Baby Geniuses Review
by Jamey Hughton (bhughton AT sk DOT sympatico DOT ca)September 24th, 1999
BABY GENIUSES (1999)
* (out of five stars)
A review by Jamey Hughton
Starring-Kathleen Turner, Christopher Lloyd,
Peter MacNicol, Kim Cattrall and Dom DeLuise
Director-Bob Clark
Rated PG
Sony
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An experience like Baby Geniuses can have certain effects on an average
moviegoer. You may be scarred for life after seeing this petrified piece
of garbage, which is so disarmingly horrible that it may cause you to
ponder it’s Hollywood existence.
When I think of the screenwriters behind this film, I picture a room
full of monkeys. The monkeys are pounding on their typewriters while
scratching themselves. All of the monkeys combine their efforts, hop in
a cab and take the finished product downtown to director Bob Clark’s
office. The designated monkey explains the plot by jumping up and down
on Clark’s desk while flailing his arms and shrieking. The director
appears to be deep in thought, until he slams his fist down on the
desktop and exclaims “I LOVE IT!!!”
The writing behind this project is embarrassing. For your amusement, I
will explain the plot. Dr. Kinder (Kathleen Turner) and Dr. Heep
(Christopher Lloyd) are two of the cold-hearted executives at the Baby
Geniuses Institute, where peculiar studies are going on. As the story
goes, there is an ancient myth explaining that babies (ages 2 and under)
know all the secrets of the world from previous life experiences. When
they move past this phase, they become like any other drooling toddler.
Kinder and Heep want to unlock the secrets using their test babies,
namely little Sylvester (Sly for short), who can break in or out of any
given situation so efficiently that he would be right at home on the
Mission: Impossible team. There is so much crap derived from this
premise, despite the fact it’s virtually identical to the plot in Look
Who’s Talking! (a far superior film in any league).
You will be able to determine the quality of the film by examining the
opening scene. Sylvester has broken out and managed to elude several
security guards with his amazing intellect and kung-fu tactics.
Question: it’s obvious the babies are super-smart, but why are they able
to fight like Jackie Chan?? The adults in this film are furiously beaten
by these youngsters in diapers. It’s a shock when writers will stoop
this low just to draw cheap laughs by using John Hughes’ familiar Home
Alone formula. I also found it disturbing that the babies in this film
have attitude and endless 90’s knowledge, quoting numerous movies and
insulting their adult captors. The effects in Baby Geniuses (similar to
the talking animals in Babe) are pathetic, the editing is a disaster,
and the jokes are never funny. The only reason viewers may avoid
vomiting is the argument that the babies are “cute”.
I suppose they are. I can admit to smiling a few times because the
babies were cute. Other instances, though, I was howling in laughter due
to the inane stupidity of the script. There are supporting characters
who have no personality whatsoever; their entire existence is based on
punch lines. Peter MacNicol and Kim Cattrall, as an unwilling couple who
have adopted Sylvester’s twin, are both miscast. Then again, I don’t
suppose any performer could handle the uneven material without looking
incredibly stupid. Meanwhile, Dom Deluise plays a fellow who gets hit in
the crotch with a monkey wrench (hahaha).
I would avoid Baby Geniuses at all costs. Instead of watching this, I
would recommended filling your bathtub with cement and going snorkeling.
Or perhaps you would consider going diving in shark-infested waters.
Anything to avoid this painful movie. The final line in the film, spoken
by the bratty Sylvester, is “If they think I’m doing the sequel for less
than $20 mill, they’re nuts”. Sequel? Please have mercy.
(C) 1999, Jamey Hughton
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Originally posted in the rec.arts.movies.reviews newsgroup. Copyright belongs to original author unless otherwise stated. We take no responsibilities nor do we endorse the contents of this review.
