Crank Review
by [email protected] (johnny_betts AT hotmail DOT com)September 1st, 2006
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Crank
http://www.themoviemark.com/moviereviews/crank.asp
PLOT
Jason Statham is a hitman who gets injected with some sort of powerful Chinese drug that will kill him fairly soon. He learns the only way to fight back the effects of the drug is to keep his adrenaline and his heart a' pumpin'. From out of nowhere, Dennis Hopper shows up and says, "Pop quiz, hotshot. There's a poison in your body. If your heart rate drops below 50, you blow up. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!"
OK, so maybe the Dennis Hopper bit doesn't happen, but that's pretty much all you need to know about the movie. Excess ensues.
JOHNNY'S TAKE
Crank is definitely a crowd pleaser. The audience I saw this with was laughing and clapping throughout. If you aren't easily offended, and you love movies that thrive on absurdity, excess, and a lack of desire to be taken seriously, then Crank will certainly entertain. And while yes, I was fairly amused, I have to admit my disappointment.
After all the comparisons to Speed (the press kit doesn't shy away from making these proclamations), I was expecting wall-to-wall action. For me, Speed and The Rock represent the best that 90s era action flicks had to offer. After all the build up, I was expecting Crank to be the standard bearer for the 21st Century. Unfortunately, it doesn't come close.
In fact, this is almost more of a comedy than it is an action movie. Sure, there are some truly funny moments, but I wanted more balance. I really like Jason Statham (he's got charisma to spare), and one of the coolest aspects of the guy is his ability to pull off highly-entertaining, well-choreographed fight scenes. So where were they in this movie? Just when I thought Jason was about to open up the ol' proverbial 6-pack of Heinekicken, we'd be given a generic gunfight instead.
I was genuinely surprised at how few big action sequences there are. A lot of the movie just consists of Statham running around looking for something funny to say or do. Granted, I do that frequently in public in a desperate attempt for attention, but during the movie I sat there thinking, "OK, so when is the REALLY cool stuff gonna happen?"
Like I said, this will please plenty of people (particularly teenage boys), and I was never bored, but this just isn't the movie I was expecting or wanting it to be. Ignore any and all claims that this will be Statham's signature film. The Transporter (with all of its flaws) still holds that title.
Oh, and if you're easily offended then I feel obligated to issue a big warning - you can probably find more redeeming moral qualities in Paris Hilton than you can in this movie. I'm not ashamed to admit that at times it was a little too vulgar for my tastes. Feel free to call me a boy scout if you wanna try to be cute, but I just think you should know that you're gonna get 80 minutes of a hitman taking drugs, having sex, chopping off body parts, and killing people at a high rate of speed. Not your cup of noodles? Well, now you know. And if you take your child to this then I'm calling social services. Don't think I won't.
If you do decide to go see this then I have one suggestion to make that will save you a lot of embarrassment. Yes, the title of the movie is Crank, and yes Jason Statham is the star, but please, I beg of you - when you step up to the ticket window do not say, "I'd like to see Jason Statham's Crank please."
I felt a little twinge in my back just now due to how far I had to reach for that joke, but I really think it was worth it.
I might take a cue from the movie's premise and start writing my reviews in a similar style. Give myself an hour to finish the review and if my typing drops below 80 words a minute then I die. Could prove to be pretty exciting, and hey, maybe I can convert the idea into a movie.
THE GIST
Crank will have its audience, and it will please them greatly, but it isn't the kickstart to the action genre that I was expecting it to be. There aren't enough spectacular action sequences to demand that it be seen on the big screen.
Rating: 2.75 (out of 5)
Johnny Betts
The Movie Mark
http://www.themoviemark.com
Originally posted in the rec.arts.movies.reviews newsgroup. Copyright belongs to original author unless otherwise stated. We take no responsibilities nor do we endorse the contents of this review.
