KMC Forums - Relationships

Courting Periods, Engagements, and Marriage

A. Courting Periods

People go through courting periods far far too long. There are multiple reasons for that.

1. Indecisiveness - People are far too indecisive. They keep looking around the corner for the next best person. Better looking, more educated more successful. Part of this is due to the information age. They can find someone that they perceive as being better with a swipe right on their mobile. Bam, a hook-up is scheduled in 5 minutes. Stop being so immature. Stop looking so hard for the next best thing. Take it one at a time, focus on one at a time.

2. Terrible Ideas About Relationships - There are so many terrible ideas about how relationships are supposed to work. Everything is supposed to be perfect, the man does this, the woman does that, you have to play a chase-game or follow these sets of rules, and so forth. It is exhausting and very stupid. You like her? She likes you? You're both not buttholes? GREAT! STFU and date each other. Put your phones away, stop looking for other people, and let your damn relationship happen. Commit (refer to 1) for a change.

Also, some people navigate the world thinking that they can only have a serious relationship after they finish college, or get x promotion, and so forth. That's not only stupid as hell (because life is limited and youth is even shorter), it's actually false. Married college students perform better in college than their non-married peers, on average (citation needed). I have no idea where this false information came from about marriage interfering with college.

Stay in a committed long-term relationship, don't cheat (on tests or on your partner), don't party, do your homework, and hold a job while in college (if possible). That will keep you out of trouble.

3. Selfishness and Narcissism - Many have reported narcissism is on the rise due to social media. People think relationships hold them down that they can't play video games, do wood-working, go out with their friends, and so forth. Why? Who said that? Why do you stop those things? If your significant other stopped those things, stop being a coward and talk it out. Let them know you refuse to stop the things that make you happy. But if you're partying all the time, perhaps you should grow up and stop? The party life-style gets old, fast. The thrill seeking get old, and you need to just grow-up. Put the alcohol away, put the drugs away, and grow up. If you play video games so much that you can't hold a romantic relationship and a job, you're playing video games too much. Learn to balance things. It's fun to go out and have fun every now and then but don't make it a lifestyle. Also, plan more adventures with your friends AND their significant others.

Don't be self-absorbed, social media whores. Stop posting and crawling social media so much. Learn your weaknesses, learn your strengths, admit your mistakes, and work on your weaknesses. Don't try to paint a picture of a perfect world on your social media. Don't brag all the time on social media unless you got your degree or landed that major job (be honest, how often does that happen? Once every 2 years? It's not a major life event if you have one every week - you're not the most interest man/woman in the world).

B. Engagements

People wait too long to get engaged, people spend too much money on rings, and people waste too much money on weddings.

1. Waiting too long to get engaged - As you can probably guess, I think people wait far too long to get engaged. "But I read that story where the guy completely changed after 2 years!" Use as many excuses as you want. If you're a liar who puts on a face just to get what you want, you will leave a destructive path behind you in the form of court records, divorces, and jobs. Those people are easy enough to figure out if you put the effort in, right at the beginning, to determine if they are putting on a fake-persona just to land a relationship with a stable person (these people exist).

Don't waste your time waiting for that person to come around. If you are both down to earth, honest, hard working, and know how to resolve conflict, there is no reason at all not to get engaged. Even if you've been dating for just a few weeks, if you have done your due-diligence and know the person isn't putting on a facade, why wait? If you're in love, move things along. Sure, for most people it will take 6+ months to figure this out. That's okay. But make sure you're not ruining your life by waiting too long to get engaged. It's unnecessary stress. Refer to A. Courting Periods for why I think it is terrible to be indecisive.

2. Wasting Money on Rings - All too often, I see stupid Americans falling for the expensive ring purchase. Stop wasting your money on rings. Parents everywhere need to teach their American children, especially their daughters, that a marriage is not about an expensive ring. A $40k diamond ring for a middle class family is absolutely ridiculous. Put that money into a down-payment on a home. Buy a car, save for a graduate degree, put it into a Roth IRA for retirement, etc. Never finance a stupid jewelry purchase. Unless you're a top 5% income earner in the US and you have the wiggle room in your budget to easily purchase a $40k ring, it's not appropriate. If you are a man and your woman demands an expensive ring to get married, consider the relationship. Talk about your fear of her being a problem (refer to section A.3).

In fact, get a white sapphire or moissanite ring. In the worst case, get an artificial diamond. I personally feel that moissanite looks better than a diamond (it has higher brilliance) and I am unsure why diamonds took off (I am, it was the de Beers corruption and marketing influence many decades ago).

The only way we can stop people from having idiotic ideas that you need to spend 20% of your annual income on diamonds if for parents to teach their children about how stupid it is.

3. Costly Weddings - Do you want a super magnificent wedding at an expensive venue with costly rentals, costly furnishings, an expensive b-list band, expensive catering? Yes? Do you have $40k-$100K of cash savings saved up for a wedding and are a top 1% income earner (or your parents, who promised to pay, are)? Yes? Then you can have that wedding! For everyone else, be realistic and stop trying to live like a 1% family. You're not rich. You can't afford that wedding. So stop going into debt for those stupid ass weddings. Get a cheap venue, keep catering modest, and just rent the damn dress/tux: you won't wear them again unless you're a terrible person who will divorce and remarry soon.

Again, somewhere along the lines, people thought they needed to have weddings like the rich and famous. No you don't. You cannot afford it. You shouldn't be going into debt for anything but your house, education, and possible a partial debt for your car. Spend more money on the honeymoon than the wedding. Spend more time planning the honeymoon. Honestly, if you're middle-class, you shouldn't spend more than $10k total for the honeymoon and wedding. With $6k of that going to the honeymoon. If you can drop the costs down to $5k, all the better. Don't go into debt. If you have to put off your wedding a year because you have to save up, your engagement period is too long and you're spending too much.

Stop trying to look better than you really are to your family and friends.

C. Marriages

People divorce too easily, these days. People divorce over the stupidest of things but usually it is because there is one or more people in the marriage who are not actively working on the relationship.

1. Making it Work - Empty words mean nothing in almost all circumstances for a good marriage. Actions speak everything in a marriage. It takes two people to make a good marriage. One person can try and try and try but if the other doesn't work on it, it will fail.

Communication is also key. Something bothers you? Set aside time each week to discuss your feelings and relationship. Don't have time? Make time and cancel whatever is preventing you from making your relationship work! What you can each do better, what you each want the other to stop, what you want each to continue doing (compliment each other). Make sure you give space and time for your spouse to do their own thing but learn how much time the other needs.

Don't be selfish with your time.

The budget is a joint task. So are household chores. Unless you both agree to and are happy with a split of duties.

Consistency is the key to everything from marriages to chores to fitness. Consistency. You can't commit to saying nice things to your spouse, do it for 1 month, and then stop. If that's what you both agreed needed to happen to make the other happy, be consistent and hold each other to your promises. That's why I think a steady, once a week commitment, is important (if you're having marriage struggles).

Most of the people I see get divorced, these days, are always for petty reasons, selfish, stupid reasons.

2. Collaboration and Compromise - Title says it all. Stop being a jerk and learn how to do both. Your marriage will work.

3. Your Spouse is not an Emotional Punching Bag - When you are mad, upset, or angry, do not take it out on your spouse or children. Ever. They are your zen. Your center. Hug them. Sit down with them. Eat some delicious food with them. Rant to them for 30 minutes (but don't let it last for hours as that type of negative emotion is unhealthy over time). Watch a movie. Tons of things you can do other than be mean to your spouse.