The Transporter 2 Review

by Homer Yen (homer_yen AT yahoo DOT com)
September 11th, 2005
"The Transporter 2??Just Can't Get There
by Homer Yen
(c) 2005

Just for the record, I like the actor Jason
Statham. He's tough. He's menacing. He's the perfect mold for gangster pulp. But here,
reprising his role as Frank, the ultimate driver/fighter/soldier, he's clearly in the wrong vehicle. The film is basically a sort of brown
tank. It doesn't have too much by way of color.
And it just plows and plods its way over
everything and anything to get to its conclusion.

Check out his nifty Audi A-8. It is apparently armor-plated, fitted with bulletproof glass, and
can corkscrew through the air so that it can land softly on its hypertuned suspension. Admittedly,
I kind of lost interest when (and this is a long
scene to explain) Frank, standing by his
driver-side door, notices through the reflection
of the water over which the car is parked that
there is a bomb planted to the bottom of his
beloved car. Now, most people would quickly put
some distance between themselves and the car and
run as far away as possible. Not Frank. He
races it over a mound of boxes and spirals the
car through the air. Just as it makes one-half a rotation with the bottom side up, the bomb is
captured by a large crane hook that dwindles 15
feet in the air. The bomb explodes, the Audi
lands safely, and our driver can now concentrate
on other matters. Yeah, right. And that sets
the tone of this hokey film, which is decidedly
more choppy than chop socky. I was reminded of a similar-yet-realistic scene in the 007 film, "The
Man with the Golden Gun?where our favorite spy
did the same thing in an AMC Hornet. The only difference was that that stunt was real
(calculated and designed by honors graduate math students). Here, the effect looks completely
fake. Where's James Bond when we need him?

The film centers on an assassination plot. The storyline is actually of secondary focus. Much
of the film is spent on producing improbable car chases and staging martial arts sequences where
our driver/fighter/soldier seems to always be simultaneously battling multiple foes. Too much action brings the movie to a standstill. The
film unwisely avoids having any interesting
dialogue and discards any thought of character development. There are opportunities squandered
left and right. One of the key characters is a
cute little boy. But the film somehow avoids any cute-kid-in-danger drama. And there is a
fetishistic, teddy-wearing, henchwoman who seems
to look forward to beating her opponent silly.
But when she and the driver arrive at their
inevitable showdown, it appears that even a 40-yr
old virgin could knock her senseless. The best character, a super-hospitable, visiting French detective gets as much action as a dinner guest
eating crème brulee. What a letdown.

And that basically sums up the feelings that I
have for "The Transporter 2? It tries to make up
for its own shortcomings with its glossy look.
The sports cars are exotic. Miami makes a good backdrop in this world of absurd bad guys. The
action is relentless and the pummeling seems to
never end. This formula just doesn't work.
Statham needs a partner to help provide a little balance. There's a scene in which he uses all
sorts of props in a parking garage to defeat a
dozen foes. Immediately, we wish that Jackie
Chan was part of the project. At least, there
would have been a few laughs generated. Here,
for a film as absurd as this is, it just takes
itself too seriously. Drivers wanted. Transport
me to another theatre.

Grade: C-

S: 1 out of 3
L: 1 out of 3
V: 2 out of 3

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