Be Cool Reviewby Ryan Ellis (flickershows AT hotmail DOT com)
March 16th, 2005
a satirical review by Ryan Ellis
March 9, 2005
None of this actually happened...
John Travolta walks into a posh L.A. hotel suite where his castmates and the key crew members are gathered to read Peter Steinfeld's screenplay of Elmore Leonard's novel, 'Be Cool'. Everyone has been waiting for 2 hours for Travolta to arrive, and they give him a standing ovation as he saunters through the door.
TRAVOLTA: Wow! Thanks, everybody. I told Kelly you were all cool cats. She said that without Hackman and Gandolfini and Farina and even Sonnenfeld doin' the directing, this sequel was gonna be some glib, in-joke snore-o-rama. Now I can tell her she couldn't be more wrong! EVERYONE: No. Thank you, John. Whatever you say.
TRAVOLTA: Okay, listen up. F. Gary Gray is gonna be our director and he knows a little somethin' about comedy because he made 'The Negotiator'. Man, that was hilarious!
GRAY: Uh, John, that was a hostage thriller type pic. Any laughs were incidental.
TRAVOLTA: That's cool. Really, Gary, I don't care. Just so long as I get my close-ups. So anyway, let's get this party started.
VINCE VAUGHN: Beeeeeeyotch!
THE ROCK: Vince, what was that about?
VINCE: I'm playin' a wigger, G. Just gettin' into character.
THE ROCK: Well, do that on the set. I've only been acting for a few years and even I know that you don't use up all your good stuff at the table read. TRAVOLTA: (laughing) You two are great! You're gonna make a great comedy team.
KEY CREW MEMBERS: (under their breath) They'll score all the laughs in this picture.
UMA THURMAN: What about me? I'm funny. Where are my one-liners? TRAVOLTA: You're just here to remind people that we did 'Pulp Fiction' together. (taps forehead) That gives me an idea. You! Writer! (Steinfeld looks up, shocked to be acknowledged) Go watch 'Pulp' and work in as much stuff from that movie as you can without Quentin suing my ass. But first, give everybody the rundown.
THE ROCK: I was in that movie!
TRAVOLTA: You just sit there and know your role, wrestler man. And it's a pretty good role too. You don't see Arnold or Sly playin' gay bodyguards. THE ROCK: (proudly beaming) Yeah! This is gonna be my breakthrough... (suddenly stunned) Gay?! Rock can't be gay!
VINCE: You be a ho to the mo, Rocky! The Scorpion King is da Scorpion Queen! (Rock punches out Vince Vaughn, much to the relief of everyone in the room) GRAY: Thank you. We're gonna have to deal with him more than enough on the set. Anymore of that shit now and I'd have to quit.
TRAVOLTA: That was great, Rock. Writer, give him more lines. First, though, bring everybody up to speed on 'Be Cool'.
STEINFELD: Well, you all saw 'Get Shorty', I assume...(some nod, some murmur that they don't watch movies)...and it's basically just the same damn thing, only this time Chili's muscling his way into the music biz. Plus, I'm sure Gary can make the movie too long, even though this story doesn't have a single original moment.
GRAY: Challenge accepted!
TRAVOLTA: (impressed) Nice! My kind of flick. So Uma's my squeeze, Cedric The Entertainer and Harvey Keitel are gonna play my enemies, and let's not forget about Danny DeVito. (looks around, then under the table) Where is that cute little midget producer of ours?
GRAY: Well, he's only in the movie for about 15 seconds and he says he can produce this one from home anyway, so that's where he is. And I might as well tell you that Harvey ain't here either. He's not thrilled to be doing the Dennis Farina thing all over again. He said he's willing to coast through the actual filming, but he didn't want to come today. TRAVOLTA: (grimly) Yeah, Cedric said the same thing. Something about Delroy Lindo and not getting one funny line in the entire flick. Crybaby comedians. UMA: This whole thing is falling apart. 'Kill Bill' was a bitch of a shoot, but at least I got to do some cool killing and stuff. I don't want to be an appendage here. I'm better than Rene Russo.
GRAY: But this is the easiest part you'll ever get. We'll dress you up real nice and you can flirt with John. That's all you have to do. TRAVOLTA: Yeah. And even though it will have nothing to do with anything, we can dance right in the middle of the movie. That'll be worth the price of admission alone.
KEY CREW MEMBERS: (under their breath) No, it won't.
TRAVOLTA: (oblivious) So let's read this bad boy. Writer, you set the scene and we'll take over. Rock, you want to be an actor, right? You read whenever a line comes up that's supposed to be said by somebody who isn't here. THE ROCK: Alriiiiight! Goodbye, wrestling. Who needs that crap? I'm playin' Harvey Keitel now!
TRAVOLTA: Yeah, just for today, though. How many times have I gotta tell you guys... (cell phone rings, he answers with Hollywood panache) Talk at me? What is it, Kelly? Yeah, I know I said I'd be home for dinner, but I've got a career to revive...again. (listens) Oh, alright. (hangs up) The wife said I gotta go. You know what? Screw the script! We're all so brilliant, we can just make it up as we go along. The movie will sail along effortlessly on my charisma as I reprise one of my greatest roles. I'm sure of it. If Clooney can do it in 'Ocean's Twelve', I can do it better in 'Be Cool'. See you on set!
Everyone smiles until Travolta leaves, then they grumble because this is the 10th time they've rescheduled this meeting already. Drinks are thrown, papers are torn up, and everybody storms out the door. Well, except for The Rock and Andre 3000, who are both grinning and hi-fiving because they're happy to be working with real actors. Realizing she's not even been mentioned once in this review, the beautiful Christina Milian pipes up just as the angry mob is filing out the door...
CHRISTINA: Doesn't anybody want to hear me sing?
VINCE: (coming to and struggling to his knees) Oh, fly girl, you the shiznit. Let's hear you wail!
She breaks into a cheesy pop ballad as everyone but a break-dancing Vince Vaughn have left the room. From somewhere far away, Elmore Leonard is literally kicking himself.
ELMORE: (sadly) Look at what I have created.
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