That's Awesome, Syren! I originally called it the "love shack' (song in mind), but figured that I should change it. I guess I was wrong.
Is that "Nearly Brainless Nick', or just "Brainless Nick'?
Maybe "Clearly Brainless Nick'?
Herpes looked up at Ron with a smile as she finished Harry’s spliff. “Ron, since we’re shagging now, I’d like you to wear this. Do it for me, pretty please?’ she pouted. She held out a 5LUT (SPEW) badge. “Not that sh-t again!’ groaned Ron. Harry decided this was his cue to leave, before she had a chance to ask him. He stood up, and was about to walk away from the Spliffindor table when IveDun'EmAll charged onto the stage. “Don’t leave yet students. I have an urgent announcement. I’m sure you’ve all heard the rumors of SmokeSummore’s demise, but I can assure you they are false. SmokeSports will not be closing! I’ve contacted substitute teachers and they will be arriving short- *Ooof*’ An ugly toad like beast had walked up to IveDun'EmAll and shoved her off the stage. “Get outta the way, bi+ch!’ it cried. It was followed by Cornholius Sludge, the Manager of Money (Minister of Magic). “Listen up you sniveling little sh-ts! I’m the Manager of Money; the head Don; the big cheese. What I say goes around this dive. Ya got that?’ he bellowed. “It’s that a55hole that’s after SmokeSummore’s bankroll’ groaned Harry. For years Sludge had tried to seize some portion of the major bank turned by the school. With SmokeSummore out of the picture, he had the perfect opportunity to assume control. His scheme was simple- He would create the illusion of saving the school from the brink of disaster, and rewrite the budget to misappropriate funds into his private bank account. “My assistant DullPoorAss DumbBi+ch (Dolores Umbridge), will be assuming the role of headmaster in SmokeSummore’s wake. You will have suitable replacement teachers appointed by the management (ministry). Existing faculty will be screened, and possibly replaced. All current faculty members are to report to Professor DumbBi+ch’s office located next to the Charms classroom immediately. Students: After reviewing the schedule, I’m forced to make some minor changes...’ said Sludge. “They can’t cancel Quidditch.’ said Ron as he uncapped a tube of super glue, and shoved the tip in his nose. “They can do whatever they want, if no one stops them’ warned Harry. “I’ll bloody kill ‘em, and wipe my hand on their robes’ growled Ron as he inhaled the fumes. “Let’s watch how this plays out, for now’ suggested Harry. They just announced that fifth year students must report to the Charms classroom at 1:00’ said Herpes. Harry’s attention was drawn toward the stage. DumbBi+ch was staring at him. She licked her wide toad lips. Harry was locked in the stare wondering if the beast was going to hop off the stage and devour him. “Well, mate, it looksh like IveDun'EmAll broke hur hip again’ said Ron, snapping Harry out of the trance. He looked at Ron, and fought the laughter that had burst forth within him. The super glue had flowed out of the tube, and in his haste to wipe it off, Ron had inadvertently glued his top lip to his left nostril in such a manner as to resemble a hairlip. Ron glanced over at Ginny, who was on the edge of her seat having a giggle fit. Once again Harry’s attention returned to the stage, but this time it was focused on Sludge. Sludge was now talking about Quidditch. “The Qudditch match between Spliffindor and RavenDraw for the house cut (house cup) will be held at 2:00, not 4:00 as previously scheduled. As always, the winning team will keep the profit turned by their house over the course of the year. It will be distributed among them as the headmaster sees fit. The School Ball (Yule Ball) in honor of the winning team will be held this evening at 6:00’ dictated Sludge. Ron pulled his lip free. “Bloody hell! That means we’re not having our victory breakfast this year. I swear to god, one more day of mash and I’ll kill those drunken elf bas+ards myself.’ he spat. Herpes glared at him. “What?!’ cried Ron. “We’ve already heard the important sh-t. You want to join me at the vending machines?’ asked Harry. Ron eagerly followed him while Ginny and Herpes stayed out of concern for IveDun'EmAll. “Find a place for us to sit, and I’ll get the snacks’ said Harry. “I’ll have a Cream Soda, and a Chocolate Bong (Chocolate Frog) please’ said Ron as he sat down at a snack table. “Fair enough’ said Harry. He brought their snacks to the table, and sat down facing Ron. Ron wolfed down his chocolate bong, and took a chug of his cream soda. Harry lit a couple of spliffs and handed one to Ron, who eagerly accepted it. “Ron, I don’t think you should try to shoot Sludge with that gun.’ said Harry. Ron scratched his head looking confused, and suddenly cracked up laughing. “Your fried’ he choked nearly losing his spliff. Harry didn’t say anything, but gave him an earnest stoner look. Ron rolled his eyes. “Why?’ he asked. “Without a headmaster, we can’t win the house cut this year. We’ve worked too hard to throw it all away like that’ explained Harry. “Alright, but as soon as we get it, they’ll get what’s coming to them’ said Ron. “Right then, I think it’s time we go back and check on IveDun'EmAll.’ said Harry.
Myrtle returned to RapeAndEnjoy’s bed chamber, only to discover it was empty. “Now where’d that willie go?’ she wondered. She searched the entire castle, but he’d vanished. She heard SmokeSummore had been killed by the MI6, and his corpse was being burned with the others. She intended to give him the bad news, but had she realized RapeAndEnjoy disguised himself as a dildo and was patiently waiting on Herpes night stand, she wouldn't have given a damn.
Flashback twenty four hours earlier:
Myrtle had waited in the bathroom nearly 12 hours for Harry. The only one that checked in was Onna Promise, but he’d hit the Sinsemilla so hard he was too stoned to fu<k. To top it off, some government dick heads tried to shoot her for failing to obey orders in a timely manner. “I’m the dominatrix, I don’t do the slave bit’ she thought. After being fired upon, she’d left the washroom and found Fred and George Weedley dispatching an MI6 agent to hell. The twins were fortunate, they caught him off guard while he was lighting a cigarette. “Smoking will kill you’ laughed Fred. They stopped briefly for George to equip his gear, and take his money. “What’s all this, then?’ asked Myrtle. “Can’t chat now, luv. We’re clearing a path so others can get out.’ explained George as the twins stepped away from the body, and moved down the hall. Myrtle followed close behind. “Clearing a path? What you’ll do is draw their attention’ cried Myrtle. “Once we’ve cleared the path. We’ll create a diversion’ said Fred. “If you go on killing the few grunts in the castle, they’ll come in greater numbers and execute students out of revenge’ shouted Myrtle. “They were executing students before we lifted a finger. We’re not bloody sheep to be lead to slaughter’ spat Fred. “Besides, we have something special in mind.’ said George as he turned giving a wink. Myrtle’s ghostly cheeks flushed. They opened the secret entrance to their shop, and dashed around the counter. “We’re businessmen, and businessmen don’t waste product, but if we let the MI6 kill all our bloody customers, we’ll be out of business.’ explained Fred as they stuffed their inventory in three industrial strength trash sacks. It would take the MI6 time to round up students. They would kill the faculty, and the small number they had pulled from the great hall first. “Give us a hand, luv?’ asked George. Myrtle obliged, taking one of the sacks. They each carried a sack through a secret passage that would take them straight to the dungeons. When they reached the entrance, Myrtle turned invisible and left her bag with the Weedleys. She floated through the stone wall ahead of them and cased the path, but quickly returned with the news. “There are three agents. Two are keeping watch in the corridor, and one in Slate’s office looking through files. The room ahead of us is clear’ she said as she picked up her sack. They quietly pushed open the stone wall, and stepped out. They had to make their way to the sub-dungeons under a trap door in the potions class room. “This isn’t going to be easy’ said Myrtle. “Myrtle, if you would seduce the MI6 in the corridor, we’ll slip into the classroom while they’re distracted’ said. “Leave it to me’ said Myrtle. She turned invisible once more, and floated through the walls toward the agent in Slate’s office. His hands were in a filing cabinet; his helmet and rifle lay on Slate’s desk. She quickly turned corporeal, and grabbed the gun off the desk. She blew his brains out before he realized she was in the room. The other two agents ran toward the office, and unloaded their 30 round magazines through the closed door like cowards. Fred and George could tell from the sound of things that Myrtle hadn’t followed the plan. George set his rifle to full auto, and jumped out of the chamber blindly firing down the corridor. Although the agents were wearing head to toe armor, they were out of ammo and thus unable to return fire. The repetitious impact of the slugs managed to take them to the ground with pain. Myrtle opened the door, and pulled their helmets off. *Blam* Blam*. She killed both agents, and floated back toward her sack. “The BaccyTins are dead, we don’t need to worry about drawing attention to this part of the castle’ she said. “Shots fired, shots fired! Move! Move! Move!’ cried a nearby voice. They jumped back in the chamber with Myrtle and waited for the agents to pass. “That was bloody brilliant, luv’ whispered George as he lit his bong wand, and took a hit. He passed it to Myrtle who took a hit so massive her ghostly form expanded three times its original size. “You want to get rid of these sh-ts for us?’ asked Fred, but Myrtle was still holding her breath. They heard the sound of approaching footsteps growing louder. The tension was mounting, and then Myrtle exhaled filling the corridor with smoke. “Smoke grenade!’ cried a grunt. The MI6 opened fire toward the doorway, but slowly the barrage of bullets stopped. There was sniggering, and guffaws coming from around the corner. Fred peered out. Two MI6 were looking at each other laughing their asses off, one agent was staring off into space, and one more was taking his clothes off. “They can’t handle their weed! We should be able to make it to the sub-dungeons if we move quickly’ said Fred. George turned and grabbed his sack, but noticed Myrtle was missing. *Blam*Blam*Blam*Blam*. “Let’s go now!’ cried Fred. George grabbed Myrtle’s sack just as Fred grabbed hold of him and flung him into the corridor. Fred pulled him down the hall and into the classroom. They ran over to the trap door and cast the spell to open it. They had positioned themselves well, and landed on the sacks. Myrtle looked around and discovered that she had been left behind. “Those cheeky bas+ards’ cried Myrtle. “It came from down there’ cried a distant voice. Myrtle felt the need to unleash some more pent up aggression regardless of who she put in danger. She floated down the corridor and up the steps, with blood lust in her eyes.
The twins inspected the trash sacks for rips, and started to make their way toward the main castle air duct when someone turned the corner and blocked their path. It was Professor Opium.
“Boys, what are you doing down here?’ cried Opium. “The real question is: Why are we down here?’ said Fred. “But since your standing in our way, why not hear your story first?’ said George. “Oh you know me, I ran out of werewolf serum and Slate trapped me in the sub-dungeons for dry humping his leg’ said Opium lightly. “I’ve spent a whole day down here, trying to remember how to get the fu<k out! You boys wouldn’t know by chance, would you?’ he asked “Yes mate, but we need to do something first.’ explained George. “Good, I’ll accompany you’ said Opium. “Then you can carry this’ said George, as he handed a sack to Opium. The sub-dungeons were labyrinthine and treacherous. Opium’s stomach was growling. “Oh man! Did you boys bring anything to eat?’ he asked as he peered inside the sack he was carrying. “Yes, we’re planning on having a bloody picnic down here’ said Fred in a tone of irritation. Opium was sure he smelt chocolate, but he wasn’t going to press the issue. They were, after all, his only chance to escape. When they finally reached the duct, they conjured up some ice and emptied all three trash bags into a lose piece of conduit. The natural updraft would act as the sucking mechanism. “Hold this under your tongue’ commanded Fred. “What is it?’ asked Opium. “Antidote’ said George as he placed one under his own tongue. They cast incendio on the giant wad, and the smoke was drawn up the shaft. They had turned the ventilation system into a giant bong. “Now can we get the hell out of here?’ asked Opium. The twins opened a secret passage Opium had never seen before, and came out in the BaccyTin common room. “1,000 fu<king points to Spliffindor!’ cried Opium. “You’re on your own now professor. Just don’t eat anything until the antidote has fully dissolved. You don’t want to swallow it!’ warned George. “I’m fu<king hungry!’ complained Opium as he spat the antidote out of his mouth. “I don’t give a wank how fried I am, I’m going to eat something’ he said as he ran off to raid the kitchen. Fred and George lost the majority of their product, and as businessmen do, they were going to recover some portion of their loss. They grabbed the gear, and money of the dead agents, shoving them in their empty trash sacks. As they continued their assent, they were astonished at the number of dead bodies. “Myrtle must have been on a bloody roll!’ exclaimed George. When they had filled all three sacks, they returned to their shop to restock their shelves with a different sort of product.
Myrtle was firing out of a castle window at the agents. The MI6 would have lead a full assault on the castle had it not been for their fear of chemical warfare agents. A heavy pungent smell was drifting from the castle that made the agents closest to it feel light headed. Those brave enough to venture inside had gone mad on the spot. One grunt was gently pulling on another’s cock, while six more were laughing hysterically, and two were having trouble standing up. Before three minutes had passed, they were all lying unconscious on the stone floor. Seeing what happened to the men inside, the agents feeling the effect of the vapors panicked. Running, and screaming for medical aide. They were shot dead by their own men to keep the contamination from spreading. The area around the castle was quarantined. They had the low ground, while this enemy kept picking them off. “It must be SmokeSummore. The dirty bas+ard is wearing Kevlar’ said the team leader. No matter how often they returned fire, they were the ones taking casualties. Not even their elite snipers could kill this freedom fighting insurgent. The team leader would have called for retreat, but Myrtle ran out of ammunition. She figured that she’d done enough. She was horny, and looking for a different kind of action now. She floated down stairs and found Clearly Brainless Nick urinating on a bust of Queen Elizabeth. She’d passed him once before, but now she took notice of his large ghostly cock. She dropped her robes, and came up behind him rubbing her bare breasts against the back of his robes. Nick was startled. “What the hell is on my back?’ he cried. “You’ll find out soon enough’ purred Myrtle as she grasped hold of his cock. “Oh, thank you, I was having trouble aiming that. Get some in her eye, if you would!’ exclaimed Nick. Myrtle felt Nick up. It was making her excited. Here’s some yummy Ice cream for you to lick, Nick’ she lied as she positioned herself on his face. “I say! This is the worst ice cream that I’ve ever tasted.’ grumbled Nick. “Keep eating or mommy will punish you’ admonished Myrtle. “No, mommy! I’m a good boy. Look, I’m eating all my ice cream.’ cried Nick. “Yeheeessss, tha-t’sss mommeeesss guh-good little boyeee.’ squealed Myrtle as her ghostly eyes fluttered and her abdomen contracted.
It was time to follow the others to SmokesWeed. Fred and George had walked back to the one fried witch, and were in the process of opening the passage when they heard a loud booming voice cry out “Alright you Government maggots! Listen up and listen good…’. “It couldn’t be’ cried George. They ran to the closest window and peered out. SmokeSummore had returned to SmokeSports. “Well, that solves the problem’ said Fred. “Let’s join Professor Opium in the kitchen’ suggested George. “I wouldn’t mind having a little snack myself’ replied Fred. They walked to the kitchen and spat out the antidote. Opium was sitting on a stool still clutching his sandwich. His gaping mouth was stuffed with food, and he was making a gurgling noise. “He’s wasted’ laughed Fred. “I doubt he’ll mind if we use some of the ingredients he left laying about.’ said George. They each made a sandwich of their own, but before they could finish eating, they had also succumbed to the heavenly vapors that still hung thick in the air. The three of them sat there, stoned out of consciousness, and gurgling with their stuffed mouths gaping open. They had found nirvana.
An explosion outside created a gust of sour air that considerably thinned the vapors in the castle. “What the bloody hell was that?’ cried Clearly Brainless Nick. “Keep licking!’ demanded Myrtle.
Present day:
Harry and Ron walked back to the Great Hall, unprepared for the spectacle they were about to witness. Sludge, and DumbBi+ch were gone, and a small crowd had gathered around IveDun'EmAll. “She broke her hip, and she’s unconscious’ cried Professor Opium. He conjured up a stretcher, and asked the students to form a gap so they could carry her out. Ron, and Harry followed as Herpionme Ganja and Sho’ Thang carried the headmistress outside, where Opium used his wand to summon a magic ambulance. The bodies of the dead littering SmokeSports grounds had been gathered into piles, and were burning. Harry lit his bong wand, and toked. They loaded IveDun'EmAll in the back, and watched as it vanished from sight. “Where are they taking her?’ asked Harry. “St MaryJane’s Hospital of Narcotic Remedies (St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies). With the right sh-t, anything is possible’ explained Ron.
Meanwhile, Sludge and DumbBi+ch were prepared to screen the existing faculty. “Send in the first one’ cried Sludge. A soused elf (house elf) appeared in front of DumbBi+ch’s Desk. “Preacher (Creature) the Soused Elf’? asked Sludge. “Verily I say unto you, it is so’ cried Preacher. “I see from your record that you work in the kitchen. You’re slave labor, so there’s no reason to replace you. Your appearance is acceptable. Did you bring any of your culinary genius for me to sample?’ asked Sludge. “Brother Sludge, I have no sample of my own to give you. One of my fallen brethren hath bestowed upon me a gift, of which I can not partake. Please accept this humble offering’ said Preacher as he handed Sludge a bottle of wine. “Why, did this used to be water?” laughed Sludge. DumbBi+ch joined him in guffawing at the elf. “May god have mercy on your souls’ lamented Preacher. “I’m a politician, I have no soul’ laughed Sludge. “Brother Sludge, don’t give in to the darkness!’ cried preacher. “Hail Satan’ screamed Sludge and DumbBi+ch in unison. “You may leave now’ said DumbBi+ch, and Preacher vanished as suddenly as he had appeared. “Now we know why the other elves want to kill him’ said Sludge. DumbBi+ch noded her head in agreement.
“Next’ cried Sludge. Fifth (Filtch) swaggered inside, and nearly fell on his ass trying to take a seat. Fifth wasn’t a clean man, he’d gone a whole year without washing, and hadn’t shaved for a month. His teeth were black; his coveralls were encrusted with vomit, and what appeared to be multi-layer excrement stains. Some of it must have been fresh judging from the noise when he finally managed to sit down. DumbBi+ch began coughing. “Cor!...’ cried a startled Sludge as he turned his head as though to avoid the smell. “Are you Mr. Fifth, the caretaker?’ asked Sludge. “Yes, guvner, that’d be me.’ replied Fifth. “*Cough* cough*’ DumbBi+ch choked. Sludge had to resist his natural instinct to run from the room gasping for air. Fifth was the most disgusting man, or beast Sludge had ever seen. “Don’t you have a change of clothes?’ asked Sludge. “No, guv’ner. Only got what’s I’m wearing; I even wear it to bed’ said Fifth. “Are you drunk?’ asked Sludge. “Not as drunk as, as I’d likes teh be’ Fifth slurred. ”Right then, shall we get you out of here before I die of inhalation? First question: Are you willing to continue working here with a significant pay cut?’ asked Sludge. “’ell no, guv’ner. We are not that person, because that’s not the kind of person we wants to be. We did not takes that fing. That fing wot peoples been sayin’ we done. That’s not the kind of person we are, sir… What were the question?’ asked Fifth as he pulled out a flask and took a mighty swig. “Drinking on the job’ said Sludge as DumbBi+ch continued taking notes. “Yeh gotta drink to deal wiff deh little sh-tz wot live ‘ere, sir’ slurred Fifth. “Noted! Next question: What do you think of my administration?’ asked Sludge. Oh, guv’ner, I don’t know nuffin’ ‘bout that” replied Fifth. “I’m not the governor; I’m the Manager of Money. You may call me Manager, or Mr. Sludge’ he said in a tone of blatant irritation. Sludge briefly waited for acknowledgement, but there wasn’t any. Fifth just sat there staring cock eyed at him. “Right then: Mr. Fifth, have you ever, or are you now, involved in any civil rights, or anti-authoritarian group(s)?’ asked Sludge. “Beggin’ your pardon, guv’ner?’ asked Fifth. “Bloody lush, I told you to call me Manager!’ snapped Sludge. “I finks I can manage that.’ replied Fifth. “Good man, now please listen to the question: Have you ever, or are you now, involved in any civil rights, or anti-authoritarian group(s)?’ asked Sludge. “We heard you the firs’ time guv’ner, but we don’t know what ann-tee-aw-for-it-aer-ee-ann means.’ explained Fifth. “No! For the last goddamn time, I’m the Manager of Money.’ screamed Sludge. “Guv’ner?’ asked Fifth confusedly. “Get out!’ spat Sludge. “I fink that went ravur well’ said Fifth as he stepped out of DumbBi+ch’s office. He bent down and petted Mrs. Wh@reAss (Norris) lovingly on her head. “Come on, me pet. Time to go to work’ Fifth slurred. She mewed softly and followed her master. Mrs. Wh@reAss wasn’t a real cat. She was a 12 year old sex slave dressed in cosplay, Fifth bought from the Chinese mafia years ago.
After that little fiasco, Sludge needed a drink of his own. He opened the bottle of House Elf wine and guzzled down a fourth of it. “This is the strangest wine I’ve ever tasted.’ he thought. Sludge was no fool when it came to wine, he was a connoisseur, but he couldn’t place the flavor. He had DumbBi+ch taste it, but she was also unable to identify the taste. He examined the label. It read “Knobby the Soused Elf’s Vintage Wine’. His curiosity fueled, he told the receptionist to stray from the numbered order, and send in Knobby (Dobby) the Soused Elf. Knobby appeared at once before the Manager. “Knobby the Soused Elf?’ queried Sludge. “My real name’s Carl, but I’m called knobby on account of the large knobby balls dangling around my knees, down there. I wanted ‘em to call me Hot Carl, but what ya gunna do?’ croaked Carl in a low manly voice as he put his blunt out in DumbBi+ch’s ash tray. Sludge peered over the desk, and nearly fell on his head when he saw Carl’s grapefruit sized bollocks hanging out either side of his little red thong. Sludge was disgusted beyond words. “DumbBi+ch, make an addition to the budget. Let’s get this soused elf a truss’ ordered Sludge. “Yeah, I hear ya. You want me to cover up my package. I can’t disagree with ya, on account that you’re the new boss’ croaked Carl. “Carl, is it? Would you mind sharing the fruit of your wine with us? asked Sludge as he showed the bottle to the elf. Carl threw his head back and gave a great manly roar of laughter. “Mind? No, I wouldn’t mind!’ he chuckled. “What is it, then?’ asked Sludge impatiently. “Dingleberries. Yeah, I harvested them just this morning. I made it for Preacher, cause he pisses me off’ croaked Carl. Sludge vomited on DumbBi+ch’s desk, and looked over at her. She had turned a sickly green complexion to match her toad like body. “Is that all you wanted, cause I have to clean the kitchen before the others make lunch’ Croaked Carl. Sludge thought he previously vacated the entire contents of his stomach on DumbBi+ch’s desk, but suddenly realized he’d been mistaken. He vomited once again, this time on his robes. DumbBi+ch couldn’t hold her breakfast in either. She vomited on her clip board. Carl took their reaction as affirmation, and vanished. Sludge was trembling, his stomach now aching from being emptied. “No…more….interviews!’ he gasped.
Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Herpes had been so bummed out they fooled around the common room, smoking their bong wands. Now that IveDun'EmAll, and CockPart were gone, the only real teacher left at SmokeSports, was Professor Opium. “It’s almost lunch time’ said Herpes. “Great’ Ron replied. They walked back to Great Hall, and took their seats. “Looks like we’re having leftovers today. Lazy bloody elves! Look at this! Someone’s chewed on this biscuit’ cried Ron. “Maybe they didn’t feel like cooking after what happened to IveDun'EmAll’ suggested Herpes. “Yeah, that also explains the mash we had for breakfast three times this week’ said Ron sarcastically. “Ron’s right. The damn elves are useless’ cried Ginny. Sludge slithered up behind them. “I had to make some budget cuts, now eat your lunch!’ he spat. “Toad fu<ker’ growled Ron. ”What was that?’ snapped Sludge. Ron started to pull his gun out, but Harry stopped him. “Not yet! After we get the house cut’ whispered Harry. They picked through the leftovers, trying to find ungnawed pieces of meat, and bread. “There’s mold on this’ cried a HubblyPuff holding a muffin. “Shut up and eat’ commanded Sludge. “I thought the elves were supposed to throw the leftovers in the garbage’ growled Ginny. “They are. Sludge must have told them to dig it out’ groaned Herpes as she pushed her plate away. “This is the second meal today that we’ve missed.’ growled Ginny. “Then lets get something from the vending machines’ Harry suggested again. They walked back to the machines and noticed the prices had been gouged. “Sh-t!’ growled Ginny. Herpes, Ginny, and Ron were digging through their pockets for change. “No, I got this’ said Harry. They beamed at him, until he turned toward the machine and put his foot through the glass. “Lets see, I’ll have five Twinkies, two bags of chips, three sausages, and a chocolate bong. How about you lot? Awe, hell- I’ll let you pull it out yourselves’ said Harry as he sat down at a table and started eating without them. “Something troubling you mate?’ asked Ron. “Yeah, I need a drink’ declared Harry. He conjured up a crow bar, and pried open the cola machine. “Got enough?’ asked Ron. “For now’ said Harry as he carried five cans of Dr Pepper back to his seat. “Someone’s going to have to pay for the damages’ said Ron. And that’ll be the git that gave us garbage for lunch, and hiked the prices on the vending machines’ replied Harry. None of them would disagree with his reasoning; they were momentarily immobilized by jealousy. Why hadn’t they thought of doing it? They were digging through their pockets for change like a pack of imbeciles, and Harry was acting cool. Hunger quickly got the best of them, and they joined him at the table. People passing by took advantage of the situation, grabbing free cola and munchies. They ate and drank until the machines were empty. When they were finished, they went back to their common room for the materials they needed for Charms, not knowing what to expect. “This’ll be fun’ groaned Ron as they were walking to the classroom. Upon entering they were commanded to be seated. “This is your fifteen minute orientation class. Here we will get to know you, and you will learn your place. I am Professor DumbBi+ch’ she said as she wrote her name on the chalk board. “I work for the Manager of Money, and I have assumed the position of headmaster. There will be no questions. I’m going to take roll call. If a student is not on the list, or absent, they will be expelled’ she continued. Roll call went horribly wrong. A quarter of the students were too stoned to remember their own names. “I just love it! You want to play games with me? I can play games! How about we cancel Quidditch?’ she bellowed. “You can’t do that!” cried Harry. She glared at him. “No, I think I have something even better in mind’ she said angrily. “Detention Pothead! You can wait here with me while Spliffindor loses the match’ she gloated. Harry suddenly wished Ron had bullets to kill them. As orientation ended, he grabbed hold of Ron. “You’ll have to play seeker’ he told Ron. “I’ve never played seeker before, I can’t do it!’ cried Ron. “Of course you can, remember what you learned from Herpes’ cried Harry. “Let me use your broom’ begged Ron. “Fine, just get your ass to the field’ said Harry. He turned back toward DumbBi+ch and glared at her loathingly. When the other students were gone, DumbBi+ch locked the door, and glared back at him. “Do you know why you’re being detained, while I let the others leave?’ she asked. Harry remained silent and continued glaring at her with hate. “You’re a wild colt, and I’m going to tame you. It’s time to learn your place is under a powerful woman’ she said. Harry shot up from his seat and positioned himself on the opposite side of the room as DumbBi+ch. “I haven’t been laid in 30 years!’ she said as she eagerly pulled off her robes. “I can believe it!’ exclaimed Harry. Out of the corner of his eye he saw an open door. Without thinking he dashed toward it, and crashed into the Mirror of Erised, and cut his hand. It had been an illusion created by the mirror. He was lying on the floor midst the shards, and barely managed to roll over in time to see DumbBi+ch lunging at him. “Nooooooo!’ he cried out, and suddenly was silenced.
Out on the field Ron was wearing Harry’s seeker uniform. Let me get this straight. This is the first time you’ve played Seeker, and Harry tapped you to be his bloody replacement?’ cried BallSniffer Wood (Oliver Wood). “That’s right’ said Ron. Wood took a slug of scotch. “Why not? Alright, the rules are very simple. You chase after the moldy snatch, and… Where’s the bloody snatch?’ cried Wood. “The HubblyPuffs stole it’ said Ginny. “Ah Christ, not again!’ exclaimed Wood. “We can use this’ said Fred holding out a Fleshlight. “Where in blazes did you find something like that?’ asked Wood. “Sludge had an accident on the bog, and left that in the stall’ said George. “I don’t bloody care; it’s a snatch’ said Wood. They cast a spell on it to make it zip about. “Okay, this is our moldy snatch. Your job is to ream it on the end of your broom. When your broom cums, the game is over.’ Explained Wood. “That’d be like having Sludge’s sloppy seconds’ said Ron disgustedly. “Be grateful it isn’t your willie goin’ in it’ said Wood. They positioned themselves for kickoff, and took the required toke on their bongs. The Waffle (Quaffle) was tossed in the air. It was time for some “Leggo my Eggo’. RavenDraw were swift, but Spliffindor was ahead by twenty points. Ron was looking desperately for the snatch, and then he saw it over the crowd. He flew at it, but the RavenDraw seeker had seen it first. It bounced off the end of the other seeker’s broom. “Damn, this really is like chasing snatch. No wonder Harry’s so good at it!’ thought Ron. “The RavenDraw girls are pulling out their Stoners Gone Wild move’ cried Lee JointFan (Jordan). Ron’s eye’s were drawn toward the RavenDraw girls. They were flashing their breasts, distracting the Spliffindors while their team mates scored. “I would tell you the score, but I’m not able to look away’ cried Lee. Ron used every ounce of greed in his body; he wanted the house cut more than anything in the world. He barely managed to pry his eyes away from the creamy RavenDraws. He had lost track of the snatch! He was looking around desperately, when he finally saw it. The RavenDraw seeker was nearly on top of it. It would be impossible for him to win now. “What would Harry do?’ thought Ron. Then the words Harry spoke came back to him. “Remember what I learned from Herpes… Of course!’ cried Ron. He reached into Harry’s pocket; pulling out a thick wad of money. He waved the bills in the air to draw the snatch’s attention. The snatch instantly shot across the field and reamed itself on the end of Harry’s broom, which it enthusiastically rode until- *Splurt*. The game ended, Spliffindor won the house cut! They carried Ron back to the common room chanting his praises. Professor Opium joined in the celebration. Toilet paper was flying through the air, several Spliffindors were shagging, and the Weedley brothers were sharing what little crack they had left. It was the happiest moment in Ron’s life. Twenty minutes later, Harry hobbled through the portrait entrance. He was a wreck. His Robes were torn, and filthy, and he could barely walk. “Who won?’ he asked. “We did, mate. Thanks to your advice’ cheered Ron. Harry looked at Ron through empty, almost soulless eyes. “That’s good’ said Harry. He hobbled over to an empty chair and sat down staring at the fire. “Detention couldn’t have been that bad. I mean, you knew we’d win’ said Ron. “In space no one can hear you scream.’ Harry said without displaying any form of emotion. “I know what you need, mate. I’ve got just the thing.’ said Ron as he tossed a crack pipe in Harry’s lap. “Smoke it, it’ll cheer you up’ said Ron. Harry didn’t say a word. He just sat staring at the fire. Ramafist Crack’s face suddenly appeared in the fire. “Smoke the fu<king thing, ya pu55y!’ he cried. Professor Opium looked Harry over. “Good lord!’ cried Opium. “What is it?’ asked Ron worried that the Harry he’d known was lost to them forever. “He’s cut his hand’ said Opium. “Did DumbBi+ch do this to you? Tell me she did, I’ll kill that cow!’ cried Ron. “No, she had to do something much worse than cut Harry’s hand to cause him this much anguish’ said Opium. “There must be something we can do about it’ said Ginny. “There is, we need to erase his memories of his most recent past’ explained Opium as he tied off Harry’s arm. He pulled out a syringe wand and injected the contents into Harry’s vein. Within minutes Harry sat up looking around as though merely disoriented. “What’s going on?’ he asked. “You had a minor medical condition, but you needn’t worry. Ron took your place on the field, and Spliffindor won the house cut’ explained Opium. Harry looked puzzled at Opium, and then at Ron. “Then lets celebrate!’ exclaimed Harry. “Sorry, mate. The celebration’s over. It’s time to collect our earnings’ explained Ron.
They marched into the great hall expecting the fruit of their labors. Sludge was snorting three lines of cocaine off a shard of the mirror of Erised, while sitting on SmokeSummore’s chair. DumbBi+ch was sitting directly beside him in IveDun'EmAll’s chair, seemingly oblivious to Sludge’s actions. Congratulations, Spliffindor. We now present you with your house cut.’ Said DumbBi+ch. She snapped her fingers and two soused elves carried in a large chest. One of them handed Ron the key. Ron opened the chest, and all smiles quickly turned sour. “A single twenty’ screamed Ron. “We worked hard all year for that money, and all we get is a fu<king twenty pound note?!’ exclaimed Ginny. “No, that’s American money. Its worth about eleven pounds’ said Herpes. Uproar ensued. Sludge held up his hand. “The headmaster determines how to appropriate the funds’ said sludge. They looked at DumbBi+ch. “There was no room in the budget, so your money was wisely invested back into the school. You all must pay your fair share, so the school deficit can be paid. We have to consider your future’ said DumbBi+ch. “There is no deficit’ cried Fred. “I’LL KILL YOU!’ screamed Ron as he reached in his pocket for his gun. It wasn’t there. He had forgotten that he was wearing Harry’s seeker robes.. “If you have any complaints, I suggest that you take it up with my Lawyers (Aurors)’ Sludge laughed and smiled grotesquely at them. A group of cruel looking whizzards dressed in black uniform robes were pointing their wands at Ron. Sludge had dealt them a harsh blow, and he was going to savor their agony. “You don’t like strong leaders, but you will learn submission.’ said Sludge gloating. “When did acting like an a55hole become strength?’ spat Ron. “Crucio’, the lawyers cried, and Ron fell to the floor in horrific pain. He was writhing on the ground as his torturers laughed at him. “That’s enough! You’ll kill him’ screamed Ginny. A few Lawyers looked disgusted at her, and they turned the curse upon her. The Spliffindors didn’t fall back or retreat as Sludge expected. They advanced towards him, and he was starting to look worried. “Stop them or we’ll tear your bloody limbs off with our bare hands, and shove ‘em up your arse hole’ cried George. “That’s enough!’ bellowed Sludge, seeing he was about to loose control over the situation. “You have your earnings, now get out!’ he spat. “This isn’t over’ cried Ron as they carried him out. They returned to the Spliffindor common room, while Herpes found professor Opium and explained what happened. “The Cruciatus Curse, is an unforgivable curse, whizzards are forbidden from using it. It causes loss of intoxication, and really pisses off the guy you use it on, which isn’t cool’ explained Opium. He gave Ron and Ginny some laudanum. “They should feel better within the minute’ said Opium. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to kick Sludge’s arse. “He’ll kill you’ cried Herpes. “I’m semi-immortal, or did you forget that?’ asked Opium. “Smoke this professor’ said Harry handing Opium the crack pipe Ron had given him earlier. Opium took a hit, and was soon back in harmony with the universe. “That’s powerful sh-t, baby! Maybe I didn’t need to give you an injection’ giggled Opium.
Ron stumbled on to his feet, the laudanum worked. He went back to Harry’s chamber to change into his own robes, while they waited for him in the common room. “I’m feeling better now. Let’s visit Shagrid. I could use some lessons in the Care of Magical Creatures (How to Weed ‘em, and Breed ‘em)!’ said Ron as he emerged from Harry’s chamber. While not an official class, Shagrid was always happy to share his wisdom with the children. They followed Ron to Shagrid’s hut, and rapped loudly on the giant wooden door. Harry lit his spliff waiting for Shagrid to come out, but no one was home. As they were leaving they heard Shagrid wailing, and it didn’t sound far away. They hiked up a steep hill, and saw Shagrid peacefully surrendering to Sludge. “Drifters aren’t allowed to loiter on school property. I hope you enjoy PassABong prison, scumbag!’ laughed Sludge. “Time for some pay back!’ said Ron. He pulled the gun out of his robes, and *Click*. “What the bloody hell?!’ cried Ron. Fortunately, Shagrid’s wailing masked the noise Ron was making. “Jus’ don’t hurt my dog.’ wailed Shagrid. “I’ll do whatever I please’ shouted DumbBi+ch. “I’m beggin’ yeh!’ he wailed. “You don’t like me, do you? Powerful women intimidate you.’ she said in a sour voice. “Powerful women? I figgered you were a giant swamp toad. Looked like you were gunna eat ‘em,’ said Shagrid who was somewhat relieved. Bong lifted his leg and pissed on Sludge’s left pant leg. Sludge jumped backward, and kicked Bong in the ribs while DumbBi+ch held the leash. “Damn mongrel! I’ll have you put to sleep!’ screamed Sludge. “The hell you will’ bellowed Harry as he spit out his spliff and ground it hard into the ground. Sludge momentarily froze, glaring at Harry, and then motioned to his Lawyers to step forward. “And what are you going to do about it, you little sh-t?’ Sludge spat. “I’m going to kick you’re a55!’ snapped Harry. “Stay outta this pothead, it don’t concern you’ pleaded Shagrid. “Yes it does’ growled Harry. Ron, Herpes, and Ginny stepped away from him. “Then I suggest you take it up with my men’ Sludge growled back. “So that’s what they are- your gay lovers. I thought it must be something like that.’ spat Harry. The lawyers pulled out their wands, as Harry lifted his robes. They were about to cast unforgivable curses at him, but before they could finish the incantations he shorted their wands with a wide spray of piss. They charged at him running full speed. Harry stepped aside at the last second, letting them tumble down the steep decline behind him. “We were just doing our jobs!’ exclaimed a young lawyer as he rolled down the hill. “That makes it even worse!’ spat Harry. He was fuming with hate, as his attention returned to Sludge. Sludge was taken aback. This lone, unarmed student defeated all of his Lawyers without even trying. “You’re tough when you have thugs forcing others to follow your whims, but what will you do now that they’re gone? Are you ready to fight, ya piece of sh-t, because you’re next’ roared Harry pointing his finger at Sludge. “No! N-no need for that, uh… Fif-fifty, no? One hundred p-points to Spliffindor… for bravery’ Sludge stuttered. He turned toward DumbBi+ch “Someone should’ve told me that boy was possessed’ he cried. “No one appointed you to hand out points’ spat Harry. “I-I’ve… taken control over the s-school. I run it n-now’ said Sludge stuttering. “Bollocks!’ bellowed Harry. Sludge turned red and ran back toward the castle. They might have thought Sludge was merely angry had it not been for the quite audible sound of Sludge losing control of his bowels. Harry turned and glared at DumbBi+ch. “Let the dog go’ he ordered. She didn’t question it; she dropped the leash and ran after Sludge. “You shouldna dunnit, Harry. Cornholius Sludge is a powerful Whizzard’ cried Shagrid. “Yeah, I can see that’ said Harry facetiously, as he watched them running back toward the castle. Sludge fell down, and DumbBi+ch tripped over his feet landing face down in the crack of his unwiped butt. “That gives new meaning to the words brown nosing, doesn’t it?’ Ginny asked rhetorically.
Ron was staring at Harry. “It doesn’t seem possible. Why does he get all the testosterone driven super powers?” he pouted. “Ron, I don’t have superpowers. Whizzards rely on their wands for everything, but I grew up living as a puddle’ explained Harry. “Are you alright?’ Herpes asked Shagrid as they helped him stand up. “I might as well pick up an’ leave’ cried Shagrid. “You can’t leave!’ cried Ron. “Why not? I jus’ showed yeh that I’m a bloomin’ coward. An aff giant fraid of a toad!’ he wailed. “It could’ve been worse, mate. You might have tried to lick her’ laughed Ron. Shagrid had been a great assistance to Ron in the past. With his recipe for love: weed, Spanish fly, and a pinch of speed, and advice like “If she’s unconscious, it inn’t rape’. At present, Shagrid was in no mood to teach Ron how to enhance his love life through the magic of chemistry. “Sludge don’t give up, do ‘e? I don’t wanta go teh prison. There’s nuthin’ more yeh can do. Jus’ go back to the castle’ groaned Shagrid. They reluctantly left Shagrid, and walked back toward the castle. “Where did you learn to fight like that? It was brilliant’ asked Ron. “14 years living with the fu<king Dirtys (Dursleys).’ grumbled Harry. “Hello, what’s this?’ asked Ginny. “DumbBi+ch dropped her clipboard… SmokeSports Schedule? Oh my god! It’s the magical school schedule’ she cried. The school schedule was the long sought after Holy Grail for SmokeSports students. Whoever wielded the schedule could control daily events. When used responsibly, it helped the wasted teachers do their jobs, and students would show up for class without fail, unless they were dead, or instructed to do otherwise. How else are we going to explain a school of crack heads showing up for class? “Here let me see that’ said Ron as he snatched it from her. He cast a spell on the paper to alter it. “I think some nude gelatin wrestling is in order’ he laughed. “Sludge versus a team of obese Bavarian midgets’ Harry chuckled as he read the entry Ron had made. The two of them set about sabotaging Sludge’s evening. “I swear men are incorrigible!’ cried Herpes. Ginny nodded her head in agreement.
Fred and George had become school heroes for their role in the Spliffindor’s escape, and smoking out the MI6. They made appointments with several attractive girls for threesomes. In fact their sixth year little black books were filled with sticky notes after they’d run out of pages. Business had exploded for them. Every student in SmokeSports wanted a gun to bust a cap in the Manager of Money, and his toad lover. “We should’ve gone in the bloody arms business ages ago’ cried Fred. Their business hours were going to be short. The other Spliffindors picked them to be DJs for the School Ball. As it happened, that didn’t matter. They’d sold out of guns by closing time.
It was 5:00 in the Great Hall, but there was no sign of Sludge, or DumbBi+ch. Harry, and Ron were sniggering. Other Spliffindors looked at them suspiciously. Herpes, and Ginny sat down waiting for the meal to be served. A huge banquet the likes of which would have overwhelmed the gluttonous king Louis XIV, suddenly appeared before them. There were loud cheers, and whistling at the sight. The students dug in, not sparing a scrap. Ron, and Harry were now sniggering so hard, they were choking on their roast mutton. A sixth year Spliffindor suddenly burst out laughing so hard he fell off his seat and landed on the stone floor. The other students looked over to see what the commotion was about. The Spliffindor was lying on the floor holding his bruised ribs, laughing hysterically, and pointing at the teacher’s tables. There lay Sludge and DumbBi+ch, dressed up like roast pigs. They were naked, tied down with string, apples crammed in their mouths, and turkey basters sticking out of their butts. They were struggling to get lose, but the string held fast. The entire Hall was filled with uproarious laughter. The greatest feast in SmokeSports history soon became one of the messiest, as students flung large portions of food at Sludge, and DumbBi+ch. Professor Opium arrived late, but joined the students in their mischief. They were enjoying the moment far too much to shoot Sludge. Colon Cheesy took several pictures he normally would have put in the school paper, but the schedule compelled him to send copies to The Dodgy Product, Channel Four News office, and BBC Radio with letters of explanation. This was Harry’s chance and he was going to take it. He walked over to Sho' Thang. “Do you want to be my date tonight?’ he asked. “Only if you give me some of your legendary stash’ she replied. He smiled at her, and nodded his head and handed her a dime bag. At 5:45, everything on the tables vanished as scheduled. Sludge and DumbBi+ch were thrown out with the garbage.
Back in their chambers, the Spliffindors were conjuring up dress robes. While most chose to wear traditional formal robes, Ron went all out with some Rastafarian robes, complete with dreadlocks. It was time to pick up their dates. Ron knocked on Herpes chamber door. “Just a minute’ she cried. Something like thirty minutes passed before she finally opened the door. Ron was kicking himself for not considering this when he amended the school schedule Ginny and Onna Promise were already grinding on the dance floor when Harry and Sho’ Thang arrived. Harry looked up at the clock, it was 6:10. It wouldn’t be long now. Sho’ pulled him onto the dance floor and taught him moves that seemed impossible. Fred and George Weedley were playing Meaning of Life by Disturbed. A third year HubblyPuff walked up to them and asked “Would you play Better off Dead by Bad Religion?’. The music stopped abruptly, and everyone stopped dancing. A cold silence filled the hall, and hard stares were coming from every direction. “oh, man’ said a student in the background. “You like Emo music, right?’ asked the HubblyPuff. “Hello? We’re occultists, and we’re not suicidal’ said George “So you’re saying you’re not Emos?’ “Get out, Emo!’ cried Fred “Go slit your wrists!’ added George “What the hell is going on?’ Harry asked Sho’. “They’re kicking an Emo kid out’ she replied. “But why?’ asked Harry. “Because we’re Goths, not Emos’ explained Sho’. Harry liked Bad Religion, but decided that it was best not to voice his opinion.
It was now 6:15, and the strings binding Sludge and DumbBi+ch snapped on schedule. They crawled out of the dumpster, and crashed on the ground below. Sludge was irate. The soused elves had turned against him, and the students humiliated him. He no longer wanted to steal money from the school; he wanted to destroy it, but to do that he’d need his entire army of whizzards. He couldn’t show up at the management looking like this! He needed a shower, and his robes. They tip toed back to the castle, trying to avoid stepping on rocks, and twigs. With every painful step, Sludge cursed the school. Ron and Herpes finally arrived, but a big seventh year bouncer stopped them. “You ain’t getting’ in here with them robes’ said the bouncer as he blocked the door. “Move aside, or be moved’ snapped Ron. “You want in here, you have to dress appropriately’ said the bouncer. Herpes kicked him in the balls, and grabbing hold of his arm she flipped him on his back. “You like that? She cried as she straddled him. Ron was shocked; Herpes appeared to be dry humping the bas+ard on the floor. “What the bloody hell are you doing?’ he cried. “I’m having my period, Ron, and I’m out of tampons. That’s why it took me thirty minutes to get dressed. I’m wiping my legs clean on this bas+ard’s robes’ she growled. “I thought you were pregnant’ cried Ron. “I had a miscarriage’ she cried. She stood up leaving her steaming chunky salsa smeared on the seventh year. Ron resisted the urge to hurl. Once inside he chose to sit down and let his stomach settle.
Sludge stepped in the showers, with a bar of soap in his hand. He’d turned the water on, but nothing seemed to be coming out. DumbBi+ch began to sniffle, and pout. “Don’t you start!’ cried Sludge. A rattling in the pipes gave them hope, but then something foul oozed out: Lime flavored gelatin, the most disgusting flavor. “What the fu<k?!‘ exclaimed Sludge, and then he was tackled from behind. “The hell!?’ he screamed. The midgets had arrived. They lifted him and tossed his body at DumbBi+ch. *THUMP*. They were both down. The midgets were kicking them, and jumping on their bodies. “That’s the last bloody straw!’ spat Sludge as he jumped up knocking the midgets off. They ran at him, but he dodged their attack. DumbBi+ch took the opportunity to run out, while a midget bit Sludge’s ankle, and the others attacked him. Punching, and kicking- they toppled him once more. Sludge rolled out of it and dashed after DumbBi+ch, but the midgets were in hot pursuit. They’re feet were slippery. They fell and slid through a passage behind a revolving panel, landing backstage in the Great Hall. Sludge stood up, glad to have lost the midgets. “Arsch ficker’ cried a midget. Sludge turned, and saw the midgets sliding down the passage toward him. “Mother of god!’ cried Sludge, as he dashed onto the stage, and through the Great Hall. DumbBi+ch was still recovering when a midget bit her ass. She screamed, and ran after Sludge.
The BBC Radio crew poured into the Great Hall. “This is Charlotte Green for BBC Radio 4 reporting live from SmokeSports Castle, where total chaos has broken out. There appears to be an orgy of depravity taking pla… Good lord! The Management whizzards are streaking!... Ahem, from reports we’ve received, the havoc began early this morning during a hostile takeover by the Management’ said Charlotte. Outside, an approaching hooded figure watched as DumbBi+ch ran screaming from the castle, followed by a small number of obese hairy midgets, and students brandishing firearms. She ran deep into the dank forest (dark forest) where she collided into a large hulking mass. A giant hand reached down and grasped hold of her. It was Snop (Grawp), Shagrid’s half brother. “Let go of me’ screamed DumbBi+ch. Snop liked giant swamp toads. He brought her up to his face, and gave her back a great lick.
Sludge was a coward, but he was too prideful to be deposed in this manner. He made the conscious decision to commit suicide. He ran to a fourth floor window and stepped out on the ledge. He looked down, and wished he hadn’t. He pushed up against the stone wall, his heart thumping hard in his chest. A Channel Four News van pulled up to the castle, and prepared to broadcast the event. BBC Radio and The Dodgy Product were already on scene taking note of every little detail. Sludge put his wand to his throat, and screamed at the students below. “You little bas+ards ruined my career! You drove me to this, you sh-ts! You’ll have to live with my death on your consciences’. “Jump!’ the students chanted. A bullet ricocheted off the ledge near Sludge’s right foot, causing him to drop his wand. He barely managed to keep his balance. “God, don’t let them kill me!’ cried Sludge, as he lost control of his bladder. “Need some help?’ asked the hooded figure. He was standing on the ledge beside Sludge. “Don’t sneak up on me!’ cried Sludge. “Sorry, man. I thought you needed some help’ said the figure as it turned away from him. “No, don’t leave me here! I beg you, I’ll do anything!’ cried Sludge. “No offense; I would take your hand and help you inside, but I don’t wanna touch ya! Wingardium Leviosa’ said the figure as he pointed his wand at Sludge. Sludge hovered in the air, and slowly landed on the ground below. The police arrived just in time to arrest Sludge for acts of public indecency. The hooded figure turned and stepped through the window, and the students returned to their common rooms. Ron, and Harry were laughing hysterically, when the portrait door swung open and the hooded figure stepped inside. “Who are you?’ asked a startled first year. The figure dropped his hood to reveal that he was SmokeSummore. He walked up to Ron. “You got my sh-t, man!’ cried SmokeSummore. “We were waiting for you to show up’ said Ron as he handed the schedule to SmokeSummore. The schedule’s not a toy, man. Its bad karma to use it like that’ explained SmokeSummore. “Yeah, but it was fun!’ exclaimed Harry. SmokeSummore beamed at them. “Lets wig out, man!’ he suggested as he took a hit on his bong wand. Harry took a hit, but didn’t hold it in long. “Professor, what happened to your hand?’ asked Harry. “I was giving Baldysnort the bird, and one of his foster brats threw a rock at me. My finger’s stuck like that now, man’ said SmokeSummore. He decided to wait until morning to ask SmokeSummore about the wh@recrusts, when he could ask in private. He returned to his bedchamber and grabbed the chocolate from his nightstand.
KMC Community Forums
Jan 23rd, 2006 11:36 AM
no amount of laughing smilies can possibly encompass the hysteria that is surging through me. Kudos Syren for the creativity...
