers of me crew, sail to unknown territories, and pillage until I'm satisfied, often finding lots of rum and women along the way. Oh, and I saw you won an Oscar for Syriana. I've stolen two Oscars from top documentary film-makers and successfully captured the kids from The Blair Witch Project.
(George runs off crying)
Katie: Uh, Brad! Why don't you tell Jack about all your kids? He absolutely adores Will and Elizabeth's son Will Jr.
Brad: Ok. Well, I think only one of them is mine, but maybe two are. [this is not a technical joke. I really don't know where Angelina and Brad's 4th kid came from. I don't think I've ever even seen it] They're all from around the world.
Jack: Oh! Will Jr. was conceived on my friends' wedding day when they were about to be separated for 10 years. Half our fans think it's a love story for the ages and half think it's just God-awful, but either way, it gets a lot of talk.
(Brad walks away pissed. Katie's starting to get riled up)
Katie: You know, Jack. At least I don't date anorexic minors.
Jack: The Olsen twins, or (makes quotation signals) "the Olsens," as they now like to be called, are 21 now, and they drink their weight in fuzzy navels. At least I don't date guys with caps.
Katie: I'm handling this, Matt. (hands him a quarter) Here, go get yourself one of those shiny coin things with the alligator on them.
(Matt laughs and frolics away)
Katie: At least I don't date anyone who's been to rehab, or more appropriately, summer camp.
Jack: At least I don't date...you know, all I said was that I like your pluck.
(Katie stops, speechless)
Katie: Do you want to take me to see the penguins?
(Jack grins and they walk out together)
So things are looking up, Kate, but are they squared away? It's up to you.
Will and Liz are in bed together. Will is wearing reading glasses and perusing "Captain's Quarterly", Elizabeth is reading "Raising your slightly-above-average child".
Elizabeth: Do you think Will Junior will have long term psychological problems associated with your 10 year absence?
Will: Hey, I wrote him letters, sent him presents...
Elizabeth: Undead pets?
Will: We did video conferencing at least once a year!
Elizabeth: I know you tried very hard. But there's something in a kid that needs his dad at that age. I just hope he isn't bitter about it later in life.
Will: Like I was?
Elizabeth: Well, I wasn't going to say it...
Will: Well, I may have been bitter, but I came out okay. Survived a curse, married my adolescent sweetheart, and have a wonderful son now.
Elizabeth: And, I guess Jack was there for him. Maybe I should be more worried about Jack than Will Junior. You coming back really changed his role in our family...
Will: I'm sure Jack is fine. Probably relishing the freedom.
CUT TO... Jack and Katie in bed together. Katie is dressed to kill in a slinky negligee. Jack seems preoccupied.
Jack: It's just hard. I know it's not my kid, but I feel such a strong sense of ownership. I mean, if it weren't for me, Lizzie and the kid wouldn't have survived 2 weeks without Will.
Katie: (yawning) I'm sure.
Jack: And now what am I supposed to do? Pick back up with my nomadic lifestyle like nothing ever happened?
Katie: I suppose.
Jack: Are you even listening?
Katie: I spent half an hour shaving my legs and curling my hair. I bought the skankiest nightie in Target. No, I'm not listening to your sappy story. I'm waiting for you to notice you've got a pretty hot lady in your bed, and now isn't the time for therapy.
Jack: Oh my gosh! I have serious problems! Here I have Kate Beckinsale in a skanky nightie in my bed, and I'm whining about family problems that aren't even mine...
Katie: (playing with his dredlocks) It's okay. I forgive you.
Jack: Hey... you know what might be fun? Let's go up on deck and play "chain each other to the mast"!
Katie: I've got a better idea. Why don't we take over the first ship that sails by and force them to play "truth or dare" with us!
Jack: Gibbs hates when we do that.
Katie: (groaning) We can't agree on anything!
Jack: Alright. We'll see who can drink the most rum without passing out, and whoever wins gets to decide what we do.
An hour later. Will and Liz are sleeping. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. They both sit up groggily.
Liz: Who could that be?
Will: I don't know.
Will grabs his sword and runs downstairs. He opens the door to find an extremely drunk Jack and Katie.
Jack: (slurring) William Turner... fancy that!
Katie: I thought we were going to see Barbossa...
Jack: (giggling) must have gotten lost...
Will: Jack, do you mind? It's 2 in the morning.
Jack: I remember you being more fun...
Liz comes down wearing a bathrobe.
Liz: Jack! Katie? What the hell are you two up to?
Jack: (grinning) No... that's the one I remember being more fun.
Katie: We're on a mission.
Will: I see. To fall off the dock and drown, I presume?
Jack: We're off to steal Barbossa's underwear... and freeze them!
Katie: Want to come along?
Will: Absolutely not! It's a school night. Will Junior has to be up at 7.
Jack: Righto. Forgot you two got boring. Night then!
Jack and Katie stumble away. Will shuts the door.
Will: I swear. That man. (yawns) Goodnight.
Liz: I'll be up in a minute.
Will wanders back upstairs. Elizabeth follows him to the stairs, then turns around and sneaks back out the door...
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
(Will searches the upstairs)
Will: Elizabeth? Elizabeth?
(remembers the conversation had earlier)
(he marches into the closet and gets out his prized posession, a paintball gun named Michelle. He goes into Junior's room)
Junior: Daddy? What's going on?
Will: Son, it's time we had a bonding moment frought with mischief.
Junior: Ooh! (jumps out of bed)
(they go to the window. Elizabeth, Jack, and Katie have a pair of boxers with the South Park kids on them. They're laughing about what they did)
Will: Okay, little Will. You get to hold Michelle. Grip her carefully, that's it.
(Junior's finger is dangerously close to the trigger)
Junior: Should I target Mommy first?
Will: (thinks) Yes, yes, target Mommy first.
(Back down on the street)
Elizabeth: I say, we tie these to a stick and march in a parade with it. I'll wave it around like a flag, Katie will play the drums, and Jack will play a fife and it will be like Independence Day...in late November!
Jack: No, no, no, I say, we send it to Ted and Terry and say in the return address that it's from Gore!
Katie: Let's roll them around in dog crap and light them on fire outside his house!
Jack: I am liking you more and more.
(Back at the Turner house)
Will: Ready, aim...
(Back on the street)
(Elizabeth is taken down in a slew of green paint)
Katie: Are you all right?
Jack: Lizzie, what happened?
Elizabeth: I, I don't know, but I'm all green!
(Will and Junior high-5 and start shooting at Jack)
Jack: (starts to lift Elizabeth) Okay, there's nothing Katie and I can't lift together. We'll...(gets hit) Ow! Ow! It hurts like something that really hurts!
Katie: (dramatically) NOOOOO! Jack! Dearest Jack! Speak to me! (bends over him and holds his head in her lap)
(Suddenly, Katie gets hit too and it knocks her down so she's laying next to Jack)
Jack: If you edge closer, our bodies making love out here would look like Swamp Thing.
Katie: Timing, dear, timing.
Elizabeth: Where is this stuff coming from?
Junior: Hi, Mommy!
Will: Shh! (covers Junior's mouth)
Will: (to Junior) Now, our story is going to be that Mommy had too much to drink, okay?
Elizabeth: Will? You have a paintball gun and didn't tell me?! (runs into the house. We can see them chasing each other throughout the house)
Katie: (to Jack) Has anyone ever told you you have weird friends?
Jack: I think the real issue is that you're laying on Barbossa's underwear.
Katie: Aaaauuuggghh! (jumps into Jack's arms) You know what we could do with it...
Jack: (getting turned on) Do tell.
Katie: (enjoying seducing him) We can hang onto it, in an air-tight container of course, and when Barbossa comes around looking for it, we can throw them in his own face.