I want that poem about the girl who left you for the boy with a car. That's one for the ages.
__________________ Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes:
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.
Well, the others are magnificent, so I can understand why you would be shy about posting something that isn't as...blah, blah, blah, f*ck me I'm a cabbage.
__________________ Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes:
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.
The name is beautiful, and the poem is lovely; really uplifting at the end there. My only wish is that it mentioned a bit more about the car. When I first heard the poem, the bit about the car made me cry.
__________________ Full fathom five thy father lies;
Of his bones are coral made;
Those are pearls that were his eyes:
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange.
Didn't bother reading them yet, but I do like the name you choose for the thread, made me think of my favorite children's book, "Where the Sidewalk Ends."
I like that you've capitalized the first word of every line...a technicality most overlooked by those who would submit their pieces. Which is to say that though word art is a creative endeavor, laziness in itself should not. But on that note...let's not forget punctuation. A minor thing, but just as important. For example: this line "Am I cursed". Would that be a question asked of us or a statement being made? Oh yes, I am a stickler for that sort of thing as it distracts from the reading of thy prose.
Now...as for the poem itself. I will of course keep my statements from being assinine as I've been so accused of, to which I felt it was justified, but I digress.
Although some phrases are cliched and somewhat overused, I cannot fault you that as I'm as guilty of that as anyone else, but...the simplicity of it does bring out the visual aspect of what you are trying to convey. "It burns in my heart -- The Fire I cant' stop" would be more a statement of you've had used "cannot" instead of "can't" as it keeps a rhythm, a flow to those lines. Yet at least the two correlate and compliment each other as it brings to mind what burns in your heart where most would have said "thing" instead of being more specific.
There is one error I'm not too sure of though...did you mean "life" or "live" on the second to the last line of the last stanza?
Now...for those who seem to think I am an assinine braggart, let me say this.
Bardock...I feel that this poem speaks from youth in all its immaturity and a lack of insight and wisdom. The part of the cop is an allegory that has no meaning and is redundant in a way as to make it seem as if you were being clever and witty but it stops dead the continuity of thought and feeling and the emotion is left empty and without regard to those who would appreciate the brevity of your apathetic construct. While I feel the prose lacks the fortitude you tried so desperately to convey, it at least is original in that originality is not forced.
After all...I cannot allow those who think I am what I am to realise I am not and thus showing favoritism to them I favor more over others not of my ilk.
Last edited by Fëanor on Aug 25th, 2008 at 04:31 PM