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Too much to read. 31

That is only 7 of my 87 hand written pages.......

Oh, god. oh

Lol yeah its going to be a book.

This should really be in the Fiction area

Where is the fiction area?

Originally posted by Wolf_Girl15
Where is the fiction area? http://www.killermovies.com/forums/f53/

Originally posted by Wolf_Girl15
Lol yeah its going to be a book.
Good. dodgy

Originally posted by Scottie
http://www.killermovies.com/forums/f53/ Thanks, I will start one there.

Originally posted by Wolf_Girl15
Thanks, I will start one there. you could just ask for this one to get moved

.....Nah...I like this one here....

But we don't.

I put it here because more people come here than in the other one.....and more often.....

Originally posted by Wolf_Girl15
I put it here because more people come here than in the other one.....and more often.....
Good point. hmm

Originally posted by Wolf_Girl15
.....Nah...I like this one here....

Well, either this one will be closed or moved...so...

^^

It's only so that each section is kept relatively neat. Also, if you're looking for decent, constructive criticism on your work, the genfic area is the best place for it. Just be patient

Exactly; a lot of the advice you'll get from the OTF will be worthless.

Anywho, I'd suggest getting someone to proofread, otherwise, it's allright

I want opinions from alot of different people to see if it would make it as a book.

Suggestion that would make reading easier on all is to space between paragraphs. I know it is a pain, but it would be helpful. Now whenever I write anything, even for school they ask why i space between paragraphs, and I tell them, because I'm use to doing that with my stories.

Alright.

Otherwise keep up the good work xD

Thanks.

extremely impressive. i look forward to the rest as it becomes available to read.

Wow.... someone left a post about my story.... wow....

>.< It's a good story! I like it.

Thanks, I finished with book 1, now I have to put it on here. working on book two

okay I'm going to be honest a writer to another...
FIRST PERSON IS NOT A GOOD CHOICE FOR NOVELS....it cuts details out of the sotry which makes it harder for the reader to believe it...and also creats loop holes where details don't match up....say if you say your character passed out then told the story while your character was unconcious...it doesn't work....
so I'm not saying it's not a good story cuz it is....but you have careful with first person...and if possible avoid it, first person is more for postcard stories or autobiographies...and such...
okay but keep up the work!

Its her diary, and book two isnt first person

Originally posted by Wolf_Girl15
Its her diary, and book two isnt first person

okay well in that case....you need to make sure the reader knows it's a diary and not just a story...because then the reader expects only certain parts of the story....

I will.

I am reposting my story, with the indentions, may take up alot of space. ^^ Just for the record, nothing is new about the next few posts after this one, other than they are easier to read.

I sit down beside Marie and Jet. Everyone starts to fill their plates with the large variety of food. As each person finishes filling thier plates, the sat and waited in silence as Isaiah prays as he always does. Then they all begin to eat our fill. As we all finish, we head off to our beds one at a time.

We are awakened in the middle of the night by a red alert. Blackghost is attacking. The double zero cyborgs all rush to their battle stations, ready to fight, but they are too late. Blackghost agents are already in the base. Al, Jet and I get Marie, Ryan and Doug quickly to where we keep the motorcycles. Marie and I get on one; I drive off, Al and Ryan on one bike, and Jet and Doug on another, both bikes right behind me.
We drive quickly through the woods avoiding being seen or heard by the Blackghost agents. We stay in eye sight of eachother, as we head for a hidden place where a small plane is hidden. We drive the motorcycles into a cave. The cave changes slowly from natural to a man made metal tunnel. We drive onto the place and park, we then quickly get into our seats.

We buckle up quickly as Jet drives the plane out of the cave. As we near the mouth of the cave it moves to angle up, helping us take off. Jet flies us over the woods while I watch from the passenger seat. I watch the land fly past us, giving way to a vast body of water. Suddenly, an alarm goes off, saying somthing is wrong with the plane.

"Whats wrong" I ask Jet nervously

"No clue, I am landing us on an island up ahead." He replies

"You going to land the plane, or crash it?"

"Either one" He says, and I feel the plane losing altitude. "Looks like it will be crash." Jet says as we fall towards the island. I watch as the small island he mentioned starts to fly towards us, thats the last thing I recall seeing, before I hit my head hard, sending a wave of pain down my spine just before I black out.....

As I wake up, I feel a sharp pain coming from my head, my left leg, and my right arm. I slowly open my eyes, trying to remember what happened. Then, it hits me and I remember that we had crashed. I slowly try to sit up, unbuckle my seatbelt, slowly starting to stand. I go to see if Al and the others are okay. I find him, finding him in his usual seat, he doesnt seem to be harmed, so I call his name and he turns and looks up at me. I smile and ask for his help getting the others out. He nods standing like I did. he helps me get the others out, which takes afew hours. He finds a first aid kit in the plane and tends to their wounds aswell as our own.

I gather the wood for a fire, Al lights the fire before he leaves to find food, water, and a shelter of somekind. I stay by the fire to keep an eye on the others as the sun slowly rises, casting its golden rays across the land.

I am tending to the fire when Al walks up from behind and sits beside me, starting to cook the fish he caught.

"Anyone woken yet?" He asks me.

"Not yet, I am starting to get worried"

"Why?"

"I dont know, guess I just am."

"They are fine, I promise" He says, making me smile. He has always been close to me ever since he and the other double zero cyborgs had saved me from Blackghost, he has treated me as if I was his family. I quit calling him Al so much now as bro, because of how overprotective he can be.

"How long until they wake up?"

"I'm not sure, A few hours maybe."

"did you find any shelter?"

"yeah but we still have to wait until atleast the guys wake up, to help carry the supplies from the plane" We both hear a groan of pain from nearby, we look to see who it is. Its Jet, he sits up rubbing his head.

"I feel like I got hit by a bus" Jet says, standing up slowly.

"Thats pretty much what happened" I say smiling lightly as I update him on what happened since the crash.

He sits next to Al to warm up some, as Al explains the plan for after the guys wake up. he tells both Jet and I about a building he found.

"Jet and I can go check it out and let you know what we find." I say, And Jet nods to confirm.

"I dont know....." Al says

"Awww, Come on, bro, what could happen?"

"Alot of things"

"like what?"

"You could get etten by a wild animal"

"What animal would want to eat Jet? He is full of too much crap."

"If you got cornered by a Blackghost agent, you would be doomed. Your wings are too badly injured from the crash for you to use."

"I can use my arm."

" what if the building has traps around or in it?"

"Jet and I can handle it"

"But what if y..." I laugh lightly, interrupting him.

"you worry too much." I say standing up "I am going to check this building out. Jet you coming?"

"Of course" Jet stands and walks over to stand by my side.

Al looks up at us and says "just dont get into trouble, I cant save you two if you do." Jet and I smile as we head off into the woods. Jet is in the lead, because I have forgotten where Al said the building was.

After about ten minutes of hiking through the lush woods, we see the dark silloette of a large building. We walk faster towards it.
When we reach the building, we walk around until we find the door, which is rusted and covered by vines

"I could fry the vines" I say from behind him, "I am a human bug zapper/ stungun remember?"

" I am not sure you have enough electricity to do that" I ignore him, placing my right hand on a vine. Electricity shoots across the vines, making them wilt and making it easy to remove them.

"you were saying?" I say with a smirk

"Not bad" He says, walking up to the door and grabing it. He starts to pull on it as hard as he can, The door groans loudly as it slowly opens all the way.

I walk into the dark abandon building just behind Jet. I send electricity over my right arm, so that the bolts dance across my arm in brilliant shades of yellow, lighting up the room.

There are crates of supplies lining the room and the shelves that form long rows in the room, like the kind you would see at a store. We walk down the row infront of us. Jet reads some of the labels softly to himself, so its no more than a mumble. Most of them are food and ammunition.

Jet and I freeze as two small glowing eyes appear in the darkness"Who's there?" I yell. Nothing moves and the eyes disappear in the darkness. I look around listening and watching for any signs of the creature.

The only sound is my calm, focused breathing until I spot the eyes again. "who are you?... Step into the light and I wont hurt you" I can tell the eyes belong to a short being by how low to the ground they are. the being slowly moves closer, towards the light. I watch the being closely, I gasp as the creature enters the light.

The creature looks up showing itsself as as a large female wolf. it has a pure white coat, pink tinged ears, a pink nose, and blood red eyes. She is an albino.

I take a step forward, speaking only a single word softly "Champion?" The wolf looks up at me and wags her tail happily, stoping after a few seconds, making me laugh. she always refused to act like a dog, prefering the pride of a true wolf. She allows me to pet her with my left arm, licking my hand gently

"She is my pet Wolf from when I first became a cyborg at BG"

"Thought so." Jet says smiling lightly, as he walks past us. Champion and I follow him to a door, which Jet opens causing the lights to suddenly flash on. We jump as the room is suddenly very bright, our eyes hurting as they adjust. We look around at the sight we can now see.

We walk into the room to see a massive robot assembly line. one quick look at the robots show us they are warbots. Suddenly an alarm goes off, and a door slides open, revealing thousands of glowing red eyes, all that belong to warbots....

Al waits, after Jet and I leave, putting a few more sticks on thefire before checking on the others who have yet to wake up. A faint groan reaches his ears. He turns to see who it came from. Marie sits up, groaning again, asking him what happened. he quickly updates her. She tries to stand, but Al puts his hand on her shoulder, stoping her.

"you need to stay down, so you will heal faster." She nods and goes back to sitting down, Al picks her up and sets her down, so her back is against a tree, so that the warmth of the fire will reach her. he goes and sits next to his pile of wood, putting more on the fire. Marie slowly falls asleep, and Al smiles at how peaceful she seems. Then a large female pure white wolf walks up. He can instantly tell she is albino. The wolf walks up to him, its chest heaving as it drops somthing infront of him. He looks from the wolf to the thing it droped.

It is part of a leather jacket with lood stains on it, his eyes widen "Jet." he says softly. he wakes Marie, telling her to keep the fire going and to keep the others from leaving. He moves her to where he was sitting before he turns to the wolf and says "lead the way" the wolf turns and runs into the woods, with Al right behind it. He follows the wolf into the storage room the lights are on and the wolf leads him to a bloody battle scene in the room. Blood is scattered around the room, along with torn robot parts.

Al sptos a bloody leather jacket and he picks it up before he hears the sound of a mechanical device moving. He nearly gets hit by a bullet before he manages to run out the door, the wolf at his heels. They run out of the building, and into the woods. A warbot follows them, they lead the bot to a cliff. When the bot gets there, it looks around, for they are no where in sight. The bot heads back into the woods. The second it is at the edge of the woods, Al jumps out of a bush, ripping its robotic head off quickly. the bot falls over now being usless. Al returns to the camp, to come up with somekind of plan. the wolf follows him, then it spots somthing in the woods and takes off, returning a few minutes later with a dead rabit in its mouth. Al sits beside the fire, putting more wood into it. he makes marie a bed so she can rest. She instantly falls into a deep sleep, the wolf lays nearby Al to munch on the rabit it caught. he watches the wolf and he notices a light tan, almost white collar. As the wolf looks up at him, just before it gives a short howl, for the loss of her owner. Al spots a glimmer of gold as the wolf howls, he has barly enough time to read a single word on a golden name plate.

"Champion" He says, and the Wolf looks at him curiously "so your name is Champion. Welcome to the camp Champ. " He smiles, Champion wags her tail lightly but only for a short time. She gets up after she finishes eating the rabit and she walks over to him, sniffing towards him. He looks at his right hand, then holds out his left hand, so she can sniff it. Once she does, she lays next to him, allowing him to pet her softly. He smiles, trying to think of a way to save Jet and I. He smirks as he finds a way, running to the ship and turnning on a monitor smiling as it flashes to life.

"Perfect" he says, typing in a long code.....

Jet is sitting silently on a prisson cott in some dark cell when I am wake up slowly on a cott of my own. It only takes me a few seconds to remember what happened. I sit up and groan from a slight cramp. He looks over at me as he hears me groan.

"Welcome to life" he says

"what?" I say

"good morning"

"where are we?" I say as I try to stand, feeling a surge of pain from my leg, forcing me to fall back down so I am sitting

"Blackghost headquarters"

"how did we get here, the last thing I remember was getting shot"

"Same here. I guess some agents were in that not-so-abandon building."

"how long were we out"

"A few days" a strange voice says from outside the cell. We both look to the door as a teen age boy no more than 17 years old walks in with a large tray of food. he sets it down and walks out, returning with some medical supplies . He sets the supplies down next to the food. Jet looks at my leg as the boy leaves. he takes some of the supplies and starts removing some bloody bandages from my right ancle. He sits infront of me as he changes the bandages. I watch, realizing I had been shot in the ancle. I flinch slightly as he peals the bandages off the wound. The last layer of bandages gets slightly stuck on the wound from the blood, he warns me it will hurt before he removes it, not giving me time to think. The pain surges up my body, causing me to cry out in pain. he carefully cleans the wound and rebandages it.

He throws the old bandages away, asking if I am hungry. I lay down as I shake my head to tell him now. He eats his share of the food, knocks to let the guard know they are doon with the food as he sets it next to the door. He lays on his cott, as the guard takes the tray away.

"Al will save us." Jet says, but He and I are both unsure of if that is posible......

The rest of the double zero cyblrgs are flying the ship over the ocean, after their narrow escape from the Blackghost invasion of the base. Britt is watching the radar when he suddenly spots somthing on it
"We have a strange signal coming from an island not far away" he says

"which island" Isaiah asks

"The one about 10 degrees south"

"I see a small fire down there"

"Should we land?"

"Yes, I t could be the others."

They take the ship down, landing virdical, the second they land, Al runs out of the woods, followed by Champion. Al quickly updates them aswell.

"We will find Mariah and Jet" Isaiah says once everyone is safely brought aboard the ship, which is flying West. "what Caused that strange signal" Isaiah asks Al

"One of the few unbroken peices of equipment on the plane." Al replies.
Frances and Isaiah leave to tend to those who were hurt in the crash. Frances sets 001 in his little basket as she walks by. Al watches the T.V. for once not bothering to ask it to be changed to the news. He slowly falls asleep...

Jet and I lay on our backs silently for many hours before a loud bang is heardfrom outside the cell. we both sit up as the door suddenly opens and GJ walks in followed by Al. jet stands as GJ picks me up. They run down the long hall, hurrying to avoid any guards, They manage to avoid agenst long enough for us to start getting on a plane. Jet runs into the plane first followed by GJ and I. Al fires his machine gun right ahnd at some of the agents as they show up. The ship takes off as Al shuts the door and heads to the hospitol area where Isiah and Jet are. GJ sets me down on a bed, where I quickly fall asleep. Jet has on an army green tank top, and Isaiah bandages one of his arms. He had just cleaned Jet's wound, which is midway between his left shoulder and his elbo, once he finishes with jet's wound, he cleans my wound, changing the bandages before he leaves to go back to his lab....

I have been able to walk for only a few hours as I hack into the BG files, from my computer. I find the file I was looking for, quickly printing it off. I turn the computer off as I slowly and painfully walk to Isaiah's lab with the file. I walk up behind him, setting the file down "Her name is kris, the latest cyborg, Her number is 0033"

"We will send Al and Jet after her, you need to rest."

"Fine, I will send them in" I say, slowly heading for the living romm
area. As I sit on the long couch I send Al and Jet to Isaiah's office. They both leave the room. I turn the science channel on, my favorite show, Myth Busters is on, and I smie as I watch them test the myth of the vanishing bullet...

Jet finds kris asleep in a recovery room, and he picks her up bridal style. her long deep red hair is tangled and messy. He walks out in the dark hallway. He walks quickly and quietly down the hall. He goes to the car Isaiah let them use. He lays her down in the back seat before he jumps into the passenger seat. Al floors the gas pedal. An agent comes out just as the car disappears from view.

After a few minutes, Kris wakes up, stretches and sits up.

"who are you" She asks them as she fastens her seatbelt.

"I'm Jet and this is Al. We are double zero cyborgs. We saved you from
BG, BlackGhost, You are a cyborg now"She only nods., and stays silent until she is led inside the base and to the living room where I am waiting, lost in another MythBusters episode. They introduce her to me, then leave to sleep, for it is late at night. I offer a seat next to me which she accepts.

"what was your life like before Blackghost found you?" I ask. She shyly tells me and pretty soon, we are talking like old friends. I offer to share my room with her and she smiles as she agrees. I ask Al to make sure a second bed gets put in.

"Alright, so long as Isaiah says its okay" he says.