KMC Forums - Dark Helmet

Dark Helmet
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"Oh....your helmet is SO big!"

the Space Balls' second-in-command, is an obvious parody of Darth Vader. He resembles Darth Vader in appearance, but is much shorter, has a much larger helmet, and wears a tie. (However, he changes into a khaki uniform and an equally oversized pith helmet during the desert scene.) He speaks in a deep bass voice and breathes audibly, as the helmet hinders his breathing. This often causes him to lift his visor, revealing his bespectacled face and his intentionally normal voice. Helmet is the commander of the Spaceballs' "Imperious Forces" (a parody of the Imperial Forces in Star Wars, as well as the Imperious Leader from Battlestar Galactica), and commands the flagship Spaceball One (see below). He uses The Schwartz to discipline his subordinates, not by force grip (as with Darth Vader) but by crushing their testicles with the Schwartz. He enjoys playing with Spaceballs dolls, taking special pleasure in acting out a scenario in which he seduces Princess Vespa, but is embarrassed when anyone notices his playing. Vader's relationship to his nemesis Luke Skywalker is parodied by Helmet declaring himself Lone Starr's "father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate." which he sums up as making them "absolutely nothing".

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Quotes

"Come back here, you fat bearded *****! "

"So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb. "

Colonel Sandurz: Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.
Dark Helmet: [to audience] Everybody got that? ...Good!

Dark Helmet: No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's far too powerful.
Sandurz: But sir, what about your ring? Don't you have the Schwartz, too?
Dark Helmet: Naw, he got the upside, I got the downside. See, there's two sides to every Schwartz.

Dark Helmet: Fire a warning shot across her nose.
[Warning shot almost hits Vespa's Benz]
Dark Helmet: Careful, you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
Crosseyed Gunner: [lifts helmet, revealing that he's crosseyed] Sorry, sir! I'm doing my best!
Dark Helmet: ... Who made that man a gunner?
Crosseyed Major: I did, sir. [also crosseyed] He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: [to Sandurz] Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an *******, sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name, sir. *******, Major *******.
Dark Helmet: ... And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an ******* too, sir. Gunner's mate, First Class, Philip *******.
Dark Helmet: How many assholes have we got on this ship, anyhow?
[The entire bridge crew, except for one person, stands up and raises a hand.]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes... [Closes helmet] Keep firing, assholes!

Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at?! When does this happen in the movie?!
Colonel Sandurz: "Now", sir. You're looking at "now". Everything happening now [indicates himself and Helmet] is happening "now". [Indicates the screen]
Dark Helmet: What happened to "then"?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed "then".
Dark Helmet: When!?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. Were at "now," now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to "then"!
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: "Now?"
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why!?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When!?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: ... When will "then" be "now"?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: [backpedals in shock] How soon?
[Corporal rewinds the tape back to scene showing protagonists wandering in desert.]
Corporal: Sir!
Dark Helmet: What?!
Corporal: We have identified their location.
Dark Helmet: Where?!
Corporal: It's the moon of Vega!
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, set a course and prepare for our arrival!
Dark Helmet: [increasingly panicked] When?!
Corporal: 1900 hours!
Colonel Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners!
Dark Helmet: Who?!!

Colonel Sandurz: Sir?
Dark Helmet: [about to use the bullhorn to the workers uses it on Sandurz instead] What?
Colonel Sandurz: ... Are we being too literal?
Dark Helmet: [through the bullhorn] No you fool, we're following orders- we were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it! [puts down bullhorn] Find anything yet!?
Soldier: Nothing yet, sir!
Dark Helmet: How about you!?
Soldier: Not a thing sir!
[camera pans to two soldiers using an Afro Pick ]
Dark Helmet: What about you guys?
Black soldier: We ain't found shit!