Lara Croft: Tomb Raider Review

by Norm Schrager (cnull AT mindspring DOT com)
June 21st, 2001
TOMB RAIDER
A film review by Norm Schrager
Copyright 2001 filmcritic.com

The now-classic video game Tomb Raider is a geek boy's dream -- a hot
heroine with Barbie-like measurements goes on adventures and kicks ass.
The film adaptation, starring the buxom and bored Angelina Jolie, is
nobody's dream. It's billed as an action fantasy, but possesses no
physical excitement or wonder. OK, maybe some wonder, as in, "I wonder
how Paramount actually feels about this film."

Even the teen hormones that live in all us guys are squashed by this
one. Jolie, trying to play our heroine Lady Lara Croft as sexy and
supercool, just looks mildly amused by the goings-on. I half expected
her to check her watch while on camera, searching for lunch or a better
project. [Never underestimate crafty film editing. -Ed.]

And it wouldn't take much to find the latter. Somewhere in Tomb Raider
exists a loose story about two parts of a single rune that, when joined
together, can cause major cosmic tragedies when the planets next align,
which is soon (this only happens every 5,000 years, so this is
important!) Lady Lara needs to keep the pieces from the enemy, or hide
them, or something, but since the script is so painfully bad, we can't
really tell or care.

The screenplay, credited to six contributors including director Simon
West (Con Air), is not only uninteresting, it is devoid of any style.
If the film is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, where are the laughs? If
it's got a heavy-duty comic-book slant, where is the camp? Tomb Raider
takes itself almost too seriously, by a group of writers who reduce the
humor of this movie to Lara's sidekick whining because his ass muscles
fall asleep. These guys even cast Jon Voight (Jolie's real-life father)
as Lara Croft's father... and then make absolutely no reference to the
in-joke. Talk about a lost opportunity to add some fun and levity.

At least you'd figure the shoot-em-up sequences would make up for the
lack of an entertaining script. Not so. Save for a somewhat creative
showdown during the finale, this dud's got your standard running,
jumping, and gunplay, lifted from better movies you've already seen.
The fight choreography is so tired that Lara appears to be rehearsing
for some off-screen gymnastics event.

And while you're watching the action, be careful! The filmmakers
believe you might not be sure something cool is just about to happen.
To help you along, West provides two hints: 1) The film is in slow
motion, and 2) There's something resembling techno music in the
soundtrack. Of course, the slo-mo is more reminiscent of a Billy Joel
video than The Matrix, and the music sounds like your Mom's techno,
generic and palatable enough to be in a movie commercial or an elevator,
rather than in a feature film (funny, considering West began directing
commercials).

If it's action with zip and spice you're looking for, try the at least
passable Mummy Returns. If it's just a hot babe wearing a closet-full
of tight shirts, this movie just might do. But if it's Tomb Raider you
really want, keep your Playstation plugged in.

RATING: *1/2

|------------------------------|
\ ***** Perfection \
\ **** Good, memorable film \
    \ *** Average, hits and misses \
    \ ** Sub-par on many levels \
    \ * Unquestionably awful \
    |------------------------------|

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Director: Simon West
Producer: Lawrence Gordon, Lloyd Levin, Colin Wilson
Writer: Patrick Massett, Simon West, John Zinman
Starring: Angelina Jolie, Daniel Craig, Leslie Phillips, Mark Collie,
Rachel Appleton, Chris Barrie, Iain Glen, Julian Rhind-Tutt, Noah
Taylor, Jon Voight

http://www.tombraidermovie.com/splash_frames.html

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