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Worst Three-quel Ever (OUCH)
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Possibly here.

Gender: Female
Location: May or may not be somewhere else.

Worst Three-quel Ever (OUCH)

Has anybody else read this?

Captain Jack Sparrow, as played by Johnny Depp, gets a queasy look on his face. Another Jack Sparrow stumbles up to his backside. As three more loopy Jack Sparrows look on, the first one clucks and lays an egg into the hands of the second. Apparently anything can happen in the land of the dead. Surreal, lighthearted, fun—it is the antithesis of everything else in the two hour and forty-five minute snorefest “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.” The third installment of the box office record-breaking “Pirates” series is an extension of the overstuffed second film, “Dead Man’s Chest,” in every way. “At World’s End” is driven forward not of its own will, but by the impossibly tangled mess of storylines set up in last year’s movie. If number two was a scorned middle child fighting for attention, then “Pirates” 3 is a perpetual motion machine—not just because it seems to be on autopilot, but also because it seems like it will never end. Elizabeth Swann (Kiera Knightley) is out to rescue an undead(?) Sparrow with Capt. Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), who’s also not dead anymore and not terribly angry with Jack for killing him. Accompanying them is Tia Dalma (Naomie Harris), the heavily accented voodoo woman whose main function is to explain a bunch of ancient myths and rules to the audience. Maybe they should have picked someone that wasn’t impossible to understand. To make an incomprehensible story more incomprehensible, Chow Yun-Fat must speak through a thick mustache as Chinese pirate Sao Feng. He makes a lot of threats and misleading statements in a movie filled with them. Orlando Bloom, whose Will Turner was actually charming so long ago in the first “Pirates,” is now a non-entity in an even lesser role here. Relegated to the background for most of the film during a nonsensical lover’s quarrel held over from part two, he is still looking to free his father from the clutches of fishy pirate Davy Jones (Bill Nighy). He and Elizabeth refuse to talk—for no other reason than that’s what the script requires—stilting their romance even further. When they do finally get back on track, the result is a laugh-out-loud cheesy moment that neither actor can pull off convincingly. “Dead Man’s Chest” was a convoluted bore too, but at least it had two boffo action sequences— a duel that revolved around huge spinning wheels and an attack from the ocean’s legendary Kraken. In “At World’s End,” the mighty sea monster is beached and the same can be said about all the action in this film. When characters aren’t standing around trying to explain a bloated storyline has more tentacles than Jones’ beard ,they are either shooting cannonballs or having the same swordfight over and over. The set design and computer graphics are convincingly detailed, but amount to nothing. During one scene, the dialogue works itself into a dead end and there is nothing left for the characters to do. There is an uncomfortable pause. Then, all of a sudden, another arbitrary fight scene begins. Speaking of unmotivated action, there are so many double-crosses that it becomes exhausting trying to keep track of them all. It is impossible to get a grasp on anyone for very long, further alienating us from characters we already stopped caring about. Since pirates are infamous for their loyalty to no one, then some skullduggery is built into the nature of the movie. So then how exactly does the International Pirate Council function? If there is a worse idea for a pirate movie than an organized pirate union, I can’t think of one—except for maybe a much-hyped and completely thankless cameo from the Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards. Depp has admitted that Richards is the inspiration for Sparrow’s look, so why did they give the guitarist a ridiculous fake nose? His recent off-the-cuff remarks about snorting his father’s ashes are funnier than anything he’s given to do here. Screenwriters Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio may have been responding to criticisms of the last movie by multiplying the number of Depp’s appearances. Unfortunately, rather than spread him generously throughout the film, they stuff multiple Jack Sparrows into a couple of otherworldly sequences. Funny? Yes. Enough? No. More Jack is definitely better, but all at once not only shoots your wad, it leaves the less-inspired characters to fend for themselves for 165 endless minutes, while the script ties to tie up every loose end from part two. “At World’s End” has the inevitable duty of cleaning up after a sloppy sibling, but it didn’t have to emulate its older brother’s bad habits.

and this:


well. that sucked.

I just think the third is really bad... but it kinda is a really bad three-quel... *sigh*

I can't believe I'm saying this.


HIS force be with you.

Old Post Mar 24th, 2009 07:31 AM
Jaeh is currently offline Click here to Send Jaeh a Private Message Find more posts by Jaeh Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote Quick Quote
Savvy did my sig

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Actually, I agree with most of what it says. I know, you should all take me out and stone me to death, but the only reason I will tolerate AWE is because I love the characters and want to know what happens to them.

It's not that it's a bad movie and DMC is actually a pretty good movie despite what the article says, but there is way, way too much going on. T&T have said that they would finish writing scenes minutes before they would be filmed and were rushed. That's no excuse for professional writers, but think of all the time they had between COTBP and DMC. They could take their time, really think about what was going on, and actually create a tight plot within a 100% character-driven movie. It was a darker, more introspective step from COTBP, which is what the second movie in a trilogy is supposed to be. The third movie is supposed to close things up and give us resolution. AWE did not do that because it's too confusing and some things are just plain left out. While the Brethren Court is kind of a cool idea, it probably should have been scrapped because being an organized bureaucracy is supposed to be what pirates are against. Just my thoughts.


Old Post Mar 24th, 2009 12:31 PM
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Owl Girl

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I have to say that I didn't really like DMC or AWE. They, well....they were kind of boring.


Old Post Mar 24th, 2009 05:19 PM
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Not a sausage..

Gender: Female
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DMC is really good in my opinion! I just can't see how people think it's boring.. huh

I agree with you about AWE, Willo. I tolerate it. There are a few scenes I love but... all together it's a horrible mess..


Old Post Mar 24th, 2009 09:34 PM
IheartPocky is currently offline Click here to Send IheartPocky a Private Message Find more posts by IheartPocky Edit/Delete Message Reply w/Quote Quick Quote
Savvy did my sig

Gender: Female
Location: at the second star to the right

Exactly. Like the opening scene? Great, very creepy. Ditto to the scene where we first meet Sao Feng...back when we actually thought he'd get to do something. The Locker is okay. I was hoping for a more psychological interpretation, though, and something that would really make the Locker seem BAD/HELLISH rather than somewhat funny (and sexy since Jack is shirtless in it). Up until they point their guns at each other, it's nothing but exposition and things that don't make any sense.

AND THEN...and then...sigh. Will goes all piratey? Isn't that so out of character from his stance in COTBP? Did the writers not see how offended he was when Jack asked him if he was turning pirate and how much of a shock it was to Will that all the things he was doing to save Elizabeth were actually acts of piracy? Well, after his blonde moment has passed, Elizabeth gets the blondest moment out of anyone and willingly goes with Sao Feng? What did she think was going to happen? I have no idea how someone as evil as a would-be rapist could have so little to do, but AWE managed to pull that one off.

Jack Davenport must be losing sleep on deciding to be in the last part of the POTC series. Norrington is wasted. He was put to such good use in DMC and we got to see a whole new side of him. I was looking forward to him doing something just as unexpected and life-changing in AWE. Instead, I watch him have about ten minutes of screen time and DIE!

And then the pirates have an organized union? Awful. Sorry. It's really cool that Jack's dad is Keeper of the Code and that Jack votes Elizabeth King and she decides to fight and all that, but it makes no sense. You can almost hear a club president pounding his gavel above all the talking and arguing.

Parley is cool, one of the best scenes. And the final battle is very good, too, all up until the bittersweet ending that left no one happy. The willabethers basically got that ship dangled in their face and then pulled away from them. The sparrabethers got nothing, and the norribethers got a pretty hot, beautiful unrequited kiss. Something's wrong there. Speaking of kisses, I can almost hear T&T discussing the script.

Terry: Um, I can't think of what else we need to explain! What else should we do?

Ted: I don't know! I don't know!

Terry: (slaps him) Get a hold of yourself! We have to think of something.

Ted: Let's have Elizabeth kiss someone!

Terry: Good idea! And then we'll kill them!

Ted: Whew! Glad that's over. I feel calm now. Won't we lose our entire cast, though?

Terry: Nah. We'll just have Will come back as a literally heartless immortal psychopomp that will turn out to be a deadbeat dad just like his own dad was and never ever get to be with his one true love.

Ted: It's a love story for the ages.


Old Post Mar 25th, 2009 04:20 PM
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