Friday morning finds George playing golf with his usual group. As they finish the 10th hole a funeral procession drives by. George faces the road and removes his hat and covers his heart. Ralph says he didn't realize George was so moved by funerals. George replied, "She was a good wife!"
Two brunettes and a blond escape from prison. To avoid the cops, the three women run into a barn. On the ground are three burlap sacks. One of the brunettes says to hide in the sacks when she hears to cops approach.
One of the cops opens the barn door and sees the three sacks. He tells his partner that all he sees are the sacks. His partner says to kick them to make sure the three women aren't hiding inside.
So the cop kicks the first sack with one of the brunettes in it.
"Meow!", the first brunette said.
"Oh, it's just a stupid cat", the cop says.
He then kicks the bag with the other brunette in it.
"Woof!", the second brunette says.
"Oh, it's just a stupid dog", the cop says.
The cop finally kicks the bag with the blonde in it.
"Potatoes!", the blonde shouts.
An Englishman is driving down a dark, windy, country road in the pouring rain. He sees someone standing on the side of the road and pulls over to give him a ride.
When he stops, he sees a horrible looking man standing there. He had 3 heads, no arms and one leg. He opened the door for the guy and said " 'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, you look pretty 'armless, Hop on in!"
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started
back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a
grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did
you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your
private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."
What do you call a fat chick with yeast infection? A Double Whopper w/Cheese. (This joke is best told while your friend is scarfing his hamburger at a restaurant, and the server is chunky.)
An executive was interviewing a blonde woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shts in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
Convicted hitman 'Two Shoes' McLardy confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures.
Police admit this may be the first known case of a nick nack paddy whack.
A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.
"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."
"Oh shit, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"
"Denise," the doctor replies.
Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"
This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a goat runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the goat by the hind legs and starts screwing it.
“Oh my God!” she exclaims and drives into town to find the sherrif.
She sees the sheriff’s car parked in front of the town bar.
“It figures…,” she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who’s sitting at the bar with his drink.
“What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal….and then…I come in here….and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!!!!??”
Well, ma'am,“ the sheriff slowly replies, "you don’t expect him to catch a goat at his age, do you?”
KMC Community Forums
Jun 15th, 2017 12:14 AM
roflmao
