“Today was a hoot’ thought Harry as he lay in bed eating a bar of chocolate. He was sleepy, so very sleepy. His eyes began to close. He fell asleep holding the chocolate bar. The next thing he knew, he was feeling good. Not just good, he felt damn good! He was making love to a woman. He looked up and saw that it was his mother. “God no!’ cried Harry. To his dismay, he was unable to pull free, and now he felt a man entering him from behind. He tried to twist sideways and knock the poof off, but in turning he saw that it was his father. Realizing it was his nightmare, he tried desperately to will himself awake. “Wake up!’ He cried. His scar was now laughing at him. “Wake up, damn it!’ he screamed. Suddenly there was static mixed into the scenery. His scar pounded like someone thumping a TV. “Damned reception’ it complained. He awoke suddenly. He was lying face down on the chocolate bar, the foil covered his scar. Someone was controlling his dreams and he had to stop it! He turned on the light, and collected the necessary materials: Aluminum foil, scissors, and tape. He made a hat that looked like a whizzard cap, and fitted it on his head. It was 3:34, but he wasn’t going back to sleep after a nightmare like that. He was up the rest of the night shivering.
At the crack of dawn, Harry dragged himself to SmokeSummore’s office. He entered, and found SmokeSummore with his back turned to him. The Headmaster was examining the remains of his possessions. “Professor’ said Harry. “I’m gone for two days and look at this place, man. What happened to my sh-t, Pothead?’ cried SmokeSummore. Harry told SmokeSummore about the MI6, the fire in his office, their flight from the school, finding the fake SmokeSummore in SmokesWeed, saving him from the MI6, and the Meth Needers, IveDun'EmAll being injured, Sludge’s attempts to steal money from the school, and their revenge. “Oh man!’ exclaimed SmokeSummore. “That’s rough man, sorry I yelled.’ he said apologetically. “Professor, I need to know something about the scar I got when I was a baby’ said Harry. SmokeSummore swung around and looked puzzled at Harry. “What’s that?’ he asked. “The scar I got when my mother dropped me on the edge of my crib’ said Harry. “I’m not talking about the scar, what the hell is that on your head?’ asked SmokeSummore. Harry removed the aluminum foil hat. “Well, you see, sir. I’ve been having a reoccurring nightmare, and metal foil seemed to interfere with it. At first I watched my parents having sex and my scar orgasmed, but last night I was between my parents with my cock in my mum, and my pop’s cock in my bum. I felt like someone was in my mind, sir’ said Harry sheepishly. “Oh, that is tripped way out, man. The scar creates a telepathic link between you and the fascist that killed your parents.’ explained SmokeSummore. “But were my parents having sex?’ asked Harry. “After Baldysnort kills people, he steals their sh-t. Usually magical pictures of ‘em makin’ out. The sick freak likes to wank to ‘em. Your scar tuned you into his thought waves, man. The entire cosmos is harmonic vibration, and we’re just along for the ride’ said SmokeSummore. “But what can I do about it professor?’ pleaded Harry. “Listen, man, I would have told Slate to give you private sessions, but he’s dead now’ said SmokeSummore reproachfully. “You and professor Slate were mates, weren’t you?’ asked Harry delicately. “No, man! Slate was an undercover Meth Needer, he spied on me and sh-t. He helped the Dope Lord sneak into the girl’s bathroom, and brought him hash brownies. Slate’s connection to Baldysnort had grown since the time he gave him the prophecy Professor TrueLooney gave me’ explained SmokeSummore. “He was spying on you back then?!’ exclaimed Harry. “No, man! I wrote the Dope Lord’s fate on the men’s room wall at the Smoke Shed (Hog’s Head). Slate was taking a dump, and read it’ explained SmokeSummore. “I’ll kill you, son of a bi+ch!’ cried Harry as he picked up a singed whiskey bottle, and smashed the bottom on the stone wall. He thrust it at SmokeSummore, who easily dodged it. “I believe in destiny, man. You’re going to run the Dope Lord out of business, and people deserve to know, because life without hope is meaningless.’ Harry dropped his arm and let the whiskey bottle crash on the floor. Even if the prophecy was a crock, he knew what it meant to feel hopeless. Fourteen years of living with the Dirtys had been a veritable hell. Harry stood there clenching his fists, and looking at the floor. “I know you want to stop having those messed up dreams, but you need special medicine.’ said SmokeSummore. “Let me guess, some bloody poison to finish me off?’ spat Harry who was visibly shaken by the realization that SmokeSummore had played a role in his parents’ demise. “No, man, you need Therapy (Occlumency). Dreaming of having sex with your parents; that’s seriously messed up!’ said SmokeSummore in a disgusted tone as he shook his head. He started to walk out. “What’s a wh@recrust, professor?’ asked Harry hatefully. SmokeSummore slowly turned back toward Harry. “You already know the answer, man. I have a school to run. Look at all the sh-t that happened when I was gone. There are four more of ‘em out there. Tell you what, I’m banishing you from SmokeSports until you’ve destroyed ‘em, man.’ said SmokeSummore. “How the bloody hell am I going to find them, you daft old sh-t?’ cried Harry. “The rules state the headmaster determines how to distribute the house cut. I’m giving it all to you, man. All you gotta do is give some Meth Needers free junk, make buddies with ‘em, and get ‘em baked’ said SmokeSummore. “Why the hell should I? They’re the enemy’ spat Harry. “Get ‘em baked, and they’ll give you the wh@recrusts, man. Then you can kick their butts, or whatever else you feel like. In two weeks SmokeSports closes for the summer, and you’d be back with your puddle relatives. I figure you’d rather buddy up to some low lives than deal with that again’ explained SmokeSummore, as he dug through his pockets. He pulled out a crack pipe, and tossed it. Next he pulled out a dildo, and tossed that too. Then he pulled out a pair of underwear. “I was wondering where those went, man’ He put them on his head, and kept digging. “Found it’ he said at last. He handed Harry a picture of a man with a face like a mole. “That’s Penis GetAScrew (Peter Pettigrew), he’d sell out his best friend for free junk. In fact he did, that’s why your parents are dead. He’s staying at the Smoke Shed Inn (Hog’s Head Inn). Buddy up to ‘em, and get him wasted. He knows where the wh@recrusts are, man’ said SmokeSummore. Harry looked at SmokeSummore like he was off his nut. “I’ll let you stay the next two weeks to prepare. Tell your friends, and take ‘em with you, man. When school ends, go to the Hog’s Head Inn. Unless you want to spend another summer vacation locked in your uncle’s basement’ said SmokeSummore. “How did you know about that?’ snapped Harry. “Women’s intuition’ said SmokeSummore with a chuckle. Harry was sorely tempted to put his foot in the old man’s face, but his better judgment won out. Every summer he had to live with his puddle relatives. They would keep him locked up and make him wear skin tight leather, a ball gag, and strap him in harnesses against his will. His obese cousin Deadly (Dudley) couldn’t get a girlfriend for the life of him, and he took his frustration out on Harry. Deadly would whip Him while his aunt and uncle took pictures. The Dirtys threatened to post the pictures on the internet when he disobeyed. He’d called their bluff once, but to his horror found they were serious. “Do you agree to take over for me, man?’ asked SmokeSummore. “Yes’ spat Harry.
Harry walked to the Great Hall and sat down beside Ron. “What’s wrong, mate?’ asked Ron. “Who said anything was wrong?!’ snapped Harry. Ginny, and Herpes looked up at him. Ginny lit a spliff and tried to hand it to him, but he didn’t notice. “What are we having today?’ growled Harry. “Steak and eggs with toast and jam’ said Ron as he stuffed some eggs in his mouth. Harry wouldn’t look at his plate, he was too angry. Professor Opium walked onto the stage. “May I have your attention, students? I have some announcements to make. The faculty substitutes have arrived, and no members of the faculty will be leaving unless they so desire. I will be returning to my job teaching the History of Magic. Professor IveDun'EmAll is back from St. MaryJane’s, and returning to her job teaching Transfiguration. SmokeSummore will be taking over Herbology for the late Professor Spout. Professor ScumJar (Professor Scrimgeour) will be taking over Potions for the late Professor Slate. Professor Frenzy (Firenze) will be taking over Divination for the late Professor TrueLoony. Professor BeerHole (Quirrel) will be taking over Charms for Professor DumbBi+ch. Professor Bad High TrueGlee (Professor Mad Eye Moody) will be taking over Defense Against the Dark Arts for Professor CockPart. And we have a new position. Professor Shagrid will be teaching Care of Magical Creatures to post pubescent- third year students. The hall was filled with applause, but Harry hadn’t paid attention. He was sulking. “Mate, seriously, what’s troubling you?’ asked Ron. “I don’t feel like talking about it’ growled Harry. “Try one of there. They’re guaranteed to make anyone feel better’ said Fred. Harry turned around, he hadn’t noticed the twins approach him. He took the pill, and his vision blurred. The next moment he was on the floor, and a fat third year boy was standing over him, giving him CPR. He pushed him away, and sat up gagging. Despite having been kissed by a man, he felt great. He stood up and looked at Fred. “I’ll take a dozen of those’ he cried. “Sorry mate, that was the last one. We’re going into the arms business now’ said Fred. “What if I made it worth you while to sell both guns and dope?’ asked Harry. “What’d you have in mind’ asked George. “A custom order of the highest quality sh-t you can make, but I want you to enhance it. I need to force some Meth Needers to answer questions truthfully, and then die a slow horrible death’ explained Harry. “That’s pretty difficult, and where would you get the funds to pay for such an order?’ asked George with a raised eyebrow. “I have a financier that’s loaded’ lied Harry. He was ashamed that he was being given the entire house cut to use for this very reason. The money they had all worked hard to accumulate over the course of the year. “What you need is some stabilized low potency crystal meth with added sodium pentothal, and a delayed neurotoxin to shut down the central nervous system. It would have to be administered to them intravenously and you’d have to be a psycho to try’ said Fred. “How long will it take you to make enough for ten Meth Needers?’ asked Harry. “It would take us a month of R&D to find the proper ratio of crystal meth to Sodium Pentothal for maximum effect. We can only guess what percentage would be adequate for the neurotoxin’ said George. “I need it by the end of the school year’ said Harry. “Two weeks! That’s going to cost extra’ said Fred. “And we want the money up front’ added George. “Give me your price, and I’ll contact my financier. I’ll have the money for you this afternoon’ said Harry. “As for our price, we want ten thousand galleons to start, and another ten thousand on completion. Tell that to your financier, if you really have one’ said Fred suspiciously. “Tell you what. I’ll give you a one time payment of forty thousand galleons before lunch if you’re willing to make the dope, and throw in four fifty caliber Desert Eagles, complete with extra clips, and four hundred extra rounds. I want it all at the end of school. No questions asked, or I’ll take my business elsewhere’ said Harry. The twins were intrigued. An offer of forty thousand galleons wasn’t something to take lightly. “It’s a deal provided that you live up to your half of the bargain’ said George. “I wouldn’t be offering to pay forty thousand galleons up front if I couldn’t’ said Harry. He returned to his seat and ate his breakfast feeling like a deep sense of gratification. After he finished, he toked on his bong wand and opened his marauder’s map. He found SmokeSummore at the peep hole behind the girl’s showers. “Dirty old man should’ve invited me’ he used the map to cast a spell on the wall that would let the girls see the headmaster peering at them. “That should do it’ he chuckled. He waited for SmokeSummore to move, but no one was moving. He didn’t know what the hell was happening, but he’d soon find out. He put the map back in his robes and walked to the secret passage that would take him to SmokeSummore.
It was a short walk to the peephole, but when he got there he could see SmokeSummore wasn’t peeping. The pipes were clogged with lime gelatin, and SmokeSummore was fixing them. The girl’s on the other side of the wall were fully clothed, and complaining about how long it was taking. Harry felt a pit in his stomach. He’d thought the worst of SmokeSummore, but here he was doing Fifth’s job… Why the hell was he doing Fifth’s job? “Professor, why are you fixing the pipes?’ asked Harry. SmokeSummore winked at him. “Hiding cameras’ he whispered. Harry did a double take, he hadn’t been wrong about the headmaster’s intentions, just the level of depravity of which the old man was capable. “When you’re done, I have some expenses I need to cover for some premium product. You know, to make buddies, and get them wasted’ said Harry. SmokeSummore had a twinkle in his eye. “All done’ he said, and he tapped the plumbing with his wand. The girl’s were drenched in warm water. The screamed at him, and ran out of the showers. Harry followed SmokeSummore back to his office where he conjured up a couple lawn chairs, and some Guineas beers. Harry opened his beer, and took a couple of chugs. “Professor, won’t those girls be angry that you got them wet? Harry asked. “You mean those chicks?’ asked SmokeSummore pointing at his new plasma screen TV. He flipped through the channels; there were five channels of girls changing their robes. “Oh wait, I’ve got to record this, man!’ cried SmokeSummore, as he held out a remote. The recording light on his TIVO lit up. “I got this sh-t from the government, man. It’s required by law for us to record you guys taking a dump, and getting naked. They call it proof that we’re not terrorists, or some sh-t. It was either this, or go to jail. They also want us to take out Baldysnort for ‘em. Now, you said something about expenses?’ asked SmokeSummore. “I need the house cut to pay for some high quality junk, guaranteed to leave them lucid enough to answer questions’ said Harry. “How much do you need?’ asked SmokeSummore. “You said I could have it all’ gasped Harry. “How are you going to carry seventy two thousand, four hundred, and ninety three galleons out of my office, man? In a wheelbarrow?’ asked SmokeSummore. Harry conjured up two briefcases. “Good point. I need forty thousand galleons now to pay for the junk, and I’ll divide the rest with my friends when school ends’ said Harry. SmokeSummore pointed his wand at the briefcases. “Viagro’ said SmokeSummore, and the briefcases expanded to the size of suitcases. He snapped his fingers and two soused elves appeared. “Fill each of these oversized briefcases with twenty thousand galleons from the Spliffindor house cut’ ordered SmokeSummore. The soused elves each took a briefcase and vanished. “They shouldn’t take long. In the meantime, you could finish your beer’ suggested SmokeSummore. “Why does the government want video of naked students?’ asked Harry while he watched SmokeSummore’s plasma screen, and took another chug of beer. “You’re young, you don’t understand how messed up the world is, man. The people that flock to government jobs are the scum of the earth, man! They pretend to care about people, but they don’t.’ said SmokeSummore. “Professor, not all government employees could be malevolent’ said Harry. “No, government is malevolent, man. Positions of power don’t corrupt; they offer a window of opportunity to the corrupt. They cling to positions of power, and try to crush people who oppose ‘em. That’s why government positions are a living hell for good people’ explained SmokeSummore. “What the hell are you talking about?’ asked Harry. “See, that’s what I meant when I said you were too young to understand, man. Just know that, everyone wants more. Society is greedy, and it’s destroying the earth. I’m trying to teach you to live in harmony with the earth, man… Nevermind, the soused elves are back’ said SmokeSummore. Harry tried to lift the briefcases, but they were too heavy. He hadn’t counted on this. “Need some help? I would suggest you get one of your friends to help you carry them’ said SmokeSummore. Harry opened him map and found Ron in the common room. “Perfect!’ he thought. He ran back to the common room, and asked Ron to follow him back to SmokeSummore office with the promise of porn. Ron eagerly followed Harry back to the office, but was disappointed by what he found. “Awe, those are just first years. No breast yet’ he complained. “The real reason I asked you to come here is to help me carry one of these briefcases’ said Harry. “Why should I?’ asked Ron. “Because if you do I’ll give you a Desert Eagle in two weeks’ said Harry. Ron lifted a brief case as though it were filled with feathers. “Lead the way’ he said cheerfully as his face turned a shade of purple.
I meant to trim that Myrtle/Nick love scene down a little. I missed it in the final editing. Sorry about that. Still it wasn't that bad, and the thread had sex in it long before I posted. I didn't turn it into a sex thing.
Last edited by Pseudo on Feb 13th, 2006 at 06:17 AM
Regretfully, I used WordPad, and it screwed up my posts. It tries to auto correct sentences, but usually screws them up. I usually double check before posting, but I was dead tired last night.
Ron was straining to hold the case. His knees were buckling under the weight, and his back was aching. “Hurry mate, its heavier than it looks’ cried Ron. “Right’ replied Harry as pulled out his wand and cast Wingardium Leviosa. Ron was sitting the case down so he could cast the spell when - *THHHHHHP* The sound of Ron’s flatulence filled Smokesummore’s office. “Oh man! Crack the window’ cried Smokesummore. “Shit!’ cried Ron. “What?’ asked Harry. “I’ve got piles!’ he screamed. Harry waited a few minutes so Ron could recover. It didn’t take long. Ron was still focused on getting a Desert Eagle. They levitated the cases down the spiral staircase, and to the great hall. Harry and Ron placed the cases on the Spliffindor table and sat waiting for the twins. They fired up their bong wands, because it was getting boring, dude. They needed to vegetate. Two hours had passed, it was now ten minutes until lunch, and Ron’s hemorrhoids were severely inflamed. “My piles have bloody piles’ cried Ron as he jumped from his seat, and conjured a tube of Preparation X. Just as Ron bent over, the twins arrived. “Over here, please’ cried Harry as they entered the great hall. Ron paid them no mind as he pushed the applicator in his butt. “It’s all here. Forty thousand galleons as promised’ said Harry. Ron’s jaw dropped. “FUH- FORTY THOUSAND GALLEONS!’ he exclaimed as the tube of hemorrhoid medicine slipped out of his hand. Ron lunged at the case closest to him, and quickly opened it spilling some of the galleons on the table. Harry shoved him out of the way, and hurriedly replaced the galleons in the case. “Right then, cheerio’ said Fred as the twins lugged the cases away. I’m glad that’s over!” exclaimed Harry. “Forty thousand Galleon’ said Ron shaking his head. Ron heard Harry’s business proposal to the twins, but hadn’t realized he was levitating so much money, if he had he’d have shot him and stolen it. He lit a spliff and took a long drag. “You knew about the money. Half the people at our table overheard the deal I made.’ said Harry. “Yeah, but most of us thought it was the crack talking’ explained Ron. “Then why did you help me?’ asked Harry. “For a Desert Eagle, and I’m giving you exactly two weeks to come up with it’ said Ron as he pointed his finger at Harry, and pretended to shoot him. Harry knew what it meant to live in another whizzard’s debt, but if all else failed he’d get Ron wasted, and give him a banana. If Ron started to realize he was holding a banana instead of a Desert Eagle, he would tell him that he ate the gun, and tried to shoot the banana. That kind of thing always worked on Ron.
Two weeks past faster than Harry had expected. He’d made the most of the time, but he wasn’t sure he was ready for the dangerous mission that lay ahead. He knew Ron, Ginny, and Herpes would’ve flatly refused to accompany him if they knew about his mission. What the hell was Smokesummore thinking sending them to find and destroy the product of a mentally disturbed and heavily armed drug lord with hordes of mindless followers? It was a mission for an army of grown men, and certainly not the sort of thing undisciplined stoned teenagers should attempt. Still, anything was better than spending another summer with his depraved relatives. At his request Smokesummore ordered the soused elves to add the remainder of the house cut to his trunk, and load it on the SmokeSports Express. On the way to his seat he stopped by Fred and George’s compartment to pick up his package. The twins looked like hell. They had five o’ clock shadow, and dark circles around their eyes. They’d worked tirelessly to produce a quality product. As business men go, they were the best. Without a word passing between them, George handed him a leather back pack. Harry carried it to his seat knowing that Ron would be waiting for his gun. Along the way he’d made up some cock and bull excuses for them to spend their summer vacation together, and since he offered to fit the bill they’d all agreed. Ginny and Herpes set about planning the road trip, while Ron was beaming at the Desert Eagle Harry had given him. Harry figured it would be best if he slipped off to pay Penis Getascrew a visit while Ron, Ginny, and Herpes were buying munchies and crack in DireCon (Diagon) Alley. For now he would enjoy the train ride. He tried to remember the events that lead up to this. Most of it was a purple haze. He’d been so high, it really didn’t add up. Many people died this year- too many in fact. Harry actually pitied Smokesummore. He’d have to inform the parents of the deceased, and worm his way out of legal entanglement. Harry couldn’t see how Smokesummore could possibly keep the school open. In fact it was tempting to use the house cut to travel Europe with his friends. If not for his hatred of the man who murdered his parents, that was exactly what he would’ve done.
The trolley arrived, and Ginny nudged him hard in the ribs. “We’ll take the lot’ said Harry pulling a handful of galleons from his pocket. Even as he chewed on a Twizzler, he was still contemplating the events over the course of the year and how it had lead up to this, or at least he was trying. The thing that bothered him was what Smokesummore said about the Feds. They’d given him- a major drug smuggler- a full surveillance system, and expected him to destroy Baldysnort for them. What the hell could Smokesummore have been thinking? Making a deal with the Feds was more dangerous than drinking a full pint of Shagrid’s dragon piss brew. Something was wrong; he could feel it in his gut. No, his buzz was wearing off. He fired up his bong wand, and toked. Glancing out the window at the remote country side, he considered the possibility he might not be coming back. If he died, or failed to destroy the whorecrusts, he’d face banishment. He reached in his pack once again, and pulled out another Desert Eagle, which he checked. He’d never handled a large semi-automatic handgun, but Ron made it look positively easy. Looking at the large firearm in his hands, he couldn’t see how. “How do you load this?’ he asked Ron. “It’s a piece of cake, mate’ said Ron as he pushed the magazine release and popped the magazine out of his gun. “You load the bullets in here, then you push it back into the handle and pull on this’ said Ron as he let the slide fly forward. Harry pulled out a dime bag of bullets, and managed to load six rounds in his clip. He pushed it into the handle of the gun and pulled back on the slide. It wasn’t easy at all, his thumb was sore, and he pinched the skin on his index finger, but the gun was now ready to fire. He handed six bullets to Ron, who loaded and cocked his gun in a matter of seconds. “I can teach you to shoot’ Ron offered. “I’d appreciate that’ said Harry as he pulled out another gun, loaded it, and handed it to Ginny. “You said that you wanted to try one of these, so you can borrow one of mine’ he said as she eagerly took the gun. Looking over at Herpes he reached into the pack once more. “It can be dangerous on the road. Pigs like to stop and search vehicles. I want you to guard the stash’ he said as he loaded the last Desert Eagle. “I don’t like guns’ Herpes said as a matter of fact. “I’ll take it!’ cried Ron holding his hand out. Herpes looked at Ron with disgust, and then she took the gun from Harry, and stuffed it in her purse without a second thought. She’d been a mere conquest for Ron, and now they were seeing other people. She didn’t know exactly why it bothered her, it was her profession, but it was different with him. In the time they’d spent together she’d discovered the only thing he loved were guns, and she resented him for it. His was a morbid and unnatural infatuation that made her feel uneasy. At any rate she wasn’t about to let him have her Desert Eagle, and while she experienced the temptation to fling it at his head, she didn’t want him to have the satisfaction of keeping it. “I’ll look after the stash for Harry’ she said, and though her words were directed toward Ron, she spoke without looking at him. Ron frowned at her for a moment, and went back to beaming at his own Desert Eagle.
Two hours into the ride, Harry reached into the pack one last time. He pulled out a syringe and held it to the light. He visualized Peter Getascrew writhing at his feet in agony, and begging for mercy. It wasn’t something he’d be proud of, but the bastard had it coming. “What’s that?’ asked Ron. “Nothing’ lied Harry as he pocketed the syringe in his haste to hide it before the girls saw it. There was little chance Ron would catch on, but Herpes and Ginny could rather quickly if he wasn’t careful. Smokesummore wanted him to get his friends involved, but his faith in Smokesummore had significantly diminished since he’d saved Cockpart from the MI6. Not to mention his “friends’ would leave his arse high and dry if they figured out what he was planning. He decided it was best to enjoy his vacation and keep them ignorant as they traveled in search of the whorecrusts. The train rolled to a stop. They were at the platform. “Right then, are you lot ready?’ asked Harry as he stuffed the remaining munchies in his pack. “I have to use the bog’ whined Ron. He was staring out the window at the line leading to the restrooms. “That’s what you get for drinking vodka’ said Ginny. “No, I gotta shite’ cried Ron as he pursed his ass cheeks tightly and bit his lower lip. “Yes, I know you do’ replied Ginny. “Do it here. We’ll be off in a minute’ said Harry. “What will I use for paper?’ cried Ron. Harry flipped out his switchblade and cut a long section of leather off the seat. “Use this’ he said as they stepped out to give Ron the privacy he needed. They continued on to the platform where they huddled in a circle and waited for Ron to finish. There was some kind of commotion taking place in the train. A violent jolt shook the car. Harry couldn’t tell exactly what the voices were saying, but he was certain that it was profane from the tone. Suddenly a man jumped out the window and onto the roof of the car. It was Ron. His pants were around his ankles, and dung was smeared on his butt. An old man was reaching out the window to grasp hold of him. It was the conductor. “You little bastard!’ cried the conductor. “We’d better help him’ said Herpes. “Help the conductor?’ laughed Harry. “Help Ron’ growled Herpes. Harry was enjoying the show, but figured he didn’t have a choice. Herpes still had feelings for Ron. He pointed his wand at the washrooms, and cried Accio toilet paper. One roll that was four fifths empty landed at Harry’s feet. “That explains the line to the bog’ chuckled Harry. He pitched the roll to Ron, and cast the stoner to stone spell on the conductor. Ginny looked at Ron with contempt. He was an embarrassment to their family, and now the entire station was in uproarious laughter. “The conductor should’ve killed him’ growled Ginny with a flushed face. “He wasn’t going to kill him. He was trying to rape him’ Harry explained with a snigger. “What?!’ cried Ginny. “Ron isn’t the only one with his pants down’ explained Harry as he pointed at the conductor, who’d fallen out the window and was now laying spread eagle on the platform. Three first years were standing around him, and poking his erect cock with a stick. “Is that what happens when you die?’ the smallest of them asked the other two. “I’m going to nick a car. Tell Ron to hurry down’ said Harry as he strapped the pack on his back.
He wheeled his trunk through the parking lot, looking for the car he wanted. When he found it he jimmied the lock and ripped out the anti-theft alarm. Checking the glove box he found a screwdriver, and swapped the license plate with the car parked next to it. After opening the hatch, and loading his trunk, he disconnected the GPS, and hotwired the ignition. It would’ve taken an amateur several minutes to do the job, but Harry was a professional. He drove up just as Ron, Herpes, and Ginny were opening the door. “How did you get a car so fast?’ cried Ginny. “Just get in before someone discovers I nicked it’ said Harry. They tossed their things in the trunk, and loaded into the vehicle. Harry turned on the air conditioning and they were off to brave the London traffic. “Where are we headed first?’ asked Harry “We’re going to Liverpool’ said Herpes as she examined the road map. “I need to stop by DireCon Alley, and pay an old friend a visit first. I’ll give Ron, and Ginny five hundred galleons each. Get the usual hash, weed, and munchies’ said Harry. “We still have snacks left from the trolley’ complained Ron. “You ate most of them, and what’s left won’t last long. I’m giving you each got five hundred galleons to spend, so get something I like’ He turned and looked at Herpes. “I need you to guard the car. I promise I won’t be longer than an hour’ said Harry. The sun was setting by the time they reached DireCon Alley. Harry parked the car and taking 1000 galleons from his trunk he gave them their allotted amount. They went their separate ways with the understanding they’d meet at the car in one hour. Ron went to a strip club, and Ginny talked Herpes into window shopping. She’d agreed on the condition they’d stay within viewing distance of the car. Harry entered the Smoke Shed Inn, and walked to the front desk. “Is there a whizzard called GetAScrew staying here’ he asked the desk clerk as he held up the picture Smokesummore had given him. The clerk shot a suspicious glance at Harry, and responded gruffly “Who’s askin’?’. “I’m asking, and if you don’t tell me, I’ll decorate the wall with your brains’ growled Harry as he shoved his gun in the clerk’s face. “Peter GetAScrew? No one by that name here, sir’ the clerk replied. “I didn’t say his name is Peter’ said Harry. “I know sir, it’s written on the picture’ cried the clerk. Harry looked at the picture he was holding. It was signed “To Smokesummore with Love’. Harry was disgusted, and embarrassed. “I know he’s here, now tell me!’ spat Harry. “According to our log, we did have a guest staying ‘ere by that name, but he left nearly a month ago’ squeaked the clerk. “A month? There must be some mistake. I know he was here two weeks ago’ said Harry. “No, sir. He couldn’t pay the bill, so we tossed him out... Please don’t kill me!” the clerk pleaded. “Okay, but when I find that son of a bi+ch, he’s going to die’ said Harry as he lowered the gun. “You’d best look for him in CockChurn (Knockturn) Alley’ said an old whizzard in the back. “Where in CockChurn Alley?’ Harry asked impatiently. “Behind a dumpster if you’re smart’ said the whizzard. “That’s all I wanted to know’ said Harry as he turned to leave. “CockChurn Alley… The place homeless whizzards go when they can’t afford crack. Only the most worthless whizzard would end up in a place like that’ thought Harry thought. Smokesummore had left in search of a whorecrust little more than two weeks before. “What the hell does it mean?’ wondered Harry. He was too tired to think about it. He was tired. He wanted to find a hotel and sleep until noon. “Just a bit farther’ he said to himself.
CockChurn Alley was a dark and dismal place filled with muggers, pick pockets, homeless crack heads, and disease riddled hookers. Several homeless whizzards grabbed hold of his pant legs. “Suck yer cock for some dirt grass, guvner?’ they eagerly cried as they pawed his pants. Harry pushed them away, and told them to “Fu<k off’. He was only here to kill GetAScrew, but the temptation to kill these assholes made him pause briefly. Ahead, two whizzards were arguing. “Come on, you know I’m good for it. Just give me an ounce!’ cried one. “No, I ‘ad teh suck allot a cork fer this ‘ere weed, ‘an it’s mine’ growled the other. He pushed his way past them, and saw a dumpster nearby. With some effort he managed to make his way toward it. “Oi, wotch where yer steppin’ cried an old toothless whizzard. “Sorry’ said Harry as he stepped over the man’s legs, and walked around the only dumpster in the alley. “Are you Penis GetAScrew?’ asked Harry unable to recognize the man in the dark. “Go away! I don’t have time to baby-sit a brat like you’ cried GetAScrew. “Sorry, thought you might need a fix. Guess I was wrong.’ said Harry. “You’re holdin’?’ gasped GetAScrew. ‘Course I am’ said Harry as he reached into his pack for a syringe. “I don’t ‘ave any money, but I’ll suck yer cock and swallow yer spunk for some dirt grass’ pleaded GetAScrew as he pulled out his dentures. “No, the first one is always free’ said Harry. “Lumos’ he cried. He needed light to find a syringe. The munchies were in his way. “Just a min…’ he said as he looked up at GetAScrew, but he was immediately shocked by what he saw. GetAScrew was maimed, beaten and appeared to be starved. He was missing a finger on one hand; the other had been cut off entirely. “What the bloody hell happened to you?’ asked Harry. “Didn’t pay me child support. You goin’ teh give me the weed, er not?’ asked GetAScrew. Harry considered the man for a moment. Up till now he’d felt it was his duty to kill the son of a bi+ch, but seeing him like this forced him to reconsider. It wasn’t pity, he wanted revenge, but he couldn’t do worse to GetAScrew than what society was. No, in fact, the demise he’d planned would be a sweet release from the nightmarish hell the bastard was experiencing. Harry strapped on his pack, and pulled a spliff from his pocket which he handed to GetAScrew. “The first one is free, but for every question you answer I’ll give you another’ said Harry “Wot’s that?’ asked GetAScrew. Harry lit the spliff, and GetAScrew took an extra long drag. “I know you helped Smokesummore find a whorecrust. I want to know how many are left’ said Harry as he handed the picture to GetAScrew. GetAScrew choked on his spliff, he wheezed for a moment, and then he looked Harry in the eye. “Why the bloody ‘ell should I tell you?’ he asked hatefully. “Because you want this’ said Harry holding up a spliff. “Five… There are five ‘orecrusts left’ said GetAScrew. Harry handed him the spliff, and held up five more. “For every location you list I’ll give you a spliff. Now, where can I find them?’ said Harry. GetAScrew broke into tears. He was experiencing inner turmoil, and Harry recognized the fear in his eyes. GetAScrew was torn between his desire for weed, and his desire of safety. This was something Baldysnort might kill him for divulging. Harry waved them in his face. “In an ‘orehouse east of London called Fish N Chips. It’s under a floor board in the third room’ croaked GetAScrew. Harry handed him another spliff. “And?...’ asked Harry as he held up the other four spliffs. “The Best Western hotel in Cardiff; room 302. It’s sealed in the wall behind the painting’ squeaked GetAScrew. His face was turning purple. He looked like he was being tortured. Harry gave him another spliff and waved the remaining three in his face. “Where else?” he asked. “In an abandoned warehouse in south London. Look for it in the bog’ wheezed GetAScrew. “We’re doing very well, you and me. Just two more locations, and I’ll give you a bonus spliff’ said Harry as he handed the man another spliff. “In Northampton. The sewers. Near the end of 3rd street. Behind a brick’ coughed GetAScrew. Harry handed him another spliff, and pulled another from his pocket. “And the last?’ asked Harry as he waved the spliffs under GetAScrew’s nose. “The dope lord’s apprentice ‘as it’ said GetAScrew as he tried to grab the spliffs, but Harry’s hand was faster. “That’s not good enough. You have to tell me who he is, and where he’s keeping it’ said Harry. “They’ll kill me if I tell. My life is worth more than two spliffs’ cried GetAScrew. Harry lit one of the spliffs and blew the smoke in GetAScrew’s face. “Every second you waste, this spliff will go up in smoke’ said Harry. “It’s the half baked prince. Prince ‘arry’ cried GetAScrew as he looked at Harry with pleading eyes. “The prince? Bollocks! I want the truth’ growled Harry. “I swear it.’ replied GetAScrew. “Where does he keep it?’ demanded Harry. “Up his arse for all I know. Let me have the weed’ wailed GetAScrew. Harry tossed the last two spliffs in his face, spun around, and walked away. “Gore dammut!’ cried the toothless whizzard. “Sorry, I forgot about you’ said Harry as he stepped over the old man’s legs again.
Harry passed under a street lamp, and looked at his watch. “Damn’ he groaned. He was going to be late. He was stoned, his feet felt like lead, and he was tired. He wasn’t in any condition to run. He’d have to walk back, and hope the others didn’t leave him behind. “You’re money or your life’ screamed a mugger as he jumped at Harry with a knife. *BLAM* Harry had drawn his Desert Eagle and blown a hole through the man’s forehead without even thinking. The man’s blood had splashed on Harry’s clothes. Halfway back to the car it occurred to him that he was angry, and should’ve taken the dead wanker’s money. He walked until he got to the place where he’d parked the car, but all he found was some broken glass, and a silk handkerchief with the initials A.S.S. “Damn!’ said Harry as he started toward the Smoke Shed Inn. “Harry?’ called a voice. It was Ginny. “The car was stolen. We lost everything’ she cried. “Where the bloody hell is Herpes? She was supposed to guard the car!’ cried Harry. “She was shopping with me’ replied Ginny sheepishly. As he walked closer he could see Herpes and Ron sitting on a bench behind her. “How much money do you lot have left?’ asked Harry. They emptied their pockets- 16 galleons and a pretzel. “At least you bought munchies… You did buy munchies?’ asked Harry. They looked at each other with an expression of guilt, and then back at him. “What did you spend 984 galleons on?’ asked Harry incredulously. “Strippers’ said Ron “Okay..’ said Harry with a look of comprehension on his face. He looked at Ginny and Herpes, who were sure he’d explode if he knew what they’d bought. They looked at each other once more and hid their new clothes behind themselves. “Strippers’ said Herpes. “Yeah, strippers’ said Ginny. “Lets jack another car and get the hell out of here’ grumbled Ron. “Look around. There are no other cars here’ said Harry. He pulled out his wand and screamed as loudly as he possibly could. “ACCIO TRUNK’ Nothing happened. “The car must be too far away’ said Ginny. Harry was too tired to be pissed at them. “Looks like we’ll be staying at the Smoke Shed Inn tonight’ he said gloomily. He looked briefly at the handkerchief in his hand, and decided to keep it. When he found the wanker that dropped it, he’d tear the bastard’s bollocks off with a claw hammer and shove them down his throat with a broom handle. They walked to the Inn and Harry slumped on the front desk. “You’re back! Did you find him? You’ve got blood on your…’ cried the clerk. “Two rooms, four people, one night’ demanded Harry as he interrupted him. The Clerk’s expression changed in an instant. His beady eyes glared at Harry. “80 galleons’ he demanded. Harry paid him and took the room keys. “Check out time is nine o’clock sharp’ said the clerk. Herpes joined Harry in room 216, while Ron and Ginny went to room 217. Herpes was feeling guilty about losing the car. She’d expected him to take it out in trade, but he’d fallen asleep as soon as his body touched the bed.
The next morning Herpes awoke to discover she was alone in their room. “Where’d Harry go?’ she wondered as she lit her bong. A knock on the door gave rise to the hope that Harry had left for ice, but it was Ron and Ginny. They joined her in a morning toke. “We’re ready to go. Where’s Harry?’ asked Ginny. “I don’t know. He left before I woke’ grumbled Herpes. “Did he leave a note?’ asked Ron. “Do you see a note anywhere?’ growled Herpes. Ron glanced around the room, and scratched his head. “No’ he replied. “He wouldn’t have ditched us’ cried Ginny defensively. “Well, he’s not here and check out time in is an hour. I’m going to breakfast.’ declared Ron. “Bring back an Egg McMuffin’ said Ginny. “And a McGriddle’ added Herpes. “I barely have enough money for myself, let alone you two’ complained Ron. Ginny shoved a five pound note in his hand, and pushed him out the door saying. “Now you do’. “Ron, wait!’ shouted Herpes. “What more do you want’ he grumbled. “If you see Harry, tell him we’re waiting’ she demanded. “If I see Harry, he’ll buy you breakfast, and I’m keeping the fiver’ replied Ron. “No you won’t… Damn it!’ exclaimed Ginny as she watched him descend the stairs. They waited the full hour toking in the room. Another knock on the door gave them hope, but it was a bell hop demanding them to return their room keys at the front desk. They’d given Ron a chance, and he’d blown it. They walked down stairs and as they entered the lobby they noticed three people in the room. One was Ron, and he was tied to a chair. Wounded and bleeding, he appeared to be unconscious. “Ron!’ cried Herpes. “Your friend is a nosey one, he is. He likes askin’ questions about fings that should be left well enough alone’ hissed a methneeder with a bloodied fist. Herpes pulled the Desert Eagle from her purse, and pointed it at the methneeder with trembling hands. “Let him go’ she cried. “Don’t fink so, luv. Now why don’t you put the gun down before we have teh hurt you’ replied the methneeder as he pulled Ron’s gun out of his robes. “Dun do it’ coughed Ron as blood dribbled from his crushed nose. “No’ cried Herpes as she squeezed the trigger. *Blam* Blam* Wack* She’d fired one shot, the methneeder shot back- neither of them hit their target, and the desk clerk bashed her over her head with a baseball bat. Herpes crumpled on the floor. “See what bein’ a hero gets ya. Don’t you be stupid too’ cried the desk clerk as he glared at Ginny with hate in his beady eyes. She lifted her head, and looked back into his. Her eyes were ablaze with hell fire. A twisted and wicked smile had come over her face, and a dark stoner aura was flowing from her. The clerk was momentarily stunned to see her excitement. “Bollocks!’ she bellowed. The clerk drew back his bat preparing to strike her, saying “You’ll get the same…’ *Blam* Blam*. Ginny shot the clerk and the methneeder as though they were statues. Their heads seemed to explode simultaneously, and they fell to the floor where they lay twitching. She smashed the register with the clerk’s bat, and stuffed the money in her purse. “Not a bad haul. Looks like a couple thousand pounds’ she thought as she closed her purse. She looked over at Herpes, who despite a traumatic blow to her cranium had risen to her hands and knees. Lets get you two cleaned up and we’ll get some breakfast’ she said cheerfully.
A loud screeching noise came from outside. Harry burst through the hotel doors, and in his haste nearly tripped over Herpes. He looked around the lobby. “What the bloody hell happened here?’ he cried. “Those bastards were trying to kill us’ said Ginny as she helped Herpes stagger onto her feet. “We have to get the hell out of here now. The pigs are coming’ said Harry as he flipped open his switchblade and cut the ropes restraining Ron. They helped their friends to the car, and sped away just as police sirens became audible. “They’re nearly on us’ cried Harry as he turned a corner, and raced down a cramped English alley. “Why are they after us?’ asked Ginny. “I tried to nick money from the queen’s bank’ replied Harry. “Where is the money?’ asked Ginny who was becoming agitated with him. “I didn’t have time to load it in the car. The pigs swarmed around me, and tried to box me in. I escaped by driving across some wanker’s lawn, through a school playground, under bridge, and hid in a culvert’ explained Harry. “That explains why we’re driving on bare rims, but what I want to know…’ said Ginny. ”No- The pigs shot the tires. They were trying to stop the car’ interrupted Harry. “How are they able to find us’ asked Ginny. “Pricks with their mobile phones. The pigs are offering ten thousand pounds for information leading to my apprehension. Half of London is looking for this car’ He glanced over at Ron. “Why did the clerk torture him?’ he asked. “He’d asked a methneeder some questions or something’ said Ginny. A look of guilt came over Harry’s face. Had it been his fault Ron was tied to a chair and tortured. There was no reason to question it, he knew it was. He’d tried not to get his friends involved, but he’d made too many mistakes. “We have to get a different car. The rims are almost gone’ said Harry as he drove over a hedge, and into a church parking lot. “Wait here’ he commanded as he jumped out of the car, and jimmied the lock on an old minivan. Fifteen seconds later he’d hotwired the vehicle, and they helped Herpes and Ron inside. Harry reached in his pack and pulled out his invisibility cloak. He draped it over Ron so onlookers wouldn’t report seeing an injured man in the vehicle. They had just enough time to escape. The sirens were blaring, and Harry knew the police were closing in when he drove off the church parking lot. Three police cars passed by them before they’d passed the city limits. Harry turned on the radio, and listened to the news. “…the suspect is believed to have taken off on foot. Police are still collecting information…’ It wouldn’t be long before the police discovered a vehicle was stolen from the church parking lot. He’d have to ditch the van somewhere soon. They’d driven for over an hour when Ron spoke up. “I’m hungry’ he complained. “I’m nearly broke, mate. The bastard what stole our car last night took a fortune in galleons with him. I have to nick some money first’ explained Harry. “I’ll pay for breakfast on one condition’ said Ginny. “What?’ asked Harry. “I’m sleeping with you from now on, and I want sexual gratification’ she replied. “You have a deal’ said Harry. “Where do you want to go?’ asked Ginny. “Two places in London, one in South Whales, Northampton, and Buckingham palace. But we’ll go to Liverpool, or whatever you had in mind as well’ said Harry. “Buckingham palace!’ exclaimed Herpes. She’d gradually recovered from the blow the clerk had given her, and was now interested in the conversation. She envisioned herself dressed in royal gowns, with servants fulfilling her every desire. The prince rode in upon a white steed and carried her away to his bed chambers where he ravished her. “I was asking where you want to eat’ said Ginny. “I will be a princess! I’m going to seduce the prince and secure my future’ cried Herpes though she knew the guards would never let them near the prince. “You’re delirious! I think that blow to your head caused some damage’ said Ginny. “You wait and see. You remember when I told you I wanted a pony?’ asked herpes. “What of it?’ asked Ron. “I’m going to have my own stable’ she declared. “I can’t wait to sneak samples from the royal glue factory’ chuckled Ron. Herpes glared at him. “We’ll sneak past the guards’ said Harry. “How?’ asked Ginny. “My invisibility cloak’ he replied “Let’s go to Buckingham Palace first’ squealed Herpes. “Ron hasn’t recovered enough yet. Until we get him cleaned up, I want to keep him under the cloak.’ said Harry. “Where are we?’ asked Herpes. “The outskirts of Northampton’ Harry replied.
They stepped out of the van and walked a short distance to a bus stop. Harry looked at the schedule. They were in luck, the bus would arrive shortly. “The bus should be here soon’ said Harry. “Puddle buses only take exact change, and I don’t have any. How much do you have?’ Ginny asked Harry. “Not enough for both of us’ he replied as he counted it. Suddenly he got an idea; “If you hide under the cloak with Ron and Herpes, we’ll have enough’ suggested Harry. She reluctantly stepped under the cloak. “It smells like ass under here’ she complained. “The bus is here, be quiet and follow me’ ordered Harry as he stubbed out his spliff and stepped on the bus. “50 P’ demanded the driver. Harry paid him and stepped into the bus. Most of the seats were taken, so he stood and grabbed a leather strap. An MI6 agent was looking at him suspiciously with his rifle in the ready position. Harry didn’t want to make eye contact with the bastard. After a few minutes Harry heard the agent using his radio. He couldn’t hear much of the dialogue, but one word made him uneasy- “terrorist’. “I’m hungry’ wailed Ron. “We’re almost there, just hang on a little longer’ said Harry. “I can’t, I’m starving’ he cried. “For god sake Harry, give him the munchies in your pack before he gives us away!’ growled Herpes. Harry removed his pack, and reached inside just as the bus was turning a corner *Blam* Blam* Blam* Blam* Blam* Blam* The Mi6 agent opened fire on him. He fell to the floor of the bus wounded. Herpes and Ginny pulled him under the cloak. The MI6 agent moved quickly to the place Harry was standing, and radioed for assistance. “I’ve got a bomb’ he screamed into his radio with his eyes fixed on Harry’s pack. “That bastard shot me’ gasped Harry. “Shut up!’ hissed Ginny in a whispered voice. “You’re lucky he’s a bad shot’ chuckled Ron. “We were turning a corner. It threw his aim off’ whispered Ginny. “How bad is it?’ asked Harry as quietly as he could manage. “You were shot in your left arm, and it looks like a bullet grazed your inner thigh. You were lucky, but the old woman you were standing next wasn’t as fortunate’ whispered Herpes. “No, if I were lucky he’d have left me alone’ groaned Harry as he held his arm. The bus rolled top a stop and four more MI6 agents ran in. “Nobody move!’ an agent cried. They were shoving their weapons in passenger’s faces and making threatening gestures. Herpes and Ginny helped Ron and Harry slip past the agents, and exit through the still open bus door. Ron spotted a diner, and at his insistence they chose to stop there. “Burger King is down the street’ said Ginny. “This place is closer’ replied Ron as he limped toward the door.
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Feb 13th, 2006 05:13 AM
