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012 Tyrannical Era. The world fell into fascist hands. Many people tried to escape the terror by cresting colonies in space, but seemingly in vain. During the oppression, a young boy was separated from his sister, the only family he has known. Four years later, the boy grew and became a youthful soldier. He is Jasper Hawkes, 2nd lieutenant of the Space Colonial Army and pilot of the AGNUS GUNDAM. He thought that this is his opportunity to find his missing sister, but he will find more than what he has bargained for.

The space colonies and the rebels on Earth continued to defend themselves against the fascist world, scarcely knowing that they are not the only ones fighting for freedom and justice, for a group of small extremists are shattering the fascists apart using their GUNDAMs..........................................

Please comment. I accept constructive criticisms.

sorry but gundam 00 is kinda close to this already, and endless waltz is close kinda as well

Alright. Constructive Criticism firing away.

While there is a generally Gundam-like feel to the story idea, there's a lot of things that I don't think work very well together:

-First off, why is it called Gundam HALO? Generally, Gundam shows are named after something highly relevant to the series (for instance, Gundam Z had the Zeta Gundam as its main 'hero mech'.) Your synopsis said nothing about why it was called Gundam HALO... if there is a proper reason, it'd be interesting to hear. If there is no reason, it might work better if you chose a name that had to do with something in the story.

-012 Tyrannical Era sounds like a really weird Era name, seeing as the people who name the Calendar initials (in this case, TE for Tyrannical Era) wouldn't be calling themselves tyrants.

-What is the organizational name of said fascists? You know, like Zeon or ZAFT in the other shows... not as if those were necessarily fascist themselves... but your 'evil' government still needs a name.

-Why was the colony plan in vain? Did the 'fascists' lead hostile takeovers on the colonies? Were the colonies destroyed by the fascists during construction? Was the funding for the colonies seized by the fascists? There needs to be what and why applied here.

-How powerful are Gundams (or in this case, GUNDAMs) in comparison to standard Mobile Suits? More powerful? Far more powerful? Cosmetic differences only? This also ties into the next point...

-Why is Jasper only a 2nd Lieutenant and yet he is allowed to pilot the AGNUS GUNDAM? Is he incredibly gifted? Is the AGNUS GUNDAM coded only to respond to his commands? Was there the classic 'young man accidentally gets into Prototype MS and beats the bejesus out of opposing forces' kind of scene? Or maybe...

- ...Is Jasper something of a 'new breed' of human or soldier? Does such a concept exist in the story? By 'new breed' I mean things such as Newtypes or SEED Bearers.

-What's the tech specifications of the Colonies and the fascists. What are their Mass-produced suits? What are their Prototype Suits? Do they have any secret military projects in development?



That's all I can think of for now, of the largest gaps in your story synopsis. If you take all those in mind, I'm sure you'll have at least a decent start to making your own Gundam storyline.

good criticism

and i dont really like the name jasper srug

HALO means Human Advanced Learning Operation. It is somewhat similar to SEED factor. It is not the tyrants who tagged that era, it was the colonists who tried to escape from them. AD is still used on Earth. Fascists are called World Fascist Federation or WFF. The WFF started to attack the colonies one by one, stealthily. Each Gundams has each own abilities. For example, AGNUS is somewhat like strike with three plus "specter packs" and is made of vendettium, a metal that is slightly weaker to gundanium but far more heat and beam resistant, even surviving a beam attack stronger than wing zero's buster rifles. Jasper is a bio-engineered human not named yet. he is a HALO bearer. for now, the most addvanced mass produced units by the WFF's are called STINGRAIDS.

Here are the other gundams:

KYRIE: a gundam similar to wing zero plus a sattelite cannon that works without a sattelite. Piloted by Jacinth Mayers.

GLORIA: A sword bashing gundam similar to exia but looks like a girl and much more powerful. piloted by Lucia hawkes a.k.a. Lucy Nakata, Jasper's lost sister

REQUIEM: has two modes based on starcraft's high and dark templars. Piloted by Paul Bryans.

CREDO: a heavy artillery gundam with beam cannons, missile pods, gatling guns, etc. piloted by crimson eastwood.

SANCTUS: a gundam that is similar to starcraft's ghost. can snipe, summon a.i. mechs,use cloak, and launch nukes. piloted by kyle charles.



these guys are from the extremists faction called heaven's choir.

i forgot, AGNUS is the weakest of all GUNDAMS in the story unless piloted by someone who has the HALO factor.

the factions are: United Cosmic Alliance, The World Fascist Federation, Kingdom of Kalayaan (currently known as spratly islands.) which never fell into fascist hands, and the heaven's choir.

Interesting. The only thing that bugs me is each Gundam description as 'being like' an existing one.

Are you going more for focus on the gundams, or more towards oldskool focusing on soldiers from both sides and the soldiers who pilot MP suits?

Originally posted by jake hamoy
a sattelite cannon that works without a sattelite

Yeah. Um. Also that one bugs me. If it's just a huge beamgun, then it's a huge beamgun. Like Hyaku Shiki's Mega-Bazooka.

Actually, I'll point out the trouble with each Gundam, now that I see them all...

KYRIE GUNDAM- Seems just like a mix between XX Divider Gundam and Wing Zero.

GLORIA- Nothing in particular, besides what I've already said.

REQUIEM- What can I say? I don't play Protoss. Still, would be interesting to describe the abilities in an original way.

CREDO- Buster Gundam + Heavyarms Gundam. Er... yeah.

SANCTUS- Summoning A.I mechs... how would you scientifically explain that. Unless maybe you use BIT systems like in Gundam X... anyway. Physalis comes to mind at the mention of the nuke launching.

actually, i focus more on charaters than the gundams on both sides. actually, i loosely based them on existing gundams. in fact, i am trying to pit one army gundam vs. 5 gundams vs. the battalions of enemy armies. it's a free for all fight. requiem has two modes: the stealthy invisible gundam wielding staff with one beam scythe on one end and a solid state scythe on the other. the second form can cause electrical disruptions similar to cyclops system but is less powerful. summoning a.i. mechs is possible since the heaven's choir has a secret base that produces small nukes and a.i. mechs in pod. they are financed by an unknown billionairre.

Nearly every existing Gundam production has excellent character development as well as solid hardware. One doesn't negate the other.

Besides the slightly derivative Gundams, I'd say you've got something going here. =)

thanks. i never knew physalis can launch nukes. is physalis the gpo2a in gundam battle assault 2????

here are the characters for now:

Jasper Hawkes: a lad who never knew his parents. He survive an assault in kalayaan by fascists but was separated from his sister. thinks that being a soldier will help him find her sister.

Chitose Sakuraba: Jasper's operations partner. has secret feelings for jasper but is too shy to express it. pilots the Valkyrie high speed interstellar mobile armor.
Jacinth Mayers: once a young veteran soldier sent to middle east. he was trained since childhood how to fight.

Lucia Hawkes a.k.a. Lucy Nakata: Jasper's sister. she is a part time pop sensation at day and an extremist by night.

Paul Bryans: nothing is much known about this pe3rson but he likes playing arcade games.

Kyle Charles: AN ENIGMATIC PERSON KNOWN TO HAVE TWO PERSONALITIES.

Crimson Eastwood: a Person who is loved by a circus star named Solace. Almost apathetic.

any other comments, suggestions, criticisms?

Originally posted by jake hamoy
thanks. i never knew physalis can launch nukes. is physalis the gpo2a in gundam battle assault 2???? yes, it is the "physalis"(the super attack doesn't look anything like it did in operation:stardust memory). what you have here is good, but you have to change/update your gundams. the thing with gundams is that they are state of the art concepts of science at the time the writers/artists made them, for example, in the 90's the GAU-X technology was being upgraded so thats why the heavyarms kai had 6 of them. gundam 00 is based on alternate sources of renewable energy, hense the g particle drives and space elevators. so far, rail gun technology has only been touched on in seed/destiny but not too much. all i'm saying is, gundams are all about the next scientific breakthrough applied to mobile suits.

i think you are right. how about using advanced metal storms and cold fusion reactors in some of the MS. would it be alright? plasma energy?

is cybernetics enhancements, repair drones, nano and genetical enhancements and cyborgs have the right to enter the gundam world for advancement's sake?

Originally posted by jake hamoy
here are the characters for now:

Jasper Hawkes: a lad who never knew his parents. He survive an assault in kalayaan by fascists but was separated from his sister. thinks that being a soldier will help him find her sister.

Chitose Sakuraba: Jasper's operations partner. has secret feelings for jasper but is too shy to express it. pilots the Valkyrie high speed interstellar mobile armor.
Jacinth Mayers: once a young veteran soldier sent to middle east. he was trained since childhood how to fight.

Lucia Hawkes a.k.a. Lucy Nakata: Jasper's sister. she is a part time pop sensation at day and an extremist by night.

Paul Bryans: nothing is much known about this pe3rson but he likes playing arcade games.

Kyle Charles: AN ENIGMATIC PERSON KNOWN TO HAVE TWO PERSONALITIES.

Crimson Eastwood: a Person who is loved by a circus star named Solace. Almost apathetic.
Jacinth Mayers sounds hella cool

thanks.

and he's gonna give jasper a hell of a fight! (since they are not allies at first and are rivals).

here are the MS updates:

U.C.A. -S.C.D.I. : GOPHER MS (Guardian Of Peace, Harmony and Equal Rights)- a creep ms that can operate in space and on earth. equiped with shield, beam rifle, beam sabers, shield claws, and napalm flamethrower.

Kalayaan: JAGUAR unit. an MS equipped with arm blades, thick armor and hyper boosters. very fast even its heavy.

The Kalayaan Mobile Suit sounds like an interesting take on the MS-08 Dom suit.

And I take it the GOPHER is a commander/Limited Production MS?

Originally posted by SoylentBlue
The Kalayaan Mobile Suit sounds like an interesting take on the MS-08 Dom suit.

And I take it the GOPHER is a commander/Limited Production MS?



it is massed produced but it could be the most powerful mass produced mobile suit unknown to W.F.F. it is also the most costly of the currently massed produced ms. however, the gopher here is fully equipped and upgraded. most gophers are only equipped with beam m-guns (depending on the situation, which can be compared to C.E. zakus

new update: not final yet
AGNUS (unspectered)
Equipments:Vendettium armor
Ultima Jammer Canceller (cancels all types of jammers)
Ultra sensitive anti stealth sensors {later added
in the story}
Weapons: 60 mm. CIWS x 2 (mounted on head)
70 mm beam steyr AUG x 1 (optional weapon, hand
carried when used
300 mm ION CANNON X 1(mounted on torso)
3 m solid state combat knives x 2 (stored in hip armor)

any other comments? reactions? suggestions? constructive criticisms?

I wanna see Halo lotflz. Wenz teh Master Cheef gnna show up?

ok. maybe one of these days. i still need to perfect each of the ms designs. the main characters are done (but still without color)

ME WANTS T3H MASTER CH33E3E3E3E3EEEE333FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF NOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

anyway, here is PULSE AGNUS
Equipments: the same as unspectered AGNUS
Weapons: The same as Unspectered plus 9m beam sabers x 2, beam and shock absorbing shield x1(attached to left arm), 12m solid state thermal anti ship sword (stored and attached to shield, pops out when used),

SWORD AGNUS
equipment: the same as unspectered AGNUS
weapons: the same as unspectered form (but beam steyr AUG is not available) plus 13m combinable solid state thermal anti ship swords x 2, beam and shock absorbing buckler x2, beam boomerangs x2.

BUST AGNUS
equipment: same as unspectered form
Weapons: same as unspectered (beam steyr AUG not available) plus 200m beam cannons x2, JAVELIN missile launchers x 20, 90mm linear cannons x 2, 70mm napalm flame throwers x2.

VALKYRIE AGNUS
EQUIPMENT: same as unspectered foem
weapons: same as unspectered form plus 9m beam katars x2, cannon and blade pods x4 (each equipped with 50 mm bweam cannons x2 and 7m beam sabers x 2), helldart homing rocket launchers x 30

new characters:
Chairman Gerald Du Galle= Chairman of UCA. he is always compared to
the "fictional" Gilbert Dullindal, but emphasizes that he personally believes that no human has the right to control other humans' fate.

Princess Hotaru Peacewill= first princess of kalayaan kingdom. she inherited the kingdom from her foster father who fought for independence from all who nations who currently claims the islands.

any other comments????

new update: the timeline is changed to after revolution since i found that soylent eyes is correct about the timeline's biased name

new characters: souko todo: a type b newtype ( type a is a psychic similar to tiffa in gundam x, type b is super soldier similar to gundam 00 and type c is a versatile, "civllian" type newtype, similar to coordinators" in gundam seed) serving the wff

mason aerie: an ace pilot of wff. may be egomaniac to some extent.

is there a doomsday weapon and or a colony drop in your story?

yes, and one of those had destroyed 1/10 of the world's population.

actually, i finished created th gopher design. its like a zaku with the crests of aeagis and dagger.