Blade 3: Trinity Reviewby Johnny Betts (johnny_betts AT hotmail DOT com)
December 8th, 2004
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Rating: 3 (out of 5)
Plot? Hmm, there's really not much here I'm afraid. Some vampires want to resurrect Dracula so he can make them all Daywalkers and they can take over the world. Blade (Snipes) joins forces with the Nightstalkers (Biel and Reynolds) to defeat Dracula and the rest of the vampires. The vampires manage to expose Blade to the above-ground world, and of course he's viewed as a monster, so will he be stopped from accomplishing his mission? I'm sure we all know the answer to that.
Sadly, that's about all there is to it. At least Jessica Biel's hotness ensues.
Well. That was disappointing. Let me start off by saying that I'm not a Blade fanboy. I've only seen bits and pieces of the first one, and while Blade II doesn't rest comfortably on my DVD shelf, I still thought it was pretty good. I'd probably give it 3.5 marks. So I was expecting to thoroughly enjoy Blade: Trinity as a fast-paced, action-packed movie with a little Jessica Biel thrown in to spice up the proceedings. In other words, I thought for sure I'd come away thinking this was the best of the series.
Unfortunately, that's not the case. Instead of being a dark, intense, and gritty tale about a Dracula-led legion of vampires taking on the baddest vampire hunters on the planet, what we've got is a silly circus with some goofy vampires as the sideshow. They're not the least bit intimidating, and um, shouldn't vampires be at least somewhat scary? I thought HHH (the wrestler) would make a pretty cool bad guy vampire, but he seemed more interested in exchanging lame jokes with Ryan Reynolds than anything else.
Speaking of Ryan Reynolds, what's the deal, could they not afford Jason Lee? The guy looks and sounds just like a Jason Lee clone. He actually has some funny lines, but he has some pretty bad ones as well. I'll give the guy a break and chalk it up to the bad dialogue rather than his delivery. For example, when Wesley Snipes finds out that Reynolds and Biel call themselves the Nightstalkers, he asks if that's supposed to be some sort of Saturday morning cartoon. Reynolds claims that "the Care Bears" was taken. Sorry, but that just isn't funny.
Did someone mention Jessica Biel? Oh yeah, I did in the paragraph above. Yeah, well, you see, she's hot, and as such I'm glad she was in the movie because I pretty much just stared at her whenever she was on screen. It sure beat trying to sit through some of the dialogue. If not for her presence, then I would've ranked the movie even lower, so bravo for that casting choice.
As for Dracula? Hmm, he was all right. However, I don't know why he was made up to look like a model for International Male. Leather pants, a white shirt whose neck comes halfway down his chest, and loads of chains? Come on, what's that all about? Is Dracula headed to a rave? Do those even exist anymore? Other than that bit of silliness, he was at least somewhat menacing.
Even though I was disappointed in the campy B-movie feel, I'd have to say my biggest complaint is the lackluster plot and the uneven flow of the story. The action is very cool whenever it finally kicks in. I especially enjoyed watching Jessica Biel kick vampire posterior. But there are a few parts that drag, and for some reason, almost half the movie is in slow motion. At least it feels that way. Seriously, the formula is: play really loud techno music, show some main characters walking in slow motion towards the camera and looking very pensive, have a fight scene. Repeat until end of movie.
The formula is so overdone that I can honestly say this is one movie where I actually agree with the critics who say it looks like one big music video. There's one scene where the pimped out Dracula is walking on a deserted street (in slow motion, of course) with the music blaring, and I just kept wondering when the girls in bikinis were going to show up and start dancing behind him. I'm just not sure what the point was. This works for some movies, but that's not what I wanted to see here.
I know I've spent a lot of time on its shortcomings, but Blade: Trinity isn't a bad movie. I was never really bored, and I really enjoyed the action sequences and fight scenes. But this is the third movie in the series, and therefore, it has a lot to live up to. Unfortunately, it doesn't live up to the hype. So yeah, I was somewhat entertained, but more than that I was disappointed.
It *could* have been very memorable if it had made one little drastic change. Allow me to explain. Early in the movie we see Jessica Biel's character on a laptop, and Reynolds informs Blade that she likes to listen to music while she's fighting. Of course, her taste in music exclusively involves techno and loud hip hop beats. How funny would it have been if instead she had been a huge Kris Kristofferson fan? After all, she's Whistler's daughter. Then the gang could've gone to battle against Dracula with To Beat the Devil blaring. Or am I the only person who thinks that idea is gold?
ODDS & ENDS
* Budget: $65,000,000
* In case you're confused by my last paragraph, Kris Kristofferson is a country music star, and To Beat the Devil is one of his more famous songs.
* Guillermo Del Toro, who directed Blade 2, passed on this film in order to direct Hellboy.
* Ryan Reynolds gained 25 pounds for his role.
* In this movie, Parker Posey looks eerily similar to Fairuza Balk.
* Wesley Snipes stayed in character during the entire shoot and was said to be very hard to work with. Ryan Reynolds told Conan O'Brien recently that once when he asked Snipes how his weekend was, Snipes coldly replied, "Save your breath; you'll live longer."
* Wesley Snipes was in Murder at 1600 with Alan Alda who was in Flirting with Disaster with Josh Brolin.
This most certainly doesn't meet mama's approval. Loads of profanity (including the droppage of several "f" bombs), and while there's no explicit nudity, there is a scene with Jessica Biel in the shower with a lot of "near misses." I don't care that this is based on a comic book; it's not appropriate for children.
The movie wasn't as good as I thought it'd be. Based on the trailer, I was expecting it to be a little darker, a little faster-paced, and a little more action-packed, but I also thought the story would be a little intriguing. Oh well.
If you're a fan of the Blade movies, then lower your expectations and you should at least find some entertainment value. If you've watched the previous Blade movies and hated them, then there's no way this will win you over. If you haven't seen either of the first two Blade movies, then I suggest watching them before you even consider Blade: Trinity.
And if all you want is to see Jessica Biel looking hot, then this will fill that need.
The Movie Mark
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