Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
T&T writers form their pot circle
I mean, they didn't even give us willabeth, not really. At least throw us that.
(Ted and Terry sorting through their fan mail)
Terry: Have you found that special package from Gore yet?
Ted: No! How nice. He always knows when our stash is running low. (they share a knowing look)
Terry: Hey, Ted, look at this. What's KMC?
Ted: That's where the crazy fans hang out. We went to some PirateDiva's school and stirred the waters.
Terry: ha ha, stirred the waters. And they're pirate movies.
Ted: I'm the funny one, Terry. Don't pretend. But look what I've found.
(passes note to Terry)
Terry: (skimming and making comments as he goes) What? What the hell's willabeth? Kiss....50 foot women....everyone dies.......no closure with the J/E relationship....that must stand for Juliet and Edward, her cousin written out of the play.
Ted: Are you sure it doesn't stand for Jack and Elizabeth? Our own characters?
Terry: Oh. I was just testing you. (shifty eyes, continues to skim) No one satisfied with third installment, too many plot holes and too little explanations. I guess they're mad?
Ted: They only tolerate AWE from the sounds of it. It's become the Attack of the Clones for our series.
Terry: No! Not that!
Ted: I'm afraid so. I thought it was so good. We gave the audience just a little bit and let them figure out the rest. I mean, it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that the green flash and the smiles on Elizabeth and Junior's faces indicate Will is back for good.
Terry: Well, then this isn't a good time to break it to you that Gore sent us the dvd. They've posted that Will is cursed for eternity.
Ted: Is he?
Terry: I don't know. I was hoping you would.
Ted: What does that mean for Jack?
Terry: We never closed Jack's story hoping POTC4: Jack Strangles Mickey Mouse in a Fit of Drunken Rage would close out his story.
Ted: I don't like that title.
Terry: Me either. But Gore says it's what Michael Eisner wants.
Ted: Hmm, this sounds serious. (calls Gore on his razor phone)
Gore: Gore here, famous director who looks good in shorts.
Ted: Gore?
Gore: Ted? Hey! I sent you guys more pot.
Ted: This is neither the time nor the place, Gore. What the hell is wrong with your company?
Gore: Beg pardon?
Terry: (is put on) You know, "Elizabeth's story has yet to be told" and more subtle hints that even though you've screwed our couple for life, you still don't want to just flat out say she stays a pirate and pillages for a living.
Gore: We wanted to keep things vague. You guys mentioned a sequel even though Orlando and Keira weren't interested.
Ted: Exactly! They aren't interested! The next installment is Jack's story!
Gore: Jack? Oh that guy. Second banana to the monkey. ha ha, monkey. Wait, didn't one of you want to pair him off with Elizabeth?
Ted: We toyed with the idea, yes, and decided on...I hate to use this....willabeth. But you took our Odyssey-esque ending and made it awful! What gives?
Gore: Hold on. Let's not fight. You guys nowhere in your bombastic attempt at a series finale said that after 10 years Will was free. We just assumed and answered the questions as such.
Terry: Nowhere in the movie? Are you kidding? It's everywhere! Davy Jones and Tia have a whole scene about it.
Gore: Oh, I thought you left that scene in as a character piece, not to actually explain anything. No one trusts villains anyway.
Ted: (crawling into fetal position) No way out, no way out...
Terry: Calm down over there. (back to Gore) Look, can't you retract the statement or something?
Gore: No! Now everyone's on the same page. Pissed, but on the same page. The dvd is selling faster than Scarlett and Giselle on a day when the navy and the pirates come to port, so you shouldn't be complaining. Johnny's happy, Keira's happy, Orli's happy.
Ted: Tell that to Jack, Jonathan, Tom, uh, Chow...who am I leaving out?
Terry: Technically, Bill.
Ted: Bill
Terry: the kraken puppeteers.
Ted: The kraken puppeteers. You killed them all! And yet you spared Stellan. Stellan? The starfish bastard who left his son? You're lucky Keith isn't on your ass.
Gore: Okay, here is what we'll do. We leave the dvd as is and whenever someone asks you about it, just beat around the bush and shove pictures of Jack Sparrow into their horny faces. Sound good?
Terry: Yeah.
Ted: Yeah.
Gore: Good. Now open my stash I sent you so I can come over and have a circle moment. I invited Johnny.
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
Ah, the circle. Ted, Terry, Johnny, and Gore
(Gore and Johnny have arrived. Johnny is being classy and has brought a wine basket. It cuts to a That 70s Show stoner circle)
Johnny: So, let me get this straight, the fans don't like AWE? We had a blast!
Gore: Dude, when you talk, it sounds like Sweeny Todd singing.
Johnny: I mean, Tom is a freakin' riot and Kevin with a teddy bear? That's Oscar worthy stuff. Damn Hollywood and its high standard!
Terry: I'm a trained writer! It's not like I sit in a room and stare at my hand all day.
Ted: That was a fun day we did that, though.
Terry: (stares at his hand and speaks slowly and deliberately) Will...should stab the heart and be captain of the Flying Dutchman.
Johnny: We already filmed that...we should remake AWE! Ridley Scott...or is it Tony Scott...one of them remade Bladerunner and everyone loves the remake.
Gore: Remakes goes against everything Disney stands for.
Ted: Disney. Sounds like a gourmet spaghetti sauce. Anyone want some meatballs?
Terry: If we remake AWE, we have to rehire Keira, rehire Orli...
Johnny: Let's call him Lando.
Terry: Too much Star Wars comparisons. Much? Many? Hmm. But we have to rehire everyone, go back to Singapore, talk to Jonathan again.
Gore: Yeah.....Jonathan's pretty pissed at everyone right now. He egged my house.
Johnny: How's he know where you live?
Gore: Wait...that wasn't my house that was egged...what the hell am I talking about?
Terry: (now staring at his hand) And Elizabeth should have a child and we'll call it Will Junior because Theodore is the name of a Chipmunk.
Johnny: I was asked to be in Alvin and the Chipmunks, but I was working with Tim and Helena. I wonder if that will hurt me later...
Ted: Don't the fans like seeing Davy as a human? Or, or seeing Barbossa come back? Or when Jack finally got the Pearl back and fired his one shot that he'd been saving for 10 years?
Gore: More 10 year crap. That's what started this whole mess.
Terry: Ted, you're talking about the wrong movie. You're describing Shrek.
Gore: (singing) Somebody once told me/the world is gonna rule me...
Johnny: (starting to become an affectionate, loud stoner) Man, Lily was watching Shrek for the first time and she called Donkey a horse. If she had been in AWE, everyone would have loved it, man! Lily the pirate. Ha ha, she still wets herself.
Terry: Yep, big Keith Richards cameo...cut to little girl wetting herself. Fans would have gone crazy for it. "That's Johnny Depp's daughter. Aw, how cute." You're the problem with AWE, Johnny!
Ted: I take offense to that, sir! (takes off his glove and slaps him with it)
Terry: You, you, you swagger around in your Oscar-nominated performance and steal all the fans' hearts and you didn't adlib one damn kiss with Keira. Not one! That's all they wanted.
Ted: I can't kiss Keira because she's too young and I'm married! (tearing up) She also eats a lot of peanuts and I'm allergic! If her tongue still had peanut residue on it, and she kissed me with it, I'd swell up and pop.
Gore: Dude, maybe we shouldn't talk about Keira's tongue.
Johnny: She doesn't really use her tongue much. Oh, you said stop.
Gore: Dudes, I want to talk about Naomie's tongue. There was a hottie that didn't get to kiss anyone. Am I right? Am I right? Nah, none of you care.
Ted: Naomie...50 foot naked hotness. How could the fans not like that? She was naked?
Terry: Because no guy wants to be able to...uh, "commit" to her fully, if ya know what I mean.
Gore: No.
Johnny: No.
Ted: No.
Terry: Okay, picture this-- things are getting hot and heavy with your 50 foot woman and let's just say you'd have to put the condom over all of you.
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
T&T invite Johnny and a newcomer to the circle.
Johnny: So...I was thinking...what if all this pirate stuff is reality? I mean, what if, either in this world or another one, I actually am Jack Sparrow? Cooool.
Ted: Never would happen, man. You got better teeth.
Terry: Not to mention you're syphilis-free!
(Keira's first time in the circle)
Keira: (HYSTERICAL laughing) That is so hilarious! Oh my gosh! (to Johnny) If you had syphilis...ha ha ha ha ha ha, what was I talking about?
Terry: I don't think I've ever seen eyes that bloodshot.
Johnny: Whow, it's like...bloodshot.
Ted: Hee hee, Keira, say some of your lines. Let's rehearse your AWE speech. Go!
Keira: (gives blank look) Uh......"they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom!" Yep. ha ha.
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
Johnny, Gore, Keira, and Orlando in the circle...wrapping up filming of AWE
Orlando: (teary-eyed) Gentlemen, and Gore, let us raise a glass, well, joint, of mirth and stuff in celebration of... (starts laughing)
(Keira is laughing hysterically.)
Johnny: Anyone know where Chow is?
CUT TO...Chow Yun Fat/Yun Fat Chow trying to cross the street. He is high, but not in the circle.
Chow: Okay, you've played Frogger plenty of times to know how to do this.
(He takes a step into traffic. A car honks at him. He steps back.)
Chow: I'm so confused!
CUT TO...the circle
Gore: So, even though T&T will tell you different, it was me that decided the Marty character should have the biggest gun. You know, cuz he's a midget.
Johnny: (becoming violent) What did you call me? I may be short, but I am a dignified human being! (stands up) Whow. When I stand up, you're the shorter one. (becoming affectionate again and singing the theme to Different Strokes.)
Keira: (singing) Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me. (spoken) Where have I heard that song?
Orlando: We've all heard that song a thousand times. Every single fan who comes up to us wants us to sing it. (lifts up his joint) Let us raise a joint to the brave fans of POTC, who by their merit and fandom have given us lots of fans. (smokes up)
Gore: Man, we have to get Tom Hollander on this. Talk about midgets. (snorts laughter)
(None of it is offense to you. It is on the imaginary characters }:])
- - - - - - - - -
...
Johnny: (starting to become an affectionate, loud stoner) Man, Lily was watching Shrek for the first time and she called Donkey a horse. If she had been in AWE, everyone would have loved it, man! Lily the pirate. Ha ha, she still wets herself.
Terry: Yep, big Keith Richards cameo...cut to little girl wetting herself. Fans would have gone crazy for it. "That's Johnny Depp's daughter. Aw, how cute." You're the problem with AWE, Johnny!
Ted: I take offense to that, sir! (takes off his glove and slaps him with it)
Terry: You, you, you swagger around in your Oscar-nominated performance and steal all the fans' hearts and you didn't adlib one damn kiss with Keira. Not one! That's all they wanted.
Ted: I can't kiss Keira because she's too young and I'm married! (tearing up) She also eats a lot of peanuts and I'm allergic! If her tongue still had peanut residue on it, and she kissed me with it, I'd swell up and pop.
Gore: Dude, maybe we shouldn't talk about Keira's tongue.
Johnny: She doesn't really use her tongue much. Oh, you said stop.
...
- - - - - - - - -
hmph
- - - - - - - - -
...
Terry: I don't think I've ever seen eyes that bloodshot.
Johnny: Whow, it's like...bloodshot.
Ted: Hee hee, Keira, say some of your lines. Let's rehearse your AWE speech. Go!
Keira: (gives blank look) Uh......"they may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom!" Yep. ha ha.
- - - - - - - - -
Yea, * is just s***. So..
- - - - - - - - -
...
Johnny: Anyone know where Chow is?
CUT TO...Chow Yun Fat/Yun Fat Chow trying to cross the street. He is high, but not in the circle.
Chow: Okay, you've played Frogger plenty of times to know how to do this.
(He takes a step into traffic. A car honks at him. He steps back.)
Chow: I'm so confused!
CUT TO...the circle
Gore: So, even though T&T will tell you different, it was me that decided the Marty character should have the biggest gun. You know, cuz he's a midget.
Johnny: (becoming violent) What did you call me? I may be short, but I am a dignified human being! (stands up) Whow. When I stand up, you're the shorter one. (becoming affectionate again and singing the theme to Different Strokes.)
Keira: (singing) Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me. (spoken) Where have I heard that song?
Orlando: We've all heard that song a thousand times. Every single fan who comes up to us wants us to sing it. (lifts up his joint) Let us raise a joint to the brave fans of POTC, who by their merit and fandom have given us lots of fans. (smokes up)
Gore: Man, we have to get Tom Hollander on this. Talk about midgets. (snorts laughter)
- - - - - - - - -
The part on Chow is so funny.. I like left to another world on that. I have ad libbed on crossing the street (chickens) for hours at a time.
hmph
I feel there are no people in the world.. Now I do.. hmph
- - - - - - - - -
Johnny: What did you say about her?
Person: I said, "What do you mean she still wets?"
Johnny:
- - - - - - - - -
Person: You want your daughter to be in PotC?
Johnny:
[Anyway..]
- - - - - - - - -
Ted: What will we do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Terry: Calm down, calm down. Let me get some.. Raman Noodles-
Gore: I'll make some popcorn.
Johnny:
- - - - - - - - -
Keira: So, what's the next film going to be?
Johnny: : )
Ted: It's going to be..
Terry: A love theme.
Orlando: Where do I come in?
Keira: Will I get to kiss him?
Johnny: : )
Orlando: rolleyes
Ted: Maybe-
Terry: May be a French kiss.
Orlando: lol
Keira: I quit!
Orlando: Me, too!
[Still trying to guess the tense.]
- - - - - - - - -
[Some bar parking lot.]
Keira: So..
Orlando: You wanna go bowling?
Keira: Ok..
Bowling Kid 1: lol (What a DORK!)
Me: [sagging in fat] Strike.!.
Bowling Kid 2: [Pulls out its McDonald's.]
Old Lady 1: Hmm.. [Bowls like no one's there.]
Girl My Age 1:
Girl My Age 2:
Guys My Age:
- - - - - - - - -
[Girls partying in college.]
[I go back home and decide to be an actress and am on KMC and get my brain back.]
- - - - - - - - -
Amanda Bynes: AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- - - - - - - - -
Me: So, you think you have a problem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gore: Woot! We should put YOU in the movie. We'll just put you in the role of (flips through script) Who's Jack?
Ted: Davenport! What a champ! Promised him top billing in this one, too. That was a hoot.
Jerry: Heh heh, Jack Davenport IS Rocky Balboa.
Gore: Heh heh, Jack Davenport IS Michael Clayton.
Terry: Heh heh heh, is.
Jerry: Okay, sober up, guys. Be cool. (starts laughing) You're telling me, I'm producing a movie that has Keira Knightley but no boobs, has monsters, but no kraken, and Barbossa, but no murderous rage?
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
T&T struggle to write a particular scene in AWE. Orlando and Tom come to help out.
Ted: What should Beckett, Will, and Davy Jones be doing? Doing. Why is doing spelled the same as boing, but boing is a fun little sound? Boing. Boing. Boing.
Terry: What about chewing gum?
Orlando: What ABOUT chewing gum?
Terry: They could chew gum and boing! Damn, Ted, now you got me doin' it!
Tom: Man, have you ever had Earl Grey tea? That stuff is like...crack, man. You have one sip of Earl Grey tea, pinch of honey, pinch of sugar, pinch? Or is it dash? Anyways, man, Earl Grey tea is what I should drink in like, every scene.
Orlando: Tell me more about this tea.
Tom: The government doesn't want you to know about it. Because it's so addictive.
Terry: Yeah the British Civil Liberties Union will be on us like barnacles are on the Flying Dutchman. (eyes go wide) We should record everything we say! That was freakin' clever.
Ted: (runs to the tape recorder but trips over the footstool. He recovers.) Okay, repeat it.
Terry: Barnacle Dave tried to sell me a used car.
Tom: Genius!
Orlando: So we drink tea. I like it. Will Turner with his cup of tea: a force to be reckoned with.
POT FANTASY SEQUENCE
(Will is sword fighting Davy Jones. Just about to be pushed over the edge of the ship, he takes off and flies. He prepares his sword to go straight into Davy Jones and soars forward. Behind him are Star Wars TIE fighters. He out-maneuvers them.)
KMC Community Forums
Mar 5th, 2008 02:45 PM
Re: T&T writers form their pot circle
Strike.!.
)
['Slams' down a script..]
... 
]
