The 13th Warrior Review
by "Mac VerStandig" (webmaster AT moviereviews DOT org)August 26th, 1999
Moviereviews.org Review
The 13th Warrior
0 Stars (Out of 4)
By Mac VerStandig
[email protected]
http://www.moviereviews.org
August 25, 1999
USA Release Date - August 27, 1999
The 13th Warrior reeks so badly of melodrama and poor acting that it carries a worst scent than a canine's least appetizing residue. The best part of the film would be a close contest between the closing credits and a brief moment in the middle where the screen goes entirely white and you hope that the film has slipped and caught ablaze in the projector. My vote goes for the ending credits, where you can start trying to put the awful experience behind you.
Ibn Fahdlan (Antonio Banderas) is an important official who is banished from his home for sleeping with another man's wife. He encounters a group of Norse warriors who convince him to join them on a mysterious journey to be taken by 13 men. Fahdlan is chosen as the 13th and last warrior in a moment that is so desperately overacted and overdone that numerous persons at the screening I attended broke out into laughter.
The movie proves to be a new low point for Banderas, who's acting seems closer to that of his role as the lover and caretaker for a dying gay man in 1993's Philadelphia, than that of a warrior. In the film's supposed pay off scene, he exclaims "I was wrong, these are not men!", a line intended to be the most memorable quote of the production. Unfortunately, Banderas delivers it in a fashion that makes Chevy Chase's career look like Oscar material.
The film, based on Michael Crichton's best selling novel, Eaters of the Dead was shot under that name some three years ago, and after numerous rewrites not only does the dialogue seem completely phony, but the plot is incredibly difficult to follow.
At the same time, The 13th Warrior makes you think about numerous questions. Questions like "Why do the characters always have perfect lighting on them even when it is pitch dark?", "Why does no one ever have blood cover both sides of their face, but rather just one side?" and finally, "Will the manager give me a refund?"
90 minutes into the 103 minute film, a man invites of the warriors "Come with me, there is a woman who can help." Unfortunately, there is nothing that could help this film. The most appropriate ending would have been for the 13 men to join hands, form a chorus line, and break into a rendition of "Springtime for Hitler."
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