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riv6672
Senior Member
 Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Screwed.
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Nov 16th, 2014 07:17 AM |
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riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
A hot blonde ordered a double entendre at a bar.
The bartender gave it to her.
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Nov 23rd, 2014 10:46 AM |
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Sunset Phoenix
Daybreaker
 Gender: Female
Location: In the Clouds |
So there's a pirate sitting at a bar and he's got a pegleg, a hook hand, and an eyepatch. One of the customers asks him how he got his various injuries.
"Well, we were a sailing, and along came a squall and I was knocked overboard, got me leg bitten off by a shark".
and what about his hook?
"Ohhh, there was a bit of swordplay, lost the hand, now I got me hook"
and what about your eye?
"Sailing one day and a bird sh*t in me eye"
That's it? a bird sh*t in his eye and he lost it?
"First day with the hook laddie, first day with the hook"
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Nov 24th, 2014 04:55 AM |
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Sunset Phoenix
Daybreaker
Gender: Female
Location: In the Clouds |
Pirate walks into a bar with a ships steering wheel sticking out of his pants. Bartender observes, "That looks uncomfortable, what's the deal?" Pirate replies, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts!"
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Nov 24th, 2014 04:56 AM |
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Esau Cairn
Contagious
 Gender: Male
Location: Australia |
A city guy fed up with the rat race moves to the country & buys a farm.
He decides to stroll over to the next farm & say hello to his neighbour.
The old farmer is pleasant enough & says to the city guy, "Considering you're new to these parts, let me throw you a good ol' fashion Welcome party tonight.
But I've got to warn you, we do things differently around here..."
"Firstly," the old farmer said,"We like to drink a lot."
"That's ok." The city guy replied, "I've been known to handle my own, I'm sure I can keep up with the best of you."
"Well when there's drink sometimes fights may break out..." The farmer explained.
"Once again, I can look after myself & I like to consider myself a happy drunk, not a violent one..."
"That's good to hear & lastly," the farmer went on explaining," I hope you're not a prude. Around here we're pretty open minded & there's a big chance you'll be rolling in the hay by the end of the night..if you know what I mean..."
"Even better! I haven't been laid in a long time!" The city guy confessed getting excited about the party.
"Well..." The farmer concluded, " you best go back to your farm & get ready whilst I organise this shin dig for tonight."
The city guy thanked the farmer for his generosity & was about to leave when he had one last question to ask," I've never been to a country party, what should I wear?"
"Oh whatever you want...there's only going to be you & me."
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Nov 24th, 2014 12:33 PM |
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riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
 .....
Hadnt heard that in years!!!
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Nov 24th, 2014 12:41 PM |
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Esau Cairn
Contagious
Gender: Male
Location: Australia |
But I just made it up tonight.
Bran over at HeroChat can vouch for me.
Last edited by Esau Cairn on Nov 24th, 2014 at 01:04 PM
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Nov 24th, 2014 01:01 PM |
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riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
Want to hear a word i just made up?
Plagiarism.
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Nov 24th, 2014 01:10 PM |
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Esau Cairn
Contagious
Gender: Male
Location: Australia |
Sounds foreign.
You mustn't be white 
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Nov 24th, 2014 11:11 PM |
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Robtard
Senor Member
 Gender: Unspecified
Location: Captain's Chair, CA |
A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street one day discussing theology when a little boy runs by chasing his ball.
Priest leans over to the rabbi and says: "Hey, want to screw that little boy?"
Rabbi response: "Screw him outta what?"
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You've Just Been Kirked To The Curb
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Nov 25th, 2014 12:09 AM |
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riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
!!!
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Nov 25th, 2014 05:45 AM |
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rudester
Tommy
 Gender: Male
Location: United States |
The Reason Fish Smell.
One fine morning in eden, God was looking for adam and eve but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw adam and asked were he and eve had been earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and i made love for the first time." God said, Adam you have sinned". I knew this would happen were is eve now? Adam replied, "she's down at the river washing herself out." Damn says god, now the fish will smell.
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Nov 25th, 2014 06:10 AM |
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riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
Oh, that was awful!
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Nov 25th, 2014 07:26 AM |
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Esau Cairn
Contagious
Gender: Male
Location: Australia |
So this young couple of newly-weds book themselves in a country side hotel for their honeymoon. The friendly concierge takes them to their room & helps them settle in, offering his services & congratulating them on their marriage.
Early the next morning, the same conceierge notices the husband leaving with his fishing gear. The same thing happens for the next 3 days...the husband leaving early each morning to go fishing only to return by sunrise with the fish he caught requesting that they get cooked for dinner.Meanwhile the wife never once leaves her hotel room.
The conceierge is puzzled & after the 4 day of the husband leaving to spend the day fishing, he approaches the guy & politely says," Sir, I know it's none of my business but I can't help noticing that this is your honeymoon but all you do is fish. If I may be bold enough to say but if that was my wife, I wouldn't be out fishing all day...if you know what I mean."
"Well," the husband explains, " my wife has gonorrhea so sex is out of the question."
The conceierge is surprised by the husband's frank honesty which prompts him to say, "Surely there's other ways you can consummate your marriage...?"
The husband replies, "She also has haemorrhoids so anal sex is out of the question too."
The conceierge is stunned, "I don't want to sound rude but for God's sake, why did you marry her if you knew she had all this conditions?!!?"
The young husband just smiled & replied, " Well she also has worms & I love fishing!"
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Nov 25th, 2014 01:16 PM |
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Robtard
Senor Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Captain's Chair, CA |
Wife and Husband at the hospital, the wife has a terminal illness and is at death's doors, this being her final moments. While her husband is holding her hands, tears in his eyes as he knows he'll soon lose the love of his life. Mustering all the strength she can, she leans forward and whispers into his ear:
Wife: "I want you to **** me up the ass."
Husband looks on incredulously: "W-what? You can't be serious, these are our last moments and you're so weak."
Wife: "Just trust me. I want you to **** me up the ass."
Husband shocked and at a loss for words abides and grants his wife her last wish. Soon he sees the color and vigor returning to her face, strength coming back in her once frail body with each thrust. By the time he finishes, his wife looks as healthy as can be.
He looks on in joy and disbelief, but then falls to the floor sobbing in abject sorrow.
Wife: "What's wrong, you just saved my life!?"
Husband: "I know, dear. But I just realized I could have also saved my father two years ago."
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You've Just Been Kirked To The Curb
Last edited by Robtard on Nov 25th, 2014 at 07:12 PM
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Nov 25th, 2014 07:05 PM |
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riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
Hahaha!!!^^^
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Nov 27th, 2014 12:55 PM |
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riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
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Nov 27th, 2014 12:56 PM |
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riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
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Nov 30th, 2014 12:26 PM |
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riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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Dec 4th, 2014 12:52 PM |
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riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
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Dec 19th, 2014 12:25 PM |
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