Armageddon Review
by "Kleszczewski, Nicholas" (Nicholas DOT Kleszczewski AT pepsico DOT com)September 10th, 1998
Armageddon
Hello kids. Today the movie studios want to take over my critical review, and somehow persuade you that _Armageddon_, the summer's biggest blockbuster, is a film for everybody. And remember, if a film is for _everybody_, and if it makes the most money for the summer, it _must_ be good, right?
Armageddon is a COMEDY, with a capital "C". It stars BRUCE WILLIS, who has a hundred one-liners! It has a tiny rock land directly in the middle of a heated argument in New York City!! And, chuckle, chuckle, one of those New Yorkers, _survives_, with charcoal all over his face!! Snorkle, *sniff*, hiccup. And it has Steve Buscemi as a _genius_ who wants to work for an oil rig? Knee-SLAP!! Isn't this just so, so, funny!?
Armageddon also has ROMANCE, with a capital "R". It has a tender moment between *forbidden lovers* Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler, with, with, Animal Crackers! And it has Will Patton as a long lost husband trying to reunite with his separated wife and child, who thinks he's a SALESMAN! Gurgle, *sniff*, awwwww. And it has Steve Buscemi spewing more one-liners about minors and strippers. Umm, moving right along...
Armageddon also has lots of ACTION, with a capital "A". Not just any action sequence would do. It must have _original_ action sequences that are designed to thrill. Like, DRILL, darn it, DRILL!!! And, let's have inept people destroy the MIR space station!! Can't you hear your heart beating!? And Steve Buscemi goes crazy and starts shooting at people!! What drama!!
Lastly, Armageddon is out there to save the PLANET, with a capital "P". This can't be any old thriller--we must have an asteroid, the size of Texas head straight for earth!! And, and, we must have beautiful scenic worldwide shots, like Paris, BLOWN UP. And, and, we must have peoples of all colors, nations, and religions, join hand in hand for one final, hopeful, HUG. The final sequence, where Muslims in prostrate worship stand up--in Domino fashion--to cheer the victory, filled me with such emotional goo that I wanted to, to, to rip the screen into shreds!! I mean, I mean, cheer for ecstatic joy! (It was over).
Comedy. "C". Romance. "R". Action. "A". Planet. "P". Okay, kids, what does that spell?
Seriously, folks. Any film that could take the indie-films' most valuable talents, and throw it all away with a Bruce Willis vehicle, a hundred-million dollar budget, but have cheap-o sets and lousy special effects, is, bottom line, living proof that hell exists, and has made a multi-picture deal with Universal.
In the midst of all the action, the terseness, the one-liners, the fake sets, the overall WASTE of TIME, I recognized Matt Malloy playing an underwritten NASA technician ("Malloy, give me a reading"). Remember him? He was a principal player in last year's _In the Company of Men_, a film that was more powerful, shocking, terrifying, funny, and shocking than _Armageddon_ could ever aspire to be. _Armageddon_ cost over $100 million to make. _ITCOM_ cost a paltry $30,000. Need I say more?
Nick Scale (1 to 10): 2
Originally posted in the rec.arts.movies.reviews newsgroup. Copyright belongs to original author unless otherwise stated. We take no responsibilities nor do we endorse the contents of this review.
