Armageddon Review

by Jon Popick (jpopick AT eznet DOT net)
February 25th, 1999

>From the creative team that invented the "why don’t we all just whip it out and see whose got the biggest dick" film, Armageddon surpasses its predecessors in budget, effects and pure testosterone output. I’m talking about Jerry Bruckheimer (ConAir, Crimson Tide) and Michael Bay (The Rock, Bad Boys), the guys that seem to annually discharge the type of "sword-fight" picture that features an all male cast and relies on big explosions to keep their date-raping homophobe frat-boy legions glued to the screen. You just know if these two were involved in the music business, they would probably be responsible for the horrific big-haired cock-rock that came into popularity in the mid 80’s.

With that said, Armageddon is still good. Well, maybe good isn’t the right word. It is very entertaining and even features (gulp) a female in a sort of important role. Not peripheral characters like Nicolas Cage’s wife in ConAir or Sean Connery’s daughter in The Rock, but a real honest to goodness woman who…OK…maybe I’m exaggerating. She’s still just eye candy.

The following is an excerpt of the PLANET SICK-BOY review for Deep Impact. There really isn’t any point in me thinking up a fresh way to say what I can just cut and paste from somewhere else. It’s pretty much the same story, so everybody follow along:

The premise is simple – an asteroid the size of New York City is headed toward Earth, threatening global destruction and the eventual extinction of all its inhabitants. And no, the world isn’t saved by an Apple PowerBook or Slim Whitman records.

No doubt aided by a story culled from recent headlines, Deep Impact is also set apart from the rest of the big budget schlock by tapping into real human emotion. Some of the heartstring tugging is a little too much to handle, but if you’re used to the weekly emotion manipulation hour every Thursday night at 10:00 PM, it won’t seem quite so painful. I wonder if you can get an emotion callous? I wonder how many times I can use the word "emotion" in this paragraph?

Just replace the title and the part about "tapping into real human emotion". Not that the typical "Bruce saves the world" movie usually disappoints in that department. While Deep Impact spent more time developing characters, Armageddon spent that time (and 30 additional minutes) blowing stuff up. In fact, it cost more to market Armageddon ($80,000,000.00) than it did to make Deep Impact. Them explosions ain’t cheap, but I’m sure that they’ll payoff when the dust settles and the final numbers come in. Armageddon will likely outgross its rival within two weeks.

The other main difference in Armageddon is that the ragtag bunch sent off into space to take care of the asteroid isn’t an experienced group of astronauts, but a crusty team of oil drillers. Join us, as we meet the main players:

Harry Stamper (Willis, The Fifth Element) - the best oil rigger in the world, Harry owns runs the company that employs the other cast members. He is also the father of...

Grace Stamper (Tyler, Stealing Beauty) - the beanpole that came of age on the big rig and, thusly, has fallen for one of her father’s workers named...

A.J. Frost (Affleck, Good Will Hunting) - the cocky young-turk driller who, when he isn’t penetrating the earth for black gold, penetrates the doe-eyed Grace behind his boss’s back

Rockhound (Buscemi, ConAir) - the crazy kooky guy with the messed up teeth

Jayotis "Bear" Kurleen (Michael Duncan) - the black guy

Oscar Choi (Owen Wilson, Bottle Rocket) - the cowboy

Chick (Will Patton, The Postman) - the other guy

Like I said, not much character development and that’s kind of surprising in a film with a 2 1/2 runtime. Even more unexpected is the fact that it was born of a writing team that, individually, was responsible for Jumanji and The Devil’s Advocate. Rumor has it that the studio brought in some heavy hitting script doctors to punch up the story, but it doesn’t really show. For the record, they are Paul Attanasio (Donnie Brasco), Ann Biderman (Primal Fear) and Robert Towne (Chinatown).

But, who needs a script when size is the only thing that matters? Armageddon is probably the slickest looking film this side of Titanic. While the actual events are completely preposterous, they look very authentic. Credit Titanic King of the World and his effect company, Digital Domain, for the realism. And bored viewers can look for Digital Domain’s creepy metal skull (from T2) trademark, which appears a few times in the film.

So, basically, don’t go to see a great movie. Go to have a great time.
PLANET SICK-BOY: http://home.eznet.net/~jpopick

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