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Hey there...i came up with this REALLY weird idea as i was writing part of an RP thread with SailorLeo in DMC Bloopers

I was bored and i thought this would tide us over until the DVD comes out...

Basically its kind of a comedy take on The minds of the cast and crew of Pirates of the Caribbean ...whilst they were filming DMC

Kiddies, we shall be writing the diary entries of anyone and everyone...

Johnny
keira
orlando
Gore
Jack Davenport

You name it, we will add it

Its just a bit of fun really, and it is in no way real...although if Kevin Mcnally wishes to wear womens underwear then good for him...hes a brave man

I've done the first eight...anyone feel free to add in anyone elses' diary entry
Ive done it as a day by day diary...just incase there is any confusion lol

Also, BIG thankyou to PirateDiva who looked over all of these for me before i posted your special girl!!

The diary entries will follow this post

Johnny;

Day One:

Dear Ichy;

So we're back again...the good ol' Caribbean...
The delightful keira is back with us again...but sadly so is 'sadsack' ...
yup thats right;
Blunderous Bloom is back with us to give his unwittingly as-boring-as-watching-grass-grow character Wee Willy Winky another go...

Poor sod, It's gonna go down like a lead balloon..i can just see it now...

The day started off well...nothing happened on the production front but interestingly enough i heard some weird-ass stories from Jack Davenport...the English are really not as prudeish as our American films make them out to be...
The things he's taught me to do with a cucumber are unmentionable, i tell you!

I'll never be able to look at the man in the same way again...

keira
Day Two
Dear Diary-that-isnt-Ichy;

We had a really good night last night! It was just like old times again!
We all went out for a meal as a cast to celebrate being back; even Orlando seemed to raise a smile.
I don't know whats wrong with him lately, he's got a face like a smacked backside!
It was so good to see Johnny again, too. He never seems to age...which is good considering he doesn't use any anti-aging products...or so he tells me...

Kev (You know....Gibbs) was telling the whole table about an interview he was doing in the States for a TV show, and when the interviewer forgot what his name was, Kev decided to stay as silent as the grave for the rest of the Interview...so it wasn't an interview really, it was more like a competition to see who would crack first...
I'm sitting here reading the script for the film...and i have to say that Elizabeth certainly has alot of scenes with Jack in this one...

Good!
He's more entertaining that Will anyway!
....Just don't let Orlando know i said that...i gets very defensive about Will...even though its a losing battle...

Jack Davenport

Day Three

Dear Norrie - And yes i'm aware i've named my Diary after myself...so sue me!

We were filming the Tortuga fight scene today!
It was really exciting...being hit over the head with a bottle a hundred times over...
*Ouch!*....yup, it's deffinately a migrane i'm getting...
...On second thoughts...i think half the time time that Keira was using an actual bottle...
I knew she had it in for me!
Spoke to Johnny on the first day back. We were sat there in the tiny little outdoor canteen just grabbing caviar on toast (as us widely known and established actors do) when we got onto the topic of English Prudism...
It is a matter close to my heart as;
1. I'm English
2. I Am almost certainly not a prude....in the slightest...SailorLeo will tell you that.
Well lets just cut the story short and say that by the end of the conversation it was JOHNNY who came off as the Prude...he hadn't even heard of some of the stuff i had mentioned...
...Ha! ... and he thinks he's a big tough man just because he trashed a couple of Hotel Rooms in his youth...Watch out Johnny, Jack's coming through and he's Mightier than thou!!!!!

...Ah damnit...they've called me back in...apparently the bottle scene wasn't good enough...

Heithans!!!!!

Orlando

Day Four

Dear Nobody... - Because no one seems to listen to me anyway!

Today was ok i guess...nothing spectacular happened...well...i met my dad for the first time, but that's about it...
Oh sorry, i'm supposed to show some emotion there...but i really couldn't give a rats-ass!
Keira and Johnny have got all the good scenes together! They've not filmed any of them yet, but i can tell they're really excited about it....which bites because i'm stuck with the boring time-filler scenes that the writers put in just so they can devide up the Jack and Elizabeth chemistry...
Me? Bitter? Certainly not!...well...maybe just a little bit...
If they give my character something interesting to do...like use a bow and arrow...or maybe if he was Elvish....THAT would be interesting...
...I knew i should have begged them to use my blond wig....I looked so much more attractive with Barbie hair...
But no...he's boring old Will...He does nothing and the only thing that shows his feelings are his vacant expressions...which in my opinion are worthy of an Oscar...
Maybe i should ask Gore for some better action scenes....I mean, Jack has wenches...why can't Will have wenches?...well, he has Elizabeth but at the moment even JACK has her!
I'm going to the makeup room....the women respect me and my even complexion in there....

Kevin McNally

Day Five

Dear SpongeBob

Ive just got back from 'the black pearl'! They've used a bigger boat this time...and it actually has decent toilets on it! ...It doesn't help the sea sickeness though....
Johnny has the wind in his sails about something...maybe its th madness of his character finally coming out of him...or maybe he really is going mad....
In the middle of a scene, Johnny decided he was going to strip off from the waist up (including the wig!) and take a dip in the Ocean...god knows why, but there must be some method to his madness because when he got back he was even crazier than what he was when he started! ... it all helps at the end of the day, though.
I'm going on a bar crawl tonight with Lee and Mckenzie (Pintel and Ragetti)....should be fun considering I can drink them both under the table!
..Just don't tell Keira...since she's been legal to drink she's become the next beer King...Its scaring me to be honest...when a woman can down a bottle of beer quicker than a man, you know theres something wrong with the world....
Its bad luck, if you ask me....

Gore Verbinski

Day Six

Dear Diary - Yes, I'm aware that is a boring name...but I'm a boring kind of guy!

Lots of outtakes today...
Imagine the scene;
Johnny tied to a pole, dangling face down with a fire inches from his face...
Then imagine the cast and crew going for a break and Leaving him there....I swear i think i almost saw real tears come from his eyes...

We got Orlando aswell.
Those hamster cages on the Pelegostos Island weren't really supposed to roll, but we did it anyway...and then we told Orlando we only wanted HIM in the shot, and everyone else needed to get out....and then we told him he just had to run inside the ball and see how long he could keep doing it for....
It took him half an hour before he realised that we weren't laughing WITH him, and that we were laughing AT him....
I think the name 'Hamster Man' has been thrown around the set a few times, now....
Keira is a good sport though....Ted and Terry decided to joke withher, and told her they were writing in a Sex scene for Elizabeth and Jack....she took it extremely well....TOO WELL if you ask me....
...Imagine her surprise when we tell her to flip to the last couple of pages in the script...I don't think 'Glee' is the exact word to call it...but it resembled her jumping up and down with the money signs rolling in her eyes...

Keira
Day Seven

Dear diary-that-isnt-Ichy

A KISS SCENE?!
Between Elizabeth and Jack?!
OMG if that doesnt make the film hit the 1Billion mark in the boxoffice then i don't know what will!!!
I KNEW there was something weird going on when they did all of my scenes with Johnny...
Not that i mind...Orlando is a sweetheart; but lately he's been this moping mess on the set...i don't think he likes the idea of missing out on the action...
I was talking to Johnny yesterday and he said that he thinks its just 'sour grapes' with Orlando...he wants the action scenes and he isn't really getting any this time around...action in both senses of the word!
I don't think Johnny knows about this kissing thing...if he did i think he would take the piss far more than he has been doing...
Only yesterday i was sat in my trailer when he barges through the door with a television and a Playstation box...apparently the electric had gone on his yacht so until it was fixed he was setting up camp in MY trailor!
Thankfully he was only there for two hours...and i beat his ass on 'need for speed'....hes such a sore loser!

Johnny

Day Eight
Dear Ichy

Two hours! For two hours i was stuck on a sofa with stuffed Unicorns and insense candles that smelled like butterscotch!
The bulb had gone in one of the lamps on my yacht, so i tried to fix it...and almost gave myself an electric shock!
WARNING:
NEVER TRY TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB WHEN YOU HAVE NOT TURNED OFF THE ELECTRICITY!
..I was VERY pissed off because i had almost kitted up my favourite car on 'need for speed'...and then because the electricity went off the game went off too!
So i collected my 52" television and my playstation and toddled over to Keira's Trailor.
I would have gone to Orlando, but he can't take it like a man when he loses....so Keira was like my only option.
...So for two traumatic hours i was subjected to the most horrific sights and sounds in the WORLD!

I mean...WHO still listens to the SPICE GIRLS?!
...And since when did Billy Idol come back into fashion?! Her walls are covered in him...which is REALLY weird if you ask me, because the man is older than I am!
Don't get me wrong...I love the girl to bits...but shes one weird child....God knows how Jack D manages to put up with her when she visits him in England...

LOL....Very Funny stuff i love it!!! LOL....LOL...LOL!!!!

lol, those are so funny!!

you truly have a gift!

LMFAO, ROFL, LMFAO AGAIN!!!

TOO FUNNY!

But, I'd imagine Keira being a sort of Michael Buble fan, and EWWW, SPICE GIRLS?!

Yuck, but funny.

Omg i loved the Spice Girls when they were in their PRIME...lol!!

more Jack D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *smiles the cute smile o' death*

God that was so good. I was LMAO.. you are really good at this. BTW I used to like to spice Girls, that was 5 yrs ago.

Jack D

Day nine

Dear Norrie

How the hell do i put up with that girl when she visits me in england?!

She bursts into my trailor this morning, belting out a rendition of 'Oh What A Beautiful Morning!' and expects me to be HAPPY about it?!

She seriously has mental issues!

I was chatting to Kev today whilst shooting my first scene on 'the black pearl'....thats right kiddies! Daddies got himself a new ship to play on!

Anyway...back to the point...Kev looked a little worse for wear...i put it down to the swaying of the boat...but on closer inspection i actually realised that it wasnt the boat that was swaying....but KEV!

He'd been out for a night on the Raz...and unfortunately Lee and Mackenzie had got the better of him....who knew there was a 'stringfellows' in the Caribbean?!

I was about to keep my trap well and truly shut, until Johnny came over in all his Jack-attire...he was doing the walk and everything...which seemed a little too much for poor old kev...seeing Johnny swaggering like that actually made him sick!

Fancy that....Jack Sparrow ACTUALLY made someone sick!
...no one ever threw up when i wore that Ice Cream cone on my head...so i cant have looked that stupid...

Anyway I've got to dash...id say its to get somewhere important...but i really just need to Pee...

LOL...MoRE MoRe mOrE!!

he's goind to the bathroom eh? *raises eyebrow and gives sneaky grin*....yay! ish good, now if you'll excuse me i have a date with destiny....lol

LMAO...ur too funny Sailor!!

Keira;

Day Ten

Dear Diary-that-isnt-Ichy

Whistle while you work...Will Turner is a Twirp...

Ive GOT to stop doing that!
Ah....what the hell...I sang it, but you were ALL thinking it!

Aboard the 'pearl again today...its funny how un-immune i still am to Johnny's hilarious renditions of Shakespear WHILST still in Jack Sparrow mode....He just about Killed me when he started doing Juliet's parts....

Its un-natural how high he can get his voice to go...

We did an interesting scene today...when we did the first take i didnt realise exactly what Elizabeth meant when she said she could 'handle a sword'....but after half an hour of Johnny giving me 'the look' and the not so subtle sexually-related hand signs...well, lets just say i caught on...
Gah i'm loving this new turn of events for my character! I was chatting to the makeup lady about it today...although i dont think she really understood because the more i spoke about it and talked about johnny, the more she seemed to make my face look like a clown's....

AND what a surprise to see that when i got back to my trailor last night that not only johnny was STILL sat there playing 'Smackdown' ....but so was Gore, Jack and Ted too!!!

A woman can just not get her privacy, i tell you!!


I asked them what they were doing and they completely ignored me!...apparently women fall on deaf ears as soon as a piece of mind-stimulating electrical equipment is turned on....

...and they say men are mulit-functional....

the only thing multifunctional about a man is the ability to stand up AND pee!!!

LOL....OOOO I Love it!! LMAO!!! handle a sword...lol!! makeup lady....toooo funny!!

LOL I'm gonna be using this quote whenever my fiance pisses me off.
Thanks for the idea. T maria

lmao no problem misty

glad to be of service lol

Ted

Day Eleven

Dear Riddles

The bloody cheek of it!
I wouldnt mind but he started off as a dogs body to begin with!

I'm so pissed right now i cant tell you...
Mr -i'm-orlando-therefore-i-deserve-more-action-scenes-and-i-want-to-wear-my-blond-wig-Bloom has only tried to have his cake an eat it!

He strolled into the office like he was floating on air...his hair whipping around his face....i should have turned the fan off, really.

He DEMANDED-Yes, DEMANDED that his character be more heroic and more 'sparrow-like' in the film...

I think he's missed the concept of 'money maker' ....and Will was never the money maker to begin with...

But Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!
(Just for reference: That was an evil laugh and i did not intend to try and communicate with Bwa ha ha on the boards in any way...not after i put the restraining order on her, anyway...)

Little does Orlando know, but there may be a few...erm....'cut backs' in the future....and we've got to think of a way to do it...

wouldn't it be really coincidental if Will's name just happens to get 'redundant' by the side of it....

hehehehe...yes im an evil b***ard...but just remember that if you try to piss on my bonfire, then i will piss on yours!

man, can't wait for the next jack davenport post...lol

Johnny;

DayTwelve

Dear Ichy

Shes been asleep for about an hour now...after practically feeding her that malt whiskey she was out like a light!

She got the hump about me having the boys over for a 'games' night...i told her it was never easy living with a man!

The electricity board called and told me that the boat wouldnt be ready for another week or so...so ive taken camp in Keiras lving area in her Trailor...to her utter disgust.

To HER utter disgust?!
I'M the one who should be disgusted!!!!

Atleast i dont leave my booby-vests lying around the place!
I tell you, the amount of pink frilly thongs i've found myself making friends with, its amazing that she can have house guests!

Kev went about an hour ago...i think he still had a hangover....he was turing green...so either he was still suffereing or he's been on the 'wackie-baccie'.... which wouldnt be the first time, if you get my meaning.....

And now theres just Ted left...who is finding it hard to actaully put down the control pad....even if i killed him i wouldnt be able to prise it from his lifeless fingers.....hogger!

Maybe i should throw a frilly thong at him...that'd be enough to cause a heart attack.....

LMAO This was my fav line.

Oh and the Ted one was funny as hell.

LMFAO, THONGS!

HAHAHA, I NEVER EVER THOUGHT OF THAT!

HILARIOUS, SOOOO,OOOOOOO,OOOO FUNNY!

lol frilly thongs!!

do orlando!
(excuse my pushyness)

Jack D

DayThirteen

Dear Norrie

What a day!
I did my first drunk scene! i think i handled it quite well considering i WAS actually drunk!!

It was johnnys fault...i said i needed the rum in my hands, and obviously he saw fit to give me a REAL bottle...but i didnt care after the first few gulps....strong stuff!!!

So there i was frollicking about in the background when Keira and johnny were having this really intense scene about some stupid bloody compass...i really find it hard to understand storylines in this film...how a child is supposed to understand, i dont know!

I dont really remember much after that i'm sorry to say...although when i did eventually come around from my alcohol-induced coma everyone said it was the best work i had ever done!

Bloody typical!...it'll just teach me to get absolutely Legless in the future...

hehe...legless...isnt that the character orlando played in lord of the flies??? ...damn, sorry..i think im still a little tipsy.....

Zippidy do dar....Zippidy Ay....

and i bet that song sticks in your head now that you've read it!!!!

See....i'm babbling again now...

need sleep....or alcohol....or both.....

you know what they say....in for a penny, in for a pound....

yes! the davenport!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha!! lord of the flies

LOL!

MMMMMMMMM...........Ice Cream.

I love Jack Davenport, he so rocks. And I love the way Norrie is so high and mighty even when he was degraded to the lowest of the low, for him, a bloody pirate.

Lol. Genius.

wait..are we discussing mah siggy! 'cause it is genius...

what does it say in the lower left hand corner?

YES YES YES. I love you siggy.

It's so wonderful, the new Norrie meets Jack meets the old Norrie. Funny, and very smexy.

Jack Davenport is THE best.

and how...any ways....it says VN in the corner (SOMEONE FINALLY NOTICED!!!!!!!!!!!) any how it stands for viva norrington! this is put on all my norrie sigs protesting his possible demise...

Keira

Day Fourteen

Dear Diary that isnt ichy

Have you ever woken up to a man snoring so loud that you thought there may be a possible earthquake outside??

Times that by 1000 and you have Mr Depp in the mornings!
I mean honestly...how Vanessa puts up with him is beyond me!
AND to top it all off i found him lying there clutching one of my thongs!...hes getting weirder and weirder as time goes by....

I made eggs and bacon this morning...for myself considering i wasnt planning on johnny getting up BEFORE midday...and then i suddenly remembered that he had a date with 'the kracken'...

they've decided to do the slime scene early because everything is hectic and up in the air at the moment...even my few scenes with orlando have been put on hold!

So i attempt to wake the beast...but when he's asleep its like he's died and gone to heaven...theres no waking him at all!!!

So i decided to eat my breakfast AND turn on his playstation...but i must have done something wrong with the memory card because i deleted something called 'do not delete or i will chop your bollocks off' ....

...well...considering i HAVE no bollocks it obviously did not apply to me...

so i deleted it...and it was as if a siren had gone off in the room!!
JUST from pressing that tiny button, Johnny was fully awake and absolutely furious with me!

Honestly, you wouldnt think he was a man!

actually....yes you would...that is exactly what you would think he was...

Hes not speaking to me now anyway...and hes put little post-it notes around MY trailor telling ME what i can and cannot touch!!!!!!!

The only thing post-it free is my pavaroti disk collection...

wonder why...

man...that's too funny, it reminds me of my brother....

LMAO your brother?!

johnny's behavior....

ah...the annoying kid with the post-its i getcha lol!

lol-too funny!!

sailorleo-i noticed it a long time ago, just never asked
lol-viva norrington, thats very...original

yeah you deff don't want me handling these diaries when your on your trip.....i'll totally crash Jack's diary....lol *evil thoughts concoct*

you can crash it all you like lol!!

and anyone should REALLY feel free to crash anyone else's diaries too

its no fun with just me writing them lol

it's fun for me too read them lol

More, More, More

i need sleep....lol

ill have to do some more tomorrow my eyes are attempting to close on melol!

au revoir!!

and i shall post more on here AND DMC Bloopers tomorrow

sailor if u want you can carry on with out me and ill catchup and write tomorrow

and i WANT to see a norrie diary entry from you dear lol

and i want everyone else to do a diary entry for someone too....im beggin you...im at ur mercy....make a tired girl very happy

fine fine, sit tight

Ok you have a good nite and thanks for the posts. They were really funny.

Originally posted by mmoviejunkie
lol-too funny!!

sailorleo-i noticed it a long time ago, just never asked
lol-viva norrington, thats very...original if that was sarcasm...your face! if it was genuine, thank yee!

Jack D

Day 27

Dear Norrie

Guess who has to fight Bloom, you gusses it, me. And it isn't bad enough i have to fight him, it's that...well... I HAVE TO DO IT ATOP A BLOODY GIANT WHEEL! Oh the indignity of it all, oh well, I hope the fans appreciate this.

On another note, I'm beginning to suspect that I'm not alone, and yes i know i'm a celebrity and all (even a minor one at that), but I can't shake this feeling that I'm being followed, I mean even my stuffs beginning to go missing, it started small, pens paper, now enitre bed sheets? Maybe it's Keira trying to pull a fast one over me....Yeah that's it...I'm getting tired I'm going to go to bed before i accidently discover the secret to life, that made no sense what so ever...GAH! I must sleep!

Originally posted by sailorleo
if that was sarcasm...your face! if it was genuine, thank yee!

lol!!! idk, it was sort of half and half

Originally posted by mmoviejunkie
lol!!! idk, it was sort of half and half lol...then ou get this.... that's sorta an in between smiley? lol

lol, i'm guessing that person following him is you?

Originally posted by sailorleo
lol...then ou get this.... that's sorta an in between smiley? lol

lol

OMG T PURE BRILLIANCE , THIS IS WONDERFUL , I LOVE THE ENTRY'S BY KEIRA. this is srlsy hilarious it actually feels like you reading their actual diaries.

yeah I love them too...they're really well written and FUNNY!

you guys this is a great thread, I have spent the entire morning readingthese and LMAO. I love it keep it Up Keira, Johnny and Jack's entry's are fab!!

these are hilarious! looooves it!

LMAO at sailor!!!

see, i told you that you could do a great job!!!!



lets see.....


Johnny

Day sixteen

Dear Ichy

I am in protest people!
I have gone four days without speaking a word to the irritating little toe-rag, and i am not going to stop now!

She deleted it..she ACTUALLY deleted it! And she SMILED at me afterwards too...oh the indignity of it!!!!

Sadsack told me to cool down...but in fairness it WAS his idea to do the post-it notes...he does come to some use sometimes...

AND to top it all off SHE used all the hot water in the shower this morning! ...I mean i know the girl can smell a bit, but come on! Half an hour showers?! ...Atleast she didnt hear me screaming like a little girl when the cold water hit me....

Keira

day seventeen

dear diary that isnt ichy

He screamed like such a girl!

Orlando told me that johnny isnt talking to me....honestly, what are we? 5 yearolds?

Well if he wants to play it like that....things are going to get VERY tense around here...

But i know for a fact the post-it notes were not johnnys idea...even he isnt THAT immature...

So fine, two can play at this 'i'm-ignoring-you-for-aslong-as-i-can-until-you-crack' game!
I've told orlando to tell Johnny that it wasnt MY fault that i deleted the game...It was a slight technical fault...

And i also told Kev to tell orlando to tell johnny that he smells funny....not literally, but just because acting like a child suits me right now.....

Nw...wheres jack gone....and that strange looking gremlin-like girl that keeps following him in the shadows....atleast they're still kinda talking to me.....

LOL...whats funny is that 2day i was watching COTBP with the Kiera and Jack commentaries and Gore and Johnny commentaries...and they in a wierd way have that kind of bond where they make fun of each other like that...lol!!

Like in Johnny's commentaries he says that he teased Kevin McNally a couple times!

And Johnny also says That their was a scene where he wanted to tell Orlando "Did it hurt?" and then Orlando would say "Did what Hurt?" then Johnny would say "You know the SNIP SNIP!" LMAO when i heard Johnny saying that i was ROFL!!! And then Gore said "ya then Orlando was like why do they always make fun of me?" Then Gore and Johnny started laughing...Then Gore asked "Does Orlando really think that?" it was hilarious i couldnt stop laughing!!!

Or when the movie first starts Gore tells Johnny "Orlando wanted so desprately to be like you, but i had to kept reminding him no Orlando your a dork"- Once again i hit the floor laughing!! Has anyone heard that on the commentaries!!!

LMAO...T.MAria u never cease to disappoint!! Great Stuff....keep them coming Love!! Told you this was a great idea!!

Orlando

day seventeen

dear nobody


So im supposed to tell who to let them know what now?

I hate being piggy in the middle....but i guess thats what the 'second man' is really.......the one thats there to fill the gaps...

I'm a bitter, bitter man....

On set before with lee and mckenzie who were signing autographs for the costume department...oddly enough the women put their pens and paper away when i arrived and quickly walked off....probably too busy to get any more autographs, i suppose...

I'm going out tonight with kev, lee and mackenzie... should be a good knees-up considering kev walks funny the morning after the night before...actually...come to think of it...i'm not so sure thats a good thing....

Damn theres jack again...since hes ditched the ice-cream look hes got more ladies honing after him than i have!!!!

Life hates me...i'd end it all, but why waste such a pretty face??

Right...i'd better go and give johnny keiras message...

what was it again....

oh yeah!

Kev

day seventeen

dear diary


....johnny told keira to orlando to tell me that i smell like a farmers overalls....

i dont know how to take this news...I mean,

being called insane? I can deal with...

Being called old? Well...its better to be over the hill than buried underneath it, i always say...

But being called smelly??

.....i think i need to be alone with my thoughts right now....

and take a nice long bath....

johnny

Day seventeen


Dear Ichy


Apparently I'm a crazed loonatic who portreys my characters as being gender confused....oh, and i forgot to mention that when i eat i make a really noisy sound!

Geez, i wish people would say it to my face!

Kev's told keira to tell orlando the wonderful news....

and also, apparently i think Gore Verbinski is a blockbuster wannabe...

All evidence to the contrary....

Gore

Day whatever

dear diary

Why the hell was i brought into your petty little arguments??

Children...

Keira

day seventeen

dear diary that isnt ichy

I'm very surprised nothing has been said about me....

...Although ALOT of the female staff have been eyeing me up inappropriatley....so ive decided that instead of changing into my costume in the costume department, that i will use the womens lavatories instead...atleast that way there are no prying eyes...

I'm going to KILL Johnathan Christopher Depp!!!!

Jack D

Day Eighteen

Dear Norrie

....I feel like their are little men chizzelling away at my brain inside my skull...

Apparently 'the hair of the dog' is supposed to cure any hangover...but one look at that bottle of rum and that was it...i was staring into the bowl of my crapper for yet another half an hour!

I've kept away from all the little tattle-tailing that has been going around...peoples sexuality and bodily odour is none of my business...unless i decide to make fun of it....which i most probably will do later....

A pretty young lady chatted me up at the bar last night....
she was everything i look for in a woman...blond, blue eyes...leggy...easy looking...
But her name was a little strange....

Martin

.....We will never mention this again.

Martin!!......LMAO!!!!

Johnny

Day eighteen

dear ichy

Jack is GAY?!

Whose this martin fellow hes supposed to be going around with?
...and what happened to that hobbit-like creature that keeps following him around....

curiouser and curiouser....

Keira and i have come to a mutual understanding...so whilst she was doing a scene with the beckett man (im not sure of his actual name....i think hes a newcomer to hollywood...) i decided to split the trailor right down the middle, so we would both have our personal space!!

I have;

the fridge
the couch
the TV
The bed
The playstation
The guitar

Keira has;

The beanbag


....All is fair in war and war.....

Speaking of war, i wrote me a little song today....It goes like this;



Welcome to Newyork,
yeah we'll steal your car.
But someone's tabbed your petrol so you won't get very far.
Atleast your not in Florida Where the locals are green...
Yeah if you live in Newyork,
you'll know what i mean.

Trying to have a laugh round here's just turned into a chore,
Used to go down the 'Cherry' dancing on sticky floors.
Surrounded by druggies and fifteen yearolds...
And dirty old pervs thinking they've just struck gold!

Welcome to Newyork,
its a great place to leave.
Thanks to all the chemicals you'll find it hard to breath.
We're not as good as Texas, louisiana or Los Angelese,
'cause all the kids do drugs round here and never stay in school.


Now i dont have anything against newyork or anything....but obviosuly you can see i have a few problems with it......

LMAO!!!! I Love how its her trailor and he gets everything!!! ROFL!!!

Keira

day twenty

dear diary-that-isnt-ichy

I have cramp in my leg...last night i slept under the kitchen sink on the beanbag....

its the only place im allowed to actually go in my own trailor!

I came back to find bright green tape separating Johnnys section and my puney little spit of a corner...and everytime i tried to step past it he would start singing; 'bohemian rhapsody' so loud that it could be possible for only dogs to be able to hear him....

Apparently im only allowed the bathroom from the hours of 3am till 3.15am .... so ill have to pee,shower and brush my teeth all at the same time....

oh, the joys of sharing living quarters with johnny....

Originally posted by T.Maria
Jack D

Day Eighteen

Dear Norrie

....I feel like their are little men chizzelling away at my brain inside my skull...

Apparently 'the hair of the dog' is supposed to cure any hangover...but one look at that bottle of rum and that was it...i was staring into the bowl of my crapper for yet another half an hour!

I've kept away from all the little tattle-tailing that has been going around...peoples sexuality and bodily odour is none of my business...unless i decide to make fun of it....which i most probably will do later....

A pretty young lady chatted me up at the bar last night....
she was everything i look for in a woman...blond, blue eyes...leggy...easy looking...
But her name was a little strange....

Martin

.....We will never mention this again. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! falls to knees NO MAN HITS ON MAH MAN! yeah that was wierd to type...lol

lmao at sailor!

dnt worry they didnt do anything much hehehe!!

Girl you are so freaking funny. You are very good at it.
Love it! can't wait for you to post more.

Im so lost on what you guys are doing but it looks funny lol.

It's just T.Maria writing journals that the characters keep...like if they were to be keeping their own journals what would they say? it's for fun really.

T Maria
I LOVE THIS THREAD
Its the best keep it up girl!!

I love the JOhnny and Keira arguments its great!

off topic but: saliorleo, i love your new sig!!

thank you, just made it!

Orlando

Day twenty six

Dear nobody


Thats it! I give up!
Goodbye cruel world!!!

After going out on the town with the guys the other night, i learned a few things;

1.Women dont like me.
2. Women are only jealous of my because i have better hair than most of them in Lord of the Rings.
3.Women dont like me.

Mackenzie got a girls fone number,
She looked quite cute and she had all the trimmings that you would expect a nice young woman to have...and then she opened her big fat gob...and all of that dissappeared.

The woman was a loud-mouthed drunk who spilt her cheap -run-of-the-mill champagne allove my expensive Armani trousers!
TWICE!

I shouted at her...ofcourse i did...but then i immediately wished i hadn't....

the only thing i remember after that was waking up outside the nightclub with a black eye and a scary security guard rubbing my temples...

do i have a gay vibe?
is there something about me that seems a little.....bent, to you?
I dont look gay...

Ofcourse i manicure my nails, what self-respecting man wouldn't?!
Ofcourse i comb my hair atleast 30 times a day...its the only way to make it silky smooth....

Oh god...I think i'm turning into a woman....

Johnny

day twenty six

Dear Ichy

I'm getting that gay vibe from Sad-Sack again...

I thought he had dropped it after the first film...but now hes picked it back up again...

I went for a toilet break and the man followed me!!!
I mean, ok i can understand he might be insecure about how he measures up in the er....nether-regoins...

But i felt violated when he stood in the cubicle next to me...i felt like i wouldnt be able to perform! He was ruining my concentration...

...and here i was thinking jack was the only one i needed to worry about...

Oh yeah, this room-mate thing with keira is working out swell now that we both have our own areas...I dont know why we didnt think of it before!!!

I stuck a post-it on her bean bag this morning telling her she would have to wait until tomorrow until she took a shower...i used up her time and mine for the bathroom without realising it...
but a man has to keep clean, you know!

Not like my filthy alter-ego, Captain Jack Sparrow!

...And yet since that filthy vaggabond came into my life, ive had ALOT more fanmail off women telling me how much they love me and want to marry me...

So its official;

Women like it dirty!

Jack D

Day twenty seven

Dear Norrie

I woke up this morning...

and i wasn't alone.

For a moment i thought i was still dreaming about running through a daisy field naked...but unfortunately it was no dream...

and just incase you were wondering...

Martin was NOWHERE to be seen!

It was rather parculiar...she was looking straight at me on the chair...her eyes staring right into me.


And then i tried to move...and only closer inspection found my arms and legs tied to the bed with rope.

....And i'm still here...

and unfortunately...so is she

ROTFLAO!!!!!!! Totally worth the wait lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keira

Day thirty

Dear Diary that isnt ichy

THAT IS IT!
Ive had it with bloody men!

3 days ive been unable to have a shower!
THe man is insufferable!

He even made COOKIES infront of me the other day, and then ate them to himself!!!!

Apparently the only reason i couldnt have one was because i WASNT on his side, and he apologised if the smell had escaped from his part of the room!

I need to get my own back...i have to do something to get my trailor back....before he starts wiring up the hi-fi system and playing Bob Dylan loud enough for people to think its ME who listens to his old-school hill-billy music!

Now then....let me think....what is the one thing that Johnny is scared of in the whole world.....

Johnny

Day Thirty One

Dear Ichy


CLOWNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They're everywhere!!!!!!
Shes put them in the fridge, in the closet!

UNDER THE BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!

I cant sleep in there now....its freaking me out....

that woman is the bride of chucky!!!!!!!!

Ive got this crazy vision in my head of Mr Chuckles coming to life in the night and dragging me under the bed with him!

Its times like these that i wish i had a night-light....

That B**ch is going down!!

Jack D

Day thirty five

Dear Norrie

Its nice to know i'm loved...

Ive been here for nearly a week and NO ONE has bothered to look for me!

Shes used everything on me....although i have to admit that when the feather duster came out, she tickled me in places i never knew existed!

Ashamedly i am now growing quite fond of her...
Shes a weird little thing, but i suppose shes the only person that actually cares about me...
She spoon fed me yesterday!

Ok, maybe that was because my hands were tied behind my back, but atleast she didnt leave me to just starve!
It was quite sweet, if you think about it...

Have i gone insane? You ask...

Probably.

But hey! I aint complaining!

She told me she will let me go if i agree to being her B**ch...i have no problem with that at all....

but it might clash with my busy schedule...

Ooooh! She's bringing out the fluffy handcuffs.....

Ladies and gentlemen...i think i'm inlove...

hahaha CLOWNS! i was trying to think about something he was afraid of, i totally forgot about that!!!!

*falls off the bed in laughter*....ow....yes i actually did this

lmao Sailor

ill think of more in a bit...let me get my thinkin cap on lol

I love writing these...they give my brain a well-earned rest from writing serious stuff lol

yeah i know what you mean

Also, i LOVE writing those DMC Bloopers!!!!!

Ur up next Sailor, i think lol

im having a writers block, not feeling very inspired, pm me some of your greatness...lol....no seriously...

if by greatness you mean boredom, then ok then

nah, it's greatness, trust me

lmao i certainly beg to differ

*thinks of ideas to hatch in the next batch of diary entries...*

well i posted

ROFLMFAOTW!!!! OMG T.Maria....one word GENIOUS!!!! OMG...CLOWNS....LMAO...I hate Clowns too...but that was Hilarious!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Poor Johnny!! The post itt bit...is just hilarious!!! he treats her like a doggie!! HAHAHAHA!! Except doggies get treated better...LMAO!!! OMG u dont understand...this has me ROFL at my Job!!! LMAO!! Please more!!

The funny thing is that i'm really sick right now and laughing only makes me break out into a cough attack...lol!! But i cant help it its to funny!!

thankyou piratediva

you know when your doing something right when you can spontaneously make someone hav a coughing fit

ill write more very soon...probably in the next 5 mins lol

YAY!!!!!

Jack D

Day Thirty six

Dear Norrie


'oh what a beautiful morning!!!!!!'

I'm inlove...with a girl!!!!!

Its great...the way she makes me cater to her every need....the way she gets angry if i dont put enough mayonaise on her salad butties and hits me if i make too much noise when i'm working out....

I'm her B**ch, and I'm proud of it!!!

I saw johnny yesterday. We were back on the pearl again....He asked me why i had a smile permanently attached to my face...

I told him im always like this...

He begged to differ...apparently my face resembles a smacked arse 99% of the time...

and then he asked me if i was getting some!

Thats private business between me and my lady friend...

But apparently my nod of the head gave it away to him....

....Its not like HE doesnt walk around with a smile on his face all day....because he does...

But theres no one here for him to get some off-

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Gross mental imagery...

I should tell keira to watch where she sits in her trailor....

ROTFLAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ummmmm Johnny Only gets Lovin From me!!! OK!! LOL!!

Still cant figure out who's the girl Jack is getting some from...lol!!

Keira

Day Thirty Seven

Dear Diary that isnt ichy

Jack gave me the heads up on Johnnys possible nightly activities with his best friend 'mr hand' ... i must say i'm rather disgusted that Jack would make such allegations.....johnny is a movie star, he doesnt do that sort of thing....

gross....

....although i may watch where i park my bum from now on...

IF I HAD SOMEWHERE TO SIT IN MY TRAILOR!

I came back yesterday to find (FINALLY!) the tape gone, the post-it notes disappearing into thin air....along with everything else in my trailor!

Apparently johnny knows a girl whose up for selling anything and everything on ebay...chikimina i think her name is...

and hes given her my things to sell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...so now im living in an empty space...with only my fridge and the kitchen sink....

Johnny said that after the clown incident, he didnt want to touch anything incase it was 'contaminated'....so he burned my bedsheets on a bonfire behind my trailor (including my Spice girls AND my pavorotti collection!!!!) and told me he was getting an exorcist round to;

'clear out the unwanted evil of squeeky joke noses and funny red clown wigs'

.... the man has issues....

....Well atleast i still have my beanbag to sleep on-


JOHNNY!!!!!!!!! either get off it....or share.....

Ha! I knew that would get him to move...

great. If I wirte a diary about me there will be alot of cursing lol

Orlando

day forty

Dear nobody

I had an epiphone yesterday...i realised that if you cant beat them, then you have to join them...

I was in the que in the local market, picking up my copy of 'womans weekly' when a gorgeous looking girl accosted me!

It came out of the blue, and i was rather taken aback...but she would not let go of me!!

She looked up at me with her sultry eyes all gleaming and said;

"omg! Your like my Idol! I LOVED you Edward Scissor hands!"

Welll....i was VERY angry...but i couldnt disappoint the girl now could i...

So i'm going on a date with her on friday night...

call me a fraud all you like, but im finally getting some!!!!!

LMAO!!!! That is funny!!

Orlando: And that girl is chiki mina!!!

lol I wish

Johnny

Day forty one

dear ichy

Why are people finding it so hard to look me in the eyes??

I went to shake kev's hand yesterday and he looked at it like he was inspecting it before he shook it!!!!

Theres something weird going on....

Everytime Keira goes for the beanbag she wipes it over with a cloth!
I dont have the lergie, you know....

atleast i dont think i do...

Gore has informed me about this kiss im supposed to be doing with keira...and apparently everyone is in on it but sad-sack....its like a conspiracy theory...i love it!!

I dont know whether to be ok about this kiss thing...
shes like Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay young!
My son has less years between them than i do with her!

Ah what the hell...if i can kiss winona im sure kissing keira wouldnt hurt...

much.

right...now im off to turn keiras trailor into a batchelor pad!!!!

....BTW the batchelor pad thing is a joke...im still with vanessa...damn, watch this be spread allover the papers tomorrow!!!

haha that orlando bit was hilarious!

and johnny burning/selling keira's stuff!!!

i bet the real cast would love this stuff!

OMG....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO JoHnnY Is with ME!!!! *Gets up and in 1 enraged motion i knock everything of the desk then screams in anger* I will not allow this something must be done!!

Jack D

Day forty two

Dear norrie

Went on a double date with my sexy Sailor and orli's emtally delinquant shop-girl...

She kept calling him Eddie...and he answered her!

What was her name.....

chikiTina?
TikiChina?
MikiWeina?

Gah i dont remember....but it was possibly the weirdest night of my life...

It got better when me and my beloved got back to my trailor though...its amazing how much fun you can have playing cluedo with the one you love!

And now she has be blindfolded! ....so technically i dont know how im writing this...its amazing, isnt it!!!

We're playing the 'food' game...i guess the food and if im right i get a gold star which means im allowed to do a chore for her!

So either way i win!!!!!

And they say romance is dead...or maybe they just wish it...

lol i wnet on a double date? lol

keira

Day forty three

Dear diary that - screw it, its too long!


Johnny and me had a fight last night...

So i kicked him off the beanbag and made him sleep outsid until he had learned his lesson....

5 minutes later he was complaining that he would catch neuphmonia...well, it wasnt my fault that there just happened to be a gigantic thunderstorm outside!!!!!!

He packed his stuff and left today...the electric was fixed on his boat 5 DAYS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I asked him WHY it took him so long to clear out...he told me that spunging off me reminded him of the 'good old times' ....

"And also because i just love to piss you off"

Well johnny boy ive got a surprise for you....

my trailor has a hole in the roof where theres a leak coming through...SO GUESS WHOSE COMING TO VISIT!!!!

Oh im so evil...

...and so poorly looked after! How could someone NOT spot a hole in a roof????

Its ok for johnny...he gets a boat...

...hehehe...but not for long!!!!

haha, can't wait for that!

right dudettes, i shall have to leave you in peace

Im off to the land of nod (its 1.50am here lol)

I shall post more on sunday as i do not have the computer allday 2morro!!

If you wanna post a diary entry feel free...i cant do it all on my own lol

Nite nite chickletts!!!!!

nighty night maria

Haha luv this thread t.maria u never fail to crack me up!

Right then kiddies, lets get back to it

Johnny

Day Forty Four

dear ichy

OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!

3am she burst through my cabin door this morning!!!

I wouldnt mind but i'd only got in from filming at 2!!!

She barged in here like john wayne in a movie western...with her bloody stuffed unicorns in toe!!!

Insufferable woman! I thought id gotten rid of her but apparently she insists on staying on my yacht for WAY longer than she even thinks she is!

Apparently i have a 'debt to pay' ... she makes herself sound like someone from the mafia or something!
...She's kipping on my couch at the moment....my plush red leather couch that only I have ever slept on!!

Doesnt she know that people will start talking???
Ive already got some glares from Orli and Jack...apparently they have spare bedrooms in their trailors she could sleep in...

but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
She has to be the bane of my existance!!

Bloody nuisance....

But atleast shes asleep now...shes best like that

lol or maybe shes pretending to be asleep lol

jack d

Day forty four

dear norrie

Me and my love have adopted a chameleon....He changes color when hes under attack...hes so cute!!

I think we're calling him Iggy...at the moment hes sitting in his cage , licking his lips and looking at me with an odd expression on his face...

i asked my sweetheart if he was a cannibal...but she protested that in order for him to be a cannibal he had to be human...fair point...

but there THIS something odd about him....

My beloved said she wants to adopt a sheep next...
Apparently one of her strange and not-so-sane friends - ( honestly its all down to the parents...i mean, who calls a kid Bwa ha ha ???)
- currently owns one called 'Ichy' ....she said it would be good for the little tyke to have a play mate....

I would protest...but i DO love lamb chops!!!!

I had a quiet drink with Orlando last night...he told me his love life was amazing at the moment....

...But it wouldnt be so good if Miss Mina ever found out that Orlando WASNT Johnny.....Because hes not, hes orlando and it would be very confusing if Orlando wasnt orlando and was infact johnny because that would mean-

whoa whoa whoa!

NOTED TO SELF:
dont think so much...

I think i've just brought on another migrane...

lmao love is so confusing

Keira

Day forty Five

Dear Mr Snuggles - thats right! Ive gotten rid of the long assed name!!!!

Today has been the day from hell....

I woke up to the smell of pancakes and strawberries and so many delicious smells that my nostrils felt like they had died and gone to synus heaven...

Unfortunately none of those smells were for me...
i was stuck with a piece of bread and some butter on the side...

thats dinner service a-la-Depp for you....hes not a very good host, and he deffinately doesnt make you feel welcome...especially when he's throwing yesterdays underwear in your face to wake you up!!!

He told me i had two days and then that was it, I'm either;

A. Going in a home
B. Going in a bin
C. Going to live with orli.

....ANYTHING BUT THE LAST ONE!!!!!


Me and Orli had that kissing scene today...with the sand whipping us every 5 minutes...it was SO un-romantic!

Hi mind seemed on other things..and so was mine when i spotted his latest conquest standing at the sidelines and glaring at me...

...that was until she looked over at Johnny, and then looked back at Orlando...it looked like something had clicked....

And then everything was up in the air!
Including Orlando!

The tiny little girl beat the CRAP out of him!!!!
.....And she spoke alot of spanish, which i am going to say was alot of curse words....

...Apparently Orli had tried to pass himself off as johnny to firey Peuto rican....

I cant see how she couldnt see the difference myself...i mean...

Johnny is well....johnny

and Orli is well....erm....yeah...lets not go there

I'm going out tonight on the town with Kev, Orli, Jack and johnny...
only johnny doesnt know yet....

that should be fun .....

...i know you cant see what im doing ... but im rubbing my hands together in glee...

LMAO LMAO Continue please

Orlando

Day forty six

dear nobody!

I'm officially a 'no one'


We went out tonight to 'flares' to get into the VIP area...and I was the only one NOT RECOGNISED!!!!!

I asked the others to stay on the outside of the rope with me...but they buggered off inside and left me to fend for myself!!

..on the upside i bumped into my Little Chiki again...and she apologised for the bruises to my oh-so-pretty face...and the one on my -you-know-where's ....

We ended up dancing, and even though she now knows my new identity, she STILL let me buy her drinks all night long and she even gave me 1 digit of her phone number everytime i bought her a glass of champagne...

Ah, it feels like love...

and at the same time i can feel a hole in my pocket from where my money used to be....

HA! And they say you can't buy love....boy were they wrong!!!

Anyway, about three hours later the rest of the gang came out from the VIP area....

Its amazing...keira may be tiny but it took 2 men to carry her out of the club!!!

She was so drunk she vomited allover Johnny's VERY expensive shoes...and then laughed because her puke was pink!

Kev and Jack carried her the rest of the way whilst johnny made barfing sounds behind them...which only made Keira barf for real to everyones annoyance but johnnys....he thought it was hilarious....

jack got clocked by his lady-love on the way home.
Apparently her and Iggy had been waiting up ALLLLL night for him to come home....
Now thats as 'under the thumb' as you can get, ladies and gentlmen!!

Kev and I left johnny to take keira inside his yacht...he didnt like the idea much because he begged us to stay with him...especially when he realised that being on a rocky boat AND being drunk was never two good things put together....

We had other plans however....we went skinny dipping!

Jack D

day forty seven

dear norrie


Just been down to the police station to bail out Orlando...

WHO GOES SKINNY DIPPING IN AN OCEAN THAT IS MANNED BY POLICE MEN EVERY NIGHT?!

Apparently Kev was also an accomplice...but he ran away bollock naked before the police caught him.
They said Orlando was found cowering in a corner, trying to conceal his modesty behind a small figleaf...the ironic thing is that it was actually small enough to cover the 'whole thing' ...or so im told.

The bail money wasnt too high considering the extent of the crime....but apparently the police were unaware of who he was...
the weird thing was that he tried to make the bail money HIGHER;

"I will not be bought for such a low price!"

If it was any higher i would have left him there...

No one has seen kev yet....but apparently some local fishermen claim to have seen a 'white ape' hiding in a nearby forest...

two guesses for who that will be....

Meanwhile i have some problems of my own...

Iggy is obsessed with me and My Dearly beloved has only gone and bought the bloody sheep!

Its like living in a zoo....and not in a good way

lmao never get tired of reading this.

johnny

day forty seven

dear ichy


I'm extremely exhausted and irritated.

ALL NIGHT i stayed up with that girl to make sure she didnt barf on herself and die in the night!

She made seven consecutive toilet trips...the other ones didnt quite make it that far...so im getting a new rug...and a new couch...and a new television .... and a new 'jack sparrow' wig considering she tried to use it as a mop....

I feel all brotherly now...ive been in worse states myself and not managed to remember it in the morning...but heres hoping she DOES remember because it would be so funny to take the piss!

I left her there when i knew she wasnt going to regurgitate her food, and went to film for the day....when suddenly i was accosted by a WHITE APE running at me fullspeed and only stopping once he had collided with me!

We fell to the floor in a complete and utter mess...and then shot up and snatched the quilt from Keira who was slowly gaining consciousness....

I did wonder exactly HOW kev had got himself into this mess...but at the end of the day i didnt want to know....not in the slightest.

Apparently the amount of flesh on show was too much for keira, who promptly feinted back onto the pillows again...

well atleast she was doing something besides tossing her cookies...

Keira

Day forty seven

Dear Mr Snuggles

OMG my head!

I want to open my skull and pull out my brain and then pet it and stroke it until its better...

Johnny called in sick for me...apparently he had to bring the boat into dock last night because the tide was too rough and i would have been in trouble from dying by my own puke...

He asked me if i remembered anything....and i had to declare that i remembered nothing...

So then he broke the news to me...

I DECLARED MY UNDYING LOVE FOR HIM AND HOW MUCH I WANTED TO MARRY HIM AND SPEND MY LIFE CATERING TO HIS EVERY NEED!!

Why would i do that??
HOW could i think that??

Stupid bloody alcohol!

I hope vanessa doesnt hear about this....apparently shes got a good right hook on her...

I'm NEVER drinking my body weight AND kev's boy weight in alcohol EVER again!

I cant look at johnny now...he keeps smirking at me... like hes re-living the momories everytime he smiles....

@$$hole!!!!

I think we just both need to forget about it and move on....

LOOOL

omg sorry out of subject. But Im being stalked lol.

johnny

Day forty seven

dear ichy

...............she's so gullible.................

your being stalked?!?!

by who!!

By a user named um TM something T something. He said that I was sexy. ass hole.

WST is hes name.

lmao he messaged me saying exactly the same thing!

Just ignore him or block him

Ive chosen to ignore him because how the hell can anyone think your sexi from a profile ?!

Insane i tell you....

OMFG!! He went crazy over me bc he added me through msn and saw my pic!! I was like who the hell is this. He offered sex and shit!! OO THAT LIL CABRON!! THAT CABEZA DE CULO!!!!!!!!!! I hate that!!!!! Im gonna get my machete and chop whats left of his balls!!

lmao!! go chiki!!

and chop off the other one from me!!

my bf would flip if he saw someone msning me like that!!!

Orlando

Day forty seven

Dear nobody

I'm a new man.

After sharing a cell with Hairy-back Mary for a night, i realised (Whilst snuggled against his masculine bosom) that i should enjoy the finer things in life.

I'll NEVER go skinny dipping again but hey;

it was an experience...

granted; on that i will NEVER want to experience again for the unfortunate chance of being another whipping boy for a night... but i think it did me some good.

And atleast I'm being recognised now...

My ass was LITERALLY spread across the front pages of EVERY newspaper in the caribbean....and thanks to that, my ass has been well and truly noticed by the public!!

I'm finally getting the recognition that i deserve!

I truly belive that one day my ass will be more famous than johnnys...

even though hes never actually shown his...

i bet he wishes he'd had the balls to skinny dipp now!!!

kev

day forty seven

Dear diary

Im utterly ashamed of myself.

Orlando is rolling in it...hes lapping it up like its the first sort of publicity hes ever got...

i however had standards to uphold.....

Bloody bloom made me do it!

And then when we actually got into the water the boats showed up!

I swam to the shore and ran for the first shadowed haven i could!
Orlando was somewhere behind me...until i heard him screaming like a little girl when the police found him!

I had no option but to run!

'the white ape' made its own headlines...and as the 'creator' of the 'ape' i would like to say i am deeply hurt by their nickname for me...

Im slightly more hairy than an ape..

Jack D

Day forty eight

Dear norrie

Not getting along with The sheep.

We haven't thought of a name for it yet and i'm glad..it will make it alot easier for me to kill it when no one is looking.

Im not allowed to sleep in my own bed...The sheep has taken my place and now my beloved is sleeping in the same bed as it!

Iggy is no good either...he keeps blending in with his surroudings....yesterday i sat on the bugger because he'd decided to take my place on my couch!!

Sailors insane friend Bwa ha ha came round yesterday with Ichy....THAT was exciting.....

Well...it kind of was actually, considering 'Ichy' is a boy and our new sheep is a female...they went off somewhere unknown for ten minutes and when they came back they both looked rather satisfied with themselves....

they must of been rutting around in the dirt or something....

Keira was back on set today...she still looked a little queasy, but i suppose that has to be expected after and EXTREMELY bad hangover....

What WAS strange was how much she kept avoiding johnny....

Maybe she finally admitted her undying love for him for something...

Hell, we've all done it !!!

Johnny

day forty eight

dear ichy

Im too good!

Shes believed EVERY word ive said to her since she woke up!!

The best one was just half an hour ago...

I walked straight up behind her and scared the living baby jesus out of her!
I asked her why she was avoiding me;

"Why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not...im just...really interested in the sugar bowl i have infront of me..."

"How can you avoid me after last night? I thought it was something special...but maybe you think different..."

Well..that was it...her face paled and she sat down quite suddenly on a chair looking feint.

"What...what are you talking about...."

"You really dont remember, do you?"

"Erm...i really dont remember anything...I'm really sorry!"

"And i thought you were special..."

Keira was looking at me like a deer caught in headlights with a 20 tonne truck coming towards it...she was $h!tt!ng herself, in other words.

"I dont understand...what did we do last night?"

"I cant say here...if people find out then it all over...

"Johnny, dont mess me about! Just tell me the horrible and ghastly truth!"

"What do you want to know? How amazing you were?"

"WHAT?!"

"You were great"

"I was?"

"Yeah....I've never seen a scrabble player like you"


.....that was four hours ago...

besides glaring at me in every scene we've been in together, ive not heard a peep from her since....

and i'm loving the peace!!

Oh and BTW;

the reason for all that sexual chemistry between jack and Elizabeth in DMC is most probably because for the generation of the 'Pearl scenes Keira wasn't talking to me....

If you look closely you could probably spot keira giving me looks that could kill.... andif you look VERY closely under all the tension between the characters you will probably see me feeling very anxious....

talk about PMT!

LMFAO, HILARIOUS.

Haha, Johnny's a good lier, lol, scramble. So funny.

I bet Keira just wants to castrate him with Sparrow's sword. Lol, PMT.

Keira

Day 50

Dear Mr I-Hate-Johnny!

I hate hate HATE that man!

Im living with a monster!
I horrible, messy, irritating but damn-right sexy monster!

I havent spoken to him in two days.
He hasnt tried to apologise...he just made it worse by telling everyone!

And now they're all blaming ME for the dirty mind!

Oh im going straight to hell on a bicycle....

But i have to admit this nasty tension between us is paying off in the 'jack and elizabeth chemistry' department...ha! The audience will never even realise the reason behind it is because that insufferable man has made my life a misery for the past two days!

Even ORLANDO had a laugh at me!
ORLANDO BLOOM! Even then NAME makes you want to laugh!

...damn it...im never going to get my credability back....

unless.....hmmmmmm.....


fight fire with fire, right??

oooh! I like the way my mind works!!

HAHAHA, Keira's gonna pull a fast one on Johnny. Who-ho.

Power to the women!

Orlando

Day 50

dear nobody

Has the world gone mad?

Im not sure ive heard it right through the grape vine or not...

But johnny has told kev whose told milly the makeup girl whose told carl in CGI whose Apparenty let it slip to Janine in Props whose told me that Johnny and Keira have been having an affair????

Well blow me down with a feather!
I thought it would be me...never thought it would be johnny!

The pair of them dont get on for the majority of the time....unless its just an act and really they're staring hottly at eachother...

Nah....it couldnt happen....

I feel like im living in cookoo land!!!!

And i cant believe johnny didnt tell ME!
Im supposed to be a mate of his and he didnt think to tell me????
Did he think i would get jealous that he gets everyone and I get no one?!

That man is hott stuff even in his middle age apparently!!

Maybe i should just confront him...

Keira

day 52

dear mr Snuggles

HA!

Take that mr Depp!

Consider yourself PUNK'D!!!!!!!

It all started yesterday when i wokeup.
I turned the hot water on and then got myself ready for a shower
...step 1.

Then when i heard Johnnys snoring coming to a stop (and after nearly a month of living within 5 feet of him this is truly a blessing!) i stepped into the shower quietly.

Now bear in mind when johnny wakes up early in the morning hes not functional for other human conact for atleast another three hours...so he didnt even realise what he was doing when he stepped into the bathroom and THERE I WAS INNOCENTLY SHOWERING BEHIND THE CURTAIN!!

He didnt realise until i 'noticed' he was there and yelled so loud i could have swore i heard his heart having an attack.....

Well since then its been rosey...hes been extra nice and hes even let me have HIS bed while hes been sleeping on the couch!!!

Breakfast has been glorious of a morning and not one 'i hate you' has passed from his lips....

its almost like he's being nice to me....

Unless hes planning something...

Oh, if he even tries it hes going down!!!!

I dont care if the women love him;
i could live with the hate mail for the rest of my life, and the jail sentence too!!

Jack D

Day 54

dear norrie

theres something wrong with Gladys.

we named the sheep gladys because we couldnt think of anything else significant...

But shes been 'nesting' alot and shes even tried to hump Iggy a few times...which is quite a disturbing thing to watch....

My true love seems to think shes having little baby sheep. But ive already told her that if thats the case then Gladys is 'the virgin mary' of sheep....

no, i dont mean shes having gods baby, because that would be gross and cross-breeding isnt legal...

But in order for sheep to make little sheep they have to...erm....you know....do that thing that im to embarrassed to talk about...

My beloved looked at me like i was stupid.

Unless its Iggys...with all the humping going on lately its hard to tell really....

Johnny

Day 54

Dear Ichy

After the bathroom incident with Lady Knightley im treading carefully!

I didnt see anything and nore would i want to, but that none the less makes it better, so therefore im going to play the nice card and see how far it gets me before she forgives me and then we can get back to taking the piss out of eachother again!

Something funny is going on....

I served keira her breakfast yesterday and she turned around to talk to me and her neck clicked.
She said it was really painful so i massaged the top of it while she ate her breakfast.

Then suddenly the door to my yacht bursts open and Orlando is standing there....looking shocked?

He started muttering to himself and then he seemed to look at my hands on keiras neck and he went very pale...

then he said he needed to go down to the local chemist for some tranquilisers and left!

Neither of us understood exactly what was up....then again no one really ever does with SadSack, but he was acting very strangely...

Maybe hes got it into his head that me and keira are having an affair or something completely stupid like that....

wouldnt surprise me;

hes got a mind like an overactive child....