Originally posted by Ridley_Prime
Well, Keith survived 3rd degree burns on 97% of his body according to Ellis, whom he talks about all the time, but here's all the stuff he says about him before he gets interrupted by the others:
* My buddy Keith tried camping out on top of a building once. He was shooting crows, but the police were too busy tear gassin' him to ask what he was doin' up there. He screamed for an entire year every single time when he opened his eyes! Oh man! At first it was funny, then it just got sad, but then it got funny again! Oh man!
* I knew this guy once who tried to set a world record for sittin' up on top of a Ferris wheel. He'd been up there for like, two days, and he wanted some beer, but they weren't givin' him any. So he got this rope--don't ask me where he got the rope from--
* I ever tell you about the time me and Keith made a homemade bumper car ride with ridin' mowers in his backyard? Mower blade wounds over 90% of his body. I didn't run him over either, he somehow managed to fall under his own.
* I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith drowned in the tunnel of love? You wouldn't think it could happen cause the water's so shallow, but that's how it gets you man. Overconfidence. Keith was with his lady at the time, and he was yellin' for her to save him, but she didn't want to get wet.
* I ever tell you about the time me and Keith snuck a paintball gun on a roller coaster? I never heard'a anybody else doin' it, so I thought we might'a invented a sport, so Keith called the patent office, but--
* I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith fell out the rollercoaster? Yeah he didn't drop far, mind you, just onto the tracks, but the carnival people wouldn't stop the ride 'cause all the other people paid good money and Keith snuck on for free, so he had to dodge for like twenty minutes or so.
* I ever tell you about the time Keith and I made fireworks? Now, I didn't know shit about chemistry, but Keith figured, "Gasoline burns, doesn't it?" Third degree burns on ninety-five percent of his body. Man, people in the next city over were calling to complain about the smell of burning skin.
* I ever tell you about the time Keith tried to deep fry a turkey? Third degree burns over ninety percent of his body. His doctor called up, like, other doctors to look at him cause they'd never seen burns on top of existing burns--
* Man, all this mud reminds me of my friend Keith. Yeah, he was goin' to build a shack once, to live in and all, and I know most people here, they build houses and they become shacks, but Keith, he was about jumpin' right to the shack stage. But he had no wood. So he got some mud and was makin' what we were all thinkin' was gonna be these adobe bricks, you know, like when them people out west made bricks and shit? Well, he had mud and...
* I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith got rolled by a 'gator in a swamp? Man he didn't agonize it or nothin', we were just tryin' to grab two so we could piss 'em off and get 'em into a fight. Well anyway the third time Keith went under I realized something was wrong so I--
* I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith drove his car off a cliff, broke both his legs? It's not a funny ha-ha story so much as a make-you-think story. For instance: windshields look pretty durable, right? Not the case, according to Keith. Son of a ***** flew right through that sucker--
* I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith and I were on the top of a burnin' building, and we had to fight our way down like five floors of zombies an - hey, wait a second...I guess that was you guys. Oh shit, man, I can't wait to tell Keith about that one!
* Did I ever tell you guys about the time me and Keith filled up water balloons with our own--
* I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith fell down an open manhole? He was unconscious down there for like a week. Durin' that time, unbeknowst to Keith, they paved over him. Keith had to--
* (In The Quarter safe house) My buddy Keith lived in a graveyard once for a whole year -- it wasn't a dare or nothin', he just got kicked out of his house. He said he NEVER saw a single ghost 'cept for this one time when a ghost stabbed him from behind and took all his money, and he might've just been a homeless guy, 'cause he had a robe on with two eyes cut out his face.
* (In the bridge safe room) One time the army bombed my buddy Keith. He went camping and didn't bother to read the signs, and I guess they were just testing bombs that day. All sorts of stuff too, not just regular bombs. Like biological nerve gas bombs, shrapnel bombs, these bombs that break up in the air into like a hundred smaller bombs--
* I ever tell you about the time me and Keith snuck into a Tunnel of Love? Man, if you get your spit thick enough, y'see, y'all can hang a loogie off the overhang, right, so when smoochin' sons of bitches behind you--
I demand Keith to appear in Left 4 Dead 3 so I can watch his humorous actions on screen and not through folk tales.
If that doesn't happen then at least let it be the Midnight Riders. Killing zombies while playing rock music, that almost tells Brutal Legend to go eat its heart out. With them being pyromaniacs like Coach and Ellis said, one of the new weapons should be a flamethrower.
Back on topic, the Midnight Riders win. It's four vs. one.