Admiral Piett: Lord Vader, our ships have completed their scan of the area and found no gophers. If the Millennium Falcon went into the tunnel, it'll be on the other side of the golf court by now.
Darth Vader: Alert all commands. Calculate every possible hole along their last known trajectory.
Admiral Piett: Yes, my Lord. We'll find them.
Darth Vader: Don't fail me again, Admiral.
Han Solo: Afraid I was gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss?
Princess Leia: I'd just as soon kiss a Gopher.
Han Solo: I can arrange that. He could use a good kiss.
Yoda: Why wish you become Gopher hunter?
Luke: Well, mostly because of my father, I guess.
Yoda: Ahh... Spackler. Powerful Gopher Hunter was he. Powerful Gopher Hunter.
Luke: [suspcious] Oh, come on! How can you know my father? You don't even know who I am. Oh, I don't even know what I'm doing here! We're wasting our time!
Yoda: [Looking away from Luke] I cannot teach him to hunt gophers. The boy has no patience.
Chevy Chase: [voice-over] He will learn patience.
Yoda: Much anger in him... like his father. Like Carl
Chevy Chase: [voice] Tehnehnehnehnehnehneeehhh?
[Luke has seen a vision of Han, Leia and Chewie surrounded by CGI Gophers and Monkeys in the sports/leisure district of Cloud City]
Luke: I saw - I saw a golfrange in the clouds.
Yoda: [nods] Friends you have there.
Luke: They were in pain...
Yoda: It is the future you see.
Luke: The future?
[pause]
Luke: Will they die?
Yoda: [closes his eyes for a moment] Difficult to see. Always in motion are the gophers....
Luke: I've got to go to them.
Yoda: Decide you must, how to serve them best. If you leave now, help them escape monkeyrape and becoming gopherfood you could; but you would destroy all for which they have fought, and suffered.
Yoda: Stopped they must be; on this all depends. Only a fully trained Gopher Hunter, with C4 as his ally, will conquer Lucas and his gophers. If you end your training now - if you choose the quick and easy path as Spielberg did - you will become an agent of typical Hollywood stduio policy.
Obi-Wan: Patience.
Luke: And sacrifice my change for a career with Lucasfilm?
Yoda: If you honor what it once stood for? Yes.
Obi-Wan: If you choose to face Lucas, you will do it alone. I cannot interfere.
Luke: I understand. R2? Fire up the converters.
Obi-Wan: Luke! Don't give in to CGI. That leads to the Dark Side.
Yoda: Strong is Lucas. Mind what you have learned. Save you it can.
Luke: I will. And I'll return, I promise.
*Vader brings Luke before the Emperor and hands him Luke's weapon*
Darth Vader: His Gophermallet.
The Emperor: (to Luke) Ahhhhh yes... A groundskeeper's weapon....
Much like your father's.
By now you must know that your father can never be turned from the rodential side. So will it be with you.
Luke: Why didn't you tell me? You told me Spielberg betrayed and murdered his legacy.
Obi-Wan: Steven... was seduced by the Dark Side of the Gopher. He ceased to be the great film maker and *became* TAOS Spielberg. When that happened, the good director who was Steven was destroyed. So what I told you was true... from a certain point of view.
Luke: A certain point of view?
Obi-Wan: Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. Spielberg was a good director. When I first knew him, he'd already done Duel, Jaws and Close Encounters. But I was amazed how special effects were in service of the stories he told. I took it upon myself to introduce him to Lucas. I thought that they would make great movies and do that forever. I was wrong.
Luke: He is still a decent film maker.
Obi-Wan: He's more focussed on adding CGI than making good films now. With gophers and animated explosions.
Luke: I can't do it, Ben.
Obi-Wan: You cannot escape the gophers.
C-3PO: That sounds like an R2 unit in there! I wonder if... Hello? How interesting.
"R2 unit": Squeeeeeeeak...!
C-3PO: Oh, my! I... I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to intrude. No, please don't get up out of that golf hole...!!
*the "R2 unit" attacks C-3PO with its claws and teeth, ripping him apart offscreen*
C-3PO: [on Han's plan to use real gophers] I really don't see how that is going to help! CGI is a perfectly acceptable alternative in extreme circumstances! These CGI gophers may work out enough to...
[Han signals to Leia, who shuts 3PO down]
Darth Vader: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you.
Luke, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your rodent cultivating power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the golfrange.
Luke: I'll never join you!
Darth Vader: If you only knew the power of the Gophers... Obi-Wan never told you what happened to their farmer.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No. I am their farmer.
Luke: No. No. That's not true. That's impossible!
Darth Vader: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!
Luke: No! Noooooooooooo!
Han Solo: Well Princess, it looks like you managed to keep me here a while longer.
Princess Leia: I had nothing to do with it. General Rieekan thinks it's dangerous for anyone to go out on the golf range until they've activated the Spackler shield.
Han Solo: That's a good story. I think you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your sight.
Princess Leia: I don't know where you get your delusions, rodent brain.
[Chewbacca laughs]
Han Solo: Laugh it up, Gopher Lover.
*Darth Vader has just seen the revised edition of A New Hope, where two Gophers can be seen mocking Obi-Wan's fight on the death star. He turns angrily and activates a commscreen*
Admiral Ozzel: (appearing onscreen with Captain Piett) Lord Vader, the CGI Gopher artists have moved the rodents into key scenes and we're preparing to...uuuurrrk!!
*Ozzel stops, suddenly choking and clutching at his throat*
Darth Vader: You have failed me for the last time, Admiral..... Captain Piett?
Captain Piett: Yes, my lord?
Darth Vader: Make ready to land our troops beyond the good-out doors, and deploy the fleet, so that nothing gets into the stores.
*beside Piett, Admiral Ozzel utters one last strangled gasp, and falls over dead*
Darth Vader: You are in command now.... Admiral Piett.
Darth Vader: Calrissian. Take the rendering computer and the gopher designs to my ship.
Lando: You said we'd use real gophers under my expert animal direction!
Darth Vader: I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further.
The Emperor: (to Luke) The new Indy movie... will have CGI Gophers. As will your all movies from now on.... Good, I can feel your anger. I am defenseless. Take your weapon. Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey towards the dark side will be complete!
Lando: Well done. Get these gophers to the golf court, and keep it quiet. Move.
Leia: What do you think you're doing?
Lando: We're getting these gophers out there.
C-3PO: I knew all along. Had to be a mistake.
Leia: [angrily] Do you think that after what you did to Indy IV that we're going to trust you?
[Chewie grabs Lando by the throat]
Lando: [choking] I had no choice when I made those CGI gophers!
C-3PO: What are you doing? Trust him, trust him!
Leia: Oh, well, we understand, don't we, Chewie. You had "no choice".
Lando: Just trying to help...
Leia: We don't need any of your help!
Darth Vader: (having cornered Luke during their lightsaber battle) You are beaten. It is useless to resist. Don't let yourself be rendered in CGI as R2 D2 did...
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Nov 18th, 2010 04:56 PM
