The Mummy Review
by "David Wilcock" (david DOT wilcock AT btinternet DOT com)June 22nd, 1999
The Mummy
Starring Brendan Fraiser, Rachel Weisz, John Hannah and Arnold Vosloo. Directed By Stephen Sommers
Running Time: 2 hours 4 minutes
(Universal Pictures)
Picture the scene. Three Universal studios executives are sitting around a large table deciding what their big summer blockbuster should be for 1999...
EXEC ONE: Aw man, after Babe 2, we *need* a hit man, or we're history!
EXEC TWO: Hell, I know. What the heck are we going to do?
EXEC THREE: Hey, I heard about this great movie, right, called 'The Mummy.' It had Doris Karloff in it, or someone. You guys seen this movie?
EXEC ONE AND TWO: No
EXEC THREE: That's okay, neither have I. So how about we just take the Mummy character and put it in another film, and call it a remake or something. Frickin' excellent idea, eh?
EXEC ONE: Holy mother of Jesus H. Christ, you're right! We don't have to relate it to the original movie, none of the kids would have seen it. We'll just fill it with impressive special effects by Industrial Light and Magic and watch the money flood in!
EXEC TWO: Yeah! YEAH! And let's get a corny script, you know, one where the hero says things like 'I gamble with my life, not cards.' And the rest of the script contains words like 'gasp,' 'swoon,' and 'run.'
EXEC THREE: Yeah, you guys are getting the idea! Now, we'll need to hire some cheap actors. We can't afford Harrison Ford, so let's get Brendan Fraiser from George of the Jungle to play the lead character! I'm sure he can do a great impression of Harry! And brit chick is in, but we can't afford Kate Winslet after the special effect budget of Babe 2, so let's get Rachel Weisz in instead! She has a English accent, right? And we'll have John Hannah who serves no other purpose but to be annoying. We'll need someone passive and non to domineering as the mummy, as most of the mummy will be special effects, so lets get Arnold Vosloo to do this. Total cast price: $10,000.
ALL EXECS: Yeah!
EXEC ONE: O.K, director. I think Mummy, I think suspense, danger, jump scenes and action. Now we can't get Spielberg, Wes Craven or anyone good really. I know...how about...that hack who did Deep Rising, you know...Stephen Sommers! He can put together some knockabout fun and reduce some of the tension from the film.
EXEC TWO: I'm loving this every minute! And let's introduce the Mummy one hour into the film, so just as everyone is about to walk out or die from the lame script, they'll come back for the second half of the film, which is actually just Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
EXEC THREE: <stops snorting cocaine for a moment*> Bonza! I'll go tell the boss!
Well, there you have it, the complete story of the The Mummy was placed into production. The Mummy is, no doubt, a hideous movie with poor acting and bad direction. But the film is good humoured and natured, and should be taken not so seriously. If you turn your brain off, lower your expectations and expect good humour than The Mummy is the sort of knockabout entertainment that's missing from the glut of 'serious' fare that's dominating the cinema, and worth a look.
*This is pure fiction. Hopefully.
RATING=*** OUT OF *****
A David Wilcock Review ©1999
DAVID WILCOCK
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