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Pseudo
Senior Member
Gender:
Location: United States |
It was Penis GetAScrew, but something was different about him. "What happened to your head, man?' asked Smokesummore. "His scalp is silver' said Herpes. "Never mind that. Look at his arms, man. They're fu<king huge. What's your secret?' asked SmokeSummore. Uhhhhhhhn' groaned GetAScrew as he locked the door and swallowed the key. Moving toward them he slammed an arm through a cabinet raining china down on their heads. This reminded Harry of something he'd seen on TV, but what was it? Suddenly he remembered the monster movie they'd watched in the hotel. But what was the monster's weakness. He couldn't remember. GetAScrew took a swing at Smokesummore knocking him to the floor. "Damn it!' said Harry "Of all the times I needed to remember something...'. Herpes pulled him out of the way of a table splintering blow that sent an oak chair flying across the room. "What was that monster's weakness?' he thought aloud. A blow knocked him across the room. He was dazed, and it felt very hard to move. He watched as the hulking monster lumbered mindlessly toward him, it reminded him of something else... Inferi, and their weakness is... "Fire! Use fire!' cried Harry. Herpes cast Incendio on GetAScrew, but it only made him angry. He grabbed her by her throat, lifting her off her feet, and tossed her against the wall. "Got any other bright ideas' she choked as she tried to stand. "Damn thing was frozen solid as a brick. It's taking ages to thaw!' complained Ron. GetAScrew’s attention turned toward Ron. He moved toward him, but before he could deliver a blow something happened to him. He froze as if paralyzed. Urine was streaming down the monster's trousers, as he fell to his knees and then crumpled to the floor in front of the microwave convulsing. *Ding* Ron's burrito was done, and he sat on a chair eating it while his friends pulled themselves off the floor. Harry pulled Smokesummore to his feet, and used a blasting spell to blow open the door. As they left the room, the lift behind them opened and a large number of MethNeeders were casting curses at them. "Just go, god damn it!' cried Smokesummore as he shoved them away and used someone's bong wand to close the path with a blasting spell. Harry searched his pockets, to discover his wand was gone. But he still had SmokeSummore’s bong wand. "That old bas+ard nicked my bong wand' cried Harry. "You really should use that secret compartment a little more often' said Ron as he finished his burrito. Harry ignored him, and pulling out his gun he charged into Baldysnort's office. "All right, you bas+ard, y-' Harry said, stopping short of a full sentence. A bright light shown down from the ceiling blinding him. "Welcome, I've been expecting you' said Baldysnort. "I've rented a BBC television crew for just this occasion' he added as he lifted his robes and walked toward them. "I can't see a damn thing' cried Ron as he opened fire killing the cameraman, and wounding three MethNeeders. The remaining crew panicked and ran out the door behind them. "Do you have any bloody idea how much they cost me? They charge by the hour, Pothead, and we've been waiting for seven hours' spat Baldysnort. "Oh like that's my problem' said Harry as he shot in Baldysnort’s general direction. "Avada Ka- Holy shi+!' exclaimed Baldysnort. "You?' came a shrill voice from behind them.
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Aug 3rd, 2007 08:53 AM |
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Pseudo
Senior Member
Gender:
Location: United States |
Death curses were zipping past them. They seemed to be caught between two really pissed off whizzards in a duel. "Move to the left, now!' cried Harry. Spots appeared before their eyes, as they ran from under the spot light. They desperately tried to find something to take cover behind. They knocked over a leather couch and were joined by a number of MethNeeders who were also trying to take cover. They watched as Baldysnort and DumbBi+ch circled each other. "Your have a lousy aim. It's almost as bad as you were in bed' cried DumbBi+ch. "You raped me! Your father caught you doing it and forced me to marry you at the end of a gun. I was in therapy for years afterward, and I've still not recovered!' spat Baldysnort. "If you were any kind of a man, you'd have loved it. I gave you the best years of my life' she bellowed. "You lying bi+ch! We filed for divorce the next day, and you gave me three months of hell in court. You ran off with my money!' roared Baldysnort. "You used me to make your money' she roared back at him. "Oh my god! Her voice.. She's his ex-wife' cried Ron as he opened fire on DumbBi+ch. The bullet hit her wand arm, and made her scream in agony. She dove behind Baldysnort's desk where he tortured her with the cruciatus curse. "I'm glad that's over, but why did she come?' asked Ron as he clambered over the couch toward Baldysnort. “That’d be my fault. I rolled her on the bus’ Harry said wryly. Herpes beamed at him, but Ron was determined to get some questions answered. Baldysnort’s puffy and bloodshot snake like eyes found Ron as he moved toward him. "Why did you try to kill her? Don’t you need her to make more wh0recrusts?' Ron asked while pulling out a bottle of Mogen David. Baldysnort considered him for a moment and lowered his bong wand. "Ron, what the hell are you doing?' asked Herpes. "It's not you or me he wants to kill' said Ron between swallowing two mouths full of wine. "But Harry-' she started "Will kick his @ss. All we have to do is sit back and watch' said Ron. Baldysnort gave a "Harrumph'. "You think he can kick my @ss? He's a walking twig with glasses and a scar. I could kill him with a pillow' spat Baldysnort with an air of having been insulted. "Then you don't mind giving it a shot?' asked Ron. Baldysnort's bloodshot and puffy snake like eyes narrowed. "Certainly not' he hissed. Harry understood that he had one chance. Smokesummore said that the stone was the strongest crack he had ever smoked, so maybe it could fry the Dope Lord making him an easy target, or so Harry reasoned as he packed SmokeSummore’s bong with as much of the stone as it could hold. "I'm ready' said Harry as he jumped over the couch pointing SmokeSummore’s bong wand at Baldysnort. These were the words Baldysnort had been waiting for. "You've been lucky until now, Pothead, but your luck has run out! Its time to unveil my ultimate weapon.' boasted Baldysnort. A man none of them had ever seen before walked up to them. "Who the bloody hell are you?' asked Ron. "I searched the internet looking for the most powerful magician in the world. Prepare to be destroyed by David Blaine' cackled Baldysnort. "I hear you like to get high, but I bet you've never gotten this high!' said Blaine as he apparently hovered 5 inches from the floor. "Ha, you see, it's pointless to resist us, Pothead! You're no match for his dark sorcery!' cried Baldysnort. "But isn't he just standing on the end of one foot?' asked Herpes. Baldysnort looked down at the ground rubbing his forehead, apparently in deep thought. "Probably... I was really fu<kin' stoned when I signed him' he admitted as Harry handed him SmokeSummore’s bong wand, which he gladly toked. "Right, that's useless. What else have you got?' laughed Ron as he shoved his finger in Blaine's face. "I can also do this' cried Blaine as he kicked Ron in the balls. Ron fell to his knees from the blow. Water welled up in his eyes as he watched his bottle of wine shatter on the ground in front of him.
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Aug 3rd, 2007 08:53 AM |
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Pseudo
Senior Member
Gender:
Location: United States |
"Fu<kin' wanker broke me Mogen David!' he screamed while pulling himself up. Rage had exploded within him. Now it was personal.
"Don't call him a wanker! He is divine like a god! He performs miracles! Can you perform miracles?!' shouted Narcotissa (Narcissa) Malpoy
"Yes, I can turn wine into water' spat Ron as he raised his robes and pissed in her face.
"This is the best shi+ I've ever had... But, it actually tastes like shi+. I'll make you an offer, Pothead. If you'll supply me with a thousand kilos of coke like this, I'll... What the hell is that?!' cried Baldysnort as he dropped the bong wand. All the people he'd snuffed were pouring out of it in ghostly form. Suddenly and without warning they attacked him. The entire room erupted into violence. Furniture was flying, teeth were knocked out, balls were being kicked, hair was being pulled, faces were slapped, and fingers were bitten. It was one giant bi+ch fight. And suddenly the door was torn from it's hinges as an enormous leg slammed it to the ground. The fighting ceased immediately as all eyes turned toward this new comer. In the jam stood Vermin Dirty with an air of pure killing intent. His eyes slowly moved from one side of the room to the other. "YOU!' he bellowed pointing a portly finger at Harry. "MY SON HAS BEEN HAULED OFF TO ABU GHRIAB PRISON BECAUSE OF YOU! YOU'VE TARNISHED OUR FAMILY NAME FOR THE LAST BLOODY TIME, BOY!' screamed Vermin Dirty as he whipped out two submachine guns opened fire on the entire room. He looked like a fat disgruntled and slightly deranged Rambo. "I'LL KILL YOU, I'LL KILL YOUR FRIENDS, I'LL KILL YOUR SUPPLIER. THE WHOLE LOT' screamed Vermin. Baldysnort was the first to fall, followed by his remaining half dozen MethNeeders. DumbBi+ch jumped out of a window slamming into the pavement outside, while Harry and his friends dove behind the furniture. "That's your uncle?' cried Ron. I wish my uncle had guns like those' he whimpered. A missile roared past them and slammed into the wall. A closet door was blown open from the blast and a broom fell out. "Accio Broom! Let's get the hell out of here' exclaimed Harry as he pulled Ron and Herpes onto the broom and flew out the hole. The broom wasn't made to hold three people, and Harry was losing control over it. They crashed into a pile of rubbish. "Well, he's dead, and Harry's uncle did it' Ron said as he beamed at Harry. "He was trying to kill us, you wanker' replied Harry, but Ron didn't seem to hear him, or perhaps he didn't care. He was after all a Weedley.
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Aug 3rd, 2007 08:54 AM |
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Pseudo
Senior Member
Gender:
Location: United States |
Epilogue
Harry returned to the burrow with his friends, if for no other reason than to see Ginny. He found that they had a few other guests as well. IveDun’EmAll was dressed in a short cut nurse's uniform and was apparently looking after the wounded. Harry was surprised to discover that SmokeSummore had been injured and was sharing a room with Mr. Weedley. He didn't understand how SmokeSummore arrived at the burrow before they did, but he'd discovered that old man had lied about not searching for him that morning. They waited outside the room for fear of walking in while anything disgusting was happening between Smokesummore and IveDun’EmAll. In only a few minutes IveDun’EmAll opened the door and stepped into the hall.
"How is he doing?' Harry asked
"Smokesummore isn't feeling well at the moment' she replied
"Was he wounded when we fought Baldysnort?' asked Ron
"No... He was sucking his own cock when...' She momentarily looked at the floor biting her lip with concern. "He sneezed. It's on ice, but we'll have a devil of a time reattaching it unless extreme care is taken.'
"Is that what he told you?' asked Harry with an air of skepticism. He remembered finding the knife next to SmokeSummore’s head.
IveDun’EmAll looked at him suspiciously
"Then why is he here' asked Harry quickly changing the subject as though reading her mind.
"Because he smuggled his bank roll out of the castle in a student's luggage, Smokesummore couldn't go to the whizzard hospital without being arrested by the new manager of money. He is now considered a terrorist leader under the global patriot laws' explained IveDun’EmAll.
"Guilty just because we say so' Herpes replied with a chuckle
"Funny word that: terrorism. Seems like parliament is terrified of everything' replied Harry. IveDun’EmAll looked up at him with astonishment.
"Anything that threatens the control governments hold over individual lives will always terrify them, Pothead' she explained. Harry was dumbfounded. He'd figured that IveDun’EmAll must be as crazy as Smokesummore to follow him around, but what she said made perfect sense. Or maybe he was experiencing that higher consciousness the old man kept babbling about. In either case, he decided to tell the him what happened after they'd left him in the blocked corridor, but it seemed that it was Smokesummore who wanted to tell them about it. The moment he saw Harry he cried out.
"I ran, man. I'm sorry, I never said I was a hero. I couldn't fight him. I've seen his films, man. They're sick as hell, and cost ten pounds for the VHS'
"You bloody liar! We both know you lost your cock to this knife' said Harry as he held up the knife.
"And you were the one who saved me, thank you very much, my hero. You know, you make me look like a pansy, man? You do, and don't think I was rattling on about higher consciousness to my brother just because I’ve attained it. I like driving him crazy' explained Smokesummore
"What?' asked Herpes
"Its nothing' answered Harry. His scar was burning again, and his attention returned to Smokesummore
"But professor, if Baldysnort is dead why the bloody hell does my scar still hurt?'
"Oh, that' replied Smokesummore. "That's the CIA microchip implanted under your skin. Yeah man, you've been under mind control since you were a baby.... Wait.... Oh shi+!' cried Smokesummore. "What?' asked Harry still rubbing his scar.
"You're a damn plant! You gotta die man!' said Smokesummore pulling out his wand.
"Thank you! I wanted that back' said Harry as he snatched it from the old man's hand.
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Aug 3rd, 2007 08:55 AM |
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Pseudo
Senior Member
Gender:
Location: United States |
He walked down stairs and raided the fridge. 19 beers later Harry was ready to make some Weedley bas+ard children of his own. The monster in Harry's trousers had risen to the occasion. He took Ginny's hand, and pulled her in the wash room where they shagged on the bog. Several people were pounding on the door, demanding to use the bog. It was a full moon that night, and Harry was quite certain that fecundation would take place. He'd give Ginny a child she would want to raise as her own. An owl unexpectedly smashed through the window. It was carrying a letter of gratitude thanking Harry for destroying the Dope Lord, and inviting him to a marshmallow roast on live television. Harry jumped at the opportunity. He wanted the entire world to hear of Baldysnort's defeat. Now was the time whizzards and puddles could live along side each other in peace and harmony. He'd prepared a speech, but as he arrived at the location he noticed something disturbing. A wooden stake sat upright in the middle of a wood pile. "I, er... You're going to kill me' said Harry flatly as he felt a great wave of disappointment rush over him. "Yep' said a man clutching his bible in one hand and holding a box of matches in the other. Harry tried to run, but they caught hold of him and forcibly tied to the steak while a Christian televangelist handed out bags of marshmallows to a group of boy scouts. "Before we start, I want to ask if you are willing to repent of your sins and reject Satan' said the televangelist. "Never heard of him' growled Harry. "And yet you use magic and sorcery. Power you gain from him' bellowed the televangelist as the children sat around the wood pile holding out their sticks. Instead of debating the matter with this windbag, Harry turned his attention toward the children. "When I smoke crack everything looks magical. Give it a try kids, its loads of fun. And, you know what? Your pastor will be giving you a free sample, because I have enough cocaine in my pocket to make you all addicts for life. So when they light the fire remember to breath deeply and relax' laughed Harry. "Oh my gawd! Cut him down and get him out of here! I won't subject our children to the vices of the devil' cried the televangelist as he stormed off. "But the show?' asked the camera man. "Somebody cut him down, god damn it' spat an angered stage hand. There was uproar among the parents. "How dare you!' cried a mother of one of the boys. "I’m sorry, ma’am, I didn’t mean to say it. It’s just that we spent three days setting up for this and-' the stage hand apologized, before she interrupted him. "When I tell the minister what you said in front of these children, you need not worry about working here any longer' she spat and stormed after the televangelist. The irony didn’t elude Harry. These parents wanted their children to roast marshmallows while a man burned to death in front of them, but they went ape shi+ when a man swore. As soon as he’d been cut free, Harry walked off the set. Somewhere nearby a song was playing. "Rain drops keep falling on my head'. Harry lit a spliff thinking to himself how he identified with the song.
The End
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Aug 3rd, 2007 08:55 AM |
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MadMel
Heh
 Gender: Male
Location: Australia |
brilliant conclusion! 
__________________
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Aug 3rd, 2007 09:30 AM |
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Pseudo
Senior Member
Gender:
Location: United States |
*BUMP*
In honor of the release of the final movie in the HP series.
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Jul 13th, 2011 09:35 AM |
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ronaldo davinci
Junior Member
Gender:
Location: Australia |
 Hey I only joined last night and have spent two days reading it. I wish i could have posted earlier but i really like you ideas and twists from the original harry potter. Thanks for posting this stuff and is there and other HP parodies that you have created. REally like the twisted realationships and fact that it sticks to its njame but delivers more than expected. Did you start the harry pothead parodies Syren?
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Feb 28th, 2012 12:34 PM |
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