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Col. Valerian
Republic Navy
 Gender: Male
Location: Middle of Nowhere |
The Jedi's Deadliest Foes
(Sorry about the name, I know it sucks. I'll change it later.)
Alright... I have never done this before, so... any ideas, suggestions, or contructive criticism are welcomed.
It's not finished yet, it's actually a long way to go. I'll post what I have written so far.
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Mar 20th, 2008 04:58 AM |
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Col. Valerian
Republic Navy
Gender: Male
Location: Middle of Nowhere |
It’s 18,000 years before the rise of the Galactic Empire…
And the Galaxy Has Different heroes…
And Different Enemies.
CHAPTER 1
A FRIEND CAPTURED
Devar was in the Jedi Academy in Keshtar. He had just woken up, and his room was as tidy as ever. His long, sand-blond hair was messy, because he moved around the bed during his deep sleep. He was a tall, strong, muscular, young man. He had very bright brown eyes, which fitted perfectly with his handsome features.
The window was open, and he could feel fresh air flowing from a short distance, just beside his bed. His room wasn’t very big, but it was good enough. It was sophisticated, with silvery-blue walls and a small brown door ten feet away from his bed, which was behind a red table.
It was a quiet feeling of comfort for him to wake up with energy, feeling fully restored after that restless mission from the day before… it had not been an easy one at all.
He used the Force to pull the nearby fresh fruit at the table towards him, and then tasted the sweet flavour of its delicious inner juice. Devar, as many masters know, is an extremely talented Force-user. He is one of the strongest apprentices in the temple, quite possibly the best one. The other apprentices know this as well, and therefore he is respected and admired among his comrades.
“It was about time for you to wake up.” said a man in a soft voice coming from the door. He was in his early 50’s, tall and also thin, though somehow he looked quite strong. He had very long, silver hair, which was tied up in a decent-looking ponytail. He was wearing loose, brown robes carved with grey Jedi symbols. His big, violet eyes, shone intensely within the sunrays coming from the open window.
“Master Verlum.” Devar greeted.
“Good morning, Dev. I have come to tell you something important.” said Verlum.
“I have the feeling I know what this is about.” said Dev sounding disappointed.
He had always disagreed with the masters about forming the so called ‘Jedi Council’. It didn’t seem right for him to split the Jedi even more. For him, simple Jedi Masters were good enough to maintain order between the Jedi.
“The Council will now be the unquestionable law in the Jedi Order. No mission will be taken without their permission, and absolutely nothing will be hidden from them. When Jedi are in need of wisdom, requests, advice, or anything else, the Council will be their guide. I assure you that we have chosen the wisest and most experienced masters to guide us.”
“Yes, I have no doubt about that… Oh, well. What other choice do I have?” said Dev, trying to sound less disappointed than before.
“It’s good you understand. Now, I have other matters to discuss with you.”
“Very well, master.”
I'll post the rest later.
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Mar 20th, 2008 05:05 AM |
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Col. Valerian
Republic Navy
Gender: Male
Location: Middle of Nowhere |
Okay...
Master Verlum had already told the workers in the hangars that Dev would be going, because when he got there his ship, the Crimson Eagle, was more than ready for his departure. He tried not to feel nervous, but he couldn’t help it.
He had never encountered a Fallen Jedi on a mission before and really did not expect to, until now.
Apprentices were not commonly sent to missions which involved Fallen Jedi. Fallen Jedi are a huge group of corrupt ex-Jedi who have deviated from the path of peace and justice. They care for nothing but themselves and are possessed by an infinite hunger for power and destruction… they are possessed by the Dark Side of the Force.
The Crimson Eagle approached Carstant slowly. Dev landed in an abandoned spaceport which was a mere hour away from the mountains.
From above the space Carstant could be clearly seen as mainly brownish, though some small parts looked green. It was a rocky planet, full of massive canyons surrounded by huge mountains, small lakes and isolated, very dense forests.
In the moment Dev touched Carstant’s surface, he felt the power of the Dark Side flow through the air. He shivered. The undeniable power Dev felt was produced by them, there was nothing else in the planet that could have produced such a powerful sensation.
The spaceport was completely destroyed, and the surroundings suggested the destruction was caused by a long-forgotten battle. The walls held the scars of blaster fire along with black marks probably provoked by some sort of detonations. It was obviously deserted. Mountains surrounded the spaceport, and Dev knew somewhere inside them the Fallen Jedi were holding his friend captive. He felt it. Besides, nobody would want to camp or to build any sort of base inside the canyons. The ground was rough and hard, surrounded by nothing but sharp stones and indestructible granite walls. Bestial creatures from the nearby caves always hunted at night, shrouded by total darkness. Dev started to walk towards the mountains with caution, always aware of his surroundings. With each kilometer he walked into the mountains he felt the power of the Dark Side growing stronger and stronger. He knew he was approaching their camp… But he also knew they’d be expecting someone.
Dev just couldn't understad why the Fallen Jedi would capture Tark. What was the reason behind it all? He thought hard, but couldn’t find an answer. Obviously this is a trap, but what kind of trap…?
After two long days of searching through the mountains, he found their base. It was just about three hundred meters to the north. He immediately noticed there were no guards at the entrance… But of course, they wouldn’t station any guards if this was a trap now, would they? They want their bait to come straight inside. He started walking towards the entrance of the base, with extreme caution. He could see four tents, but one of them was enormous and he sensed the power was particularly coming from inside that one. He proceeded, trying to spot anything out of the ordinary, but there wasn’t. Then it is as I expected: they will spring the trap once I’m inside their tent.
He entered the tent and immediately noticed his helpless friend: he was tied up in the middle of the place, his head facing downwards and his body placed at an awkward position.
“Tark!” shouted Dev, running towards him.
“G-Go… away… it’s… it’s a trap…”
Dev noticed he was badly wounded. The Fallen Jedi had tortured him. He had scars in the chest and stomach, and his face was pale and bleeding. His arms were also filled with scars, and his back was also bleeding. The Fallen Jedi sure enjoyed torturing their prisoners.
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Mar 20th, 2008 06:48 PM |
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Jedireaper
PSN ID > DarkJedireaper
 Gender: Male
Location: Manchester, UK |
(If it is a trap and people are smart it would be a trap within a trap. Guards would be posted. No guards is too obvious and if he is trained at all he wouldnt just head straight to the source of the 'problem' as it were rather he would search other tents and locations. I'm not being critical or dissing you, I'm just giving you my thoughts. Otherwize. Good story. Can't wait for the next piece. 72%)
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A long time have I waited for this, my little green friend!
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Mar 22nd, 2008 03:44 PM |
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Jedireaper
PSN ID > DarkJedireaper
Gender: Male
Location: Manchester, UK |
(Better that NJO)
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A long time have I waited for this, my little green friend!
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Mar 22nd, 2008 03:48 PM |
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Col. Valerian
Republic Navy
Gender: Male
Location: Middle of Nowhere |
*lol. Yeah, I'll post the next part in some minutes*
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Mar 29th, 2008 03:00 AM |
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Col. Valerian
Republic Navy
Gender: Male
Location: Middle of Nowhere |
Okay, I'll probably change the 'trap part' later. Here's the next part.
“Well, well, what a surprise. Look who’s come to rescue his friend,” said a cold voice coming from behind.
Dev turned around to face his opponent, igniting his blue lightsaber. He saw a tall, strong-looking man dressed in black and red robes. He had a height of at least 6’4. He had long, black hair which fitted with his yellowish-red eyes. His face was pale and had an unusual, inhuman gray colour. So this is how you look when you change sides, huh? He had a long scar coming across his left eye, which made him look intimidating.
“There is no need to ignite your weapon, Magnus. I’m not here to fight you. Capturing your fellow Jedi was the best way to draw your attention.”
“Why should I believe you? And how do you know my name?” demanded Dev.
He laughed loudly.
“If I really wanted to fight you, you’d be dead by now. And don’t be stupid, Magnus, every Fallen Jedi knows your name. After all, you’re the best apprentice in the academy.”
His voice was calm, yet suspicious. Though, Dev sensed he meant what he said before. That he was not going to fight him.
“Explain yourself!” he demanded.
“We wanted to give you and your Jedi friends a warning.”
“So, you couldn’t find another way to get my attention, other than kidnapping a fellow Jedi and torturing him?”
He smiled.
“Well, I’m not going to say I didn’t enjoy it,”
“You are insane…”
“Just shut up and listen, Jedi. We have allied ourselves with someone powerful… powerful enough to—“
“Nobody can defeat the Jedi,” Dev cut in. “Our only potentially dangerous enemies are you, and you know that with the power of our whole Order we can finish you.”
He laughed again, but this time his laugh was cold and evil.
“You are highly underestimating our allies, Magnus. They are extremely powerful… in the ways of the Dark Side!”
Dev was taken aback by this statement. He did not even expect these new foes to be Force-users.
“What?”
“Oh, yes. They come from a different galaxy, you see. And their ultimate goal all along has been to eliminate the Jedi from the face of the galaxy… they were only waiting for the right moment to strike!”
“You’re lying… that can’t be true. How could we have enemies we didn’t even know existed?!”
“They call themselves Sith,” he continued, ignoring Dev’s words. “And they are very similar to us in many ways. They are natural beings of Dark Side energy, they are pure evil… and together, we will crush you!”
“We’ll see about that.” Dev countered firmly.
“Farewell, Magnus. You have been warned… may we meet again.” He said, with an evil smile on his lips, and he Force jumped out of the tent.
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Mar 29th, 2008 05:52 PM |
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Jedireaper
PSN ID > DarkJedireaper
Gender: Male
Location: Manchester, UK |
(Through the roof? Wow... quite a twist there, I didn't expect that... Sith are from another Galaxy?..... anyway I stick to my points, you should make the encounter between Dev and the Dark Jedi a little more suprising, I say this because there is very little suspense... there is no fear from the Jedi... I'll PM an idea to you...  glad your back, read one of my stories sometime and comment opinion and idea-rate it.)
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A long time have I waited for this, my little green friend!
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Mar 30th, 2008 01:13 PM |
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