Lara Croft: Tomb Raider Review
by "Rose 'Bams' Cooper" (bams AT 3blackchicks DOT com)June 21st, 2001
'3BlackChicks Review...'
TOMB RAIDER (2001)
Rated PG-13; running time 101 minutes
Genre: Action
Seen at: Jack Lokes' Celebration Cinema (Lansing, Michigan) Official site: http://www.tombraidermovie.com/
IMDB site: http://us.imdb.com/Details?0146316
Written by: Patrick Massett, John Zinman
Directed by: Simon West
Cast: Angelina Jolie, Jon Voight, Iain Glen, Daniel Craig, Noah Taylor, Chris Barrie
Review Copyright Rose Cooper, 2001
Review URL: http://www.3blackchicks.com/bamstombraider.html
Of all the sins in the world of motion pictures, the most unforgivable sin is to bore the audience to death.
Which is why TOMB RAIDER is damned to hell.
The Story (WARNING: **spoilers contained below**):
Based on the best-selling videogame series, TOMB RAIDER stars Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft, Butt-Kickin' British Archaeologist Babe.
[insert silly Hollywood plot about how Lara is The Only One who can possibly save Earth from the Evil Plan To Rule The Earth And All The Other Little Planets by greedy little pissants like Illuminati member Manfred Powell (Iain Glen) and Powell's cohort in the person of traitorous American archaeologist Alex Marrs (Daniel Craig), using only her manservant Hilary (Chris Barrie), TechnoGeek employee Bryce (Noah Taylor), The Force carried around by her dead father Lord Croft (Jon Voight), and most of all, her handy-dandy Big Guns - oh yeah, plus her pistols - here].
The Upshot (WARNING: **DEFINITE spoilers contained below**): Beyond all the MysticMumboJumbo, beyond Lara's SuperPowers (chief among them, her PerkyTits), beyond the total lack of character development in this completely plot-driven movie (Not A Good Thing, when the plot stinks), there is a question that I kept asking; one similar to the question Spock had in the similarly-bad STAR TREK 5 when he asked, "why would God need a starship?"
My question? Why in the world would someone who had the capacity to give someone else The Power Of God, do so? No, really; I need to know. If you had The Key, the only way to unlock The Mysteries Of The Universe, something no one else could force from you, because you could always call a Do Over - would you just say "right; here ya go, mate". WTF? I mean, WTFF?
Nothing else about this movie mattered to me beyond that question. It didn't matter that Patrick Massett and John Zinman wouldn't know a good story if it fell on its knees and offered them a Lewinsky, or that Simon West apparently only watched the second, gut-bustingly awful "Indiana Jones" flick [maybe the much-superior first and third installments weren't available at Blockbuster that weekend], or that Angelina Jolie's Humorous Bits were delivered in such a staccato voice, they may as well have been absent, or that NOT ONE of the supporting characters' backstories, made the slightest bit of bloody sense (not that their front stories were any better). No, none of that mattered, nor did the admittedly well-executed stuntwork of TOMB RAIDER - all because of that damnable question. Or, more to the point, because of its only logical answer.
Thanks, guys, for trashing another hero of mine, with illogic, bad plotting, and useless background characters. Thanks a bleepin lot.
Bammer's Bottom Line:
I'm pissed. Sorry, but there's no better way to put it. I'm completely ripped. I had anticipated this movie for so long - mostly because I thought Jolie was absolutely perfect for it. And this is the thanks I get?
I'm just glad Hollyweird has no interest in developing a QBert movie.
TOMB RAIDER (rating: flashing redlight):
The upside? It's pretty much a sure bet that there won't be a "Tomb Raider 2". How could there be? They've already used up their Power Of God chip; where would one go from there?
Rose "Bams" Cooper
Webchick and Editor,
3BlackChicks Review
Entertainment Reviews With Flava!
Copyright Rose Cooper, 2001
EMAIL: [email protected]
http://www.3blackchicks.com/
--
More on 'Lara Croft: Tomb Raider'...
Originally posted in the rec.arts.movies.reviews newsgroup. Copyright belongs to original author unless otherwise stated. We take no responsibilities nor do we endorse the contents of this review.
