 |
| |
|
TedO
Nightmare All His Own
 Gender: Unspecified
Location: Canada |
This story has been editted because of morbid content.
~Captain REX~
Alright, this is my first attempt at a short story outside of the ones they made you write in school. IT's a little on the R rated side, and written in a different style.
Enjoy.
--------------------
[SPOILER - highlight to read]: Nobody knows why she had to make a fool of him. She just did. It's not like he was asking for much, just a simple date. But she went and made him the joke of the school. It's no wonder why he reacted like he did.
It was fall. Football practice had begun for the players, and likewise for the cheerleaders. And that's what she was. Head cheerleader, to be exact. For that reason alone, most of the boys in school would want her. But he wanted her for more than that.
After practice one day, while the football squad had gathered around to make passes at the mini-skirt wearing young ladies, he approached her and made his move. Speaking quietly so none of the others could here, he asked for a simple date. Nothing more and nothing less.
And of course, she declined. Why wouldn't she? Cold blooded, heartless, uncaring... nothing was strong enough to describe her.Nothing could fit the personality she had gotten from her mother. The absue she was able to deal out. And deal she did.
Not a simpel no came out of her mouth. Not even an insulting phrase. In fact, no words came out. Just laughter. Laughter at the thought of one such as her stooping so low as to not only associtate, but to go to common grounds as this lowly skid before her. Soon the laughter caught on. Nobody knew what she was laughing at, but they laughed anyway.
And that's where the anger began.
That night, the phone rang. She wasn't home the answer, but her mother was. A message was taken. And delivered. She couldn't figure out why an extra cheerleader practice was called for tommorow, mainly because it was a saturday, but no arguments came to mind. It was one of the things that kept her happy.
The fog rolled in that morning, thick fog. She pulled into teh school parking lot, which was empty. Maybe she was early. The only logical explination. And of course, somebody else had to be there. Why else were the school doors unlocked? Maybe the coach parked out front.
She stepped into the air conditioning of teh school, removing her fall jacket. Nobody answered the calls she would give, nothing but an echoing hello.
Footsteps. And for once, they weren't her own. But from where? With the echoing, they seemed to come from all around her. But, in the end, they came from only one place. Behind.
Something grabber her by the hair and pulled her head back. She saw something glisten in front of her eyes for a moment, then something sharp run across her neck. She fell to the floor on her back, looking up and seeing him. Standing above her, naked. He would get his date any way, she figured. So she did the only thing she could.
She died so she wouldn't feel him take her.
--------------
So, what do you think? The way I didn't actually had anybody actually talk. The story telling way it was written.... feedback please.
__________________
Every town has an Elm Street...
Last edited by REXXXX on Jul 19th, 2003 at 05:05 PM
|
Jul 10th, 2003 08:03 PM |
|
|
| |
|
kruegerKid
NOES Expert
 Gender: Male
Location: Fall River, Massachusetts |
I think overall it was good. It seemed to get more detailed towards the end. The ending was great, probally because I love morbid tales of revenge. I also like your style, I happen to use the same kind myself, nice storytelling format. I think it makes the story darker if there is little to no conversation. Anyways good job Tedo and don't worry, I won't tell the cops it was you..lol
__________________
--Final Fantasy Addict--
|
|
Jul 10th, 2003 08:19 PM |
|
|
| |
|
TedO
Nightmare All His Own
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Canada |
Shhhh..... our little secret 
And yeah, I like stories with no cnversation.. short stories at least. Just makes it more interesting
__________________
Every town has an Elm Street...
|
|
Jul 10th, 2003 08:21 PM |
|
|
| |
|
yerssot
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
shoudln't the last line be
"She died so she wouldn't feel him take her." ?
|
|
Jul 10th, 2003 08:40 PM |
|
|
| |
|
TedO
Nightmare All His Own
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Canada |
Hmm... yes, yes it should.
__________________
Every town has an Elm Street...
|
|
Jul 10th, 2003 08:42 PM |
|
|
| |
|
yerssot
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
teehee, glad I could help 
(sorry, but I'm not much of a storycritic)
|
|
Jul 10th, 2003 08:44 PM |
|
|
| |
|
kruegerKid
NOES Expert
Gender: Male
Location: Fall River, Massachusetts |
I'm very critical and I saw that too, I was just trying to avoid mentioning it, figured it was small enough to be overlooked.
__________________
--Final Fantasy Addict--
|
|
Jul 10th, 2003 08:49 PM |
|
|
| |
|
TedO
Nightmare All His Own
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Canada |
It's alright that you're not a scritic... a small, 1000 word report will do fine 
And I'm surprised I only messed it up once. Not have names for characters can get confusing at times.
__________________
Every town has an Elm Street...
|
|
Jul 10th, 2003 08:54 PM |
|
|
| |
|
SalemKent
Restricted
 Gender: Male
Location: In Love With SlayerChick Account Restricted |
Awesome story: You should make a Sequel to it.
__________________
Created by SlayerChick
|
|
Jul 11th, 2003 08:46 PM |
|
|
| |
|
TedO
Nightmare All His Own
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Canada |
Well, I prob won't make a squel per se, cause this was a one time bit, but I'll prob write another short story and it will prob be similar to this one since people liked it
__________________
Every town has an Elm Street...
|
|
Jul 11th, 2003 09:05 PM |
|
|
| |
|
REXXXX
Networking
 Gender: Male
Location: San Diego Moderator |
Good to have stories from people, but it is being editted because of the morbidness.
__________________
|
|
Jul 19th, 2003 05:04 PM |
|
|
| |
|
TedO
Nightmare All His Own
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Canada |
Sorry, Cap
__________________
Every town has an Elm Street...
|
|
Jul 22nd, 2003 01:53 AM |
|
|
| |
|
REXXXX
Networking
Gender: Male
Location: San Diego Moderator |
Quite alright. I don't mind at all. It's more of a "Viewer Discretion Advised" type thing. All you have to do is highlight it to read it.
__________________
|
|
Jul 22nd, 2003 06:04 AM |
|
|
| |
|
TedO
Nightmare All His Own
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Canada |
Hooray -highlights- Hmm... that's a pretty morbid story. What sick freak wrote this
__________________
Every town has an Elm Street...
|
|
Jul 22nd, 2003 12:55 PM |
|
|
| |
|
REXXXX
Networking
Gender: Male
Location: San Diego Moderator |
I don't know. 
__________________
|
|
Jul 22nd, 2003 05:57 PM |
|
|
| |
|
jinXed by JaNx
Senior Member
 Gender: Male
Location: Pittsburgh |
its a good story i liked it alot, along with jrueger kids stories you guys are well written
__________________
"If you tell the truth, you never have to remember anything" -Twain
(sig by Scythe)
|
|
Aug 7th, 2003 10:07 PM |
|
|
| |
|
REXXXX
Networking
Gender: Male
Location: San Diego Moderator |
Yeah, they are.
Maybe we should have a contest...but we'd need more people to be interested in the General Fiction Section.
__________________
|
|
Aug 7th, 2003 10:10 PM |
|
|
| |
|
Dexx
wingless
Gender: Male
Location: Bucharest, Romania |
hey...i'm in. Been waiting for an opportunity to write some more. i love writting..but i need motivation.
|
|
Aug 8th, 2003 12:03 AM |
|
|
| |
|
REXXXX
Networking
Gender: Male
Location: San Diego Moderator |
Okay, I'll start the thread.
__________________
|
|
Aug 9th, 2003 07:40 PM |
|
|
| |
|
TedO
Nightmare All His Own
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Canada |
Yeah, a contest. Something to get lazy me off my ass
__________________
Every town has an Elm Street...
|
|
Aug 10th, 2003 08:36 PM |
|
|
| |
Forum Rules:
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
|
HTML code is OFF
vB code is ON
Smilies are ON
[IMG] code is ON
|
|
Text-only version |
|
|
KMC Community Forums
