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Where the pain ends - Bardock's Poetry
Started by: Bardock42

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Victor Von Doom
Latverian Diplomat

Gender: Unspecified
Location: In Rainbows

Where's that one about that day you saw a bird fly across a cloudy sky?



quote: (post)
Originally posted by Deja~vu
I like this one. Pretty good there Bardock. cool


Hahahaha.


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Last edited by Victor Von Doom on Aug 16th, 2008 at 05:39 PM

Old Post Aug 16th, 2008 05:37 PM
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Ya Krunk'd Floo
Moving with the swell.

Gender: Male
Location: West of the Sun.

I want that poem about the girl who left you for the boy with a car. That's one for the ages.


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Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes:
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.

Old Post Aug 17th, 2008 08:45 AM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

I think you guys are thinking about the same one, remember, seeing the bird in the cloudy sky as a sign of hope in such dark times?

But I am too shy to post it...it's not as good as the others.


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Old Post Aug 17th, 2008 08:47 AM
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Ya Krunk'd Floo
Moving with the swell.

Gender: Male
Location: West of the Sun.

Well, the others are magnificent, so I can understand why you would be shy about posting something that isn't as...blah, blah, blah, f*ck me I'm a cabbage.


__________________
Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes:
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.

Old Post Aug 17th, 2008 02:45 PM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Ya Krunk'd Floo
Well, the others are magnificent, so I can understand why you would be shy about posting something that isn't as...blah, blah, blah, f*ck me I'm a cabbage.


How would that work out? I never had human-cabbage sexulationships.


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Old Post Aug 17th, 2008 02:47 PM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

Well, I guess I should post the poem they have been talking about, I mean, if they like it, it must be okay. I just named it now.

The Bird in the Cloud after the End because of a Car

Go, just go
I don't need you
Anymore

Leave me
I know what we
could be

The sky is cloudy, but I feel alright
I see the bird in the pale light
and feel that I can live again
Without you, cause you love Ben


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Old Post Aug 17th, 2008 09:49 PM
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Victor Von Doom
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Gender: Unspecified
Location: In Rainbows

Makes me think of the modern human condition.


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Old Post Aug 18th, 2008 04:22 PM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Victor Von Doom
Makes me think of the modern human condition.


Are you saying I should have submitted it to the contest...nah, would have been unfair, want to give other people a chance.


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Old Post Aug 18th, 2008 06:21 PM
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Ya Krunk'd Floo
Moving with the swell.

Gender: Male
Location: West of the Sun.

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
Well, I guess I should post the poem they have been talking about, I mean, if they like it, it must be okay. I just named it now.

The Bird in the Cloud after the End because of a Car

Go, just go
I don't need you
Anymore

Leave me
I know what we
could be

The sky is cloudy, but I feel alright
I see the bird in the pale light
and feel that I can live again
Without you, cause you love Ben


The name is beautiful, and the poem is lovely; really uplifting at the end there. My only wish is that it mentioned a bit more about the car. When I first heard the poem, the bit about the car made me cry.


__________________
Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes:
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.

Old Post Aug 20th, 2008 08:09 PM
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Robtard
KMC's #1 Rated Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: Captain's Chair, CA

Re: Where the pain ends - Bardock's Poetry

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
Hey, I wrote poetry for a while now, and finally I found the courage to post it. Lots of it is very, very dark and nothing for people that are easily offended. I will first post some of my earlier work.



Didn't bother reading them yet, but I do like the name you choose for the thread, made me think of my favorite children's book, "Where the Sidewalk Ends."

Edit: Read the one above, who's Ben?


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Last edited by Robtard on Aug 22nd, 2008 at 09:01 PM

Old Post Aug 22nd, 2008 08:54 PM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

Ben is "the boy with a car" that the girl left me for, duh.


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Old Post Aug 23rd, 2008 09:58 AM
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Deja~vu
Dreamer

Gender: Female
Location: Michigan

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Victor Von Doom
Where's that one about that day you saw a bird fly across a cloudy sky?





Hahahaha.
U!


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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Old Post Aug 24th, 2008 03:33 AM
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Deja~vu
Dreamer

Gender: Female
Location: Michigan

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
Thanks guys, I am happy you like it.



Lost and alone like a spark of fire in the dark night sky

Running through the void
An endless fire burning in my heart
Nothing around for miles

A burst of light
A last flicker of hope
The End



This one is pretty short, but I like the imagery.
Burinng and running for what cannot be kept....


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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Old Post Aug 24th, 2008 03:45 AM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Deja~vu
Burinng and running for what cannot be kept....

Wow, yes. That's soo cool, that's exactly what I had in mind when writing it...can you feel it when you read the poem?


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Old Post Aug 24th, 2008 10:31 AM
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chillmeistergen
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Gender: Male
Location: United Kingdom

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quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
Are you saying I should have submitted it to the contest...nah, would have been unfair, want to give other people a chance.


You totally should!


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"All morons hate it when you call them a moron." - Holden Caulfield

Old Post Aug 24th, 2008 02:21 PM
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Dyno
Authority

Gender: Male
Location: Glasgow

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
Well, I guess I should post the poem they have been talking about, I mean, if they like it, it must be okay. I just named it now.

The Bird in the Cloud after the End because of a Car

Go, just go
I don't need you
Anymore

Leave me
I know what we
could be

The sky is cloudy, but I feel alright
I see the bird in the pale light
and feel that I can live again
Without you, cause you love Ben




love it, quite powerful.


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Old Post Aug 24th, 2008 03:33 PM
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Fanor
Senior Member

Gender: Male
Location: Winterfell

Re: Where the pain ends - Bardock's Poetry

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
Hey, I wrote poetry for a while now, and finally I found the courage to post it. Lots of it is very, very dark and nothing for people that are easily offended. I will first post some of my earlier work.


Flame of Darkness and Love

It burns in my heart
The fire I can't stop
Can someone please call a cop
Though I have no chance to get help as I lost my ID card

The anger I feel is undescribable
I fear for my life
Why does it always happen to me
Am I cursed

Night has set and so has my love
I am not able to move
When will this horrible live ever end
I feel the blade as it cuts my hand




Comments are welcome but only good ones.

If you don't like it you just don't understand it.


smile


I like that you've capitalized the first word of every line...a technicality most overlooked by those who would submit their pieces. Which is to say that though word art is a creative endeavor, laziness in itself should not. But on that note...let's not forget punctuation. A minor thing, but just as important. For example: this line "Am I cursed". Would that be a question asked of us or a statement being made? Oh yes, I am a stickler for that sort of thing as it distracts from the reading of thy prose.

Now...as for the poem itself. I will of course keep my statements from being assinine as I've been so accused of, to which I felt it was justified, but I digress.

Although some phrases are cliched and somewhat overused, I cannot fault you that as I'm as guilty of that as anyone else, but...the simplicity of it does bring out the visual aspect of what you are trying to convey. "It burns in my heart -- The Fire I cant' stop" would be more a statement of you've had used "cannot" instead of "can't" as it keeps a rhythm, a flow to those lines. Yet at least the two correlate and compliment each other as it brings to mind what burns in your heart where most would have said "thing" instead of being more specific.

There is one error I'm not too sure of though...did you mean "life" or "live" on the second to the last line of the last stanza?

Now...for those who seem to think I am an assinine braggart, let me say this.

Bardock...I feel that this poem speaks from youth in all its immaturity and a lack of insight and wisdom. The part of the cop is an allegory that has no meaning and is redundant in a way as to make it seem as if you were being clever and witty but it stops dead the continuity of thought and feeling and the emotion is left empty and without regard to those who would appreciate the brevity of your apathetic construct. While I feel the prose lacks the fortitude you tried so desperately to convey, it at least is original in that originality is not forced.

After all...I cannot allow those who think I am what I am to realise I am not and thus showing favoritism to them I favor more over others not of my ilk.

Last edited by Fanor on Aug 25th, 2008 at 04:31 PM

Old Post Aug 25th, 2008 04:29 PM
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Victor Von Doom
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Gender: Unspecified
Location: In Rainbows

****ing hell.


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Old Post Aug 25th, 2008 07:30 PM
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Deja~vu
Dreamer

Gender: Female
Location: Michigan

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Bardock42
Well, I guess I should post the poem they have been talking about, I mean, if they like it, it must be okay. I just named it now.

The Bird in the Cloud after the End because of a Car

Go, just go
I don't need you
Anymore

Leave me
I know what we
could be

The sky is cloudy, but I feel alright
I see the bird in the pale light
and feel that I can live again
Without you, cause you love Ben


My opinion is that it is too straight forward. You need more imagery and metaphors...just my opinion....It's too straight on...


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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Old Post Aug 27th, 2008 10:38 PM
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Bardock42
Junior Member

Gender: Unspecified
Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves

quote: (post)
Originally posted by Deja~vu
My opinion is that it is too straight forward. You need more imagery and metaphors...just my opinion....It's too straight on...
What are you talking about, that is by far the best poem I posted in this thread.


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Old Post Aug 28th, 2008 06:56 PM
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