Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
Where's everyone been? Surely, a lot has been going on since the "paintball incident."
(Will and Elizabeth are out at a fancy restaurant looking like they are dreading something. They are sitting next to each other in a booth, the one across from them empty)
Will: So...why again did you just call up James out of the blue?
Elizabeth: I know, it was stupid. We were just talking that we haven't seen him for a while and with Jack taking Katie out to Vermont for apple picking...which I think is code for something else...we needed a couple to hang out with.
Will: Elizabeth, we could have come here ourselves.
Elizabeth: No! No, we couldn't have. This is the most expensive restaurant in town and we need James to be here so you can do the "well I have to go to the bathroom" trick to get out of picking up the check. (pauses) You're right. Next time we go out, it will be just us and we'll go to the Olive Garden.
Will: Oh! The never ending pasta bowl is back!
(Just as they begin to chit chat, James and Sailor, dolled up in a very revealing outfit, saunter up)
James: Will! Elizabeth! It's been too long. You guys remember Sailor. (whispers to them) She's my groupie.
Sailor: This is a pleasure! I know all about your adventures and Will, I ordered your book off of amazon and the dvd is far above my expectations minus a commentary.
Will: There's no commentary on the dvd?
Elizabeth: Two whole discs and no commentary?
Sailor: That's what me and my friends have been discussing...when I'm not too busy with Jamiewigs here. (they Eskimo kiss)
Elizabeth: That so, Jamiewigs?
James: Ahem, (becoming very stiff and formal) Sailor, my dear, to whom are you addressing such a ridiculous pet name?
Sailor: Oh! Shhh, I'll play along.
James: Right...so, how is you two's son?
Will: Junior is doing fantastic! Smart as a whip, loves to play, well behaved.
Elizabeth: Now knows how to hotwire a car. We practised on Ted Elliot's Bentley.
Will: Plus the way he can wield Michelle tells us he's going to be quite the unstoppable force.
Sailor: He sounds so great! Oh, I can't wait till we have kids.
James: Hold on to that thought. (he leers at her when the waitress pops up. He's not looking at the waitress.) Oh, uh, scotch on the rocks my good man.
Tina: A good man wouldn't spit in your appetizer, sir.
James: (seeing it's a woman waiting on them) Oh! My apologies. I was lost in my lover's eyes.
Elizabeth: So, Sailor, I here you draw quite a bit. I saw some scans of your POTC4 characters. Very pretty.
Sailor: Oh thank you. It's a hobby that I hope will turn into more.
James: She's just so talented! (gushes praise)
(Will and Elizabeth give each other a "how soon will this be over look.")
About an hour later,
James: And then, Sailor says to Barbossa, "Well, we have a ship for you too. We call it tiabossa." And guess who that's supposed to be?
Will: Let me guess: Tia and Barbossa?
James: Tia and Barbossa! (slaps his knee) She's a riot this one! (kisses her)
Elizabeth: (whispers to Will) We are never going out with a couple still in puppy love ever again.
Will: Here here.
Will: Here, here...is where I gave Junior the Heimlich Maneuver once.
Sailor: So where is Jack? A lot of girls I know were hoping I'd be able to get a picture with him.
Elizabeth: Jack is out of town for the weekend.
James: With Kate Beckinsale, I've heard. I'm sure an A-list celebrity like her will keep him out of trouble.
(Will and Elizabeth exchange another look)
James: Do you hang out with Jack much?
Will: Oh...(shakes head) No, not so much anymore. We're married and have our son to raise and we both work quite heavily...
Elizabeth: Not to mention the lawsuit's now over and we have Gibbs and Barbossa if Junior needs a sitter...(bites her lip nervously)
Sailor: You know who you guys would really like? Ariel and Eric. She used to be a mermaid. They're quite the power couple.
James: Delightful. She's so charming and he's quite the knowledgable sailor himself. We had tons to talk about.
Elizabeth: You'll have to introduce us sometime.
(Will sees the check is about to come)
Will: Well, I have to go drain the lizard. Excuse me, please.
(The waitress puts the check on the table)
James: Well, I guess I'll pick it up.
Elizabeth: (playing along) Oh no, you don't have to do that.
James: I insist. It's not every day Sailor and I get to meet up with old friends and catch up on old times. Sailor, my love, did you know Will and I once sword fought on a wheel?
Sailor: I've replayed that scene again and again and again.
Elizabeth: On the dvd?
Sailor: (gazing at James) And in my dreams.
Will: So, I guess it's about time for the check wouldn't you say?
Sailor: We're paying tonight, Will.
Will: Oh! How generous! It's so nice to get to see you again, James, and Sailor, you are a delight. (he and Elizabeth rise to leave)
James: (also rising and putting Sailor's coat on her) We were wondering, if it's not too late for you two, if you'd like to come to the club with us. Sailor has introduced me to the world of clubbing and it is so amazing.
Elizabeth: Well, it is a little late for us and, and...
Will: (blurts) Elizabeth and I spend our nights trying to make another baby.
Sailor (squeals) Oh! That's so exciting!!! I'll have to tell everyone!!! You'll have to come to the forum so we can give you a shower!
James: I hope it all works out. (kisses Elizabeth on the cheek and shakes Will's hand) Night!
(Will and Elizabeth walking one way)
Elizabeth: Were you serious?
Will: Well, it was just to get away, but the more I think about it... do you want to?
Elizabeth: (seeming eager) Do you want to?
Will: I'll drive us home quickly.
Elizabeth: Will. (waits for him to look at her) You don't have to take the car directly home, you know...
(Will gets what's she's saying and grins)
(James and Sailor walk another way)
James: Do you buy that they want another baby?
Sailor: I'm not sure. Besides, I know something you don't know.
James: What's that?
Sailor: They said they didn't hang out with Jack anymore, but did you see their husband/wife pins?
James: Oh, those little cheesy buttons they have pinned on that say, "My son is an Honors Pirate"?
Sailor: The fine print at the bottom says, "Happy Anniversary, Jack."
James: Those cads! They lie to our faces! And Jack gets them cheap buttons for their anniversary?
(Far off in a distant Vermont apple orchard)
Jack: (picking apples off a tree with Katie) Bugger.
Katie: What's wrong?
Jack: I got the sudden feeling I should have gotten Will and Lizzie more than those cheap buttons for their anniversary.
Katie: Is everything all right?
Jack: Everything's fine. Just got a sudden shiver.
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
And so the couples are in for the night...
Will and Liz
(Will is driving them home. Their hair is messy and some of their clothing is askew. They both look tired and satisfied)
Elizabeth: Sure beats dirty beach sex.
Will: Aw, you paid attention to that after-school special! I love you.
Elizabeth: I love you too. Will, how far out did you take us for that secluded spot?
Will: Oh um, (searches for road signs) I'm not sure...
Elizabeth: Poor Junior! He'll be expecting us and Gibbs wasn't planning on spending the night, I'm sure.
Will: He probably won't mind. Ah, it says welcome to Vermont. We could stay the night and drive back tomorrow. [note: I don't really care where you guys imagine our heroes living. This is a magical universe and they're able to drive to Vermont. Ok?]
Elizabeth: And in a week or two, I can be a First Response to see if we have another little pirate on the way!
(Jack and Katie burst through the door to their hotel room, still making out. The slam the door behind them and topple onto the bed. Things are getting really hot really fast.)
(James and Sailor coming back from a club)
Sailor: Who would have thought Vermont would have such an active night life?
James: (drunk) I know! I was just telling that to my good friend Shemp back there.
Sailor: The bouncer's name was Shemp?
James: I...I don't know. You're really cute.
Sailor: Okay, James. Let's get you settled for the night. We'll sleep it off.
James: (snorts) Ha, sleep.
(Back to Will and Liz)
Elizabeth: Discount Donna's Bed and Breakfast. What about there? Comes with room and board!
Will: I like board. Ok.
(they pull into the bed and breakfast)
(Cut to Katie and Jack, half-naked with Barry White playing)
Katie: This weekend is going so perfectly, Jack. Nothing refreshed the body and spirit more than apple picking. (undoing his pants)
Jack: (starts kissing her neck) Unless it's a horse and buggy ride tomorrow.
(Katie squeals and pounces on him. They kiss each other breathlessly as Jack starts sliding her top off)
(Cut to James and Sailor)
Sailor: Discount Donna's Bed and Breakfast. Comes with room and board.
James: (getting angry) I told you, I don't care what board is. It's room that would win in a fight. (trips over own feet)
Sailor: I know, sweetie, I know.
James: Sailor, you're so cool.
Sailor: Thanks, James. (to the clerk we're all going to presume is Donna) Two for the night please.
(Cut to Will and Elizabeth making their way upstairs to their room)
Will: Do you think she could tell we just had car sex?
Elizabeth: Well, I smell like pine and you smell like pine and the car smells like pine.
Will: I figured. Is there money in the checkbook to raid the mini bar?
Elizabeth: Ooh, maybe not raid, but remember I'm trying to get a bun in the oven.
Will: Ah. Oh! I hope it has one of those little refrigerators that opens with a key. Then we can splurge on Snickers. (sticks key in door)
Elizabeth: Are you sure this is our room?
(Inside, Katie and Jack are just about to get things going)
Katie: Is that knocking at our door?
Jack: Just ignore it.
Katie: Jack, Jack, someone's trying to break in!
Jack: (readies his pistol) Not on my watch.
(Outside their room)
Sailor: Will? Elizabeth?
Will: Sailor? James?
James: Doug? Carrie?
Sailor: That's The King of Queens, dear.
James: Oh! It's Will and Elizabeth! We should go to dinner sometime!
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
We last left all our couples staring at each other with confused faces.
Elizabeth: We, um, this was part of our night out. James, Sailor, we didn't tell you because...
Elizabeth: I think I'll leave something to the imagination.
Sailor: Oh! Well don't mind us. I was just taking James to Room 9 to sleep it off.
Jack: Ha, still a raging drunk.
(Everyone looks at him)
Will: Wait, this isn't room 5.
Jack: No, mate, it's room 7 and it looks like Katie and I are in a nerdy couple sandwich, so if you'll excuse us.
Katie: We should all do something together tomorrow. Who's up for brunch?
James: Did she just mention food? (turns green)
Sailor: No, baby, no. She wanted to know if we liked a good punch, like in the face. I said no.
James: That's my girl. (arm wavers all over the place before gathering her in)
Elizabeth: Yes, well, goodnight everyone. Will and I have to backtrack.
Jack: I like that position too!
Will: Goodnight, Jack.
Jack: Goodnight, Will.
Katie: Goodnight, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Goodnight, Katie.
James: Goodnight, Katie.
Katie: Goodnight, Sailor.
Sailor: Goodnight, Jack.
Jack: Goodnight, Lizzie.
Voice (from room across hall): Goodnight, John-Boy.
(Will and Elizabeth unlock their correct door and go in)
Will: Of all the bed and breakfasts in all the towns in all the world, we walk into theirs.
(strains of "As Time Goes By" plays through the walls)
Will: Are they blaring Casablanca music? (bangs on wall) Jack! Cut it out!
Elizabeth: Shh! I'm going to use this telephone thing to call Gibbs. He's probably worried. (picks up and speaks into receiver without dialing) Gibbs? Hello? I've seen this on tv, I should know how it works. G-I-B-B-S.
Operator: Who are you trying to reach, miss?
Elizabeth: Misses, thank you, and I'm trying to reach Joshamee Gibbs at (looks at camera, decides to whisper home address)
Elizabeth: Hello? Gibbs? Oh thank goodness I got in touch with you! We're in Vermont and will be back tomorrow evening. Do you mind staying the night with Junior? Oh, okay. Put him on. (tone changes) Hi, Will! Are you being good? (blushes) You're getting a little old for that. All right. (clears throat and sings) "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me."
Will: I want to talk to him! (Elizabeth hands him the phone) Hey, you! No, Mum and I are fully clothed. Oh, you are too, well I guess that's good. (gives Elizabeth a puzzled look) All right, well sleep well and we'll see you soon. (hangs up)
CUT TO Jack and Katie's room.
Katie: Jack! Look what I found. (holds up the bed and breakfast's stationary) A much better anniversary gift than those buttons you were worried about earlier.
Jack: That does look rather dashing. (comes up behind her and takes her by the waist. They start to kiss. Fade to black)
CUT TO James and Sailor
Sailor: Strange running into them.
(James is passed out, spread eagle on the bed)
Sailor: Exactly what I was thinking. (curls up next to him and turns off the light)
All is calm, for now. Brunch may be a different story.