Brandi Svenning: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?
Gil Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.
Brodie Bruce: That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you! You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex! And I should know, we can smell our own.
Brandi Svenning: Suitor Number Three, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?
Gil Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done you're not the same as before. You're changed.
Brodie Bruce: Where do you come up with this shit? That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it wasn't even anything like that!
Gil Hicks: Who the hell did you see me kiss?
Brodie Bruce: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was, but he seemed unimpressed.
Gil Hicks: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear! I'm not gay.
Brodie Bruce: Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe! You heard how repulsed he sounded! Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate-monger?
Gil Hicks: I don't hate gay people!
Brodie Bruce: So you love them?
Gil Hicks: Yes! I mean, no.
Brodie Bruce: Textbook closet case. Self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.
Brodie: My cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on this plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane starts spinning around, going out of control, so he figures it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad! So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and they land safely and everyone puts their penises or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
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Jun 25th, 2009 09:10 PM
