After re-reading some of your poems, I found this one to be my favourite. It has a strange structure and is a little clunky in places, but I like the rhythm and feeling of these lines:
It's borderline typical teenage angst at the end, but I like the way it contradicts itself. You start by saying you are 'cooling off', but by the end of the stanza you are remonstrating: 'Don't talk to me like some freakshow'. I don't know if that was intentional on your part, but it's definitely interesting.
I like this line. I don't know if it's you saying this sentiment or someone saying this to you in reference to your own musical tastes...My guess is it's the latter...
After that line, I don't really like the rest of the poem.
As for your other poems, it's refreshing to read other topics - like your ode to weather, 'THUNDERCLAPS' - being tackled rather than the usual sludge of 'Why does everyone hate me, blah, blah, blah'...
__________________ Come, my child...Your life begins here...
Okay, here is another poem. This one I need help with because it is lacking the last line. I had one but I didn't like the way it fit in.
( ) When the scent of Magnolias
Takes me back to simpler time
I often wonder if it is just nostalgia
Or if it is a message the past sent to me.
( ) When I rise from rest feeling refreshed
And beams of light cascading through my window
Make me feel warm comfort,
I wonder if it is felt by others.
( ) When I look back upon the pictures
Of yesterday I wonder
If it will stay fresh in my mind................
That is all I have for now. I was wondering if I should try to have a last line like I had done or if I should stretch this thought out longer? Any opinions? I am asking for help so if you do not like it just say so in a helpful way and if you do like it then maybe you can help me to tie this one up. Questions can be helpful in constructing a form for the poem or in understanding the point of the poem. So please ask and I will answer to the best of my ability. Thank you ..
__________________ And so it goes.
Last edited by calvinNhobbes on Jun 4th, 2005 at 03:21 AM
Thank you Dream warrior for you suggestion and thank you Coldfire, Moises for the encouragement.
Based on Dream warrior's contribution I have altered the poem a little.
Here is the third part redone.
When I look back upon yesterday
I wonder if it will stay fresh
Or become unsettled
Like leaves in Autumn breeze.
I know that the idea of fresh and settled versus unsettled may not seem to match up as well but I wanted to cut out some words in order to keep from having one line become to long over the others. So how is this revision?
Hmmm... well its good, and taking some words out improved it.... But the second line kinda seems unfinished to me... maybe put 'in my mind' back in there?? Anyone else agree or is it just me??
Ok it has been awhile since I have posted but here is the poem remixed and extended. Remember I am always a work in progress.
When the scent of Magnolias
Takes me back to simpler times
I often wonder if it is just nostalgia
Or if it is a message the past has sent me.
When I rise from rest feeling refreshed
And beams of light cascading through my window
Make me feel warm comfort
I wonder if it is felt by others
When I look back upon pictures of yesterday
I wonder if it will stay fresh
Or become unsettled
Like leaves in Autumn breeze
But..............
When I think of you
I know forever it will be
That you are a part of me
Future , Past, Present Collapse
Upon my heart and soul
As you guide me by memory
Toward an enlightened goal
When I can say "I know".
So there you go. Some may think these sound like two different halves and that may be so but I wanted it to lead towards a person. granted I was listening to the Chemical Brothers when I wrote the second half. Anyway let me know what you think. Any fine tuning or reworking to improve this one?
Another new poem for your viewing pleasure while you ponder the previous one. Soak it up but don't spit it in my face please. Use the kept to the left of the chair and I will examine the contents later thank you.
Time will eat away at you
And Kill you soon
Especially if you stay locked up
In your room
Step inot the sun, lay down your gun
There is no race to be won
For life is left alone without time
Two make a couple in love
So give back and in time you'll find a friend.
Give back so that you will find
You're alive before the end.
KMC Community Forums
May 25th, 2005 04:22 AM
You have one weird sense of humour there OBLH...
Even if I don't agree with all of it....
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