 |
riv6672
Senior Member
 Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
(please log in to view the image)
__________________
|
Aug 8th, 2017 10:14 AM |
|
|
| |
|
Nuke Nixon
One Shot, One Kill
 Gender: Unspecified
Location: Great Northwest |
Man walks into a bar. He notices a jar with money in it over the bar. He asks the bartender what the money's for.
Bartender says, "Oh, we've got ourselves a contest here, y'see...You pay $10, but if you beat all 3 challenges, you win all the money."
"What's the contest?" the man asks.
"First, you've gotta knock out Bruno with one shot," the bartender says - pointing to the 6'6, 300 lb dim-witted bouncer. "Then, we take you out back to the kennel, where our doberman has an impacted wisdom tooth, and you have to remove it. Finally, you have to have sex with Agnes," he continued, pointing to a mummy-like elderly woman in the corner, "until she has an orgasm."
"Screw that," the man says. "That's way too tough!" But, a few drinks in, he'd gotten his Irish courage up, and he dropped his $10 in the jar.
He leapt up, ran over to Bruno and - summoning all his strength, caught the bouncer completely by surprise, knocking him out with one punch. The crowd - sensing the possibilities, began cheering him on, as they led him to the back kennel.
Once the door was shut, the crowd heard horrible growling sounds coming from the dog, punctuated, finally, by a loud *squeak*.
The door opened, and the man stepped out and said, "OK, now take me to that old lady with the bad tooth"
__________________
|
|
Aug 8th, 2017 12:47 PM |
|
|
| |
|
riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
That was spit take worthy!
__________________
|
|
Aug 9th, 2017 05:23 AM |
|
|
| |
|
Nuke Nixon
One Shot, One Kill
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Great Northwest |
Joe goes to doctor.
"Doctor, something is wrong with my dick!"
The doctor gives him the examination and says...
"Nothing serious... Go home, put your dick in milk, twice a day, for a week. After that, it will be brand new."
Joe goes home and asks his hostess for a glass of milk. Then he goes in the room and locks the door. The granny, very curious, sneaks at his door and looks through the keyhole. Stunned, she says...
"I lived eighty years, I buried three husbands, and I find only now that this is how they charge it?!"
__________________
|
|
Aug 9th, 2017 06:17 AM |
|
|
| |
|
riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
(please log in to view the image)
__________________
|
|
Aug 9th, 2017 09:31 PM |
|
|
| |
|
Nuke Nixon
One Shot, One Kill
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Great Northwest |
A man and his wife moved back home to Louisiana from New Mexico. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in New Mexico was $2,000.00 a year!!!
When they arrived in Louisiana, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, "$39.00."
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Louisiana to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in New Mexico!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here it is on the screen. it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00."
__________________
|
|
Aug 11th, 2017 11:30 AM |
|
|
| |
|
Nuke Nixon
One Shot, One Kill
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Great Northwest |
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
__________________
|
|
Aug 11th, 2017 11:31 AM |
|
|
| |
|
riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
That second one was aces!
__________________
|
|
Aug 12th, 2017 04:20 AM |
|
|
| |
|
riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
(please log in to view the image)
__________________
|
|
Aug 16th, 2017 10:23 PM |
|
|
| |
|
Nuke Nixon
One Shot, One Kill
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Great Northwest |
Mary had a little snatch,
A teeny tiny hole,
Johnny couldn't quite fit in,
His massive manly pole.
He greased her up and squirmed and shoved,
And pinched her little t!t,
But nothing seemed to work for him,
The damned thing wouldn't fit!
So Mary drank a lot of wine,
And smoked a little grass,
And just as she was passing out,
He shoved it up her ass.
__________________
|
|
Aug 17th, 2017 04:50 PM |
|
|
| |
|
riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
farmer's helper named Kull
Accidentally was milking a bull
The farmer said, "Boy yer dumb,
You done milked the wrong one!"
Said the boy, "But me whole bucket's full."
__________________
|
|
Aug 18th, 2017 09:23 AM |
|
|
| |
|
Nuke Nixon
One Shot, One Kill
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Great Northwest |
(please log in to view the image)
__________________
|
|
Aug 18th, 2017 10:51 AM |
|
|
| |
|
riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
(please log in to view the image)
__________________
|
|
Aug 19th, 2017 06:39 AM |
|
|
| |
|
Nuke Nixon
One Shot, One Kill
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Great Northwest |
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of
the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act he
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act
displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you
saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his
bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied , "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
__________________
|
|
Aug 19th, 2017 01:29 PM |
|
|
| |
|
Nuke Nixon
One Shot, One Kill
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Great Northwest |
A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says,
"Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy
kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man
kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer
into your pvssy, and drink from your cvnt."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was
going to lick her t!ts.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and
starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer
down my cvnt, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I won't fvck with anyone who
can drink that much beer."
__________________
|
|
Aug 19th, 2017 01:33 PM |
|
|
| |
|
Nuke Nixon
One Shot, One Kill
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Great Northwest |
(please log in to view the image)
__________________
|
|
Aug 26th, 2017 01:44 PM |
|
|
| |
|
riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
^^^nicely done!
(please log in to view the image)
__________________
|
|
Aug 27th, 2017 09:20 AM |
|
|
| |
|
Nuke Nixon
One Shot, One Kill
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Great Northwest |
Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the urinals, still deep in conversation.
But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed.
"I say, ‘tis a remarkable dong you have there," Paddy was prompted to remark.
“T’wasn't always that way," replied Mick. "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said.
"I got this done in Dublin. It costs me twenty thousand bucks, but as you can see,well worth it."
Paddy was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and drove to Dublin. It was a good six months later before he ran into
Mick once again and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.
"You were diddled. I got mine for ten thousand bucks only" said Paddy.
Mick could hardly believe it. Same address in Dublin, same doctor.
Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look.
Once more they lined up at the urinals and when Mick took a peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared and he started laughing.
"Why are you laughing?"
"No wonder you got it at half price," Mick laughed. "That's my old one!
__________________
|
|
Sep 2nd, 2017 02:35 AM |
|
|
| |
|
riv6672
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
(please log in to view the image)
__________________
|
|
Sep 3rd, 2017 08:39 AM |
|
|
| |
|
Nuke Nixon
One Shot, One Kill
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Great Northwest |
A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of Indians. The Indians were all prepared to kill him when the chief announced that due to the celebration of the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he would die. "What do you want for your first wish?" asks the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He goes over to his horse and whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. "What do you want for your second wish?" says the chief.
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. Again, the cowboy whispers in the horses ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later, and the chief asks the cowboy "What do you want for your last wish?"
"I wanna talk to mah horse!" says the cowboy. He grabs the horse by the ears and yells,
"You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE!!!!"
__________________
|
|
Sep 5th, 2017 01:30 PM |
|
|
| |
Forum Rules:
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
|
HTML code is OFF
vB code is ON
Smilies are ON
[IMG] code is ON
|
|
Text-only version |
|
|
KMC Community Forums
