Q: Why did the blonde coed have sex with a Mexican guy?
A: The teacher told her to do an essay.
_________________________________
Q: What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and sperm?
A: One comes from Baghdad and the other comes from your dad’s bag
_________________________
Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s getting tired of it.
He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”
Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”
On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”
Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can’t find the son of a *****!”
_____________________________
Returning home from work, a blonde is shocked to find her house burglarized. She telephones the police, and a nearby K-9 unit is the first to respond. As the officer and dog approach the house, the woman storms out onto the porch and shouts, “I get robbed, I call the police for help, and they send me a blind cop?”
_____________________________________
heres another one of mine:
Q: What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, bang, clip-clop, clip-clop?
Marie went to sunday school, but she didn't like it so she always fell asleep in class.
One day the teacher who didn't realize she was sleeping asked her a question, Adam who was sitting behind her pokes her with his pen.
"Jesus Christ!" said Marie
"Right Answer" Said the teacher...
She fells back asleep and the teacher asks her another question, Adam pokes her again.
"God Almighty!!" said Marie
"Right Answer..."
And again, she fells asleep,
"What did Eve say when she had her 7th baby?" The teacher asks Marie.
Adm pokes her again...
"Damnit Adam if you stick that thing in me one more time I sweak i'll break it in half!"
lol, heres some i get in emails, and dan, some are thought up, some are off the internet
___
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.
_____________
heres one off of funny.com
Interesting facts (with interesting comments)
If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh my God...!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over
quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares! )
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about the pig?)
a man walks into a doctors office and says
"doc, after 5 children i decided i wanna get castrated."
"well ok, just step into my office...."says the doc.
so after a while the man pulls through his surgery and comes out with a special clip where "it" used to be. he starts to walk down the hall and notices a man with the same clip.
"oh got the same thing done, eh?" says the 1st patient
"yeah curcumsisions really hurt" says the 2nd
the 1st patient stops walking and says to himself
"SHIT! thats what its called".......
May i need to add dearest tht i am blonde....And lame-o jokes like tht will not get you on my goodside.............
if thts how you see us blonde as something tht gives it up so easy....then maybe you need to open your eyes and see us for what we really are. joke or not scott im offended
..... *crumples up list of blonde jokes and throws them in the trash*.....
okay... going to have to compramise, lets see *checks archive full of jokes* hmm, havent made fun of drunks yet... sure why not!
____
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”
“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
___
A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.
“It’s getting late, big boy,” she says after a few minutes. “Why don’t we go upstairs to bed.”
“We might as well,” slurs the husband. “I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.”
_________
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud realizes, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
“Me too.” replies Jim, “Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great. No hangover. No bad side effects…Nothing!
Then the phone rings and it’s Jim. “Hey, how do you feel this morning?” he asks.
“I feel great.” says Bub. “How about you?”
“I feel great too.” Jim responds, “I don’t even have a hangover, we ought to do this more often.”
“Yeah, well there’s just one thing…Have you farted yet?”
“No…”
“Well, don’t, ’cause I’m in Phoenix!”
_________
What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.
____________
Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk and passed out. Out of respect for the lady, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Red Sox cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Red Sox fan was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?” “Well,” said the officer. “I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Red Sox hat, I find an *******.”
____________
An old guy’s car collides with a young guy’s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.
The young guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days."
"Sure," says the old guy, convinced the young man’s crazy.
"And look at this!" says the young guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."
Again the old guy agrees, so the young guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren’t you having any?" asks the old guy.
"No, thanks," replies the young guy. "I’ll wait for the police."
KMC Community Forums
Sep 16th, 2004 06:03 PM
May i need to add dearest tht i am blonde....And lame-o jokes like tht will not get you on my goodside.............
*Sxc_Sarah*
