Alone in the Dark Review
by Steve Rhodes (Steve DOT Rhodes AT InternetReviews DOT com)February 1st, 2005
ALONE IN THE DARK
A film review by Steve Rhodes
Copyright 2005 Steve Rhodes
RATING (0 TO ****): 1/2
Need a laugh? Uwe Boll's ALONE IN THE DARK is so far off the scale bad that the only possible reaction is to laugh at it -- and I do mean at it and not with it. It plays like a parody-free remake of ALIENS with a GALAXY QUEST level of intelligence. The producers apparently assume that anyone stupid enough to buy a ticket to it can't read since Christian Slater reads the introductory text to us as it slowly scrolls past.
The movie's preposterous explanations, about a clandestine government agency (Bureau 713) to deal with paranormal events, about a long extinct Native American tribe and about alien-like monsters that live in the bowels of our planet, will leave your shaking your head and wanting a rewind button. There are also sleeper agents who arise with zombie-like movements and monsters who can sometimes be stopped by bullets and sometimes not. Bureau 713, for some reason, doesn't seem to have anything more powerful in its arsenal than bullets.
Speaking of power, the dialog is powerfully awful: "It's not about the children. It's about the survival of the species," "Just because you can't see something, it doesn't mean it can't kill you," and "Some doors are meant to stay shut." The acting manages to be even worse than the cheesy lines. In addition to Slater, Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff should also hang their heads in shame for being association with this miserable movie.
ALONE IN THE DARK runs a very long 1:36. It is rated R for "violence and language" and would be acceptable for teenagers.
The film opens nationwide in the United States on Friday, January 28, 2005. In the Silicon Valley, it will be showing at the AMC theaters, the Century theaters and the Camera Cinemas.
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Originally posted in the rec.arts.movies.reviews newsgroup. Copyright belongs to original author unless otherwise stated. We take no responsibilities nor do we endorse the contents of this review.
