Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
Finale: Part 2
(opens in a seedy bar in Shipwreck City that is a step above Tortuga in debauchery and danger)
(Jocard is sipping his rum and mumbling to himself)
Jocard: Who does she think she is? That girl has tangled with the wrong man! No one runs against Jocard!
Flunky: Darn right!
Jocard: Why it's more than I can bear.
Flunky: More rum?
Jocard: What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced.
Flunky: Who you? Never! Jocard, you've got to pull yourself together! (breaks into song) Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Jocard/looking so down in the dumps/every guy here'd love to be you, Jocard/even when taking your lumps.
There's no man in town who's admired as you/you're everyone's favorite guy/everyone's awed and inspired by you/and it's not very hard to see why...
No one's quick as Jocard/No one's slick as Jocard/no one's neck's as incredibly big as Jocard/why there's no man in town half as manly/Perfect!/a pure paragon!/You can ask any tom, dick, or stanley/and they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on...
Crowd: (singing) No one's been like Jocard/a kingpin like Jocard/no one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Jocard.
Jocard: (singing) As a speciman yes, I'm intimidating...
All: (singing) My, what a guy, that Jocard! (they all begin to laugh evily)
CUT TO...Hollywood.
(Will, Jack, and Gibbs are walking down Sunset Boulevard)
Will: According to this map, Paramount Pictures should be nearby.
Jack: That's how we know Katie's really desperate. No one would dare work for Paramount and live to tell the tale afterwards. (walks on ominously)
Gibbs: Oh, sir, can we stop in at The Price is Right?
Will: No one "stops in," Gibbs. You wait all day to be seated and then they don't even call you down.
(Gibbs looks down at the ground and kicks the dirt in an angry-kid-stomp)
CUT TO...The Turner house
(The hired thugs all lay unconscious on the floor. Elizabeth, Captain Teague, Junior, James, and Sailor are tying them up.)
Sailor: Why did they come after you, Elizabeth?
Elizabeth: It's that Jocard! He's running against me.
Captain Teague: So much for a mystery to solve.
Elizabeth: There's no mystery about it, Captain Teague. (sighs) At least Will had the good sense to go to Hollywood to get away from all this.
James: Hollywood? You let him go to Hollywood? Elizabeth, that's a horrible place for him to go! You have to go after him!
Elizabeth: If I leave, I won't be able to campaign. Besides, Will can handle himself and he has Jack with him. They're going to promote a movie idea about all of us. I'll win for sure once the city knows a movie is going to be made about my life.
(Elizabeth fantasizes. She imagines herself in an evening gown on the ship. Barbossa is played by Harrison Ford.)
Fantasy Barbossa: (pets a cat) Once we have your blood on the gold, Miss Turner, the world shall be mine! Mine! (laughs)
Fantasy Elizabeth: How about your blood all over the cabin! (sommersaults to the other side and fires a gun at him. James Bond music begins to play) She then dives off the ship and magically lands in a convertible with James McAvoy driving. She saves the cat)
Fantasy James McAvoy: You saved Barbossa's cat! You're so amazing, Elizabeth!
Fantasy Elizabeth: (seductively) Would you like to pet my pussy?
FANTASY ENDS
James: (shaking Elizabeth by the shoulders) Elizabeth! If you go to Hollywood, you can start creating political ads! You can destroy Jocard's credibility. All the politicians do it!
Elizabeth: You're right! I can't just sit at home while Will and Jack might be in danger. What if someone's followed them to Hollywood? Junior, go upstairs and get Rosalie's carseat and diaper bag. We're going to Hollywood.
Junior: YAY! (runs upstairs)
Captain Teague: Never fear, Pirate King. I shall keep watch on the house and on Shipwreck City. Wherever a hungry pirate needs a sandwich, I'll be there. Wherever a small pirate can't reach something on a top shelf, I'll be there. Wherever...you get the idea (pretends to fly off)
CUT TO...Hollywood
(Will, Jack, and Gibbs are still orienting themselves in Hollywood)
Jack: In all my travels, surely this place is the strangest.
Will: As long as you still have the script.
Jack: Safely tucked away, mate. And if not, tis all up here (points to his head. Will does not look reassured)
Thug: Oh, Will Turner.
(Will turns and is punched out by the thug)
Thug: Captain Jocard says hello. (nabs Gibbs) I'll be taking this first mate and whatever cash you got.
Jack: Gibbs!
Will: My jaw!
Gibbs: Not to worry, cap'n! I might meet some beautiful women! (elbows thug. He tries to escape, but thug pulls a gun on him)
Thug: No more funny business, Mr. Gibbs. (to Will and Jack) Leave Hollywood and let Jocard usurp all Pirate King Turner's power. (runs off)
Katie: Oh, it's nothing. I shouldn't complain. I have a great career and am in great shape with lots of friends.
Tigers: Whatever happened with Jack Sparrow?
Katie: Oh that. (looks away)
Tigers: Don't look away again, hon. I almost cut you a bald spot.
Katie: It's just that Jack was never able to commit to me. I know he saved me from Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett, but I'm sure he's saved lots of women in his time.
Jack: (appears from behind a set) 14 women, to be exact, and slept with each and every one of them. (looks over at Will)
Will: (reciting as if he's memorized a script) Yes, I have much to learn from this (groans) stud.
Katie: Jack! What are you doing here? I told you no one would ever buy your idea for a television pilot.
Jack: Come on! It's librarians who criticize the patrons! What's not to love? (taking a serious tone) Gibbs has been kidnapped.
Katie: What happened?
Will: We came here because Jack has made a decision about...
Jack: (elbows Will in the ribs) pitching my screenplay. Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl. It stars yours truly. Gibbs was here with me but we think yet another of Pirate Lord Jocard's hairless wonders made off with him.
Katie: Then we can waste no time. (grabs a gun from the prop table. She loads real bullets into it)
Will: You can take that from the prop table?
Katie: Will, please. I'm Kate Beckinsale, savvy?
(they run back outside)
CUT TO...Los Angeles airport
James: How will we know where they've gone?
Sailor: James, Jack isn't just here to pitch a screenplay, you realize. He's going to win back Katie. (everyone looks at her) Why is this news to everyone? Apparently no one has ever seen a romantic movie before.
Elizabeth: Are those those stories where the guy and girl pretend to not like each other and at the end they kiss? I think I've heard of those. (sees a sign that says filming for the next Underworld movie) There! Hurry! (secures Rosalie in those little harnesses that babies sit in that puts them at chest-level with their carrier)
Junior: Dad! Uncle Jack! (reaches them first) We've come here to help you!
Will: Elizabeth! You should be in Shipwreck City securing your title.
Katie: Gibbs has been kidnapped.
Elizabeth: Jocard! That, that fink! Did you get a ransom note?
Jack: No, still too early, I'd wager. But, before he was a pirate lord, Jocard owned quite a bit of land here in the United States. If we could find his property, we'd most definitely find a hide-out.
(Barbossa suddenly appears in a hot air balloon above them)
Barbossa: Well well! Ain't this a fine sight?
Junior: Uncle Barbossa! What are you doing with that?
Barbossa: Your mother banned me from ships again and I once more await traffic school. But pirates tend to find ways around the rules, don't we, Ms. Turner? (winks at her) Hop in!
(Will, Elizabeth, Junior, Rosalie, Jack, James, Katie, and Sailor hop in the balloon)
Barbossa: Where to?
(Everyone looks at Jack. He shrugs)
James: Grauman's Chinese Theater. (now everyone looks at him) When you hunt pirates for a living, you tend to know which pirates own what land. He is one of the owners of Grauman's Chinese Theater.
Barbossa: Then we be off! Welcome aboard the Crimson Swallow, mates!
(They take off. "Crimson Swallow" is painted on the basket of the balloon)
Meanwhile...
(Gibbs is on the loose, running and panting very hard. He dives into a payphone)
Gibbs: Damn quarters. (puts change into the phone) Hello? Hello?
Will and Elizabeth's answering machine:
(to the tune of "Total Eclipse of the Heart")
Elizabeth's voice: We're not home...
Will's voice: Every now and then we like to go out.
Elizabeth's voice: We're not home...
Will's voice: Bright eyes.
Gibbs: Damn! (hangs up. He turns and sees some henchmen running towards him) I'm getting too old for this sh*t.
(He runs. It is a classic Hollywood on-foot chase. Gibbs runs through a fruit stand and through a sheet of glass carried by two men. He turns around for a moment and doesn't see his chasers. He stumbles and enters Grauman's Chinese Theater)
CUT TO...The Crimson Swallow
James: (in a secluded corner of the balloon) Don't get too attached to this way of traveling, Sailor.
Sailor: (laughs) I much prefer ships and fast cars and the occasional scooter.
James: I suppose you love all this action (looks amused and he's having a good time too)
Sailor: Aren't you?
James: Indeed I do. (edges closer to her) You know, after getting the East India Trading Company and coming back to life courtesy of Will, I feel like the luckiest man on earth.
Sailor: (puts her head on his shoulder) Technically, you're not on Earth right now.
James: All I'm without is a marriage to a fine woman. (looks right at her) This fine woman right next to me.
(Sailor squeals and throws her arms around him. They share a sloppy but irresistably charming hug followed by several kisses)
(Jack catches a glimpse of them and turns away, something on his mind.)
Gender: Female Location: at the second star to the right
Series Finale: Part 4
(The Crimson Swallow lands in the center of Grauman's Chinese Theater. Several tourists are putting their hands and feet into the cement blocks the celebrities made long ago.)
Tourist: You don't suppose that's the wizard of Oz's balloon?
Tourist2: You idiot, that balloon said "World's Fair" on it.
Jack: (taking charge) Don't be alarmed! (waves his pistol around. Everyone screams and drops to the ground) I said DON'T be alarmed. We're just passing through.
(Everyone exits the balloon.)
Sailor: Gibbs! Gibbs!
Will: Quiet! We don't want them to know we're here.
Sailor: (mumbling to herself) Oh, and I suppose the big balloon didn't give us away. Oh well. (starts singing) I'm getting married in the morning/ding dong the bells are gonna chime...
Elizabeth: Where could they possibly hide him here? (Rosalie starts to wiggle around in the chest strap) What's wrong, little one? (Rosalie thrusts her weight in one direction and makes a cooing sound) Over there? Look, everyone! There's a door to the basement! Well done, sweetie! (kisses Rosalie and runs towards it. Rosalie coos more.)
Katie: I didn't know this place had a basement.
James: I didn't know babies had an internal compass.
(They sneak one by one down the stairs to the basement.)
CUT TO...theater basement.
Goon: Now that I have you, I should write the ransom note.
Gibbs: Usually a kidnapper does that sort of thing beforehand.
Goon: Quiet, you! Now I can ensure Pirate King Turner's resignation! She'll never have any power again! (starts laughing)
(Gibbs takes a swig from his flask. Refreshed, he body slams the goon and starts beating him Popeye-style. The "Popeye the Sailor Man" theme song plays in the background.)
Barbossa: Mr. Gibbs! We're coming! (gets out his sword)
Jack: Uh, mate, don't think Gibbs needs it.
Gibbs: (too busy punching the goon out to notice them) Say uncle! Say uncle!
Junior: Gibbs, stop! (runs to him)
Gibbs: (snaps out of it) Woo. Nice to see you too, Junior. (hugs him) Sorry you all had to see what whiskey does to me. Makes me strongs to the finish and so on. Well, since you're all here, do we have a plan to get Miss Elizabeth back her title?
Elizabeth: We do indeed and it's called Pirates of the Caribbean. (looks at Jack, indicating his screenplay) I want to make just one change to it, though.
Jack: What would that be?
Elizabeth: Never once on that island did I stroke a rum bottle in a sexual fashion.
Jack: It can just be a deleted scene then. They'll put it on the DVD!
Will: Well what are we waiting for? We have a script to promote.
CUT TO...Disney studios. Jack, Elizabeth, Will, Gibbs, and Barbossa are pitching the idea. Junior is watching.
Will: ...and so what happened next was that I told Elizabeth I loved her and did some brilliant stunt work with Jack. We'll demonstrate. (He and Jack act out their escape from the gallows in COTBP, fighting invisible guards) It was all going according to our plan, one guard toppling over the other, leading Jack one step closer to freedom.
Jerry Bruckheimer: (on the edge of his seat) And then?
Jack: Oh it was brutal, mate. We were surrounded! I couldn't even see past the whelp's enormous hat that day! James Norrington cornered us. All seemed lost.
Jerry: And then?
Barbossa: Oh please! You could have just ended the script where you shot me, but no! You had to go on and on about how you once again dodged death.
Jerry: Gentlemen, please. The books Will Turner has written about these adventures sell very well, better than his self-help book that got him on Oprah anyway, and Elizabeth Turner's memoirs about her time in Shipwreck Cove do well, but why turn this into a movie.
Elizabeth: I'll show you why! (takes her coat off, revealing a low-cut corset. She takes out her bun and lets her hair flow freely) Just picture a sword in my hand and you have every teenage boy's fantasy. (goes to Will and Jack and rips their shirts off) Take a look at them! Imagine the two of them on posters and on school notebooks! Do you know how many girls will dream about them?
Jerry: You do have a point, but... (looks over at Barbossa)
Elizabeth: Don't let that stop you! You need star power! A true actor who consistently turns out performances that outweigh Lawrence Olivier's! Picture this: Geoffrey Rush as Captain Barbossa.
Jerry: The lady's sold it. I'll do it!
(Everyone cheers)
Gibbs: I can't see 'em makin' a movie about Jocard any time soon!
Junior: Maybe it will be a series and I can be in it later.
(Suddenly James and Sailor burst in)
James: Are we late?
Will: Yes! We just got the biggest name in Hollywood production to film a movie about all of us.
James: Ah, where I'll turn out to be the loser, wonderful. On the bright side (he and Sailor hold up their hands to reveal rings)...we got married!
Elizabeth: (squeals and hugs them) How?
Sailor: We were walking by the Scientology headquarters when...just kidding. We eloped. Here in California. Honeymoon will be in Catalina Island, stopping for a tour of Alcatraz...Oh, Jamie-poo!
(Amidst the celebration, Jack goes out onto Jerry's balcony. Katie is out there.)
Katie: How did it go? I heard loud noises.
Jack: He bought it. How did you get here anyway? (he sees the Crimson Swallow nearby. She hijacked it.) Oh.
Katie: Why does a man have a balcony in his office? What's this guy produced before to make him so much money?
Jack: I don't know, talking mice or something. When you thought I was going to propose...
Katie: Jack, I don't want to talk about it. It was foolish of me to expect such a thing.
Jack: No, it wasn't. (she looks at him) Don't get me wrong, now. I ain't proposin' today. But I think someday I will, and I think it will be to you. (a small smile creeps up on her face) So, when you're finished filming this whole vampires vs. werewolves thing, will you come back to the Pearl?
Katie: (edges closer to him) Maybe...and for the record, I didn't have to be proposed to that very day. I was upset because I felt like it would never happen. But when you're ready.
Jack: You'll be the first to know...well, the second considering the fact that nowadays women seem to like something shiny in a velvety box when their lover decides it's time to tie the hyperbolic knot.
Katie: (leans in to kiss him. He seems to enjoy it until she pulls back at the last minute, a coy look on her face) Say it, Jack. I've never heard you say it.
Jack: You try my patience, darling. (gives in) But I love you anyway. (they kiss out on the balcony)
Ah, so the last part of the finale will be up soon. Will Elizabeth's job be saved? What will the movie do for everyone? Tune in next time for the thrilling conclusion!
Yes, I'm all @ the deleted scenes. A sole app I have on Facebook, other than what color is your heart - orlando blue, is the Disney Easter Egg one, which I haven't done yet.. (as though biting nails..?) Oh yea, and like the dog with the bone - o yea I also have all the popular ones like iLike - Compare Ppl and beyond - ALL OF EM! (I've had like all the apps I could have I thought at one point. I spent a lot of time changing apps, months on there 24/7, bc the computer loads 'meanwhile (back at the ranch.' - They used to always say that in AJROTC, the sgt.))
Last edited by VioletEyesPop08 on Feb 28th, 2008 at 07:30 PM
KMC Community Forums
Feb 25th, 2008 09:48 AM
and Sailorie kisses? priceles 
