Armageddon Review
by p-m agapow (agapow AT latcs1 DOT cs DOT latrobe DOT edu DOT au)October 1st, 1998
# [film] "Armageddon"
A Postview, copyright 1998 p-m agapow
A bunch of good ol' boys are sent into space to bicker and eventually destroy yet another asteroid on an Earth-bound course. There is much shouting and explosions.
Starting late last year, we were subjected to teaser ads that declared "1998 is closer than you think!". By June and the release of "Deep Impact", with teasers still coming thick and fast, I was beginning to wonder if that line was intended as a reminder to the filmmakers. But "Armageddon" has arrived at last and proves to be much like other Bruckheimer productions (e.g. "Con Air", "The Rock"), only more so. And this is how it is:
As you all know, cosmic objects can't help but attack the North American continent and well known landmarks. All it takes is a quick meteor shower on New York, the destruction of the Chrysler building (again) and NASA realises that it's in the middle of a disaster film. An asteroid "the size of Texas" is headed straight for Earth. Terrified by the idea of there being two Texases (or Texii), NASA honcho Billy Bob Thornton panics. He's surrounded by a bunch of geeks and the only people who can solve problems like this are men, real men like ...
... restaurateur and sometime actor Bruce Willis, here playing a psychotic gun-nut. When he's not threatening employees with a shotgun or being Oedipal with his daughter (Liv Tyler, rigid and with pupils the size of theoretical nuclear particles), Bruce is the best oil well driller on the planet . So when Bruce is shown NASA's plan (as is traditional, land on asteroid, drill a hole and blow it up with a couple of nukes left over from the Cold War), he scoffs at the idea of sending astronauts to do a man's job. What you really need is a group of psychotic gun-nuts. The Michigan Militia aren't available, so Bruce's drillcrew are on the job. As the crew contains Clear Eyed Singlet Hero (Ben Affleck), Mr Pink (Steve Buscemi), Big Black Dude, Cowboy and Retard, you realise you are about to descend into Character Actor Hell.
The oil crew kid around a lot while Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler make a bid for Most Annoying Screen Couple of All Time. Realising that this quest is doomed (Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor having a lock on that title), they blast off for the asteroid, stopping only for some brief racism on a Russian space station. Later the gravitational pull exerted by Bruce's ego causes one of the shuttles to crash, killing a lot of nameless astronauts and Ben Affleck. In response the audience goes wild and Liv Tyler goes catatonic. In fact the shock is so great that it reaches back in time and renders her catatonic from the beginning of the film. But back on Earth, we can see people following the tribulations of our heroes. Curiously enough, from these segments we can see that the population of the United States consists of (a) New York, and (b) some bucolic never-never-land, filmed through a foggy lens, populated by hayseeds who peer anxiously at the TV between holding soapbox derbys and mopping the cows. Did they just splice in clips from "The Waltons"?
But things are going too well, and there's an hour of film and six gadzillion dollars of special effects to use up. So, in short order (a) the military try and stab our boys in the back, (b) Mr Pink grabs a gun and starts shooting things, and (c) the asteroid attacks the crew. Really. All those hayseeds back in Ray-Bradbury-land look anxious and squint at their TVs. Will our heroes make it before the precisely plotted deadline?
Of course they will. Duh.
"Armageddon" is raucous, noisy, bigoted and dumb by turns. It goes on for far too long, piles on the pathos and setbacks to the point of absurdity and is so intent on setting up its ragtag team as rebels and the only ones who can do the job, that everyone else looks incompetent. Consider the basic absurdity of scenes like where the team hard bargains for its rewards. (Think about it - cancel my parking tickets and give me a tax free income or the planet dies.) But "Armageddon" is the only BDP (Big Dumb Picture) of recent times to even partially succeed, with the sound and fury distracting you from plot idiocies. There are even some good things about "Armageddon". At least it realises that there is a world outside of North America (unlike "Deep Impact") and deals with the disaster as a global event, complete with nice if cliched images of Parisian cafes, church services in Italy, prayer meetings in India. A few of the supporting characters are well drawn too, and shine past the competitive overacting of the leads. (Or underacting in Liv Tyler's case.)
All in all, one should not think too closely about this picture. Place your critical judgement aside and accept it as a disposable piece of entertainment that will quickly fade as you leave the cinema, leaving not even a bad taste behind. [**/ok] and boutique beer on the Sid and Nancy scale.
"Armageddon"
Released 1998.
Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, Gale Ann Hurd et al.
Director Michael Bay.
Starring Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Billy Bob Thornton, Liv Tyler, Will Patton.
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Paul-Michael Agapow ([email protected]), Dept. Biology, Imperial College "We were too young, lived too fast and had too much technology ..."
Originally posted in the rec.arts.movies.reviews newsgroup. Copyright belongs to original author unless otherwise stated. We take no responsibilities nor do we endorse the contents of this review.
