OK, your work lacks imagination, the stanza structure's poor, the rhyme structure's worse. There's no pattern or beat to any of it, but a rambling drawl in which you desperately try to find words that rhyme with each other. To say it's elementary in standard would be a compliment.
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"All morons hate it when you call them a moron." - Holden Caulfield
Gender: Unspecified Location: With Cinderella and the 9 Dwarves
He was asking for constructive criticism, wasn't he?
I forward chill's notion, btw, to improve your poetry first I would work on my rhyme structure (for one, not everything needs to rhyme). A fluent flow (hehe) and the right words are more important than having every line rhyme. Once you have worked on that we could go on to more fundamental skills.
I'm not trying to be a dick....well....yes I am, but if you listen to me you'd still get better (though, I doubt you are going to be a Keats anytime soon. Poetry can certainly express ones feelings, and why not do it in a more graceful manner?).
In specific you could look at these two parts:
"i was at the hospital when i said i went down south
because my foster parents called you a liar and a whore so i hit both of them in the mouth"
The second line just drags on and it is horrible to read as well as pretty annoying imagery.
The other is from your newest one:
"you told me he raped you then continues to try
the first thing the comes out of my mouth is that hes going to die"
Do you feel how there is a bump when reading it? What you could maybe try to do is imagine whether something you wrote would be easily singable.
Well, I am not a poet really, not even particularly good, if I was you I'd rather listen to someone like chill or Feanor (even though they are dicks, like me), but I think you'd at least improve some if you try that first.
Gender: Female Location: Some where in the Poison Ivy
/\ this is not being constructive like I have said before. This is being a jerk for the sake of being a jerk!
You dont have to be an arsehole just because to you like some thing/someone
This is CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISIM!!! good points made.
I don't think you understand the meaning of 'constructive'. I told him the points he had to work on, that's constructive, I may have done it in a way you didn't like, but that doesn't change anything.
Another tip is to distance yourself from the theme of self pity, it can work well in some poetry, but not in every single poem.
Also, I know you're adverse to reading other poets' work, but you'll learn a lot by reading different styles and forms of poetry.
Lara, when you write critique worth reading, I'll start taking you seriously. Right now, all you're doing is mindlessly feeding an already over-fed ego.
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"All morons hate it when you call them a moron." - Holden Caulfield
Gender: Female Location: Some where in the Poison Ivy
If you read the thread from the begining you might think a little differently about my "critique" which is also apparent in other threads here too.
as for constructive criticism, your previous posts (unlike the last one) are just confrontational, for some reason Chilli, you like to bate people.
so, just so we can clear this up, here is the definition:
Constructive criticism is a form of communication in which a person tries to correct the behavior of another in a non-authoritarian way, and is generally, a diplomatic approach about what another person is doing socially incorrect. It is 'constructive' as opposed to a command or an insult and is meant as a peaceful and benevolent approach. Participatory learning in pedagogy is based on these principles of constructive criticism.
Constructive criticism is the process of offering valid and well-reasoned opinions about the work of others with the intention of helping the reader or the artist, rather than creating an oppositional attitude. An art critic can also be a champion of a new artistic movement in the face of a hostile public (e.g. John Ruskin), using scholarship and insight to show the value and depth of a new style. Critics might even champion a wholly new art medium; for instance the century-long critical struggle to have photography recognised as a valid art form.
There can be a tension between constructive and useful criticism; for instance, a critic might usefully help an individual artist to recognise what is poor or slapdash in their body of work - but the critic may have to appear harsh and judgemental in order to achieve this.
Criticism: An evaluation, both good and bad, based on prior knowledge.
The lad asked me to criticise his work, the word 'constructive' was never even mentioned by him. Anyway, I'd say that my critique is constructive, so long as it is pointing out a problem that can be fixed - I don't see a problem.
As for your critique - I haven't seen you say anything noteworthy in this thread, or any other poetry thread, you don't seem to actually know very much about poetry.
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"All morons hate it when you call them a moron." - Holden Caulfield
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Jul 29th, 2008 06:28 PM
