I already started a love poem and I would like you folks to tell me if it is a good start:
Each day I always see you're wonderful face
It will be an image that I could never erase
Each night you're appearing in a dream
It will be a memory that will always make me deem
When I look deep into your eyes
I know that you're thinking about something nice
When tears are falling down your eyes
I know that the cause of this was filled with lies
Please add some replies about the poem and some correction if possible especially for the last sentence "I know that the cause of this was filled with lies" because I am not sure.
1. The manner in which you used the word "deem" is incorrect.
2. Try not rhyming on every line.
2nd Stanza
1. You rhymed "eyes" with "eyes"...that doesn't cut it.
2. You rhymed "nice" with "lies" and they don't actually rhyme.
3. The structure of the 2nd stanza is much different than your 1st stanza.
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Last edited by LanceWindu on Mar 7th, 2006 at 05:09 AM
Each day, I always see your wonderful face
It will be an image that I could never erase
Each night, you're appearing in my dreams
Like an angel, you're surrounded with beams
Some days, I look deep into your eyes
I know that you're thinking about something really nice
Other days, tears are falling down your eyes
I know that the cause of this was filled with lies
tip: could someone help me with that second sentence in the 2nd stanza?
I would appreciate it.
Oh, there's nothing wrong with that hun. It's just that the first and second stanza don't have the same rhyming scheme, so it doesn't flow as smoothly as it could
The second stanza could be something like:
Some days, when I look into your eyes,
I see the absence of your cold disguise.
Other days, tears are falling from your eyes;
I know that the cause of this was filled with lies
- Maybe some day, you will breeak my heart
- Then all my dreams will fall apart
- I will certainly be in state of pain
- The memories of that day will always make me insane
if i may, i dont want to out-do anyone but i thought i would fiddle with this and hopefully intertain while rendering your poem and changing to something that you may like....here goes
each day i see your form so true
may i forever be alone with you
at night your presence is not here
but in my dreams you are so clear
i fall headlong in your eyes mild stare
and find no sorrows anywhere
yet times tears fall along your face
makes me long to hold you, a warm embrace
to leave you now, would mean my end
and make me wonder sometime when
of what could be and of what should
and times of bad that turn out good
i know i changed the rhyme scheme and added the extra line, but i do hope it intertained you as well as helped out some..
Each day, I always see your wonderful face
It will be an image that I could never erase
Each night, you're appearing in my dreams
Like an angel, you're surrounded with beams
Some days, I look deeply into your eyes
I see the absence of your cold disguise
Other days, tears are falling from your eyes
I know that the cause of this was filled with lies
Maybe some day you will break my heart
Then all my dreams will fall apart
I will certainly be in the state of pain
The memories of that day will always make me insane
But I believe this will never be true
I hope that I will always be with you
This is the moment of truth and love
Let us both admire the stars above
Thank you for all of those helped me out.
(tip: I need a suggestion for a title)
Whisper me if you see any correction to be made please, I would appreciate it.
KMC Community Forums
Mar 7th, 2006 01:58 AM
