first it was telling us that harry juz apparated, the next thing, he was on...where?? wad made his hands bleed? and how come the death eaters could see him in his invisibility cloak?? did dat death eater have a magical eye?? then why would there be another triwizard tonourment so quickly???
sorry but i really must say dat you're writing to quickly w/o giving enuf details or fillers.
The innocent looking walls of the outside of Archdale Academy stood still through the night as rain lashed down onto it. 2 giant doors stood on the wall. A very loud crack broke the near-silence of the night as 1 adult and about 40 teenagers popped out of nowhere and fell on the ground. They got up and proceeded to the doors.
“Professor, why is there another tournament?” A voice echoed from the crowd.
“Yea, the last one ended 3 years ago, it’s supposed to be 100 years before another one.” Hermione questioned.
“Im afraid I can’t answer that Miss Granger” Professor McGonagall answered. The doors opened with a large screech that echoed through the castle. They made there way upstairs to 2 smaller doors where 40 brooms lay.
“Now, grab a broom each of you” McGonagall said. The students did as they were told and grabbed a broom and perched on them.
“There enchanted to fly in an organized way so you won’t have to do any flying of your own.” And to that note, the doors opened automatically and the brooms swept off around the room darting in and out of each other in an impressive way. Ron and Hermione found it hard to keep balance. A boy with blonde hair named Draco Malfoy fell from one of the brooms onto a table, breaking it as he did. Everyone laughed at his misfortune to which Ron was thrown of landing on the table, knocking over all the food onto everyone and himself. The brooms landed in front of the teachers of Archdale and the students climbed off. Ron and Draco got up with everyone laughing at them and hurried to the rest of the students. Hermione did her best to try and brush the food of Ron. They took a bow and took seats. It was now the students got a proper look at the hall. It had more or less the same style as Hogwarts, great hall only it was larger and had a blue colour scheme.
A few things: When you write numbers such as "two" or "forty", always use the word form. Never use "2" or "40".
You need more detail. It seems to me that at the start of the post, you're ready to describe everything, and by the end of the post, there is hardly an detail at all.
For example, don't say: "Draco fell onto a table breaking it." Say something like, "Draco's broom wobbled uncertainly in the air. He made a grab to steady it, but instead, the broom flipped over, dumping him into the air. He fell and landed onto a long wooden table, which broke with a snap."
It'll make your writing easier to understand, and also make it a better story altogether. Nobody wants to read something boring and undescriptive.
But like I said, I can still see improvements in your posts. Keep it up, and use more details.
In the Great Hall of Archdale, The headmaster of Archdale, Professor Bemus stood at the golden podium and waited to speak. Bemus was around 6 foot with long, brown hair and was definitely in his mid forty’s Of course the loud noise of the eagerly excited children wasn’t going to quiet down. Bemus took out his long, brown wand and pointed it at the back wall. A beam on silvery, while light escaped the tip of his wand. The beam turned into a phoenix as it swooped over everyone’s heads, leaving behind a trail of light. Its screech echoed loudly though the Hall. The phoenix swooped to the ceiling and blew up in a sea of fire and light. Everyone was immediately silenced and turned there attention to Bemus. Bemus flicked his wand and two golden barrels appeared from nowhere. One, the size of Bemus and the other the size of his legs. He pointed his wand at the shortest one and it started floating. Bemus guided it to the table and let it fall. He then turned to the tallest barrel and pointed his wand at it. It started to melt and bend into a giant goblet. Once done the gold then turned into silver and a bright, elaborate blue flame.
“The Goblet of Fire” the professor yelled across the room. “Those students wishing to submit there name to there tournament, write your name on a piece of parchment, and throw it in the flame. But be warned, 3, extremely dangerous tasks await the 3 students chosen. But the winner will be the owner of, The Triwizard Cup” He said as the ball vanished leaving a large glass cup. The students gasped in awe and started talking amongst themselves.
Later that night everyone over the age of 16 submitted there name into the cup, apart from those at Hogwarts, who remember the dangerous tasks from 3 years ago and didn’t want to be part of it. Only some from Hogwarts, who wanted the prize and willing to risk there life for it, submitted there name into the tournament.
Meanwhile, the bewitched Harry was overseeing a conversation between Voldemort and a Death Eater. Voldemort seemed to be made up of some green gas.
“No my lord Voldemort, we just haven’t got the means to…”
“NO!!! YOU WILL DO AS I ASKED, NOTHING IS GOING TO STOP US TONIGHT”
“Please my lord, we are trying. Its just, 200 against 3000, we will be outnumbered.”
“I DON’T CARE IF THERE ARE 900,000, WE’LL KILL THEM ALL”
“But my lord…”
“QUESTION ME AGAIN AND THE WIZARDS WILL BE THE LAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS!”
“But my Lord”
“AVADA KEDAVERA!” A blinding green light surrounded the death eater and threw him to the floor permanently. “MOODY!” Voldemort commanded. A fat man with blonde hair walked toward the gassy Voldemort. “YOU SHALL LEAD THESE PEOPLE TO ARCHDALE. DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE YOUR PREDASSOR DID OR FAIL THE MISSION OR YOUR WILL END UP LIKE HIM.
“Yes my lord Voldemort” Moody said as Voldemort disappeared
2 days passed and the day of excitement came for the people of Archdale.
“And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for, The Champion selection.” Bemus said triumphantly, the goblet that emitted the blue flame shook and turned its flame pink and shot out a piece of paper. The paper landed in Bemus’s hand and he started to read it.
“The Archdale champion is, Gerald Arums.” A tall, Caucasian male stood up from the crowd of Archdale. He had short, brown, fuzzy hair. he made his way to the small door that had recently been created.
“The Maven county champion is, Olivia Felton”. A tall, white female stood up, she was beautiful and had long silky blonde hair. She made her way to the same door. “And now the final champion, from Hogwarts” Bemus said as the flame shot out another piece of parchment. It floated through the air and into bemuses hand.
Gender: Female Location: Griffindor common room,
Hogwarts
Is it Draco Malfoy? By the way I didn't understand one thing. How has Draco joined the school again?I mean he had killed Dumbledore.Still instead of arresting him, he has been allowed to continue the school?
KMC Community Forums
Dec 30th, 2005 01:01 PM
