Scene 9
Pictures for Schools, take 8.
DIRECTOR: Action!
NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him
completely by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new
strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be
brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his
closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for
the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did--
[clop clop]
[An unknown knight rides in and stabs the narrator]
WOMAN: Greg!
Scene 10
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin.... So each of the knights
went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark
forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
MINSTREL (singing):
Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
And his balls...
ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.
Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
DENNIS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my
mud.
ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just
passing through.
ALL HEADS: What do you want?
MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and--
ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh,
j-j-ust to um, just to p-pass through good Sir knight.
ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!
ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
ROBIN: I am.
LEFT HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you.
MIDDLE HEAD: Shall I?
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so.
MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think?
LEFT HEAD: I think kill him.
RIGHT HEAD: Well let's be nice to him.
MIDDLE HEAD: Oh shut up.
LEFT HEAD: Perhaps-
MIDDLE HEAD: And you.
LEFT HEAD: Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off!
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favor!
LEFT HEAD: What?
RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time.
MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky, you're not next to him.
LEFT HEAD: What do you mean?
MIDDLE HEAD: You snore.
LEFT HEAD: Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
MIDDLE HEAD: Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
RIGHT HEAD: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
LEFT HEAD: All right all right all right we'll kill him first
and then have tea and biscuits.
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes.
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, but not biscuits.
LEFT HEAD: All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him
anyway.
ALL HEADS: Right!
LEFT HEAD: He buggered off.
RIGHT HEAD: So he has, he's scarpered.
MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away
ROBIN: No!
MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away
ROBIN: I didn't!
MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled
ROBIN: No!
MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
ROBIN: I didn't!
MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
ROBIN: I never did!
MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat
ROBIN: Oh, lie!
MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
ROBIN: I never!
Scene 11
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad
[boom crash]
[angels singing]
[pound pound pound]
GALAHAD: Open the door! Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
[squeak thump]
[squeak boom]
ALL: Hello!
ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are
nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
ZOOT: The what?
GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here?
ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget!
Crepper!
MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot!
ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.
MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you--
ZOOT: Away away vile peasents! The beds here are warm and soft
- -- and very, very big.
GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh--
ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?
GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come!
GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!
ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--
ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse
our hospitality.
GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh--
ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet
compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and
brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in
this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life --
bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear.... We
are just not used to handsome knights. Nay, nay, come, come, you
may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing!
ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no,
please, lie down.
[clap clap]
PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
GALAHAD: They're doctors?!
ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
GALAHAD: B-but--
ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet,
Doctor Winston, practice your art.
PIGLET: Try to relax.
GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary?
PIGLET: We must examine you.
GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!
PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.
GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!
PIGLET: Back to your bed!
GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!
PIGLET: There's no grail here.
GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--
GIRLS: Hello.
GALAHAD: Oh--
VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
Hello.
GALAHAD: Zoot!
DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
DINGO: Where are you going?
GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
GALAHAD: What is it?
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting
alight to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped.
It's not the first time we've had this problem.
GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty
person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle
Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the
grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her,
you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.
VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me. And me. And me.
DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex!
GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD: Oh, hello.
LAUNCELOT: Quick!
GALAHAD: What?
LAUNCELOT: Quick!
GALAHAD: Why?
LAUNCELOT: You're in great peril!
GALAHAD:
ZOOT:
LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!
GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important.
LAUNCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!
GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!
LAUNCELOT: Come on!
GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!
LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on!
GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot
easily!
DINGO: Oh, yes, let him handle us easily.
GIRLS: Yes, yes!
GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and
fifty of them!
DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
GIRLS: Yes, yes.
[boom]
DINGO: Oh, shit.
[outside]
LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
GALAHAD: I don't think I was.
LAUNCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
LAUNCELOT: No, it's too perilous.
GALAHAD: Look, [something] as much peril as I can.
LAUNCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
LAUNCELOT: No, it's unhealthy.
GALAHAD: Bet you're gay!
LAUNCELOT: No, I'm not.
Narrative Interlude
NARRATOR: Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain
temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile,
King Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight
away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's
flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's
flights away -- four, really, if they hadn't a cord of line between
them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--
CROWD: Get on with it!
NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a
smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers
a vital clue, in which there aren't any swallows, although I think
you can hear a starling -oolp!
Scene 12
OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha!
ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the
grail?
OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he!
ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?
OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there?
OLD MAN: Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!?
OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death.
ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
OLD MAN: Hee hee ha ha!
Scene 13
HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
ARTHUR: Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!
ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
BEDEMIR: Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pang,
and Nee-wom!
RANDOM: Nee-wom!
ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the
enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not
appease us.
ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: A what?
HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee!
ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you
will never pass through this wood alive!
ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will
return with a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
ARTHUR: Of course.
HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
ARTHUR: Yes.
HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go!
Scene 14
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Launcelot.
FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
HERBERT: What, the curtains?
FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see!
Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be
your kingdom, lad!
HERBERT: But, Mother--
FATHER: Father, I'm Father.
HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that.
FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing.
When I started here, all there was was swamp. The king said I was
daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same,
just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second
one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That
burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth
one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna get, lad -- the strongest
castle in these islands.
HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
FATHER: Rather what?!
HERBERT: I'd rather... just... [music] ...sing!
FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song
while I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting
married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land
in Britain.
HERBERT: But I don't want land.
FATHER: Listen, Alice...
HERBERT: Herbert.
FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the
land we can get.
HERBERT: But I don't like her.
FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's
beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have...
a certain... special... [music] ...something...
FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin'
Princess Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack]
Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come
and get 'im.
GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.
GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the
room.
FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e
doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Right.
GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
entering the room.
FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.
GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes.
FATHER: All right?
GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
FATHER: Yes, what is it?
GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh--
FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.
GUARD #1: Uh...
FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the
room. All right?
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Right.
GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure--
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he
had to leave and we were--
FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here--
GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,--
FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me--
GUARD #1: Just you.
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Get back.
GUARD #1: Get back.
FATHER: Right?
GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: What?
FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: The Prince?
FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know,
it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
FATHER: Is that clear?
GUARD #2: Hic!
GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
FATHER: Right.
[starts to leave]
Where are you going?
GUARD #1: We're coming with you.
FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't
leave.
GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.
HERBERT: But, Father!
FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no
singing!
GUARD #2: Hic!
FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water
Scene 15
LAUNCELOT: Well taken, Concorde!
CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
LAUNCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the
big one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde!
[thwonk]
CONCORDE: Message for you, sir.
[fwump]
LAUNCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds
this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to
marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me.
I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry
of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy
Grail! Brave, brave Concorde! You shall not have died in vain!
CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
LAUNCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in
vain!
CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, I see.
CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
LAUNCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help
as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own
particular... (sigh)
CONCORDE: Idiom, sir?
LAUNCELOT: Idiom!
CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
LAUNCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde!
CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.
Scene 16
LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
LAUNCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Launcelot
of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.
HERBERT: You got my note!
LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, I got A note.
HERBERT: You've come to rescue me!
LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, no, you see--
HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out
there... there must be... [music] ...someone...
FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
HERBERT: I'm your son!
FATHER: No, not you.
LAUNCELOT: I'm Sir Launcelot, sir.
HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father.
LAUNCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
FATHER: Did you kill all the guard?
LAUNCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.
FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each.
LAUNCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain
everything.
HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot, I've got a rope
all ready!
FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
LAUNCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a
lady.
FATHER: I can understand that.
HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry!
FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
LAUNCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to...
FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his
head!
LAUNCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to
cost me a fortune!
LAUNCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding
north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?
HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot!
LAUNCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig
country....
LAUNCELOT: Yes.
HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready!
FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
LAUNCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
HERBERT: I am ready!
[start to leave]
LAUNCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding.
[thonk]
HERBERT: Oooh!
LAUNCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a
bit, uh, sort of carried away.
FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that.
HERBERT: Oooh!
[splat]
Scene 17
[wailing]
FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all
this knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
RANDOM: There he is!
FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.
LAUNCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please!
LAUNCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried
away. I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.
RANDOM: He's killed the best man!
[yelling]
FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from
the gorge of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my
special guest here today.
LAUNCELOT: Hello.
RANDOM: He killed my auntie!
[yelling]
FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here
today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond
of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert,
has just fallen to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so
much as... gained a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her
father--
RANDOM: He's not quite dead!
FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
RANDOM: He's getting better!
FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to
recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,--
[ugh]
RANDOM: Oh, he's died!
FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her
own dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense.
[clapping]
And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between
the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of
Camelot--
LAUNCELOT: What?
RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!
CONCORDE: He's not quite dead!
HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better.
FATHER: You fell out of the cold tower, you creep!
HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.
FATHER: How?!
HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you... [music]
FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!
SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
FATHER: Shut up!
SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way!
LAUNCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape in my own
particular....(sigh)
CONCORDE: Dogma, sir?
LAUNCELOT: Dogma! Hee! Ha!
[crash]
Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push,
please...?
Scene 18
[clop clop]
ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could
buy a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
CRONE: Who sent you?
ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Nee.
CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my
friend and I will say... we will say... `nee'.
CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!
ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,...
nee!
CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies!
ARTHUR: Nee!
BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo!
ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
BEDEMIR: Noo!
ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly.
BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee!
ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it.
ARTHUR and BEDEMIR: Nee! Nee!
ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
ARTHUR: Um, yes.
ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can
`nee' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land,
nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies
are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
ARTHUR: Did you say `shrubberies'?
ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name
is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
BEDEMIR: Nee!
ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No!
Scene 19
ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery.
May we go now?
HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels
particularly. But there is one small problem.
ARTHUR: What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
RANDOM: Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say
Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
RANDOM: Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til
Recently Said Nee?
HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must
place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you
get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must
cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word.
ARTHUR: What word?
HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it
is?
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
ARTHUR: What, `is'?
HEAD KNIGHT: No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not
saying `is'.
BEDEMIR: My liege, it's Sir Robin!
MINSTREL (singing): Packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing about
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge
ARTHUR: Oh, Robin! ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word!
ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
MINSTREL (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering up--
ROBIN: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it.
HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again!
ROBIN: I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
ROBIN: Uh, here, here in this forest.
ARTHUR: No, it is far from--
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!
ARTHUR: Oh, stop it!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh! He said it again!
ARTHUR: Patsy!
HEAD KNIGHT: Aaugh! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it
again!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
Narrative Interlude
NARRATOR: And so Arthur and Bedemir and Sir Robin set out on
their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken
in Scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad,
and there was much rejoicing.
ALL: Yay! Yay!
NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat
Robin's minstrels. And there was much rejoicing.
ALL: Yay!
NARRATOR: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring
changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter
gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn.
Until one day...
Scene 20
ARTHUR: Knights! Forward!
[boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom]
What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without
flint or tinder?
TIM: I... am an enchanter.
ARTHUR: By what name are you known?
TIM: There are some who call me... Tim?
ARTHUR: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
TIM: Greetings, King Arthur!
ARTHUR: You know my name?
TIM: I do.
[zoosh]
You seek the Holy Grail!
ARTHUR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
TIM: Quite.
[pweeng boom]
[clap clap clap]
ARTHUR: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Grail. Our quest is to
find the Holy Grail.
KNIGHTS: It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah.
ARTHUR: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it.
KNIGHTS: Yes we are we are.
BEDEMIR: We have been for some time.
ROBIN: Ages.
ARTHUR: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would
be... very... helpful...
GALAHAD: Look, can you tell us wh-
[boom]
ARTHUR: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time,
but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find
a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh--
TIM: A what...?
ARTHUR: A g--, a g--
TIM: A Grail?!
ARTHUR: Yes, I think so.
KNIGHTS: Yes, that's it. Yes.
TIM: Yes!
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.
[boom pweeng boom boom]
ARTHUR: Look, you're a busy man, uh--
TIM: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you.
TIM: To the north there lies a cave -- the cave of Kyre Banorg --
wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the
last words of Ulfin Bedweer of Regett [boom] proclaim the last
resting place of the most Holy Grail.
ARTHUR: Where could we find this cave, O Tim?
TIM: Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the
entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel
that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty
men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt
your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits
you all with nasty big pointy teeth.
ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance.
Scene 21
[clop clop whinny]
???: They're nervous, sire.
ARTHUR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot.
Dis-mount!
TIM: Behold the cave of Kyre Banorg!
ARTHUR: Right! Keep me covered.
???: What with?
ARTHUR: Just keep me covered.
TIM: Too late!
[chord]
ARTHUR: What?
TIM: There he is!
ARTHUR: Where?
TIM: There!
ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit?
TIM: It is the rabbit!
ARTHUR: You silly sod! You got us all worked up!
TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. That's the most foul,
cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
ROBIN: You ***! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's
a killer!
???: Get stuffed!
TIM: It'll do you a trick, mate!
???: Oh, yeah?
ROBIN: You monkey's scot's get!
TIM: I'm warning you!
ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum?
TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- he can leap about-- look at the
bones!
ARTHUR: Go on, Boris. Chop his head off!
BORIS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin'
right up!
TIM: Look!
[squeak]
BORIS: Aaaugh!
[chord]
ARTHUR: Jesus Christ!
TIM: I warned you!
ROBIN: I peed again!
TIM: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew
it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't
it? Well, it's always the same, I always--
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up!
TIM: --But do they listen to me?--
ARTHUR: Right!
TIM: -Oh, no--
KNIGHTS: Charge!
[squeak squeak]
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc.
KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!
TIM: Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw.
ARTHUR: Right. How many did we lose?
???: Gawain.
???: Hector.
ARTHUR: And Boris. That's five.
GALAHAD: Three, sir.
ARTHUR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal
assault, that rabbit's dynamite.
ROBIN: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.
GALAHAD: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will
make a mistake.
ARTHUR: Like what?
GALAHAD: Well,....
ARTHUR: Have we got bows?
???: No.
LAUNCELOT: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis
one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother
Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
[singing]
How does it, uh... how does it work?
???: I know not, my liege.
???: Consult the Book of Armaments!
MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
BROTHER: "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high,
saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou
mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord
did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and
carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and
fruit bats, and large --"
MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.
BROTHER: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out
the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less.
Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the
counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either
count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is
right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be
reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards
thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'"
MAYNARD: Amen.
ALL: Amen.
ARTHUR: Right! One... two... five!
???: Three, sir!
ARTHUR: Three!
[boom]
Scene 22
???: There! Look!
LAUNCELOT: What does it say?
GALAHAD: What language is that?
ARTHUR: Brother Maynard, you're our scholar!
MAYNARD: It's Aramaic!
GALAHAD: Of course! Joseph of Aramathea!
LAUNCELOT: Course!
???: What does it say?
MAYNARD: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of
Aramathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the
Holy Grail in the Castle of uuggggggh'.
ARTHUR: What?
MAYNARD: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'.
BEDEMIR: What is that?
MAYNARD: He must have died while carving it.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, come on!
MAYNARD: Well, that's what it says.
ARTHUR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve
'aaggggh'. He'd just say it!
MAYNARD: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
GALAHAD: Perhaps he was dictating.
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
MAYNARD: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'.
LAUNCELOT: Aauuggghhh.
???: Aaauggh.
BEDEMIR: You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh?
???: Where's that?
BEDEMIR: France, I think.
LAUNCELOT: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall?
ARTHUR: No, that's Saint Ives.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives.
SEVERAL: Iiiiives.
BEDEMIR: Oooohoohohooo!
LAUNCELOT: No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat.
Aauuugh.
BEDEMIR: No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh!
BEDEMIR: Yes, but I-- Aaaaagh!
???: Oooh!
???: Oh, no!
[roar]
MAYNARD: It's the legendary Black Beast of aaauuugh!
ARTHUR: Run away!
ALL: Run away! Run away!
[roar]
NARRATOR: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape
for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, the
animator suffered a fatal heart attack. [ulk] The cartoon
peril was no more. The Quest for Holy Grail could continue.
Scene 23
ARTHUR: There it is! The Bridge of Death!
ROBIN: Oh, great.
???: Look!
ARTHUR: There's the old man from Scene 24!
BEDEMIR: What is he doing here?
ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each
traveller five questions--
???: Three questions.
ARTHUR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
???: Three questions.
ARTHUR: Three questions may cross in safety.
ROBIN: What if you get a question wrong?
ARTHUR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
ROBIN: Oh, I won't go.
???: Who's going to answer the questions?
ARTHUR: Sir Robin!
ROBIN: Yes?
ARTHUR: Brave Sir Robin, you go.
ROBIN: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go?
LAUNCELOT: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him
single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east--
ARTHUR: No, no, hang on hang on hang on! Just answer the five
questions--
???: Three questions.
ARTHUR: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch...
and pray.
LAUNCELOT: I understand, my liege.
ARTHUR: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.
KEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me
these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
KEEPER: What is your name?
LAUNCELOT: My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot.
KEEPER: What is your quest?
LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER: What is your favorite color?
LAUNCELOT: Blue.
KEEPER: Right. Off you go.
LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
ROBIN: That's easy!
KEEPER: Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me
these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid.
KEEPER: What is your name?
ROBIN: Sir Robin of Camelot.
KEEPER: What is your quest?
ROBIN: To seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER: What is the capital of Assyria?
ROBIN: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
KEEPER: Stop! What is your name?
GALAHAD: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
KEEPER: What is your quest?
GALAHAD: I seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER: What is your favorite color?
GALAHAD: Blue. No yel-- Auuuuuuuugh!
KEEPER: Heh heh. Stop! What is your name?
ARTHUR: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
KEEPER: What is your quest?
ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
KEEPER: What? I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
BEDEMIR: How do know so much about swallows?
ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king
you know.
Scene 24
ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot! Launcelot!
BEDEMIR: Launcelot! Launcelot!
ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot!
BEDEMIR: Launcelot! Launcelot!
[angels singing]
ARTHUR: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! God be
praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast [something]
safe [something] the most-
[twong baaaa]
Jesus Christ!
GUARD: 'Allo, daffy English kaniggets and Monsieur Arthur-King,
who is afraid of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows out-wit
you a second time!
ARTHUR: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I
command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the
doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!
GUARD: How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in
your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could
out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about
in dancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you
heaving lot of second hand electric donkey bottom biters.
ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this
sacred castle!
GUARD: No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples
at you and call your door opening request a silly thing. You
tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
ARTHUR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle
by force!
[splat]
In the name of God and the glory of our--
[splat]
Right! That settles it!
GUARD: Yes, this time and [something] any more or we fire arrows
at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles
already! Ha ha!
ARTHUR: Walk away. Just ignore them.
GUARD: No, remain ??? illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And, if you
think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing
yet! Daffy English kaniggets! Thpppt!
ARTHUR: We shall attack at once!
BEDEMIR: Yes, my liege!
ARTHUR: Stand by for attack!
[ ending nonsense ]
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Mar 25th, 2007 01:11 AM
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