Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
Two men are hunting when one accidentally shoots the other.
He freaks out and calls 911 on his cell-phone:
"I just accidentally shot my friend while we were hunting! I think he's dead! What do i do?! What do I do?"
"Ok sir. Calm down. First let's make sure your friend is really dead. . . "
"Ok! Hang on! "
"Ok. He's really dead. Now what?"
A nun gets into a taxi, and the driver cant stop staring at her.
The nun asks, "what is the problem my boy?"
The driver says, "I want to ask you a question but i don't want you to be offended"
The nun replies, "when you're my age, you've heard about all there is to hear, go on ask me."
So the driver tells her that it has been his lifelong wish to have a nun kiss him.
The nun agrees but has two requirements, "Are you single, and are you catholic?"
The man says yes to both and the nun tells him to pull into the next ally way. The nun gives the man a kiss that would make a hooker blush, but once they start off again the driver begins to cry.
The nun asks, "What seems to be the problem my dear?"
The drvier replies, "I must admit i have sinned, I have lied to you, i am Jewish and Married"
The nun tells him, "Thats ok, so have i. My name is kevin and im on my way to a Halloween party."
An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.
His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred
a turkey that has 6 legs!"
They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
"I Don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"
The US Army was going to stage War Games but due to budget cuts they had no rifles or pistols for the soldiers to use.
The Captain in charge issued his men sticks and told them this is your rifle, say "Bangity Bang" and your enemy will fall over dead.
He issued them smaller sticks and said these are your knives and pistols, say "Powity Pow" for the pistol and "Knifity Knife" and your enemy will fall over dead as well.
The War Games began and the soldiers rushed into the field, one soldier was skeptical that this strategy would work, so when he saw an enemy soldier he took his long stick and said "Bangity Bang" and the man fell over. So he continued until an enemy knocked the stick out of his hand, he took out his smaller stick and said "Powity Pow" and the man fell over.
His team was winning until he saw a lone soldier walking slowly towards him killing his team mates with ease, he rushed up and said "Powity Pow" but the man did not fall over, he repeated the words to no effect. He yelled to the soldier Hey, didn't you hear what the Captain said, when I say "Powity Pow" you fall over dead! So he said it again to no effect. He asked the soldier why don't you fall over, the enemy soldier replied, "Tankity Tank"